Feel guilty, I was rude on the bus

[Buzzybee4]

I know I can’t change it now and it’s over with but I’m a massive overthinks/worrier and I can’t shake off how guilty I feel!

I got a bus from basically one end of the country to the other. london to edinburgh. It was about 10 hours if I remember correctly. I’m not usually travel sick however I had a horrific migraine yesterday and felt awful with it. It was one of those headaches where everything was spinning and I felt so nauseous. But I had to get on the bus anyway as shit as I felt because I had to get back up to Edinburgh and it was the last bus

i had booked in advance and was praying for a seat without anyone beside me so I could stretch out a bit and sleep/cry/rock back and forth with the pain. However the bus was full and I ended up beside an older gentlemen (80s or possibly older i would say). Absolutely fine I understand I’ll have to sit next to someone, I still intended to sleep because I felt so rubbish.

however the man was obviously lonely and wanted to talk. He was absolutely lovely and was just trying to make general chit chat and tell me about his grandkids (he was so proud of them it was lovely) and to ask me general chit chat things. I felt awful because he was being so kind and he was clearly lonely but I wasn’t up for chatting. I was only really answering with 1 word answers and i was still being polite to him but it was clear I didn’t want to talk. Under my sunglasses I was crying because I felt so ill (he couldn’t see that though) eventually I fell asleep and woke up about an hour later still feeling rubbish. Again, he tried to make pleasant conversation with me. He honestly seemed delighted to have someone to talk to, not in a bad way just in a lonely way. But again in was polite but very short and not interested in talking. It was like this for the whole journey.

as I was getting off in Edinburgh I heard a few people chatting about how rude I was and I couldn’t even be bothered to talk to that man for more than 10 seconds and he was just being polite and is clearly lonely and how rude and selfish some people are (me) not to even chat for 2 minutes

I feel so bad about it now, what if he was lonely and doesn’t get to chat to many people and I’ve completely shut him down. He was so friendly and nice and looked a bit deflated when I wasn’t interested in talking to him and I feel so guilty about it all now

sounds silly and dramatic but I’m an over thinker and can’t shake off the guilt about it, especially after overhearing those other people too

Without being simplistic would a man who didn’t want to speak to someone else on a journey feel this guilty. I very much doubt it.

OP you sound like a lovely person. I’ve been brought up to show respect to older people. It’s not a bad thing. But no one owes anyone a conversation.

Hope you’re feeling better.

Oh and you’ve still not answered my previous question (which I’ve asked twice)😊

🥱

@Buzzybee4 stop replying to @Cherchezlafemme77 You are feeding them. We can all see what they are. You really don't need to waste your energy

Oh give it a fucking rest

Yep, exactly. Yawn. Glad you've spotted yourself.

Yeah you’re right @Cherchezlafemme77 - she probably wasn’t even going from Edinburgh to London. Just a local 10 min bus ride. And the man was 35. And she didn’t have a headache.

You are so so odd! 🤣🤣

Thank you that’s a really good point, I can’t imagine a man feeling so guilty about it. I feel a lot better now that I’m in my own flat with a cup of coffee and salty crisps- the perfect migraine cure! 😋

I never get this hand wringing over catering to chatty old people. They’ve had eighty years to engage strangers in deep and meaningful conversations and should be able to read the signs

Me neither. There are multiple community activities available for people who are lonely and want company- why is it the sole repsonsibility of some random stranger? Not to mention, why do people always stereotype older people as lonely and deserving of pity? Talk about patronising. Why cant they just be socially awkward, unable to read social cues appropriately and frankly, sometimes intrusive? Its really bizarre the way people make all these assumptions about a person just because they are over a certain age.

I'm a man and I often feel bad in similar situations - I've spent the last twenty years or more building walls around me and I often regret being cold and aloof with strangers.

I voted YABU because you werent being rude. You were ill.
Next time, I would say I'm sorry, I have a terrible migraine so I need to sleep and can't talk.
You don't owe anyone conversation, whether you're ill or not.
The journey with a migraine sounds horrendous.

OP I’m assuming you’re a woman. Didn’t you know that your role in life is to make men happy at all times? Shame on you.

You don’t have to talk to someone if you don’t want to. Yes it’s sad if the elderly gentleman was lonely but it’s not your responsibility to give him company. The people commenting were rude and sexist.

And @Cherchezlafemme77 needs to get a life!

Oh this has happened to me!

I'm usually very chatty and love having conversations with strangers etc but since having children any alone time I have, I generally need it for headspace/think/peace.

At the dentist yesterday I just wanted to have some time to think in the waiting room yet this man in his 50s just wanted to talk talk talk. I talked to him but I was annoyed at myself for wasting my time lol. In the second round waiting room after my aesthetic I just said "look I'm numb I don't want to talk" and then he muttered how rude I was

We don't fucking owe people conversation and tbh I'm angry on your behalf.

Unnecessary. Lambast OP's fairly benign behaviour as 'mean', all the while not showing a trace of irony that you're being disproportionally meaner yourself. AIBU, eh?

Bad migraines make you completely insensible. I don't (thankfully) suffer with this affliction myself, but they are a blight on my closest friend's life. I know that, when I don't hear from her for a few days at a stretch, 9x out of 10 this is the reason.

Women don't owe strangers conversation - not even old, vulnerable ones who are keen to connect with anyone they run across. And when they persist in foisting that conversation on someone who clearly isn't interested, they are not owed politeness, and certainly not an explanation of someone else's medical circumstances.

The only rude people in this story are the fellow-passengers vocally disapproving of a stranger's behaviour in their hearing. It was precisely none of their business.

OP, YANBU.

He would never have said that if you were a man. Its always men who say this garabge to women.

That can’t possibly have happened- you must have embellished it!!! (According to some posters 😉)

seriously though, sorry it happened to you too. It’s so frustrating isn’t it!

Feel free to i g n o r e my posts 😊

I know what it's like to have a migraine and I wouldn't want to talk to anyone either. I just don't think I could. It would be bad enough to be upright on the bus. You weren't rude. It's not reasonable to expect the person sitting next to you to be up for conversation. Sure, you can hope they are but, if they aren't, that's the luck of the draw. For all he knew you were going to a funeral traveling long haul bus and just not in the mood. Also, I care for people all day every day so, if I get a chance to sit on the bus and only have to worry about myself, I'm taking it unless I want to talk.

All right chill yer tits!

Regardless of how sick she was or how lonely he was you don't owe random strangers your time or chat. I hate getting on transport and having to make endless chit chat with people like that: sorry he's lonely but it's not my problem and I want to just sit in peace. I do enough mindless chat with people in work I don't owe it to everyone its exhausting. Some people just don't want it and find it uncomfortable.

If anything the man was being rude because why would you keep talking endlessly to someone who clearly doesn't want to talk to you, leave strangers alone they don't owe you anything.

Think of it this way OP- if this bloke was so deaf he couldnt hear you tell him you were ill, then he wouldnt of actually been able to have a mutual conversation with you anyway which means he just wanted to talk at you. Thats rude and not conversational at all. Talking at someone is not a conversation, its just someone offloading all their mental crap on to you.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. He was the rude one.

This

Why are people saying OP was rude to him? She replied to him for ages despite a headache.

It's just plain sexism, I doubt this man would have been as persistent in talking if OP was a man.

Women are expected to put themselves last and make others happy, especially men.

OP, you did nothing wrong. I wish for your own sake you had just shut him off from the outset, but don't beat up yourself over it and don't let us beat you over it either.