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Original poster

To think casual sex with men can be quite dangerous

325 replies

LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 12:51

I'm just making this post to vent. I'm a single woman who is nearing 40.

I've had a bit of casual sex with people in the past I met on dating apps and with friends/acquaintances. When I was in my 20s, no-one seemed to be into rough sex but I noticed when I was in my mid 30s, the men I met on dating apps were dominating me physically in a way that didn't feel good, e.g. grabbing me roughly by the neck during sex to the point where it felt a bit much, without us discussing beforehand if that was going to happen. I didn't like it and stopped them to explain this. No harm done, apart from how fricking weird it was to have my neck grabbed during sex.

I didn't have casual sex for a few years. Had sex with a friend of mine and thought maybe it would become a friends with benefits thing. Turns out he was into rough sex and didn't tell me. During the first encounter with no warning, he pushed me face down on the bed, really hard. It hurt. I remember I could hardly breathe and felt like I was being smothered. I asked him to stop. I noticed afterwards I seemed to have pulled a muscle in the area of my ribs. Several days later I had to go to A&E because the pain was so bad and I couldn't breathe very well.

Turns out I've got a badly bruised rib, which the doctor said only happens through trauma or an accident. Obviously it happened that night because nothing else has happened to me that could have caused it. This guy was over 6ft and a big, strong guy. I am only 5ft and very slight. I don't think he tried to hurt me, but still.

The sex obviously won't be happening again. I feel like I've been assaulted.

I now feel stupid for not discussing beforehand rough sex and what my limits are, given that I've been grabbed by the throat on numerous occasions in the past.

But why do I have to have this discussion? 20-25 years ago, no-one was doing this.

I don't know why I have encountered men being rough during sex over the last 5-10 years or so. Sex never used to be about this.

I feel like I'm done with casual sex.

OP posts:
Stressfordays · 09/06/2023 13:21

I went back into the dating world after 10 years a few years ago. I too was surprised how men just seem to assume now that rough sex is ok and how common choking is without discussion. Social media is an influence to this, not just porn. Lots of tiktoks around talking about women liking to be choked and grabbed. Anal is also seen as normal too. I worry about how this will progress in the future too really, if people are into kinks then that is absolutely fine but the discussion needs to happen first.

JamSandle · 09/06/2023 13:22

Absolutely!

Sex is dangerous for many reasons and especially casual sex.

Disease
Unwanted pregnancy
A stranger going too far.

newhaircut · 09/06/2023 13:25

I agree with PP that its porn. Its become normalised for men to assume thats what most women want. Nothing wrong with rough sex of course but its definitely something that needs to be discussed first and its appalling that he did that to you. Its assault.

I also agree that its a big risk to sleep with someone you dont know. Its not about judgement, I couldnt GAF what people do in their private lives, its purely about safety.

LakeTiticaca · 09/06/2023 13:25

I agree that east access to Internet porn has normalised "rough sex"
I'm early 60s and been in a LTR for 30 years, but previously have had a few casual relationships and one or three one night stands and I can categorically state that nobody has ever grabbed me by throat nor slammed me down on a bed. Or wanted anal, which also seems to be a big thing nowadays

Courgeon · 09/06/2023 13:26

I don't judge people for having casual sex at all. It's completely up to them. But I have 2 friends doing it and I worry for them. They seem a bit cavalier about all the risks.

Letitrow · 09/06/2023 13:28

I think it’s more that they think women will accept it.
I don’t think they actually care if women want it or not.

I think that unless a man genuinely cares, respects and already loves you (or very much likes you) these days then sex is generally a lot riskier. Sure there have always been issues and not wishing to minimise that at all, but my friends who are single all report similar to you OP, it just wasn't the case on the scale it is even a decade or so ago. I had a fair amount of no strings sex when I was younger and although of course still had to be careful as it can leave you very vulnerable, none acted in this way. I don't for a moment think I just happened to meet decent blokes, I think it's scarily become more normalised and there's a lot more pressure to just accept it.

Letitrow · 09/06/2023 13:29

Meant to say I fully agree with the bit in bold!

LOSTAN · 09/06/2023 13:29

Sapphire387 · 09/06/2023 13:02

I think I would genuinely report him to the police tbh.

100% Agree.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/06/2023 13:31

The anal obsession is going to be more and more of a problem. The increase in injuries sustained by young people is frightening.

I actually think there’s going to come a point where sex education is actually going to have to be revamped to include “and you never just ram a cock up someones arse or you’ll injure both of you” because it’s becoming such an issue.

CourgettaThe1st · 09/06/2023 13:34

I got called a bad feminist for not supporting casual sex. I had stupid comments said to me like violence and rape is more likely from a known partner. Typical cherry picking of facts to support their access to sex with women.
I'm not shaming a woman who had an NSA but I think it's incredibly unwise and benefits men and harms us. The result of everything that was done in the name of 'sexual liberation' has harmed women so much.
I dread when it's my DDs time to date, etc. It's so vile out there.

Mooshamoo · 09/06/2023 13:37

Many men enjoy abusing and having power over women. It feels good to them

The last two times that I have had casual sex, once last year, and once the year before. Was awful.

The first man hit and slapped me.

The second man physically pushed me to do things I didn't want to do.

It's abuse.

Not only am I not getting any sexual pleasure out of these encounters, I am now getting hit slapped hurt and bruised.

It's shocking.

I hate being the smaller person sometimes. I wish I could know before going back with a man if he wants to please me or violently hurt me, but it is not possible to know. So then I just stop going back with men altogether. Which means I miss out on having any sex life.

It's hard being a woman. We can't say " I want mutually pleasurable sex".

We have no physical power when alone with a man, the man has physical power over us.

The last couple of times I've had sex have not just not been pleasurable, they have been scary

fishonabicycle · 09/06/2023 13:40

It must be a new-ish thing. A horrible one. It definitely wasn't a thing when I was dating - been married for 24 years now. I'm really shocked that women are having to deal with this.

Mooshamoo · 09/06/2023 13:42

Imagine that you're a big man. You've watched violent porn all your life where women are hurt, choked , forced into double penetrative sex, treated with disrespect. Where women are treated like objects.

You meet a little woman out. And go back to hers for sex.

What are your first instincts going to be to do? It's not going to be to treat her in a loving kind caring way.

It's going to be to treat her with disrespect and treat her coldly. Porn has told you as a man to treat women coldly and with dominance.

This is how men have come to think from porn. We all need to be aware of it.

At best in most casual sex - they will treat us with disrespect and like an object and give us no pleasure.

At worst they will choke us and hit us.

That is what the world is like these days.

Original poster
LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 13:43

Stressfordays · 09/06/2023 13:21

I went back into the dating world after 10 years a few years ago. I too was surprised how men just seem to assume now that rough sex is ok and how common choking is without discussion. Social media is an influence to this, not just porn. Lots of tiktoks around talking about women liking to be choked and grabbed. Anal is also seen as normal too. I worry about how this will progress in the future too really, if people are into kinks then that is absolutely fine but the discussion needs to happen first.

I'm sorry you've had this kind of experience, too. I did wonder if it was my problem and I was just good at picking twats to sleep with, but it looks like it's a bigger trend than just the men I'm meeting.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 13:44

I can't find the post that mentioned 50 Shades of Grey, but I think that's a factor, too. That's around the time I started experiencing this kind of behaviour from men.

OP posts:
CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 09/06/2023 13:47

Well it's absolutely no coincidence that any kind of depraved porn, whereby women are used nothing but an orifice or a wank sock, is so freely available, at mens fingertips, that this is happening.

When songs about women being choked make it to mainstream pop, happily played on radio stations, it becomes normalised (look up the lyrics to The Weeknd Take my Breath - written in the way the woman is begging to be choked)

monsteramunch · 09/06/2023 13:47

I'm so sorry you had those horrible experiences@Mooshamoo Flowers

Crinkle77 · 09/06/2023 13:49

He absolutely did assault you. What did he do when you asked him to stop?

douglasadamswasright · 09/06/2023 13:49

Yes, it's a huge problem and I believe has a lot to do with the prevalence of violent porn.

My ex was like this. It was horrible.

Original poster
LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 13:52

Crinkle77 · 09/06/2023 13:49

He absolutely did assault you. What did he do when you asked him to stop?

He stopped. He also lost his erection when he realised I wasn't into it, so I don't believe he was some sadist who was just getting his rocks off at my expense. But still. It's totally unreasonable to do something like this with no discussion. This guy was 47 years old, you'd expect him to have more sense.

I have a much anticipated dance event happening in a couple of weeks (something fabulous that only happens every 2 years in my community) and if it hasn't healed by then I'm going to be so pissed off with him.

OP posts:
Mooshamoo · 09/06/2023 13:53

I was also thinking what is it like to be the much bigger person.

If I am a 6 foot man in bed with a 5 foot woman. Am I going to stop and ask her if my every move is okay.

It is very easy for me to think of myself first as I have more physical power, and I can just push her to do what I want. Do you know what I mean.

That is the reality of it. The bigger stronger person is often going to push the smalle person into doing things. Because they can

potniatheron · 09/06/2023 13:54

The choking thing seems to be getting more common now. I experienced it in casual hook ups within the past 5 years. Before that, never. And I'd say the men I slept with when I was younger were definitely 'weirder' than what I'd choose now!

Ashdown17 · 09/06/2023 13:55

I genuinely don't think it's that men think women want it. If they were concerned about what women might actually enjoy, there would have been some discussion beforehand. It's what men want and that's it.

I absolutely understand that realistically you won't get the police involved because unfortunately I think I would be the same in your situation, but I do think it says a lot that if this had happened in literally any other context, he would probably already have been arrested for assault.

Wishing you a speedy recovery OP

Original poster
LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 13:56

@Mooshamoo I'm sorry to hear about your experiences.

OP posts:
FKATondelayo · 09/06/2023 13:56

I had lots of casual sex in the 90s with many dodgy blokes and choking/anal/bdsm just never came up. It's violent porn culture and until there are consequences and laws regulating porn and penalties for assault being actually enforced, it's not going to go away. I'm glad I'm old and married now. Imagine being a young women having to deal with this - no wonder vibrator sales and 'asexuality' culture are on the rise.