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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feel guilty, I was rude on the bus

218 replies

Buzzybee4 · 09/06/2023 07:38

I know I can’t change it now and it’s over with but I’m a massive overthinks/worrier and I can’t shake off how guilty I feel!

I got a bus from basically one end of the country to the other. london to edinburgh. It was about 10 hours if I remember correctly. I’m not usually travel sick however I had a horrific migraine yesterday and felt awful with it. It was one of those headaches where everything was spinning and I felt so nauseous. But I had to get on the bus anyway as shit as I felt because I had to get back up to Edinburgh and it was the last bus

i had booked in advance and was praying for a seat without anyone beside me so I could stretch out a bit and sleep/cry/rock back and forth with the pain. However the bus was full and I ended up beside an older gentlemen (80s or possibly older i would say). Absolutely fine I understand I’ll have to sit next to someone, I still intended to sleep because I felt so rubbish.

however the man was obviously lonely and wanted to talk. He was absolutely lovely and was just trying to make general chit chat and tell me about his grandkids (he was so proud of them it was lovely) and to ask me general chit chat things. I felt awful because he was being so kind and he was clearly lonely but I wasn’t up for chatting. I was only really answering with 1 word answers and i was still being polite to him but it was clear I didn’t want to talk. Under my sunglasses I was crying because I felt so ill (he couldn’t see that though) eventually I fell asleep and woke up about an hour later still feeling rubbish. Again, he tried to make pleasant conversation with me. He honestly seemed delighted to have someone to talk to, not in a bad way just in a lonely way. But again in was polite but very short and not interested in talking. It was like this for the whole journey.

as I was getting off in Edinburgh I heard a few people chatting about how rude I was and I couldn’t even be bothered to talk to that man for more than 10 seconds and he was just being polite and is clearly lonely and how rude and selfish some people are (me) not to even chat for 2 minutes

I feel so bad about it now, what if he was lonely and doesn’t get to chat to many people and I’ve completely shut him down. He was so friendly and nice and looked a bit deflated when I wasn’t interested in talking to him and I feel so guilty about it all now

sounds silly and dramatic but I’m an over thinker and can’t shake off the guilt about it, especially after overhearing those other people too

OP posts:
SweetBirdsong · 09/06/2023 10:18

snitzelvoncrumb · 09/06/2023 07:41

You were in pain. You don’t owe anyone a conversation. The only thing you did wrong was not to tell the people talking about you to fuck off.

This ^ in a nutshell!

@Buzzybee4 You don't need to feel bad. This man may have been lonely and wanted to talk. But it's not YOUR JOB to be his fucking companion. Why oh WHY is this shit always put on women?! To be kind and be friendly, and be nice. WHY is it always assumed we owe someone a conversation? NO-ONE would have slated a MAN for not speaking too much to this gentleman.

Fucking hell. Angry I am livid on your behalf. How dare these randoms slate you for not being all chatty and cheery with this man for ten hours?! And why did THEY not come chat to him if they were that bothered about the man being supposedly snubbed by you?! Hmm You told him you weren't well and he STILL kept chatting. If anything, HE was a bit rude!

Original poster
Buzzybee4 · 09/06/2023 10:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

That doesn’t answer the question but ok sure, good try. I’ll PM some over right now 👍🏻 not sure why you’re so interested (and yes, you were interested before I offered to send them) but weird but ok!

OP posts:
WisherWood · 09/06/2023 10:24

I did tell him that I wasn’t well but he was deaf on the side I was sitting at and genuinely couldn’t hear me and I didn’t want to shout it for the entire coach to hear

So he was deliberately starting a conversation with someone on his deaf side? He didn't want a conversation, just a sounding board. Presumably there was someone across the aisle he could have chatted to. Or were they male and therefore not socially obliged to be nice to random people? Because as per PP, I think this is one of those situations where you can ask, what would a man do? Would they feel obliged to talk? Would they feel guilty if they didn't? In all probability no. It's nice to talk if that's what you want to do but you're not under an obligation to this person.

Æthelred · 09/06/2023 10:27

SerafinasGoose · 09/06/2023 10:09

I never, ever, board any form of public transport these days without noise-cancelling earphones.

This thread is a pertinent reminder as to why.

They're amazing, aren't they? The moment you flick the 'on' switch, you're instantly in a soothing bubble. I wear them on trains even when I'm not listening to music.

Summerfun2023 · 09/06/2023 10:30

TheDuck2018 · 09/06/2023 07:43

Why didn't you just politely tell him how ill you were feeling? That would have been the sensible thing to do, ....instead, you've come across as really rude, and pretty mean too, aswell as leaving the old man feeling rubbish. Nice work!

Has everyone lost their empathy she was sick but that doesn't mean you have to tell your business to every Tom, Dick and Harry. She did her best no need to rub salt in it do you get a kick out of kicking others when they are down?

JudgeJ · 09/06/2023 10:31

Readyplayerthr33 · 09/06/2023 07:48

I had this exact thing while suffering a miscarriage. I still had to get on the train from London to Glasgow, so I sat in the quiet carriage and this older woman just would not shut up.

I was much ruder than you because I told her to stop talking and leave me alone.

If a person tries to start up a conversation with a stranger on a train, bus but gets no response I think it's very rude of them to continue rather than taking the hint. On a 9 hour flight, a woman next to my OH started to talk to us, she wanted to practice her English apparently and she talked for almost the whole flight, I feigned sleep, but my late OH was a sucker!

MNHQ
HebeMumsnet · 09/06/2023 10:31

Morning, everyone. Just a reminder that troll hunting is against our Talk guidelines. If you think someone is not genuine, please just report the post and let us look into it rather than accuse people on a thread. It usually just ends up with a thread being derailed, as it has done here. Thank you.

Imnoexpert · 09/06/2023 10:38

I wouldn't have worried or made a big deal of it. Id have said I'm so sorry. Id normally love to talk and I'm not being rude but I've a shocking migraine and I'm really not fit to talk. I'm going to try to sleep it off. If you can would you please wake me 15 mins before we get to Edinburgh station?

Abhannmor · 09/06/2023 10:44

Since he was chatting away did you find out if he is from Edinburgh or its environs ?
Maybe you could put something in a local FB page or website.

To the gentleman on X bus from London etc etc.
You never know. Sorry if its been posted before

Summerfun2023 · 09/06/2023 10:52

@Buzzybee4 Do not give @Gamechanger82 your name she doesn't come across well she sounds like a stalker.

Gamechanger82 · 09/06/2023 10:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SerafinasGoose · 09/06/2023 10:55

Summerfun2023 · 09/06/2023 10:52

@Buzzybee4 Do not give @Gamechanger82 your name she doesn't come across well she sounds like a stalker.

I couldn't agree more. @Buzzybee4 you owe entitled, interfering strangers NOTHING - that includes strangers on the internet.

What a WEIRD thread. And this is even by AIBU standards.

What on earth is happening to this site?

Gamechanger82 · 09/06/2023 10:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Summerfun2023 · 09/06/2023 10:56

WisherWood · 09/06/2023 10:24

I did tell him that I wasn’t well but he was deaf on the side I was sitting at and genuinely couldn’t hear me and I didn’t want to shout it for the entire coach to hear

So he was deliberately starting a conversation with someone on his deaf side? He didn't want a conversation, just a sounding board. Presumably there was someone across the aisle he could have chatted to. Or were they male and therefore not socially obliged to be nice to random people? Because as per PP, I think this is one of those situations where you can ask, what would a man do? Would they feel obliged to talk? Would they feel guilty if they didn't? In all probability no. It's nice to talk if that's what you want to do but you're not under an obligation to this person.

I am deaf in my left ear and I can't hear a thing. I would have to end a conversation very quickly if I couldn't hear the other person. I find it irritating it's not the other person's fault it's more frustration on my part.

poppy593 · 09/06/2023 10:58

I think he was the rude one to be honest. If a 30 year old woman was next to you and tapping about her kids for hours everyone would think she was irritating. I know some elderly people may be suffering from dementia or similar which means you have to make allowances, but I really think in this situation you should have just told him you don't want to chat.

Original poster
Buzzybee4 · 09/06/2023 11:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Wtf did you want me to show you? You said you would be interested as to what my previous threads were like to see if I was argumentative. So I sent you 2 examples which showed I’m not. Then suddenly you had an issue with me namechanging. And after you called me a serial name changer over PM i explained that the reason I NC with each thread is because of a restraining order I have against someone and can’t risk small details being linked. Not that there’s a problem with that because it’s not against MN rules to NC, but I explained this to you over PM so not sure why you had to bring up the fact I’ve NC when you know the reasoning why. Honesty, you sound pretty unhinged and weird about this all. It’s ok just to admit you were wrong and leave it.

OP posts:
Simianwalk · 09/06/2023 11:07

fruitbrewhaha · 09/06/2023 07:43

I cannot fathom why you didn’t just say “sorry I’m unwell with a migraine and need to try and sleep”. He would have left you alone and you wouldn’t be feeling paranoid now.

That's quite a rude way of putting it. I can't fathom why you can't understand that somebody who suffers from anxiety was struggled to speak out.

Summerfun2023 · 09/06/2023 11:08

@Buzzybee4 I don't think you need to worry about that poster coming back I don't think she can get back in.

stingypeasant · 09/06/2023 11:08

@Buzzybee4 STOOOOPPPPP engaging with @@Gamechanger82 Like the other troll on here they are not going to be placated. What do you want them to say?

'Ahhhh see your point. You are right. I defer to your wisdom'??

THEY ARE NEVER GOING TO DO THIS!!!!

Their entire purpose of existence is to rile. Just don't waste your energy please. We can all see them for west they are. You don't need to defend yourself. They make themselves look more troll-like with every post

SweetBirdsong · 09/06/2023 11:09

Agree with others @Buzzybee4 Stop engaging with the troll hunters. They are derailing your thread. Stop letting them. Flowers

RoseGoldEagle · 09/06/2023 11:10

Not giving headspace to a stranger’s opinion on you is honestly a life changing skill. Obviously I don’t mean it’s ok to be rude to people, but if you know you acted in a perfectly appropriate way, and someone has something negative to say about it, you just have to be able to kindly acknowledge they’re entitled to their opinion, but their opinion is entirely meaningless to you, and you just never need to think of them again. In this case, it sounds a bit like their comments have hit a nerve and you felt you weren’t that nice to him- but honestly, your feelings and needs are just as important as this man’s, and aside from being polite (which you were), you were under no obligation to talk to him.

SweetBirdsong · 09/06/2023 11:10

Also @Buzzybee4 do NOT send any PMs to anyone with anything!!!

Lacucuracha · 09/06/2023 11:12

Buzzybee4 · 09/06/2023 11:02

Wtf did you want me to show you? You said you would be interested as to what my previous threads were like to see if I was argumentative. So I sent you 2 examples which showed I’m not. Then suddenly you had an issue with me namechanging. And after you called me a serial name changer over PM i explained that the reason I NC with each thread is because of a restraining order I have against someone and can’t risk small details being linked. Not that there’s a problem with that because it’s not against MN rules to NC, but I explained this to you over PM so not sure why you had to bring up the fact I’ve NC when you know the reasoning why. Honesty, you sound pretty unhinged and weird about this all. It’s ok just to admit you were wrong and leave it.

Show quote history

Don’t worry, I and others are reporting all the troll hunters.

I doubt they’ll be back as ‘I’m going to work now’ is code for ‘OP has too much support for me to keep up the bullying’.

FictionalCharacter · 09/06/2023 11:29

You weren't rude to him. Most people, if they try to talk to you and you don't respond much, understand that you don't want conversation and leave you alone. It's one of those social cues. This man persisted, which is quite rude in my view.

Where's the evidence that he's lonely? You don't know that at all. Old doesn't equal lonely. Some people just like to chat to strangers. And older men often want to chat to women. None of us are obliged to have a conversation with them if we don't want to for any reason.

FictionalCharacter · 09/06/2023 11:35

Not giving headspace to a stranger’s opinion on you is honestly a life changing skill
Very true @RoseGoldEagle . If a random stranger is annoyed because they think we didn't give another random stranger the attention they wanted, that's not our problem.