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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel guilty, I was rude on the bus

218 replies

Buzzybee4 · 09/06/2023 07:38

I know I can’t change it now and it’s over with but I’m a massive overthinks/worrier and I can’t shake off how guilty I feel!

I got a bus from basically one end of the country to the other. london to edinburgh. It was about 10 hours if I remember correctly. I’m not usually travel sick however I had a horrific migraine yesterday and felt awful with it. It was one of those headaches where everything was spinning and I felt so nauseous. But I had to get on the bus anyway as shit as I felt because I had to get back up to Edinburgh and it was the last bus

i had booked in advance and was praying for a seat without anyone beside me so I could stretch out a bit and sleep/cry/rock back and forth with the pain. However the bus was full and I ended up beside an older gentlemen (80s or possibly older i would say). Absolutely fine I understand I’ll have to sit next to someone, I still intended to sleep because I felt so rubbish.

however the man was obviously lonely and wanted to talk. He was absolutely lovely and was just trying to make general chit chat and tell me about his grandkids (he was so proud of them it was lovely) and to ask me general chit chat things. I felt awful because he was being so kind and he was clearly lonely but I wasn’t up for chatting. I was only really answering with 1 word answers and i was still being polite to him but it was clear I didn’t want to talk. Under my sunglasses I was crying because I felt so ill (he couldn’t see that though) eventually I fell asleep and woke up about an hour later still feeling rubbish. Again, he tried to make pleasant conversation with me. He honestly seemed delighted to have someone to talk to, not in a bad way just in a lonely way. But again in was polite but very short and not interested in talking. It was like this for the whole journey.

as I was getting off in Edinburgh I heard a few people chatting about how rude I was and I couldn’t even be bothered to talk to that man for more than 10 seconds and he was just being polite and is clearly lonely and how rude and selfish some people are (me) not to even chat for 2 minutes

I feel so bad about it now, what if he was lonely and doesn’t get to chat to many people and I’ve completely shut him down. He was so friendly and nice and looked a bit deflated when I wasn’t interested in talking to him and I feel so guilty about it all now

sounds silly and dramatic but I’m an over thinker and can’t shake off the guilt about it, especially after overhearing those other people too

OP posts:
Gamechanger82 · 09/06/2023 08:31

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BreviloquentBastard · 09/06/2023 08:33

justanothermanicmonday1 · 09/06/2023 08:08

This.

If you actually spoke up, you wouldn’t be feeling this guilty. You made the situation awkward for no reasons.

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I think the man talking at her for ten hours was probably the one who made it awkward.

Original poster
Buzzybee4 · 09/06/2023 08:35

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Oh ok, it wouldn’t have to happen in the first place if people followed the correct channels ie reporting to MN rather than brazenly calling people liars

OP posts:
Gamechanger82 · 09/06/2023 08:37

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Cherchezlafemme77 · 09/06/2023 08:38

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mcmooberry · 09/06/2023 08:39

I've changed my vote after reading all your posts, the thought of trying to make conversation with him all that way while feeling unwell has actually given me the start of a migraine. You feel guilty because you wouldn't normally be so.rude or unkind and it must have been embarrassing for the other passengers to notice and comment, but they didn't have the full story.

I might have been inclined to practically SHOUT that I had a migraine so he definitely heard and understood though and hopefully the surrounding passengers would have then been more sympathetic.

Original poster
Buzzybee4 · 09/06/2023 08:39

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Yeah I will because other posters have given me lots of good advice 😊

im still intrigued as to what I’ve posted that made you say I was being one of those posters who denys being UR after everyone says they are. Especially since nobody has said I’m being UR and I haven’t denied it. And I’ve agreed with posters who said I need to be more assertive etc. oh well, I guess I’ll never know 😉

OP posts:
TheUsualChaos · 09/06/2023 08:40

I think people on the bus and yourself were making assumptions about the gentleman being lonely. How do you know that? Very common for that generation to make conversation with someone. Would someone think you were lonely if you were chatty on a bus?

You are definitely overthinking it though. I was expecting you to say you'd eventually snapped at him but you didn't, you were just quiet. As others have said though, it might have been good to say sorry I'm not feeling well to explain that it was nothing personal. But it's done now and I expect he is happy with his family and not giving it a second thought!

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 09/06/2023 08:40

The other view point on this is that he rudely talked at you for the better part of 10 hours despite it being clear you didn't want to talk.

ThePlasticScouser · 09/06/2023 08:40

Ignore those saying you were rude etc.

OP, you've been caught out on a long journey, and need to learn the lesson. I've been there, done that myself on long journeys via coach, train and plane. Once, a middle aged married man sat next to me on a train and hassled me the whole way (3 hours) and got very shirty when I said I didn't want to go for a drink with him when we got off. Now that I am older, I realise that I have the right to do what I want, politely, and it is not selfish. I've learnt now to be super polite and ask for/ state what I want.

So, next time you go on a long journey take an eye mask, and some ear plugs and something you can put over yourself like a cardigan. If someone sits next to you and it looks like they are going to chat for ages, give a massive smile and say "It's nice to meet you. I'm absolutely exhausted/ not feeling well/ got a migraine and need to get my head down for some sleep. Hope I don't disturb you". Smile again, pop in the ear plugs and eye mask and sit back. If you are awake later, get open your book and say you have to do your work/ homework etc. There is no way that can come across as rude.

Also, if a bus/ train is not busy, leave the window seat empty, not the aisle seat as that lessens the chance of someone sitting next to you if there are other free seats.

Gamechanger82 · 09/06/2023 08:40

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Original poster
Buzzybee4 · 09/06/2023 08:41

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yeah, embellish means to add things to a story that are not true. ie, that’s what lying means.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 09/06/2023 08:41

BreviloquentBastard · 09/06/2023 08:33

I think the man talking at her for ten hours was probably the one who made it awkward.

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Well this really. 10 hours of chat no thank you !

Bananarepublic · 09/06/2023 08:41

Cherchezlafemme77 · 09/06/2023 08:23

Deary me.

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No dreary you.

Obviously on a wind up. Really tedious.

Original poster
Buzzybee4 · 09/06/2023 08:42

TheUsualChaos · 09/06/2023 08:40

I think people on the bus and yourself were making assumptions about the gentleman being lonely. How do you know that? Very common for that generation to make conversation with someone. Would someone think you were lonely if you were chatty on a bus?

You are definitely overthinking it though. I was expecting you to say you'd eventually snapped at him but you didn't, you were just quiet. As others have said though, it might have been good to say sorry I'm not feeling well to explain that it was nothing personal. But it's done now and I expect he is happy with his family and not giving it a second thought!

Good point actually about making assumptions! I suppose I’m actually being insulting and possibly ageist (?) by assuming he must be lonely and being a bit patronising towards him because he’s older. I hadnt thought about it like that but it makes total sense actually!

OP posts:
NotQuiteHere · 09/06/2023 08:43

You took the bus to move from one point to another, not to chat to a random person. I personally wouldn't want to talk to anyone even without the migraine. When two people on the bus talk, 10 - 20 people around could hear, and why do they have to listen to the conversation?

Original poster
Buzzybee4 · 09/06/2023 08:44

ThePlasticScouser · 09/06/2023 08:40

Ignore those saying you were rude etc.

OP, you've been caught out on a long journey, and need to learn the lesson. I've been there, done that myself on long journeys via coach, train and plane. Once, a middle aged married man sat next to me on a train and hassled me the whole way (3 hours) and got very shirty when I said I didn't want to go for a drink with him when we got off. Now that I am older, I realise that I have the right to do what I want, politely, and it is not selfish. I've learnt now to be super polite and ask for/ state what I want.

So, next time you go on a long journey take an eye mask, and some ear plugs and something you can put over yourself like a cardigan. If someone sits next to you and it looks like they are going to chat for ages, give a massive smile and say "It's nice to meet you. I'm absolutely exhausted/ not feeling well/ got a migraine and need to get my head down for some sleep. Hope I don't disturb you". Smile again, pop in the ear plugs and eye mask and sit back. If you are awake later, get open your book and say you have to do your work/ homework etc. There is no way that can come across as rude.

Also, if a bus/ train is not busy, leave the window seat empty, not the aisle seat as that lessens the chance of someone sitting next to you if there are other free seats.

Saving your post for my next long bus commute!!! Thank you for all the tips, I’ll be following your advice next time I travel (hopefully minus the migraine!)

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 09/06/2023 08:44

RedHelenB · 09/06/2023 07:41

This is a classic case of needing to speak up. I'm sorry, I m not being rude but I've got a banging headache amd I'm going to try and get some sleep."

Exactly this.

JandalsAlways · 09/06/2023 08:45

It's done now. I would feel horrible about it too. I doubt it will happen again, but you would have been better off to tell him you weren't feeling well and needed to rest

realitytransurfing · 09/06/2023 08:47

littleripper · 09/06/2023 07:50

It's really unfair that women are expected to take on the care of anyone and everyone who sits near them. Yes, it would have been nice to spend your 10 hour journey looking after this man, but it is not rude not to for any reason at all. I would say he, and the nosy idiots calling you rude were the rude and very ignorant ones, not noticing you were crying! I hope you feel better now.

I agree with this. Noone ever berates men for not taking responsibility for the loneliness of elderly women. Yes, its nice to chat to someone who is lonely if you feel up to it but you didnt. It doesnt matter if he was lonely, he should have respected your need for space- it doesnt take a genius to see that someone isnt feeling well- their body language usually offers many clues.

You are not responsible for the loneliness of others OP- if that bothers other people, nothing is stopping them from chatting to him is it? if they were so upset by it, why didnt they ask to swap seats with you to chat to him instead? funny that they never do though isnt it? its always someone else's responsibility and always a woman. Fck that.

Gamechanger82 · 09/06/2023 08:47

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Bananarepublic · 09/06/2023 08:47

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 09/06/2023 08:40

The other view point on this is that he rudely talked at you for the better part of 10 hours despite it being clear you didn't want to talk.

Yep, this. It always seems to be younger women that these 'lonely old men' engage in unwanted conversation. Never Barry the bodybuilder.

He was rude OP and you're fine.

Cherchezlafemme77 · 09/06/2023 08:47

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stingypeasant · 09/06/2023 08:48

@Cherchezlafemme77 do you prowl MN to just invalidate peoples posts? That's just WEIRD. It misses the entire premise of a discussion forum. 'Yeah I don't believe you'. Well bog off then. You don't understand how this thing works.

'My dh hit me...' @Cherchezlafemme77 'I don't believe you
'My neighbours throw their rubbish in my garden'
@Cherchezlafemme77 'photos or it didn't happen.

What is the point?

Original poster
Buzzybee4 · 09/06/2023 08:48

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Send me a PM and I’ll happily provide links to my other threads 😊 0 arguments, but then there was also 0 nasty commenters.

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