To think casual sex with men can be quite dangerous

[LadyH846]

I'm just making this post to vent. I'm a single woman who is nearing 40.

I've had a bit of casual sex with people in the past I met on dating apps and with friends/acquaintances. When I was in my 20s, no-one seemed to be into rough sex but I noticed when I was in my mid 30s, the men I met on dating apps were dominating me physically in a way that didn't feel good, e.g. grabbing me roughly by the neck during sex to the point where it felt a bit much, without us discussing beforehand if that was going to happen. I didn't like it and stopped them to explain this. No harm done, apart from how fricking weird it was to have my neck grabbed during sex.

I didn't have casual sex for a few years. Had sex with a friend of mine and thought maybe it would become a friends with benefits thing. Turns out he was into rough sex and didn't tell me. During the first encounter with no warning, he pushed me face down on the bed, really hard. It hurt. I remember I could hardly breathe and felt like I was being smothered. I asked him to stop. I noticed afterwards I seemed to have pulled a muscle in the area of my ribs. Several days later I had to go to A&E because the pain was so bad and I couldn't breathe very well.

Turns out I've got a badly bruised rib, which the doctor said only happens through trauma or an accident. Obviously it happened that night because nothing else has happened to me that could have caused it. This guy was over 6ft and a big, strong guy. I am only 5ft and very slight. I don't think he tried to hurt me, but still.

The sex obviously won't be happening again. I feel like I've been assaulted.

I now feel stupid for not discussing beforehand rough sex and what my limits are, given that I've been grabbed by the throat on numerous occasions in the past.

But why do I have to have this discussion? 20-25 years ago, no-one was doing this.

I don't know why I have encountered men being rough during sex over the last 5-10 years or so. Sex never used to be about this.

I feel like I'm done with casual sex.

You were assaulted by him. I'm really sorry, this must be really difficult to accept and possibly even speak to him about but he needs to understand that you are well within reason to go to the police.

Men in their 20s and 30s these days have been exposed to more violent por n than used to exist. Only a few men older than this are into that type of sex.

I think part of it is they think it is what women want. Someone mentioned 50 Shades. A young nervous woman unsure of what she liked in a sexual partner, forced into violence and ended up falling in love with him... Porn where the women are moaning and screaming at this shit! I don't necessarily think of the woman wanting it, more so that "omg yes the woman wants this, I am a fucking God giving it to her" and they got off on that!

It's a sad state of affairs, after years and years of trying to educate people on consent, which has only come a tiny way, now we need to educate "well just because you have consent to have sex does not mean you have consent for every sexual kink, position or violence" ffs....

Absolutely true.

Also, women's orgasms seemed to be important a while back- never hear any mention of them now!

I don't necessarily think THEY THINK *of the woman wanting it

Typo

The amount of times you see sex scenes in tv programmes and films where there's no foreplay. The guy just sticks it in and either he or both orgasm in a matter of seconds then it's all over. You hardly ever see a man pleasuring a woman.

You were assaulted. Tell him what happened and say next time he does that to someone they may end up going to the police about him so he needs to lay off the violent porn and learn how to please a woman

It's not just porn. You'll see plenty of women on social media sites like tik tok, reddit, etc, saying this is how they want to be treated in bed.

Apparently generation z are far less into relationships and sex than before. I cannot remember where I read this but it was somewhere online. I am pretty sure this is due to the por n industry having changed thereby influencing social media and causing far less interest in relationships and sex. I have no proof of this but it is just a n educated guess.

That is another reason I am done with casual sex.

Interesting to note is that almost all of the men I've had sex with on a casual basis have not been good lovers. Only one was any good.

This guy who assaulted me wouldn't wear a condom because he would lose his erection without it so we didn't have full sex. He didn't really know how to touch me and was not much into foreplay. Didn't seem that interested in me getting pleasure to be honest.

I was in a relationship for several months with a man who was a fantastic lover and cared for me very much. That kind of care, love and respect is a prerequisite for me now for sex, after this experience. He would never have roughed me up like this guy did.

Sorry if I have digressed!

And apologies if this is too much info, but not only have I got bruised ribs but also a yeast infection, because this guy didn't know how to turn me on and kept trying to put things inside of me when I just wasn't ready and I got irritated, which has turned into thrush.

Nightmare.

Going to an isolated place and then willingly getting into a vulnerable position with a relative stranger is inherently risky, it always has been.

For some people, the rewards are worth the risk, and there is nothing wrong with that choice.

Yes I would've highlighted these things before rough sex.

How about a high chance of being raped (I.e. if you decide actually you don't fancy sex after all but are already naked / have started foreplay, a random stranger is far less likely to pretend he "misunderstood" and then it's his word against yours).

I struggle to understand how society tricked women into loving casual sex

@LadyH846 said most causal sex partners have not been good lovers. Isn't this almost always the case given that men get off very easily and if takes a lot more for women. What incentive does someone you've just met have on giving you a great sexual experience.

I wish casual sex was less normalised as now women feel they have to have sex so early on after meeting a man, which is ridiculous

This is being looked at in parliament, maybe time to talk to our MPs? https://committees.parliament.uk/committee/328/women-and-equalities-committee/

@LadyH846 I'm in my early 40s and my experience has been exactly the same as yours.

I've come across men who think that deep throating is a vanilla thing they are entitled to.

I do feel that porn is a part of the problem.

I think casual sex is absolutely bonkers. You are putting yourself at massive physical risk with a man you basically do not know. How is this seen as a good thing?
Sorry for your injuries OP.

Men are creepy and violent, yes.

But there is no need to bring asexuals into this.
Some of us really just don’t feel sexual attraction/ don’t want sex.
I’m ranting, but it’s tough out here when people are so dismissive of a real, actual thing.

Some people have a high sex drive but for whatever reason can't have a relationship that's why.

But yes it is potentially dangerous.

I think the problem with casual sex is that ‘one size’ doesn’t fit all, everyone likes something different, different bodies and anatomies etc and without having a relationship in which you talk about what each other like and like to be touched then the likelihood is that the sex will be shit. Sex got better for me when I started advocating for myself, no faking enjoyment, stopped being polite and telling and showing what I liked, seemed most men just don’t have a bloody clue.

I think it’s a massive factor.

I found it started before then, with porn. But that series completely cemented for some men that women don’t know what they enjoy so added in an element of them knowing better.

@Lemieux3 He also kept pushing me to do this. He said he didn't mind if I was a bit sick from pushing it down too far. I was like, WTF? Being sick in bed is not my idea of a good time.

I'm realising now that I was in bed with someone who was quite into BDSM but failed to let me know and made it out to be normal.

@Lemieux3 vibrator?

Not convinced that women have a good experience anyway with random men!

Well at least it will keep the sex scenes short 😁
Honestly, I don’t understand why there are so many, totally unnecessary scenes now.
And they are also often now pushing the ’kink’ shit.