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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Health visitor has made me feel shit

342 replies

elm26 · 07/06/2023 20:18

Health visitor came and all she did is criticise.

2.5 week old baby is having too much formula (4oz every 3.5-4 hours) she's hungry and I'm not going to deny her it. I should be waking her every 2 and giving her 2oz apparently. She scared the life out of me saying if I let her sleep for 3-4 hours, she could go into a deep sleep and never come out of it (cot death).

She doesn't like the play mat that we have for her (just one of those soft ones with toys above) as we have a spaniel and apparently she should never be on the floor as we have a dog including for dog hair reasons. Spaniel is 8 years old, not boisterous, we NEVER leave them in the same room together, if she's on her mat one of us sits right next to her so dog can have a sniff of her head then he wanders off to lay down. They are ALWAYS supervised. I would never want any harm to come to her and it's also my responsibility as a dog owner to make sure he's calm and not stressed too. We've kept his routine the same, I put baby in sling and walk for an hour every morning and then DH takes him out for a further 30 minutes in evening. He seems happy and settled, no jealousy or warning signs.

The dog hair, what can I do? I literally Hoover every single day (1 bed flat so only takes 5 mins max), my flat is clean (I actually have OCD), I hate clutter, my DH has been great and we've been keeping on top of everything so it's not like she walked into a state, I'm proud of my home.

She doesn't like that we use the perfect prep machine for the bottles. I explained I can't breastfeed as at first she wouldn't latch despite numerous attempts and help from midwives and secondly my milk dried up so quickly. She was a tiny 5lb 15oz when she was born because my placenta stopped working and she stopped growing. I already feel guilty enough about this and honestly, enough was enough and I chucked in the towel and moved her to Aptamil to get some food into her. She is now 1lb over her birth weight and midwives say she is thriving. HV thinks we should be using the boiling water method.

Apparently I shouldn't have a Moses basket mattress protector under the Moses basket sheet. It's not padded or thick or anything like that, it's super thin and from Mamas and Papas for Moses baskets, surely they wouldn't sell if not safe?

She doesn't like how I held her, on my chest with her head tucked to one side. I do this as skin to skin for a couple of hours a night to make her feel secure and close. She said it's dangerous in case I fall asleep. I do this around 7pm with DH in the room with me.

I just feel like utter shit now. I had 13 miscarriages, this little girl is my whole world and my DH and I have felt on top of the world since having her and really thought we were doing a great job as a team. Obviously I'm never going to know it all and I'm also a first time Mum.

I've suffered horrifically with depression and anxiety in the past including inpatient treatment in a psychiatric hospital after my 13th miscarriage for severe depression and grief.

I was so proud of myself and DH for having this content baby who's put on weight, seems super healthy and we love her so much. I've booked in to start a baby massage/yoga/first aid and music class with her starting in a couple of weeks and now I'm dreading it in case others judge me.

I'm dreading her coming back 😢

OP posts:
Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 07/06/2023 20:20

She's talking crap. Nod and smile and get her out as soon as possible.

Sounds like you're doing a great job.

I was so relieved when we were past the age of health visitors, many of whom have never had their own children.

dementedpixie · 07/06/2023 20:21

She sounds awful
I'd request a different one tbh
You cant put a baby on a diet so feed your baby when she is hungry and let her have the amount she wants.
Did she have anything positive to say at all?

Mynotsoperfectlittlefamily · 07/06/2023 20:21

Tell her not to come back. Some health visitors can be so damaging. Your child is content and healthy and you have a happy family home with a good routine. Her opinion does not matter. After a truly idiotic HV with my 3rd child I said enough and banned them from coming round.

volcanoroll · 07/06/2023 20:22

I swear it's their job to make you feel crap tbh

PuntasticUsername · 07/06/2023 20:22

Christ. I'm sure they mean well, but I have no idea how some of these folk manage to misread situations and communicate so badly. It sounds as if you're doing great, enjoy your lovely baby!

CastleTower · 07/06/2023 20:22

To be honest, everything you're doing sounds fine, and pretty normal. You definitely don't need to wake a baby every 2 hours under any normal circumstances!

Sometimes with health visitors you just need to nod and smile and then do things your way. They can be good for advice and support, but at the end of the day you are the parent. You get to decide (within reason and while being safe - and everything you describe sounds like it's in that category.)

You can refuse further visits if you want - they are not compulsory. (You might decide, on balance, it's useful. But just so you know.)

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 07/06/2023 20:23

Just be out. Have 'an emergency' that clashes with the next appointment and don't rebook. Health visitors aren't compulsory, whatever they like to think...

Curtains70 · 07/06/2023 20:24

She is full of shit, tell her not to bother coming again.

As to the formula I fed mine the exact same amount as you and used a perfect prep.

I can't completely remember but I would imagine I had a mattress protector as well.

My HV was not like this at all, sounds like you have an awful one.

You are doing an amazing job!!! Fuck her

Readyplayerthr33 · 07/06/2023 20:24

Refuse all further visits. She sounds like an idiot. Most of them really are.

Toddler101 · 07/06/2023 20:26

You can opt out of the health visitor service. They're shite.

smileyplant · 07/06/2023 20:26

Gosh she sounds terrible! I did absolutely everything you're doing and my son is fine! As did all my friends whose babies are also fine. I'd ignore every single comment of hers and request a different health visitor! You are doing an awesome job!

ejbaxa · 07/06/2023 20:26

She sounds like a total bitch.

Cancel any further visits that are booked.

FASDE1517 · 07/06/2023 20:26

Don't let this one back and feedback how she's made you feel.
Some are amazingly helpful - some are awful. One told me that I should never ever take a baby to a supermarket as the lights are too bright and they wouldn't benefit developmentally from it. As if I was going to tell my husband to do the food shop after a 15 hour day and sleepless night while I was on maternity leave and a five minute walk from the shop!

Restinggoddess · 07/06/2023 20:27

Trust yourself, your DH and your baby.

Sorry she made you feel like this - very judgmental

Enjoy being a mum and your new family

GCWorkNightmare · 07/06/2023 20:27

I don’t like the perfect prep machine but the rest sounds absolutely fine.

DD slept on me or in a hammock. Not a Moses basket. I expressed all of DD’s milk. Baby led weaned which at the time they “weren’t allowed to support”.

My HV was lovely but knew I was doing it my way. DH worked away 5.5 days a week and I had no family within 6000 miles. Weighing DD and development checks were helpful but I didn’t need advice from her.

(A HV identified early signs of autism in my nephew - he was diagnosed by 2 and play therapy has made a huge difference to him. I wouldn’t dismiss them out of hand.)

Toddler101 · 07/06/2023 20:27

Re: mattress protector, it's just a waterproof layer which is fab for the inevitable spit ups or poonamis in the cot!

ForeverYellow · 07/06/2023 20:27

I opted out after a health visitor made me feel like this. With my second I didn’t see one at at all. They are not compulsory and I felt much better without one .

elm26 · 07/06/2023 20:27

Thanks so much everyone. You've made me feel a little better that maybe I am doing a good job.

She was just so abrupt and rude and really made me feel stupid.

Anyway, here is a picture of my out of control dog, an unhappy baby and worst mother of the year 😂

Got to keep it lighthearted because I could easily sink back into depression and I do not want that at all.

Health visitor has made me feel shit
OP posts:
DeflatedAgain · 07/06/2023 20:28

Nod and smile along. You really don't have to do anything they ask. Just remember what they spoke about and pretend you've implemented it all on the next visit. Soon enough you'll see the back of them and they'll leave you alone.

You're doing amazing, don't let anyone make you think otherwise 💞

Dogsandbabies · 07/06/2023 20:28

She sounds awful. You don't have to use the service. You could complain and ask then to never send her again.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 07/06/2023 20:28

Nod, smile, don't see them again.

After DD1 I had severe post natal depression and was suicidal, and I called the HV to ask if they could refer me to support/point me towards help etc and they told me to ring back in a few days "once the phase has passed". I really thought I would die.
I had nothing to do with them after that.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2023 20:29

I'd file a complaint and tell that gobby cow to never come back. You do not ever need to allow a healthy visitor into your home, I never did. I didn't need their "help."

Please ignore her, op. You're doing just fine.

cakebytheoceon · 07/06/2023 20:29

Exactly what everyone has said! Ignore ignore ignore. Keep doing as you're doing 💗

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/06/2023 20:29

Oh that's terrible! Don't you DARE let her make you feel ere is at they are the authority on babies and actually some of them are useless. I'm not sure I would be refusing to have ANY coming to my house, if I were you, because I'd be a bit paranoid that they would be reading something wrong into that. Instead I'd call up and request another one and state exactly how she made you feel. They may have had other complaints about her.

volcanoroll · 07/06/2023 20:29

Just make sure you follow the instructions with the perfect prep - it's tempting to miss the cleaning but it's essential

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