Feel guilty, I was rude on the bus

[Buzzybee4]

I know I can’t change it now and it’s over with but I’m a massive overthinks/worrier and I can’t shake off how guilty I feel!

I got a bus from basically one end of the country to the other. london to edinburgh. It was about 10 hours if I remember correctly. I’m not usually travel sick however I had a horrific migraine yesterday and felt awful with it. It was one of those headaches where everything was spinning and I felt so nauseous. But I had to get on the bus anyway as shit as I felt because I had to get back up to Edinburgh and it was the last bus

i had booked in advance and was praying for a seat without anyone beside me so I could stretch out a bit and sleep/cry/rock back and forth with the pain. However the bus was full and I ended up beside an older gentlemen (80s or possibly older i would say). Absolutely fine I understand I’ll have to sit next to someone, I still intended to sleep because I felt so rubbish.

however the man was obviously lonely and wanted to talk. He was absolutely lovely and was just trying to make general chit chat and tell me about his grandkids (he was so proud of them it was lovely) and to ask me general chit chat things. I felt awful because he was being so kind and he was clearly lonely but I wasn’t up for chatting. I was only really answering with 1 word answers and i was still being polite to him but it was clear I didn’t want to talk. Under my sunglasses I was crying because I felt so ill (he couldn’t see that though) eventually I fell asleep and woke up about an hour later still feeling rubbish. Again, he tried to make pleasant conversation with me. He honestly seemed delighted to have someone to talk to, not in a bad way just in a lonely way. But again in was polite but very short and not interested in talking. It was like this for the whole journey.

as I was getting off in Edinburgh I heard a few people chatting about how rude I was and I couldn’t even be bothered to talk to that man for more than 10 seconds and he was just being polite and is clearly lonely and how rude and selfish some people are (me) not to even chat for 2 minutes

I feel so bad about it now, what if he was lonely and doesn’t get to chat to many people and I’ve completely shut him down. He was so friendly and nice and looked a bit deflated when I wasn’t interested in talking to him and I feel so guilty about it all now

sounds silly and dramatic but I’m an over thinker and can’t shake off the guilt about it, especially after overhearing those other people too

Isn't there a book somewhere called 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck?'

It sounds as though this should be required reading for those who think a woman's place is to #BeKind, do all the WifeWork, smile and be pretty, and devote our time, attention and conversation just because someone we don't know from Adam (guaranteed it's a bloke) sees fit to demand it.

It should be made compulsory reading for those who spend time on MN threads admonishing other women for failing to do the above.

What others think of us is not our problem.

OP you weren't rude. When I have a migraine I can barely string 2 words together. You tried your best to make him understand, not your fault he didn't. The people who didn't know the situation and jumped to a conclusion - THEY were incredibly rude

If other people could tell you were being off and the old man "couldn't" and still kept on at you I think he's quite rude

I got a bus from basically one end of the country to the other. london to edinburgh. It was about 10 hours if I remember correctly.

My god, you are not obliged to make polite chitchat with anyone on any bus - let alone on a 10 hour trip, and when you are feeling ill.

If you weren't feeling ill and just wanted to stare out the window, that would be perfectly acceptable also.

Some people are naturally chatty, and some crave constant conversation - but that is also not your job to fulfil.

I agree that you didn't owe him a conversation even if he was nice, kind, lonely. But women are conditioned to think we must always be so kind right.

You could have said, I'm sorry I have a headache and you seem nice but I can't talk right now.

However what really went wrong. Nothing! Someone was slightly disappointed. He's 80, I'm sure he's resilient. He'll chat again and meet someone who talks to him. My old dad talked to everyone, one person wouldn't put him off.

Then some people who didn't know you thought you were rude.

So I kind of understand, I'm a worrier too. But all that happened is you're reminded you need to speak up for yourself. And it will also help others.

Did you read her original post? She said he was lovely and kind and obviously lonely. Yes she owed this stranger nothing, but she didn't even try to tell him to stop talking to her.

Did you click see all and read her subsequent posts? She did tell him she wanted peace and quiet.
Admittedly you have to click through a load of posts in answer to some twat picking a fight, but it's still there.

Op I'm sorry to hear this. It doesn't sound like you were rude or unreasonable and the man, however lonely he was, wasn't entitled to your time. His desire to chat doesn't trump your need for comfort on a journey youve paid for. This is unfortunately a classic case of sexism, however unintentional it may have been, the older man saw a nice young lady and decided to talk with her. I doubt he would do the same to a bloke or a person dressed in a business suit with a laptop for example.

Even if I weren't ill I wouldn't want to spend 10 hours chatting and he imposed on you and put you in a difficult position although yes this probably wasn't intentional I know. I like to spend train and bus journeys listening to my music and being quiet, I get travel sick and talking does make it worse!

Some other posters are saying you should have told him your situation and I probably would have done but again you didn't owe him anything.

The other passengers were being horrible and judgy. Why didn't they talk to him if they cared that much?

A woman does not need to give a man, of any age, an excuse for not entertaining him. She does not exist for his, or anyone elses amusement.

It is not rude to not want to talk to complete strangers, at any time. We do not owe anyone our time or attention.

I hope you don't mind me sharing, I'm a Christian, and Jesus really speaks beautifully into this.
As humans, we all do things which hurt other people (and we are all hurt in life too!).
Sometimes these things are intentional, and sometimes they are not, but there are often times in life where we realise afterwards, and feel really bad, but can't make it right - like I can imagine it might be quite frustrating to not be able to go back and say sorry that you weren't really engaging in conversation, and to perhaps to explain you would struggle to with your migraine!
The bible says that 'no one is righteous', it feels quite discouraging, but none of us deal lovingly with others all of the time, but that God will count us righteous if we believe in him, 'the one who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead'. Jesus did live righteously, loving God and loving other people so well - in fact, he did it perfectly! So if we trust in him, we are given his record, as if we never did anything wrong! Jesus also died, for us to take away our blame, our guilt, our shame, so we don't have to face any of these things, we don't have to face punishment for any wrong we do. Jesus also rose again, and reigns forever. He lives in all of those who trust in him, helping us to love God and others well and honestly. This means that next time we're on a bus with a migraine and someone speaks to us, we might end up saying something like 'thank you for speaking to me. I'm sorry I'm not very chatty, I have a migraine, but don't mean to be rude not responding!', and sometimes, in experiences like this, I've even found Jesus helps me speak a little through a migraine, and the conversation has taken my mind off the pain and cheered me up. And we also have the hope of life with our good King Jesus forever, enjoying good and right relationships with God and with others in a place without pain and suffering, which is such great news!
So, when we believe in Jesus, we are saved to eternal life. And we are also saved from God's punishment for our wrongdoing. This may sound a bit extreme, but please think about it - surely ignoring and rebelling against the good Creator and King all our lives is a far worse thing than ignoring a man on a bus journey?

With the greatest respect, I don't think Jesus had to be crucified in order for it to be ok for us to say 'thank you for speaking to me. I'm sorry I'm not very chatty, I have a migraine, but don't mean to be rude not responding!'. I think that would have been ok anyway.

I'm not at all surprised to hear that you're Scottish 😊.

You're going to get a massively wide range of responses on this thread I'm afraid. The 'talking on public transport' thing is the very definition of the North/South divide.
You feel guilty because us Scots talk on public transport as standard.
I lived in the SE for 12 years, and nobody talks on public transport 🤦‍♀️.
So people are coming from different cultural perspectives.

But it wasn't public transport. It was a 10 hour bus trip.

And she did try to tell him, but he was apparently a bit deaf.

Imagining you sat next to someone like Uncle Colm from Derry Girls - with a migraine - what a nightmare!

My daughter gets debilitating migraines and cannot string a sentence together, she just sits in the bathroom next to the toilet until the projectile vomiting phase has finished then sleeps it off in a dark room.

Hate when people think it's just a headache - if only. The school thought it was 'just a headache' even though she said she couldn't see in one eye - they soon let her home when she projectile vomited (exorcist style) all over the medical room (those small cardboard bowls are useless).

You didn't do anything wrong, but maybe you could have said, "I'm terribly sorry, I wouldn't be good company. I've got a horrible headache, and I just need to try and sleep it off."
This is also why I take my big-ass headphones on coaches (I also use them quite a lot). I don't want to chat. I just want to switch off.

Please keep your religion to yourself. Your gods and their punishments are of no interest to anyone who hsan't asked.

Jfc any excuse to proselytise eh?

Ah bless you. From what you've said and how you seem as a person, i doubt you were openly rude. You were polite and you don't have to chat to anyone for hours on end. You could be an introvert who doesn't want to talk to people or like you've said, you could be feeling unwell. At his age he will be used to different personalities and situations and i'm sure he hasn't taken it too personally. The other people around him could have chatted to him if they were that concerned for him too. I'm sure he's fine and will have found someone else to talk to soon enough. xxx