To think casual sex with men can be quite dangerous

[LadyH846]

I'm just making this post to vent. I'm a single woman who is nearing 40.

I've had a bit of casual sex with people in the past I met on dating apps and with friends/acquaintances. When I was in my 20s, no-one seemed to be into rough sex but I noticed when I was in my mid 30s, the men I met on dating apps were dominating me physically in a way that didn't feel good, e.g. grabbing me roughly by the neck during sex to the point where it felt a bit much, without us discussing beforehand if that was going to happen. I didn't like it and stopped them to explain this. No harm done, apart from how fricking weird it was to have my neck grabbed during sex.

I didn't have casual sex for a few years. Had sex with a friend of mine and thought maybe it would become a friends with benefits thing. Turns out he was into rough sex and didn't tell me. During the first encounter with no warning, he pushed me face down on the bed, really hard. It hurt. I remember I could hardly breathe and felt like I was being smothered. I asked him to stop. I noticed afterwards I seemed to have pulled a muscle in the area of my ribs. Several days later I had to go to A&E because the pain was so bad and I couldn't breathe very well.

Turns out I've got a badly bruised rib, which the doctor said only happens through trauma or an accident. Obviously it happened that night because nothing else has happened to me that could have caused it. This guy was over 6ft and a big, strong guy. I am only 5ft and very slight. I don't think he tried to hurt me, but still.

The sex obviously won't be happening again. I feel like I've been assaulted.

I now feel stupid for not discussing beforehand rough sex and what my limits are, given that I've been grabbed by the throat on numerous occasions in the past.

But why do I have to have this discussion? 20-25 years ago, no-one was doing this.

I don't know why I have encountered men being rough during sex over the last 5-10 years or so. Sex never used to be about this.

I feel like I'm done with casual sex.

Yes, they were supportive.

Thank you.

The police say they do want to bring him in, just to scare him about what he has done, since I won't be pressing charges, to hopefully make it less likely he will do this again.

I'm actually leaning towards saying ok do it.

The police officer said, your hobby group is already going to be awkward whether you make a formal report or not, whether because this man assaulted you and there's no escaping that going forward.

They also said this will go on his record if I make a statement and they have a chat with him, which will help any future victims.

That sounds positive, LadyH846. I'm glad you were able to speak to a couple of your friends about it.

I'm really glad your friends were supportive and also that the police took this seriously, it's refreshing to hear they've done so.

It's completely your decision (obviously!) whether to do what the police have suggested but FWIW I think it sounds like a sensible plan and one that gives you some protection and support without necessarily having to go through something like a trial.

If there's a group leader at the hobby I also think it's definitely worth considering telling them in confidence too, again only if you feel able to.

Thinking of you

Does your hobby group have any kind of safeguarding measures in place? They usually have some sort of guidelines if it's a formally constituted group. You can ask about them without disclosing details. Hopefully he can be kicked out (it's happened in my hobby).

Actually the police were amazing. I was surprised. The sergeant I spoke to seemed to me like he'd had extensive training in that area.

It's more of a loose, not so united community with many leaders. Some of them hold dance events and others hold group classes. To get rid of him from the group I'd have to talk to about a dozen people, some male some female, and tell them what happened. And then they might say they don't want to get involved.

I have good relationships with many of these leaders in the community. I've been participating around 2.5 years whereas he's only been in the community for 6-9 months, I think.

This seems to have revealed a really nasty and worrying side to him over an above what you discovered when you had sex with him.
So you feel horrible about the time together
He assaulted you during it
He tried to force you to do something you said you didn't want to
He wouldn't wear a condom so you couldn't have full sex
He didn't know when you were aroused or how to get you aroused
He lost his errection when you asked him to stop strangling you
And probably much more you haven't said.
I would say that makes him a bad sexual partner, whatever he might think. And deluded too, which makes him moving into the dangerous territory from the pathetic territory.

Ah right, so it's something like salsa, bachata, lindyhop, rock 'n roll - where men are expected to dance with women but rarely with men? How about getting your friends on board in telling other women it's best to stay away and not dance with him? If he's there to pick up/sexually assault women, the best way to get rid may be to collectively shun him.

Jeez, it's come to something when we women are apprising our friends of our preferences - just in case we get murdered. I have done the same.

Just an update that I decided to report him to the police so that they can press charges if they see fit. I'm not sure if it will go to court (I doubt it) but hope at least to make him think twice about doing this again.

I'm also hoping to get a protection order or restraining order against him so he cannot go to dance events anymore, but I can still go.

The reason I decided to report is because he mentioned that a woman had falsely accused him in the past. (This should have given me serious pause but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt since I have another close friend who genuinely was falsely accused.)

And the police when I went to talk to them initially went away for 15 mins after I gave them the offender's name. They then came back and said something like "let's say that this guy has done this many times before, and will keep doing it again." It seemed like an admission that this is not the first time for him. They did put pressure on me to report and I think they were so understanding and kind to me because this is a serial offender and they want to collect more reports or hoping that this is the one that convicts him. They 100% believed me and that's why I don't think this is his first time at all.

I was not in a good place when I wrote this thread...I've slowly been coming to terms with what has happened. Thanks again to everyone who sent supportive comments. Mumsnet at its best.

I'm so happy for you that you reported.

Sad state of affairs that you think the police believed because of previous events and not because you reported it though.

Yes, it is sad. I only realised that after I wrote it. I've heard stories of people not being believed by police in the past but maybe things have changed since MeToo.

They spent 1.5 hours trying to convince me to report him. I'm not sure if they do that with everyone. That's why I think they have stuff on him already and they need this report to convict him, either now or in the future when someone comes forward with something worse. A domestic violence charity I spoke to told me they shouldn't have put all that pressure on but it does show they are invested, whatever that means.

Well done OP! If he has done it before he will keep on doing it! He is a threat to women and has obviously got away with it for so long! I really am so happy with your update.

Well done op!
You have no idea what is in his history that the police can see. Maybe he has a history of domestic abuse or something like that, which would make a report more complex.
You've definitely done the right thing!

He said the false accusation was for domestic violence. He had to move away from another city because his ex had "poisoned everyone against him" and said he was violent, and nobody would speak to him. Apparently she was a sociopath. I feel I've been very naive. I would not continue contact with a man who's been accused of violence again after this.

Nah, this in itself is a red flag. He probably moved to a different city maybe due to having an injunction against him that stopped him being so many miles away from her! Strange how all these violent men all have crazy exes! He will have poisened everyone against her more like!

I've just caught up with your updates. You're amazing OP. You've taken proactive steps to address his assault. That's not easy to do, especially with all the additional issues you outlined.

💪💪💪

No you haven't been naive. I think being sympathetic to him may have been why he wanted to get involved - because he thought you were a kind person who he would be able to persuade misunderstood his abuse. But hey! He picked the wrong woman. You rock OP. Hopefully he'll get his just deserts for this.

I've followed this thread, well down for speaking to the police. It's utterly chilling that this male behaviour seems to be on the increase and so normalised.

Well done for reporting your assault though o completely understand why many choose not to

it’s very concerning how violent sex is becoming so normalised we know what’s to blame. I no longer old as got fed up with men pushing my boundaries this rarely used to happen

I have not read the thread but porn has not only conditioned men into wanting violent sex but even more frighteningly it's conditioning women into thinking that's what they want to.
I don't think the impact porn is having on society can be understated. It permeates every aspect of society, from sex, to relationships, to tv, media, mental health, fashion, education... I truly believe it is altering the way we see ourselves, even the way we 'feel' pleasure and pain. It's frightening.
I would also says it's totally understandable that people watch it. It's instant dopamine for the brain and hugely addictive. It doesn't make a person bad.
I don't like the way it is revered and celebrated by society. Sex work is real work etc.
This is one reason ALL parents should stop letting children have access to smart phones and the like for as long as possible.

Also, to add, acting out something violent is another thing entirely, and in that case a person should be held accountable.

Saw the update. Well done OP. True bravery!

Also back to porn. My point is that it's impacting all of us even if we don't watch it because of the wider impact it has on everything and everyone else. People might think that's too strong but I am certain it is the case.

Thank you everyone x