Page 6 | To think casual sex with men can be quite dangerous

LadyH846 · 2023-06-09T11:51:06+00:00

I'm just making this post to vent. I'm a single woman who is nearing 40. I've had a bit of casual sex with people in the past I met on dating apps and with friends/acquaintances. When I was in my 20s, no-one seemed to be into rough sex but I noticed when I was in my mid 30s, the men I met on dating apps were dominating me physically in a way that didn't feel good, e.g. grabbing me roughly by the neck during sex to the point where it felt a bit much, without us discussing beforehand if that was going to happen. I didn't like it and stopped them to explain this. No harm done, apart from how fricking weird it was to have my neck grabbed during sex. I didn't have casual sex for a few years. Had sex with a friend of mine and thought maybe it would become a friends with benefits thing. Turns out he was into rough sex and didn't tell me. During the first encounter with no warning, he pushed me face down on the bed, really hard. It hurt. I remember I could hardly breathe and felt like I was being smothered. I asked him to stop. I noticed afterwards I seemed to have pulled a muscle in the area of my ribs. Several days later I had to go to A&E because the pain was so bad and I couldn't breathe very well. Turns out I've got a badly bruised rib, which the doctor said only happens through trauma or an accident. Obviously it happened that night because nothing else has happened to me that could have caused it. This guy was over 6ft and a big, strong guy. I am only 5ft and very slight. I don't think he tried to hurt me, but still. The sex obviously won't be happening again. I feel like I've been assaulted. I now feel stupid for not discussing beforehand rough sex and what my limits are, given that I've been grabbed by the throat on numerous occasions in the past. But why do I have to have this discussion? 20-25 years ago, no-one was doing this. I don't know why I have encountered men being rough during sex over the last 5-10 years or so. Sex never used to be about this. I feel like I'm done with casual sex.

Mumofnarnia · 09/06/2023 16:29

Lemieux3 · 09/06/2023 16:26

Hi op, this is the very reason I don’t have casual fwb/ hookups or one night stands. The problem with skipping the dating phase is that the huge majority of men will respect you a lot less than if they had to date you and get to know you and actually make some effort to get you. Most men tend to see casual sex as a ‘meaningless’ act where they don’t feel the need to respect you which I find very cold in itself and will then use it to their advantage to act out their sordid fantasies which they probably wouldn’t dream of doing with a wife or girlfriend. Once they got what they wanted, they don’t really care and will happily move onto the next one without thinking much about it or even caring about how they treated you. They probably then go out to the pub on a Friday night and discuss all the gory details with their mates about what they did to a random they had sex with and how much of a ‘laugh’ it was!

What you're describing here is a Madonna / Whore complex. Not new. And women should not be made to carry responsibility for this behaviour or told it was because they skipped the dating phase.

I was not saying that and although you are right and I agree with you completely, I’m stating what I have overheard in conversations between men unfortunately. Men who are married or have a gf and go outside of their relationship to fulfill their fantasy because it ‘doesn’t matter’!

Mumofnarnia · 09/06/2023 16:31

LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 16:26

I agree with you. However, this guy was my friend. I thought mutual respect was established.

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I know he was your friend. What I’m saying is he will probably have just seen it as ‘meaningless’ casual sex and by the sounds of it, to selfishly fulfill his own fantasy

Lemieux3 · 09/06/2023 16:32

@Mumofnarnia yes, I understand what you mean. I'm honestly not surprised that my daughter is so scared to get close to any potential partner.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/06/2023 16:37

Mumofnarnia · 09/06/2023 16:13

Hi op, this is the very reason I don’t have casual fwb/ hookups or one night stands. The problem with skipping the dating phase is that the huge majority of men will respect you a lot less than if they had to date you and get to know you and actually make some effort to get you. Most men tend to see casual sex as a ‘meaningless’ act where they don’t feel the need to respect you which I find very cold in itself and will then use it to their advantage to act out their sordid fantasies which they probably wouldn’t dream of doing with a wife or girlfriend. Once they got what they wanted, they don’t really care and will happily move onto the next one without thinking much about it or even caring about how they treated you. They probably then go out to the pub on a Friday night and discuss all the gory details with their mates about what they did to a random they had sex with and how much of a ‘laugh’ it was!

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If it only happened in casual encounters you’d have a point.

It happens in relationships, especially in the early stages as well. It’s also something more and more men in established relationships are pushing, as seen by threads on here.

This is exactly the kind of borderline “of you dint have sex with randoms you’ll be safe” victim blaming I referenced earlier in the thread.

It’s nothing to do with the casualness of the sex. It’s purely about male entitlement.

Let’s not pretend if the Op, or another woman, had gone on half a dozen dates with this guy and met his mother that he’d have suddenly become more respectful.
That train of thought simply allows this problem to be seen as something women can control by behaving “better” when it’s absolutely not.

newhaircut · 09/06/2023 16:37

What you're describing here is a Madonna / Whore complex. Not new. And women should not be made to carry responsibility for this behaviour or told it was because they skipped the dating phase

Of course its not women's responsibility! But until the world is safer and men stop doing this, its not wrong for women to want to be careful with whom they go home with. It doesnt make it their fault in any way but assessing risk in situations as an adult is an important life skill.

WitheringTights000 · 09/06/2023 16:40

@LadyH846 - I know.

I swear I had actually erased it from my mind until a few years ago...then it randomly came into my head one day and I was like wait....wtf?

Really sorry this has happened to you though op....I think you should frighten him and tell him you are considering going to the police! That will blow the smoke up his arse.

Mumofnarnia · 09/06/2023 16:41

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/06/2023 16:37

If it only happened in casual encounters you’d have a point.

It happens in relationships, especially in the early stages as well. It’s also something more and more men in established relationships are pushing, as seen by threads on here.

This is exactly the kind of borderline “of you dint have sex with randoms you’ll be safe” victim blaming I referenced earlier in the thread.

It’s nothing to do with the casualness of the sex. It’s purely about male entitlement.

Let’s not pretend if the Op, or another woman, had gone on half a dozen dates with this guy and met his mother that he’d have suddenly become more respectful.
That train of thought simply allows this problem to be seen as something women can control by behaving “better” when it’s absolutely not.

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I’m very well aware of what I’m saying thanks! And I do not have the mentality of saying that women are safer in relationships than with casual sex! I have been in an abusive relationship where I was almost forced into sex so please don’t jump on my post giving me that! My abusive ex husband was also one of them who told me that if he ever cheated on me that it would just be for sex and because he could do what he wanted rather than me being so ‘boring’!

WitheringTights000 · 09/06/2023 16:42

@Lemieux3 - how did you react? I was pretty Stunned at the time so just ignored it....

Is something like that classed as assault? I mean a slap with a hand is assault...

It wasn't a full force slap though like a tap, but contact and unwanted non the less

Dacadactyl · 09/06/2023 16:43

Don't sleep with people casually would be my advice.

Make sure you know he's not a dick by getting to know him first. There's no way men like this don't show other red flags about their personalities.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/06/2023 16:46

LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 16:07

If I had a daughter I would definitely be having a talk with her about the prevalence of men thinking that rough sex is normal and desirable. And that one needs to discuss this before sex, seeing as men are prone to doing it.

I will also be chatting with any future partner about this before having sex. I can see now that it is 100% necessary, unless a person wants to be randomly choked or assaulted.

What a world, indeed.

It’s something I’ve discussed at length with my daughters, but even more so with my eldest son (and will my youngest in time).

DH has as well, but I think being very blunt about it with him - both in terms of the practicalities of actual sex vs porn and the feelings emotional and physical had more impact from me.

I think there will be even more problems in time to come when kids are being given the sex chat by parents who also think this kind of sex is normal

monsteramunch · 09/06/2023 16:47

Dacadactyl · 09/06/2023 16:43

Don't sleep with people casually would be my advice.

Make sure you know he's not a dick by getting to know him first. There's no way men like this don't show other red flags about their personalities.

This man was her friend, she did know him first.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/06/2023 16:47

Mumofnarnia · 09/06/2023 16:41

I’m very well aware of what I’m saying thanks! And I do not have the mentality of saying that women are safer in relationships than with casual sex! I have been in an abusive relationship where I was almost forced into sex so please don’t jump on my post giving me that! My abusive ex husband was also one of them who told me that if he ever cheated on me that it would just be for sex and because he could do what he wanted rather than me being so ‘boring’!

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You literally said men are more respectful in relationships so obviously people are going to comment on that if they don’t agree

Dacadactyl · 09/06/2023 16:50

monsteramunch · 09/06/2023 16:47

This man was her friend, she did know him first.

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That may be the case, but I am confident he'll have exhibited behaviours that I would've seen as red flags.

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/06/2023 16:51

Anyone who thinks men think women want this is delusional. The point of sex for men like this is not women's pleasure. It's never been a factor for them.

LaurieFairyCake · 09/06/2023 16:51

Sexual liberation for women really means not having sex with men on a casual basis 🤷‍♀️

I can sort of see a Black Mirror style future where people have casual sex safely by signing agreements before, robots checking they're not too drunk and then the couple going into a room where everything is filmed to ensure safety

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/06/2023 16:53

Dacadactyl · 09/06/2023 16:50

That may be the case, but I am confident he'll have exhibited behaviours that I would've seen as red flags.

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More victim blaming…

Original poster

LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 16:54

I'm perhaps getting a little off topic here, but I feel like I'm done with men for now.

Over the last few years I've wasted quite a bit of time, energy and pain on men who behaved badly or made a serious mistake in our relationship.

I have a health issue and all of that stress affected my health.

I'm almost 40 and I've been "looking for love" for years and it seems I'm no closer to finding it, and obviously no closer to finding basic respect and care in casual sexual encounters either.

I read online tonight that single women are the happiest group. That really surprised me and made me value what I have.

I'm not saying that partnered women aren't happy, too (- I would in fact love to be partnered.)

But I think what I'm realising is that I need to put my focus back on myself, stop looking for love (or sex) and just enjoy my life. These substandard men, in and out of the bedroom, aren't cutting it for me.

OP posts:

NashvilleQueen · 09/06/2023 16:54

And you can't consent to actual bodily harm for the purposes of sexual gratification so all these men that like to inflict injury on women shouldn't be able to rely on it as a defence.

AdamRyan · 09/06/2023 16:55

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/06/2023 16:53

More victim blaming…

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I particularly enjoy holier-than-thou smugposts

AcrossthePond55 · 09/06/2023 16:56

But why do I have to have this discussion? 20-25 years ago, no-one was doing this.

I don't know why I have encountered men being rough during sex over the last 5-10 years or so. Sex never used to be about this.

@LadyH846

But it was, it was just not talked about due to 'slut shaming'. And victim blaming was rife so most women kept quiet if they experienced it. I also think that 'rough sex' has moved more into the mainstream, whereas 20+ years ago it was definitely classed as a 'kink'. Men who enjoyed it were probably a bit more, IDK, 'discreet' or hesitant about making those kind of moves?

I've been 'off the market' (ie married) for over 30 years and casual sex was never my 'thing' even before that, but I have heard horror stories over the years, clear back to the mid-70s, from single friends about being basically forced/heavily coerced into things they didn't want to do and/or having to grab clothes and get the hell out. None of them reported it back then. But if they had, nothing would have been done and the general feeling would have been they'd brought it on themselves.

Yes, casual sex with anyone can be very dangerous. Not just due to sexual violence/non-consent to a sexual act, but also due to possible spiking, surreptitious video/photos, not to mention diseases or the person lying about contraception.

Not worth the risk IMHO.

AdamRyan · 09/06/2023 16:56

AdamRyan · 09/06/2023 16:55

I particularly enjoy holier-than-thou smugposts

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Oh, that was at dacadactyl btw

littleburn · 09/06/2023 17:02

Porn, porn and porn. Rough sex is the absolute norm in porn and that, in turn, is now what many men now think sex is. Whether women enjoy it or not doesn't feature, because porn is not focused on female pleasure, only on getting men off.

monsteramunch · 09/06/2023 17:03

@Dacadactyl

That may be the case, but I am confident he'll have exhibited behaviours that I would've seen as red flags

I don't want to go into it too much as I will get upset but I can tell you first hand that this is absolutely not always the case. I promise, it's really not. People can behave entirely differently in a sexual scenario to the way they behave in all other parts of their life. Even if you know them well.

Saying you're confident there were red flags that you would have spotted in this particular man, that OP missed, when she's posting about him sexually assaulting her, feels at best thoughtless and at worst cruel.

BillyNoM8s · 09/06/2023 17:04

Aside from porn, I definitely blame 50 shades of bullshit and all the fawning that had. I haven't watched or read it cos it's really not my thing, but I don't think glamourizing abusive sex/relationships, was ever a good move. It's not something to aspire to, yet all the media talk was about how hot Grey was, as though we're all missing out if we aren't being brutalized by our sexual partners

Not sure when or why anal sex became part of the standard menu. To the point that a relative of mine made a casual joke in front of wider family, about her very young kid finding a butt plug in the bedside drawer . When did arse play become family gathering conversation fodder?!

Mumofnarnia · 09/06/2023 17:05

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/06/2023 16:47

You literally said men are more respectful in relationships so obviously people are going to comment on that if they don’t agree

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But please point out where I said women are SAFER in relationships?? I said that if you skip the dating phase then men generally have nothing to work towards and just see a hookup or casual encounter as just that and tend to respect a hookup less than they would if it was someone they were actually dating or in a relationship with!
A casual encounter where they are most likely to want to act out their fantasies with someone who they are in relationships with and a wife/ gf who have either told them no or the man is simply too scared to bring it up with a gf or wife for fear of what their wife/ gf would think! I haven’t even brought safety into my post!