Feel guilty, I was rude on the bus

[Buzzybee4]

I know I can’t change it now and it’s over with but I’m a massive overthinks/worrier and I can’t shake off how guilty I feel!

I got a bus from basically one end of the country to the other. london to edinburgh. It was about 10 hours if I remember correctly. I’m not usually travel sick however I had a horrific migraine yesterday and felt awful with it. It was one of those headaches where everything was spinning and I felt so nauseous. But I had to get on the bus anyway as shit as I felt because I had to get back up to Edinburgh and it was the last bus

i had booked in advance and was praying for a seat without anyone beside me so I could stretch out a bit and sleep/cry/rock back and forth with the pain. However the bus was full and I ended up beside an older gentlemen (80s or possibly older i would say). Absolutely fine I understand I’ll have to sit next to someone, I still intended to sleep because I felt so rubbish.

however the man was obviously lonely and wanted to talk. He was absolutely lovely and was just trying to make general chit chat and tell me about his grandkids (he was so proud of them it was lovely) and to ask me general chit chat things. I felt awful because he was being so kind and he was clearly lonely but I wasn’t up for chatting. I was only really answering with 1 word answers and i was still being polite to him but it was clear I didn’t want to talk. Under my sunglasses I was crying because I felt so ill (he couldn’t see that though) eventually I fell asleep and woke up about an hour later still feeling rubbish. Again, he tried to make pleasant conversation with me. He honestly seemed delighted to have someone to talk to, not in a bad way just in a lonely way. But again in was polite but very short and not interested in talking. It was like this for the whole journey.

as I was getting off in Edinburgh I heard a few people chatting about how rude I was and I couldn’t even be bothered to talk to that man for more than 10 seconds and he was just being polite and is clearly lonely and how rude and selfish some people are (me) not to even chat for 2 minutes

I feel so bad about it now, what if he was lonely and doesn’t get to chat to many people and I’ve completely shut him down. He was so friendly and nice and looked a bit deflated when I wasn’t interested in talking to him and I feel so guilty about it all now

sounds silly and dramatic but I’m an over thinker and can’t shake off the guilt about it, especially after overhearing those other people too

This! It would have taken you 10 seconds to say this and he would have respected this answer. There's nothing you can do about it now so just move on x

I get terrible migraines and no way would i I be able to hold a conversion. Don’t feel guilty, you did nothing wrong. You don’t owe anyone conversion, the people commenting were the rude ones.

This is a good point. Women are not responsible for any strange mens’ feelings - no matter what age they are.

Let it go OP. Hope your migraine is better now. Migraines are torture.

Because you’re the only one interested in it, which is weird in itself but I’m happy to oblige.

why not just answer my previous question btw? Interesting that I’ve asked twice and mentioned it several times and you’ve avoided it each time.

Oh, OP, you poor love. You weren't well. He should have picked that up. You don't owe anyone ten hours of conversation, however nice they are. Try not to beat yourself up because other people are so judgemental.

Thank you (and everyone else) I don’t feel so guilty about it anymore. Im just glad it’s over. I have never been so happy to get back home to Edinburgh!

But not this.

Sorry I just saw your post when you said you did tell him but he didn’t hear well, so for future ref the thing to have done would be to pat him on the shoulder and sat v loudly - I’m very sorry, I am really unwell and just have to sleep’ several times if necs.

Beyond that don’t worry about it, life is full of misunderstandings and you will be unhappy if your happiness is based on what other people think of you.

Oh, you poor soul op. You were in pain. You did nothing wrong. Ideally it would have been best to politely explain your situation to him. But then there is no guarantee that would have worked.

I was in the sauna of my gym once and a man (of around 60) was very very persistently chatting to me and asking me questions about my life. I responded in the normal chit-chat way at first, but when he continued for a long time (and asked in depth questions that seemed too intrusive), I shortened my replies to one-word answers as far as possible. I found this REALLY hard to do because I am a people pleaser. But even that didn't work and I was beginning to feel really stressed and intruded on. There was something harsh and tone-deaf about his questioning.

In the politest possible way (mindful of the fact that some people are just less able than others to read social responses) I eventually said to him something like "I'm really sorry, but I needed to come to the sauna for some quiet time and I'd like to stop chatting now". The conversation ended. But a couple of mins later, when he got up to leave, he said something like: "You are so cold, so rude to talk to me like that and I PITY YOUR FAMILY!!!

WTF! By that time there were people in the sauna who hadn't heard his interrogation, or my eventual response. and I was cringing at the thought of what they might imagine me to have said.

He was an intelligent and capable man that I have seen around a lot and , although of course he might well have had a hidden deficit, my overwhelming impression was that he was just doing some interrogative equivalent of mansplaining - 'manterrogating' perhaps. In other words he was an entitled bastard who thought I was there to serve him socially.

Stop worrying about this and overthinking him. It sounds to me like the 'nice' old man wasn't reading the situation very well and wasn't giving any thought to you or the ques you were giving off that you were not there for conversation with him.

He may not have been lonely, he may have been an annoying nuisance who randomly chats at anyone who will listen.

Absolutely this, @Buzzybee4.

Absolutely sick of the claim on women to be kind and polite to strangers even if this encroaches on their own personal wellbeing or comfort.

Don't you dare to feel bad. Ignore the rude strangers, both on and off the internet, who seem to think females exist as service and support vessels to men.

@Random789 To me, this sounds like he obviously fancied you and was pissed that he wasnt getting anywhere.

You're a bully, poking someone in the eye and saying what does it matter if I poke you in the eye.

I mean if he couldn't hear anything anyway maybe he thought you were talking back to him 🤷‍♀️

👏👏

Women being told they are rude to men as if they owe strangers their time is ridiculous !

It's NOYB.

Link your own threads first.

Funny how these are the only replies to you that you lost track of 😉

When I was a moody teenager an old lady tried to make conversation with me at a bus stop and I was quite rude to her and walked off. I still feel bad about it now! And I'm 42 but we're all human and unfortunately these things happen. I'd love to see that lady again and apologise

How do you know he'd have respected this answer?

IME, men who persist in claiming women's time and attention by right are usually impervious to polite rebuttal.

OP owed this stranger precisely nothing.

It's not rude to tell someone to leave you alone. It's honest and there's nothing wrong with it. More people should be honest. Polite but firm.

Oh OP my migraines are horrendous but I would’ve chatted to him.

What difference would it have made to your migraine? It might have helped, it would’ve been a distraction. I would’ve told him I have a migraine so not feeling great and I might lose track if what I’m saying (I get that with my migraines, fuzzy thinking).

Migraines are the work of the devil but loneliness can be too.

I’ve had many lovely conversations like that. I was sat on a commuter train from St Pancreas and an elderly woman from up North sat opposite me (6 seats together) straight away said hello to everyone and the other 4 commuters looked at her and ignored her. I said hello back. We then chatted for an hour and by the time I got off I knew so much about her and wished her a lovely stay with her daughter and new grandchild.

I’m a huge advocate for giving people time if you have it, a friendly chat can make a difference to someone’s day.

You can’t change events in the past but you can decide to do things differently in the future.

You don’t owe anyone conversation at all , just because he was elderly doesn’t mean he’s some gentle little man he imposed his conversation on you when you made it clear you were ill and continued to talk at you .

@Buzzybee4 yanbu at all you don’t owe anyone a conversation, imo he was being rude in the first place! and if the people who bitched about you were that bothered they could have offered to switch seats and chatted to him all the live long day! Don’t give it another thought. Your journey sounds awful.

Honestly, small talk with strangers is my idea of hell. It always seems to happen to me on long journeys. I like to use the time to think, look out the window, read etc …. I don’t feel the need to constantly chat. Why others do is beyond me.

This.
I recently sat next to a woman on a 5 hour train ride LKX to Edinburgh.
I was window seat, she sat next to me so I had to move my bag out of footwell & asked her if she'd mind swinging it up next to hers (she'd just swung hers up)
I asked as I am physically disabled & it would have been difficult to do it myself.
It was mobbed, with drunk football supporters filling the aisles.
Horrible. We rolled eyes in sympathy at each other. I think I said a couple of lines about it. She offered me one of her sweets. I may have said one or two more things during the journey. At the end I asked if she could swap seats so I could sort my luggage & crutches out well in advance of getting off. She didn't really respond & I wondered if she was being unhelpful or if I'd pissed her off with earlier chat. Then she showed me a plastic credit style card which said she'd had a stroke & communications were difficult. I felt awful & apologised which embarrassed her. You can never tell. I've worried since back but it's over now.