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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Health visitor has made me feel shit

342 replies

elm26 · 07/06/2023 20:18

Health visitor came and all she did is criticise.

2.5 week old baby is having too much formula (4oz every 3.5-4 hours) she's hungry and I'm not going to deny her it. I should be waking her every 2 and giving her 2oz apparently. She scared the life out of me saying if I let her sleep for 3-4 hours, she could go into a deep sleep and never come out of it (cot death).

She doesn't like the play mat that we have for her (just one of those soft ones with toys above) as we have a spaniel and apparently she should never be on the floor as we have a dog including for dog hair reasons. Spaniel is 8 years old, not boisterous, we NEVER leave them in the same room together, if she's on her mat one of us sits right next to her so dog can have a sniff of her head then he wanders off to lay down. They are ALWAYS supervised. I would never want any harm to come to her and it's also my responsibility as a dog owner to make sure he's calm and not stressed too. We've kept his routine the same, I put baby in sling and walk for an hour every morning and then DH takes him out for a further 30 minutes in evening. He seems happy and settled, no jealousy or warning signs.

The dog hair, what can I do? I literally Hoover every single day (1 bed flat so only takes 5 mins max), my flat is clean (I actually have OCD), I hate clutter, my DH has been great and we've been keeping on top of everything so it's not like she walked into a state, I'm proud of my home.

She doesn't like that we use the perfect prep machine for the bottles. I explained I can't breastfeed as at first she wouldn't latch despite numerous attempts and help from midwives and secondly my milk dried up so quickly. She was a tiny 5lb 15oz when she was born because my placenta stopped working and she stopped growing. I already feel guilty enough about this and honestly, enough was enough and I chucked in the towel and moved her to Aptamil to get some food into her. She is now 1lb over her birth weight and midwives say she is thriving. HV thinks we should be using the boiling water method.

Apparently I shouldn't have a Moses basket mattress protector under the Moses basket sheet. It's not padded or thick or anything like that, it's super thin and from Mamas and Papas for Moses baskets, surely they wouldn't sell if not safe?

She doesn't like how I held her, on my chest with her head tucked to one side. I do this as skin to skin for a couple of hours a night to make her feel secure and close. She said it's dangerous in case I fall asleep. I do this around 7pm with DH in the room with me.

I just feel like utter shit now. I had 13 miscarriages, this little girl is my whole world and my DH and I have felt on top of the world since having her and really thought we were doing a great job as a team. Obviously I'm never going to know it all and I'm also a first time Mum.

I've suffered horrifically with depression and anxiety in the past including inpatient treatment in a psychiatric hospital after my 13th miscarriage for severe depression and grief.

I was so proud of myself and DH for having this content baby who's put on weight, seems super healthy and we love her so much. I've booked in to start a baby massage/yoga/first aid and music class with her starting in a couple of weeks and now I'm dreading it in case others judge me.

I'm dreading her coming back 😢

OP posts:
Justalittlebitduckling · 07/06/2023 20:59

This health visitor sounds terrible. Is there anyway you can have a different one?

Morechocmorechoc · 07/06/2023 21:00

You learnt a great lesson, don't have a health visitor. I had one in once, never again.

bigsquidlittlesquid · 07/06/2023 21:00

elm26 · 07/06/2023 20:27

Thanks so much everyone. You've made me feel a little better that maybe I am doing a good job.

She was just so abrupt and rude and really made me feel stupid.

Anyway, here is a picture of my out of control dog, an unhappy baby and worst mother of the year 😂

Got to keep it lighthearted because I could easily sink back into depression and I do not want that at all.

you’re so beautiful!! look at your gorgeous little baby too!! you’re doing amazing - ignore the hv they’re all full of crap x

Hellno45 · 07/06/2023 21:00

You are doing a great job.

I'd ask for a different HV. Some are great and some not so much.

Louoby · 07/06/2023 21:01

All I can say is wtf!!! I would refuse entry and not let her back in tbh. Health visitors are usually supportive not opinionated.
I would ring up the health visiting team and request they send someone else next time or they can not bother coming back.
It sounds like your doing a fantastic job. She's thriving and you've got nothing to feel guilty about. Well done mummy and keep up the good work. X

Whatifthecathatesthebaby · 07/06/2023 21:01

OP you sound like you are doing a great job. I would refuse another visit from this HV, request another one by all means but in my experience the visits don't add much value if any. Join NCT or similar and seek your answers and support elsewhere. My DD is now 6 and I don't know a single mother who had a positive experience with their HV. Enjoy your newborn, you and DH concentrate on being happy and healthy and seeking joy in your new, thriving, family.

Dav1988 · 07/06/2023 21:02

Congratulations! Your daughter is beautiful - and you and your dog look lovely too. I think it’s part of their job description as many seem to have a knack to make people feel like a failure so you’re definitely not alone. But I’d definitely complain and ask for a different one. She should know your history - kindness costs nothing and she should be building your confidence.

I’m so sorry to hear about the pain you experienced before finally getting your little girl. I have struggled with my mental health to the point of hospitalisation and my midwife has reassured me how normal it is to battle with one’s mental health, especially when becoming a new mum. 💐 So please try to get a HV who will provide reassurance and make you feel like the good mum you are. All the best.

Munchyseeds2 · 07/06/2023 21:02

Honestly she sounds bonkers!!
Keep doing what you are doing, enjoy the baby and your lovely dog...you will be fine
If you have her back (not sure I would) just nod and smile

StarDolphins · 07/06/2023 21:02

elm26 · 07/06/2023 20:27

Thanks so much everyone. You've made me feel a little better that maybe I am doing a good job.

She was just so abrupt and rude and really made me feel stupid.

Anyway, here is a picture of my out of control dog, an unhappy baby and worst mother of the year 😂

Got to keep it lighthearted because I could easily sink back into depression and I do not want that at all.

This picture is super lovely! Happy Mummy, happy baby & lovely calm dog being included. Keep your chin up & ask the HV not to return. You’re doing a great job!

Cutesbabasmummy · 07/06/2023 21:02

My hv was a twat! She said my baby had normal posseting when in fact he had severe reflux and needed medication. Never saw her again. Trust your mum instinct - you sound like you are doing just fine xxx

bibbingo · 07/06/2023 21:03

Aww OP keep doing what you're doing, she sounds very rude. You look amazing btw!

I also have a spaniel (he was just about to turn 8 when DS was born) and DS (now 18mo) loves him Smile he actually said the dog's name before "mama" HmmGrin

Ketzele · 07/06/2023 21:03

I had one visit from a HV. She told me not to carry my baby in a sling because she would suffocate between my breasts (and claimed one had died this way just the year before in my very street!). She said babies can't breathe through their mouths. I asked what happens if they get a cold? She said you must rush them straight to A+E and hope you reach there before they suffocate!

Welcome to the club, OP! And congratulations on your beautiful baby.

TheoTheopolis23 · 07/06/2023 21:04

I'm only going to comment on the pp machine cause everyone's covered everything else.

There was a fake scare about mould in the pipes which turned out to be carbon deposits or something.

Aside from that there was an issue myself and Lo's Dad could never figure out was kosher or not ...which was the cold water and the fact that it's only filtered and not boiled. That could be our lack of understanding.

He's and midwives can't endorse it because it's not been definitively declared as safe/as "good" as the recommended bottle make up routine.

What I would do is use the premixed bottles of formula if you can afford it. Especially at night.

Anyway, don't let her get to you. She's a twat.

pollykitty · 07/06/2023 21:04

You’re doing fine, she sounds like a total arsehole.

LittleMousewithcloggson · 07/06/2023 21:04

Sounds like you are doing a great job.
My BF who is a health visitor said they are told to warn parents to be careful about the perfect prep machines as if they aren’t looked after properly they can cause bacteria to grow and aren’t as safe as using boiling water (cooled to right temperature obviously!)
That might be why she told you that but everything else you are doing sounds great. Ask for a different one definitely. If you decide to refuse to have one - which you can - try to take your daughter to the health clinics just so no one can say they are concerned they haven’t seen your child. But keep smiling and enjoy your daughter. You’re amazing

Mumtobabyhavoc · 07/06/2023 21:06

@elm26 First, congratulations on your rainbow baby. 💐

I am so sorry, especially after all you've been through, that you received such harsh comments from your HV. Can you request a new HV? I think I'd insist on it via their manager.

My LO was just 6.25lbs and developed a life threatening infection shortly after birth. The paediatrician and midwives after that told me the goal was to get to double birth weight quickly and to feed every 2-3 hours and wake if necessary to feed. So, I set alarms throughout the night and did that. I gave LO as much formula as baby wanted, too.

I did boil the kettle on the stove (my electric kettle shuts off at just boiling) for at least five mins so water was safely sterilized as a "just to be extra safe" measure. Immune systems are not developed so didn't take chances that way. I would then transfer water to my kettle and use it for the day as the kettle has temp settings so I could warm water to mix with formula on demand (discard after 24 hours to avoid bacteria).

I also co-slept A LOT. Skin to skin, propped up a bit, with pillows beside me as well to prevent arms dropping, but I don't tend to move when I sleep so felt very safe doing this.

I wonder if HV meant to be so harsh or if it was perceived that way as no doubt you're in a fragile state pp. A bit of both? Regardless, a new HV would be a fresh start.

You sound like you're doing great! Good instincts and bonding. Again, a very heartfelt congratulations on your much loved and dearly wanted baby. 💐💖

Remagirl · 07/06/2023 21:06

I agree just go with it and take any advice she offers that resonates and ignore anything you don't agree with. I had an amazing old school HV that often gave me the party line but would add, your instinct is right but I can't tell you to do that.

Onceuponaheartache · 07/06/2023 21:07

Honestly the HV is a witch. Mine told me that my BF baby was overweight and needed to be put on a diet at 4 weeks old.

That baby is now nearly 10 and only just weighs 27kg. She is anything but overweight.

Ignore her. Inform your GP that you want a new HV and move on.

You are doing an amazing job!!!

spudulike1 · 07/06/2023 21:07

You look radiant and your family look content. Do what is working and ignore that ridiculous woman. I had a dog that was less than a year when we had our last, unexpected, baby. We had a baby mat like you describe and the dog never once went near it or caused a problem. Ignore her and enjoy you beautiful baby

Duckswaddle · 07/06/2023 21:07

Yeah in my experience health visitors are there to make you feel like complete shit.
Ignore and carry on doing what’s best for you 😊

Malbecfan · 07/06/2023 21:07

You look AMAZING! You are doing a great job. My HV was completely shit almost 24 years ago. Insinuated I was starving BF DD1 (obviously complete bollocks). DD1 will be 24 in July, she is 5' tall, weighs around 7.5 stone , has a gorgeous slim figure, is as strong as an ox and dances and coxes successfully for her Cambridge college. Yes, she's petite but bright as anything. Well that doesn't fit the lines on the sodding red book, so HV dispensed her worldly "wisdom". I know just how you feel because that was me, but my wonderful dad had my back and shoved HV back in her box.

I did get my own back later when DD2 came along and I cared less about HV's nonsense, but that's another story. You keep on as you are OP and enjoy your gorgeous DC

Brightredtulips · 07/06/2023 21:08

Congratulations.You are doing great. You are a great mum. All these points that have been raised are meaningless. Your baby is probably having a growth spurt considering her size at birth. A lot of them point out negatives as makes them seem like they've done something. How old was she? Is she a mother? The best advice you can get is from a mother like an older aunt, mother, friend etc. Your baby is fed and loved. YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER.

Dav1988 · 07/06/2023 21:08

Forgot to say my friend had a very annoying HV - who loved talking about how experienced and knowledgeable she was - who repeatedly called ‘prolactin’ ‘prolaXin’ when discussing breastfeeding. Perhaps minor but even I know that’s wrong and I’m definitely nothing to do with being a HV… So a testament to how they really can be full of shit when they seem to relish telling us that they are the fountain of wisdom.

BeverlyHa · 07/06/2023 21:10

I think this deserves reporting on your behalf. All this sounds totally bonkers.
Can you report it?

PurplePansy05 · 07/06/2023 21:10

OP, I had recurrent miscarriages that wrecked my mental health too. Like you, when I finally had my little boy, I came across some really bad midwives and HVs. I'll never forget one of the HVs (as there was no consistency) was my former midwife who was utterly shit when I was going through MCs. I requested a different HV. Not sure if my next one was better though, tbh.

My DS is nearly 2 now and I don't look at them and that period of my life fondly. Most of them have no bloody clue how poorly they come across and zero training or even empathy in dealing with first time mums following earlier losses. Their criticism, no matter how well-intended, can have a terrible impact on you.

Easier said than done, but please don't take this to heart, don't make the same mistake I have allowed to happen. You've suffered enough and it's time for you to breathe out and enjoy this time as much as you can. Big hugs xxx

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