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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think casual sex with men can be quite dangerous

325 replies

LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 12:51

I'm just making this post to vent. I'm a single woman who is nearing 40.

I've had a bit of casual sex with people in the past I met on dating apps and with friends/acquaintances. When I was in my 20s, no-one seemed to be into rough sex but I noticed when I was in my mid 30s, the men I met on dating apps were dominating me physically in a way that didn't feel good, e.g. grabbing me roughly by the neck during sex to the point where it felt a bit much, without us discussing beforehand if that was going to happen. I didn't like it and stopped them to explain this. No harm done, apart from how fricking weird it was to have my neck grabbed during sex.

I didn't have casual sex for a few years. Had sex with a friend of mine and thought maybe it would become a friends with benefits thing. Turns out he was into rough sex and didn't tell me. During the first encounter with no warning, he pushed me face down on the bed, really hard. It hurt. I remember I could hardly breathe and felt like I was being smothered. I asked him to stop. I noticed afterwards I seemed to have pulled a muscle in the area of my ribs. Several days later I had to go to A&E because the pain was so bad and I couldn't breathe very well.

Turns out I've got a badly bruised rib, which the doctor said only happens through trauma or an accident. Obviously it happened that night because nothing else has happened to me that could have caused it. This guy was over 6ft and a big, strong guy. I am only 5ft and very slight. I don't think he tried to hurt me, but still.

The sex obviously won't be happening again. I feel like I've been assaulted.

I now feel stupid for not discussing beforehand rough sex and what my limits are, given that I've been grabbed by the throat on numerous occasions in the past.

But why do I have to have this discussion? 20-25 years ago, no-one was doing this.

I don't know why I have encountered men being rough during sex over the last 5-10 years or so. Sex never used to be about this.

I feel like I'm done with casual sex.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/06/2023 14:17

It’s interesting how many people have commented on the danger of casual sex with strangers - the OP was with a friend, someone she knew. It’s not limited to people having sex with random people they’ve never met

Thats often used as the “well you’ll be safe if you don’t fuck randoms” victim blaming tone and it’s absolutely not the case.

Lemieux3 · 09/06/2023 14:17

LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 14:14

@Lemieux3 He also kept pushing me to do this. He said he didn't mind if I was a bit sick from pushing it down too far. I was like, WTF? Being sick in bed is not my idea of a good time.

I'm realising now that I was in bed with someone who was quite into BDSM but failed to let me know and made it out to be normal.

Yes these people are so pushy. They don't deserve to have sex. I've heard similar 'don't worry, I won't leave bruises on you until next time' Angry

Crinkle77 · 09/06/2023 14:18

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 09/06/2023 14:16

Well at least it will keep the sex scenes short 😁
Honestly, I don’t understand why there are so many, totally unnecessary scenes now.
And they are also often now pushing the ’kink’ shit.

Show quote history

Ha ha yeah that's true. Half the time programmes like Bridgerton are only successful cos of all the sex scenes. If it's good story it shouldn't need all this gratuitous sex.

Lemieux3 · 09/06/2023 14:18

@YetMoreNewBeginnings yes I agree you might 'know' someone but they are a stranger sexually until you've had sex with them.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/06/2023 14:19

LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 14:14

@Lemieux3 He also kept pushing me to do this. He said he didn't mind if I was a bit sick from pushing it down too far. I was like, WTF? Being sick in bed is not my idea of a good time.

I'm realising now that I was in bed with someone who was quite into BDSM but failed to let me know and made it out to be normal.

He sounds like another twat who ignores that the first post of genuine BDSM (or any kink) is consent.

He probably thinks he’s “Dom” (so many guys spout this now) without actually realising he’s just an abusive bully.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/06/2023 14:21

Lemieux3 · 09/06/2023 14:18

@YetMoreNewBeginnings yes I agree you might 'know' someone but they are a stranger sexually until you've had sex with them.

It’s something that’s often used to push the blame back onto women I find when it’s absolutely down to men.

RingLightLight · 09/06/2023 14:23

I stopped having casual sex I guess about… 6 years ago? I don’t think in this time anyone initiated this type of rough sex without (or even with) discussion. So hopefully it’s not all men doing this. Sorry you had this experience OP.

I get the impression choking is popular nowadays, so I guess it’s pretty normalised among younger people (I’m late 30s).

Original poster
LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 14:23

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/06/2023 14:17

It’s interesting how many people have commented on the danger of casual sex with strangers - the OP was with a friend, someone she knew. It’s not limited to people having sex with random people they’ve never met

Thats often used as the “well you’ll be safe if you don’t fuck randoms” victim blaming tone and it’s absolutely not the case.

Yes. This was my friend and I expected better behaviour from him.

OP posts:
MakesMeFeelSad · 09/06/2023 14:31

I only started having casual sex 5 years ago and haven't come across any of this luckily

Zippedydoo123 · 09/06/2023 14:34

I have been doing casual sex for years and I always make it clear from the off absolutely no BDSM. Never had an issue this far touch wood.

I am aware these problems exist though.

egowise · 09/06/2023 14:37

I freak out when a man goes for my throat and sadly it's happened way too often. I have trauma in my past related to it, and men get upset that they have upset me, and I feel I have to point out that it's not okay to strangle somebody.

I am so sick of being expected to enjoy being beaten up in aid of 'pleasure'. It's everywhere, and as another poster said, it's not just men. Women are claiming to enjoy this, all over social media. And I have no doubt whatsoever that they are conditioned, I find it difficult to believe that it's not a very small niche that truly enjoy this.

And don't get me started on CNC.

Women are going to keep being murdered in this way, and men get away with it because 'it was just rough sex, your honour'

OhComeOnFFS · 09/06/2023 14:43

LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 14:14

@Lemieux3 He also kept pushing me to do this. He said he didn't mind if I was a bit sick from pushing it down too far. I was like, WTF? Being sick in bed is not my idea of a good time.

I'm realising now that I was in bed with someone who was quite into BDSM but failed to let me know and made it out to be normal.

He was into abusing women. It's horrific.

I had my fair share of ONSs back in the 80s and I do remember once thinking, "Shit, nobody in the world knows where I am" - it ended well, luckily, but he was the last one I did that with.

FrostyFifi · 09/06/2023 14:46

This is really upsetting to read. I had quite a lot of casual sex in the 90s and despite in retrospect putting myself in some probably quite risky situations, no-one ever choked me, slammed me around, hit me or shoved their cock up my arse. It was just - sex, really. Probably the most out-there we got was 69.

notjackwhite · 09/06/2023 14:46

I'm in my mid 20s and agree. Have had a number of recent experiences with men who initially came across quite decent and nice but then became very rough in bed, without warning or prior discussion. I don't necessarily mind rougher sex but I do mind when men do it without asking if it is OK.

Choking in particular seems very common and many people don't seem to be aware of the risks- it is a dangerous activity and can cause brain damage if done wrong. It scares me how normalised it has become.

FrostyFifi · 09/06/2023 14:51

What is worrying is that they are so jaded and desensitised by porn overuse that this is apparently the only way they can get off.

Original poster
LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 14:53

I emailed the guy in question, let him know about the bruising and that the doctor said it could only have been caused through physical trauma. I told him it happened when he pushed me into the bed with some force.

I told him it wasn't OK for him to just spring this on me at the time without any discussion and he needs to discuss with future partners and if future partners turn out to be into it, he needs to ease into it and not just slam someone into the bed, because he's a strong guy and he may hurt someone else, like I've got hurt.

It was more than he deserved. I agree he actually deserves to be reported to the police for assault, but I will be seeing this guy in a group I belong to so I don't want there to be bad blood.

OP posts:
Mooshamoo · 09/06/2023 14:57

Someone said that casual sex is risky .

Being a woman is risky.

I'm so fed up of being a woman

OhComeOnFFS · 09/06/2023 14:59

Hang on, YOU don't want there to be bad blood? He's the one who's bruised you so that you're in physical pain.

Mooshamoo · 09/06/2023 14:59

BeverlyBrook · 09/06/2023 14:12

I think casual sex is absolutely bonkers. You are putting yourself at massive physical risk with a man you basically do not know. How is this seen as a good thing?
Sorry for your injuries OP.

Being with any man is a risk.

People get raped by their boyfriends

Mooshamoo · 09/06/2023 15:00

He injured you Op. That's very sad.

Speedweed · 09/06/2023 15:00

It is awful, OP. I gave up on casual sex because it was just so crap. Grooming standards are way higher, so that adds to the faff, and then the sex is terrible.

Dating is dead - there is no meeting someone a few times to see how you get on, my experience was generally that you turn up for a first date and are expected to decide if you want to have sex or not, on that date, or the next one, when they'd suggest you came over to their place or vice versa.

Then there would be one conversation about what they were into, which seemed to be them seeking to get consent for whatever weird behaviour they wanted to try. Then they'd ask you the same question - and be open mouthed if you said 'orgasms, specifically my orgasm'. It just hadn't entered their heads that you might have needs yourself, other than being a fuck toy to service them.

Then they'd try and push whatever boundaries or limits you might have previously set.

There was no fun, no joy and no caring, which I found used to be the case in even the most casual of situations 20 odd years ago.

Absolutely god awful.

Original poster
LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 15:08

@Speedweed - Ugh. So depressing!

On top of the sex being shit, and the rough stuff discussed in this thread, I find that a few men seem to have issues with consent.

The only guy I've slept with casually who was any good, engaged in a sex act with me that I'd told him I don't do, and won't do with him.

OP posts:
Mooshamoo · 09/06/2023 15:13

The thing is:.

Many men enjoy abusing women.

They enjoy having power over women .

They see women as sub human, just there to serve men. They see woman as just for sex.

This is fun to them. Men like having power.

A male acquaintance said that to me once. He said that men really really enjoy having power over women. That it feels great.

This is just the world we live in

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 09/06/2023 15:15

All this is why if anything happens to DH or if we were ever to split up, I will not be looking for a relationship with a man again. I've had enough shitty behaviour from men without adding this.

PoxyAndIKnowIt · 09/06/2023 15:15

I'm sorry you have experienced this. Whilst I think casual sex can be risky (though a woman is perfectly entitled to do whatever she wants, and I did in the 80s - a lot!) it seems it can be tricky with more careful choices, too.

I think it's not just the normalisation of tough sex, but that there is now, frighteningly, a whole new level of disrespect for women generally.
A PP noted that many aspects of sexual liberation have actually harmed women. I think thats true, and also that greater equality all round has made many men hate and resent women and want to put them back in their place. I have 4 DD's... I really worry for them.