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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think casual sex with men can be quite dangerous

325 replies

LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 12:51

I'm just making this post to vent. I'm a single woman who is nearing 40.

I've had a bit of casual sex with people in the past I met on dating apps and with friends/acquaintances. When I was in my 20s, no-one seemed to be into rough sex but I noticed when I was in my mid 30s, the men I met on dating apps were dominating me physically in a way that didn't feel good, e.g. grabbing me roughly by the neck during sex to the point where it felt a bit much, without us discussing beforehand if that was going to happen. I didn't like it and stopped them to explain this. No harm done, apart from how fricking weird it was to have my neck grabbed during sex.

I didn't have casual sex for a few years. Had sex with a friend of mine and thought maybe it would become a friends with benefits thing. Turns out he was into rough sex and didn't tell me. During the first encounter with no warning, he pushed me face down on the bed, really hard. It hurt. I remember I could hardly breathe and felt like I was being smothered. I asked him to stop. I noticed afterwards I seemed to have pulled a muscle in the area of my ribs. Several days later I had to go to A&E because the pain was so bad and I couldn't breathe very well.

Turns out I've got a badly bruised rib, which the doctor said only happens through trauma or an accident. Obviously it happened that night because nothing else has happened to me that could have caused it. This guy was over 6ft and a big, strong guy. I am only 5ft and very slight. I don't think he tried to hurt me, but still.

The sex obviously won't be happening again. I feel like I've been assaulted.

I now feel stupid for not discussing beforehand rough sex and what my limits are, given that I've been grabbed by the throat on numerous occasions in the past.

But why do I have to have this discussion? 20-25 years ago, no-one was doing this.

I don't know why I have encountered men being rough during sex over the last 5-10 years or so. Sex never used to be about this.

I feel like I'm done with casual sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyH846 · 13/06/2023 08:37

Ereshkigalangcleg · 13/06/2023 07:35

I said his comments insinuating I was bad in bed were unkind and below the belt.

It's a common tactic for violent men to establish a narrative of mutual consent via text when they sexually assault someone they know. His weird comments are perhaps an effort to do that and make out that you had fully consensual sex in case you decide to report to the police, and also to establish that you have a reason to want to get back at him, maybe, to undermine your account. My rapist (22 years ago) texted me the next day, making comments about how it was and seemingly wanting to meet up again. I never answered him, but he had nothing to worry about as I didn't report him. Like you, it was casual sex that became much more violent.

Now I think about it, this is exactly what he has done. I was too shellshocked to see it before.

The denials that it was rough at all (despite the fact I ended up in A&E with an injury that takes several weeks or sometimes a couple of months to heal); the insistence that I enjoyed it too; the unjustified over-defending of his behaviour; and the insinuation that I am bad in bed. It all makes sense. I realise now he knows he's assaulted me and there's a chance I'll report it to the police. He's been playing me for a fool all along.

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 13/06/2023 09:01

Hes not playing you for a fool. He's an abuser. They get off on taking advantage of people. You've done nothing wrong at all.
I think I'd definitely be telling a couple of "safe" people at your hobby group. Or even whoever organises it. You shouldn't have to be made to be around him and the other women there need protecting from him.

Original poster
LadyH846 · 13/06/2023 09:06

A friend of mine told me that in this country you can file a police report but specify you want no action to be taken. That you just want it to be reported in case anyone comes forward with something more serious.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyH846 · 13/06/2023 09:06

I'm thinking I will go the police station tonight and see what my options are.

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 13/06/2023 09:42

That sounds like a very good idea. Good luck x

SamW98 · 13/06/2023 11:02

LadyH846 · 13/06/2023 09:06

A friend of mine told me that in this country you can file a police report but specify you want no action to be taken. That you just want it to be reported in case anyone comes forward with something more serious.

I would report him even if there’s not enough actual evidence for him to be charged. It’ll be on file then and his name will be on record if any similar complaints are made.

My friend went to police to report her ex for harassment. Although they Didht have enough to charge him, they still bought him in for an informal ‘chat’ which is often enough to put the frighteners on.

Fimofriend · 13/06/2023 11:10

I'm a bit worried about the number of men who get away with murder because they claim that the victim liked rough sex and they just accidentally took it too far. I read about a case where the victim was married to someone else than the murderer and then the murderer just claimed that they were having an affair and of course, she liked it differently with a lover. As far as I remember he didn't get away with that one.

Anyway. I have informed my two best friends that I don't like rough sex and if I die like that it is murder. Of course, my DH also knows my opinion of the matter but I don't want a murderer to do the "I was her lover" defence.

Original poster
LadyH846 · 13/06/2023 12:49

SamW98 · 13/06/2023 11:02

I would report him even if there’s not enough actual evidence for him to be charged. It’ll be on file then and his name will be on record if any similar complaints are made.

My friend went to police to report her ex for harassment. Although they Didht have enough to charge him, they still bought him in for an informal ‘chat’ which is often enough to put the frighteners on.

Show quote history

I would love to report him to the police for what he has done, but I don't think it's in my best interests.

I attend my hobby group at least once a week. It involves public dance events that can be attended by anyone, including him. If the police have a chat with him, there is going to be a seriously bad atmosphere in our group. I dislike confrontation. He may try to retaliate in some way by smearing me or spreading rumours about me. He also knows things about me and my past (just private things really) that I'd rather not have spread around.

His last message was so nasty that I now see that he is unlikely to go away quietly, reflect on what he has done or feel bad about it.

I also don't think I'll get any kind of justice. In his messages he is denying that the sex was rough. He would perhaps even claim to the police that the injury was nothing to do with him. Plus I deleted the messages we exchanged when I blocked him, because they upset me and I wanted him off my phone.

For this reason I don't think reporting him with the aim of scaring him or getting any kind of justice will have a good outcome for me.

Instead what I'm going to do is see if I can report him with no action being taken, in case he hurts someone else in the future (so there's a trail of breadcrumbs for the police to follow if this happens again), and I'm going to tell several people I trust in our hobby group what happened. Then I'm going to ignore him and carry on being happy at my dance events.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/06/2023 13:00

I think you need to prepare yourself for him telling people his story at your dance group.

He’ll be desperate to make it so uncomfortable that you leave so that you can’t tell the actual story

Original poster
LadyH846 · 13/06/2023 13:08

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/06/2023 13:00

I think you need to prepare yourself for him telling people his story at your dance group.

He’ll be desperate to make it so uncomfortable that you leave so that you can’t tell the actual story

I'm not sure if this will happen. I'm hoping not. He doesn't have many friends there, I was his main friend. The others he dances with but doesn't really know them well or tell them about his stuff.

OP posts:
Siameasy · 13/06/2023 13:13

That sounds awful, I hope I’m never single as I’ve only been with DH since the late 00s. I agree, reporting it feels like it may disadvantage you. Do what is best for you

Ereshkigalangcleg · 13/06/2023 15:01

I realise now he knows he's assaulted me and there's a chance I'll report it to the police. He's been playing me for a fool all along.

Flowers I'm sorry that he did that to you.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/06/2023 21:22

Reporting to police while asking that no action be taken sounds like a good idea.

I also think it’s possible that he won’t come back to the hobby group if you were his only friend there.

He’s a creep and you’re doing the right thing by having nothing to do with him again.

monsteramunch · 13/06/2023 21:27

Thinking of you OP, hope you're doing OK and that the police were helpful if you went to speak to them Flowers

Original poster
LadyH846 · 14/06/2023 14:54

Thank you!

I went to the police station. Spoke to a sergeant who specialises in sexual assault. They said it was a crime he committed and encouraged me strongly to press charges or at least have a chat with him where I don't press charges but they just scare him a bit over what he has done. They said yes it may make my hobby group awkward but what about the other women who may get hurt in the future because he feels he can do this with impunity.

I said I would go away and think about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyH846 · 14/06/2023 14:55

If I'm honest I'm scared of him and what he can do to make my life hell. I saw a vindictive side to him in his messages that I didn't know existed and I think he's already convinced he's in the right.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyH846 · 14/06/2023 14:57

They also said that making an informal report, where I report what happened but nothing happens as a result, doesn't really help anyone.

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 14/06/2023 15:02

OP, I'm just slightly older than you, my preference has always been for sex with a good friend where you are both OK with the "rules". A good friend won''t hurt you, and if they will, they are not a friend.

I won't have sex without a condom and men should understand that it is for their benefit too.

TheGuv1982 · 14/06/2023 15:07

Bananalanacake · 09/06/2023 12:54

I came here thinking you meant the amount of men who refuse to use condoms. You will get lots of people telling you it's to do with the internet and free porn and men being entitled. Hope you recover soon.

You know what, I chuckle at the amount of people on here who blame the worlds evils on porn, but this I agree with. It’s coming from porn, and it’s proper sinister.

millymog11 · 14/06/2023 15:14

As a general question to this thread, does anyonen know of an organisation, campaign body, think tank, research body, influencer (?!) source of information, source of statistics, education organisation or lobby organisation which aims to education younger boys (boys in particular but I suppose girls also) about the effects rough sex can have in a relationship all the way through to being accused of assault (or even murder) from the much more nebulous consequences at the other end of the spectrum (eg erectile dysfunction from obsessively consuming too much porn).
Is there anything at all like this anywhere whatsoever in society or are schools literally educating school children that rough sex in all its guises including anal, oral, choking etc are all a normal and expected part of sex.

I just wondered whether there are any organisations anywhere (whether acknowledged in school or otherwise) whose profile is reaching/accessible to teens.
Thanks

DancingQueen2019 · 14/06/2023 15:34

what an awful man! x

Agapornis · 14/06/2023 15:48

Could you have a chat about it with some of the women in the group? He may have done the same to others already. That will help you when he gets nasty.

Original poster
LadyH846 · 14/06/2023 16:11

Agapornis · 14/06/2023 15:48

Could you have a chat about it with some of the women in the group? He may have done the same to others already. That will help you when he gets nasty.

Yes, I've told 2 friends in the group.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 14/06/2023 16:13

Were they supportive and receptive to you telling them what happened @LadyH846?

Massive well done for going to the police to talk to them, that must have taken a huge emotional toll so you should be really proud of yourself Flowers

monsteramunch · 14/06/2023 16:13

monsteramunch · 14/06/2023 16:13

Were they supportive and receptive to you telling them what happened @LadyH846?

Massive well done for going to the police to talk to them, that must have taken a huge emotional toll so you should be really proud of yourself Flowers

By 'they' I mean the friends in your group, to be clear.