Health visitor has made me feel shit

[elm26]

Health visitor came and all she did is criticise.

2.5 week old baby is having too much formula (4oz every 3.5-4 hours) she's hungry and I'm not going to deny her it. I should be waking her every 2 and giving her 2oz apparently. She scared the life out of me saying if I let her sleep for 3-4 hours, she could go into a deep sleep and never come out of it (cot death).

She doesn't like the play mat that we have for her (just one of those soft ones with toys above) as we have a spaniel and apparently she should never be on the floor as we have a dog including for dog hair reasons. Spaniel is 8 years old, not boisterous, we NEVER leave them in the same room together, if she's on her mat one of us sits right next to her so dog can have a sniff of her head then he wanders off to lay down. They are ALWAYS supervised. I would never want any harm to come to her and it's also my responsibility as a dog owner to make sure he's calm and not stressed too. We've kept his routine the same, I put baby in sling and walk for an hour every morning and then DH takes him out for a further 30 minutes in evening. He seems happy and settled, no jealousy or warning signs.

The dog hair, what can I do? I literally Hoover every single day (1 bed flat so only takes 5 mins max), my flat is clean (I actually have OCD), I hate clutter, my DH has been great and we've been keeping on top of everything so it's not like she walked into a state, I'm proud of my home.

She doesn't like that we use the perfect prep machine for the bottles. I explained I can't breastfeed as at first she wouldn't latch despite numerous attempts and help from midwives and secondly my milk dried up so quickly. She was a tiny 5lb 15oz when she was born because my placenta stopped working and she stopped growing. I already feel guilty enough about this and honestly, enough was enough and I chucked in the towel and moved her to Aptamil to get some food into her. She is now 1lb over her birth weight and midwives say she is thriving. HV thinks we should be using the boiling water method.

Apparently I shouldn't have a Moses basket mattress protector under the Moses basket sheet. It's not padded or thick or anything like that, it's super thin and from Mamas and Papas for Moses baskets, surely they wouldn't sell if not safe?

She doesn't like how I held her, on my chest with her head tucked to one side. I do this as skin to skin for a couple of hours a night to make her feel secure and close. She said it's dangerous in case I fall asleep. I do this around 7pm with DH in the room with me.

I just feel like utter shit now. I had 13 miscarriages, this little girl is my whole world and my DH and I have felt on top of the world since having her and really thought we were doing a great job as a team. Obviously I'm never going to know it all and I'm also a first time Mum.

I've suffered horrifically with depression and anxiety in the past including inpatient treatment in a psychiatric hospital after my 13th miscarriage for severe depression and grief.

I was so proud of myself and DH for having this content baby who's put on weight, seems super healthy and we love her so much. I've booked in to start a baby massage/yoga/first aid and music class with her starting in a couple of weeks and now I'm dreading it in case others judge me.

I'm dreading her coming back 😢

Still be proud of yourself and dh. Sounds like she has came into your home and couldn’t find anything to moan about so has knit picked about anything. Don’t let her back in your house and tell her why. I’m sure some of these health visitors think they are paid to put down women who are already vulnerable.

Mine told me Ds would give up breastfeeding if I fed him bottles of formula. ( But not of breast milk) To be fair he did give up breastfeeding two and a half YEARS later!

I fed him formula as my nipples were agony and needed time to heal. It was that or starve him.

Poor you, you've had a really tough time of it haven't you. I hope you can enjoy your lovely baby without too much worry. (We all do worry quite a bit, it comes with the territory)

Oh I did all those things with both of mine and the health visitor was fine with it all! Yours sounds ridiculous honestly. It sounds like you are doing a super job!

Also myHV told me I was feeding wrong, sleeping wrong, holding wrong etc.
Dd is now a happy and successful 20 year old. Enjoy your gorgeous baby ❤️

Wow, I thought the photo was taken from one of those soppy magazines with everything staged to show "the perfect mother". Like in Hello!

Well done, OP, take no notice. I suppose it is better health visitors are too heavy rather than the opposite, but just tell her: MUMMY KNOWS BEST!

She sounds awful. I do remember from when mine were little though I just told the health visitor what I was doing. Avoid asking questions cos they tend to parrot out the latest ‘advice’

Babies should be fed on demand and some drink more than others. Dd2 drank waaaay more than dd1 but they weighed about the same for the first 6 months 🤷🏻‍♀️. None of it makes and sense. Having a newborn on your chest is surely completely normal? The waking them up thing is if they are under birthweight isn’t it?

As others have said decline her next visit if they still actually come out twice.

Had almost the same conversation with our health visitor 16 years ago.
Dd slept 7-7 from 2 weeks. How very dare we. We were causing untold harm by not waking her and starving her. Practically negligent.
She met my lovely Jack Russell terriers who were always behind a baby gate and not left unattended. She wrote THEY HAVE DOGS. Suggested places to rehome them.
She met my dad. Asked after my mum and explained she had died quite a few years before. She wrote down " no family support"
Ditched her as soon as we could.

Babies don't come with instructions or a handbook. You find your own way.
Enjoy your baby.

Complain and ask for another HV. She'll only get the message and improve her practice if people do this. I wouldn't deprive yourself of the chance of a new good one though - you never know when you might need some support as time goes on. Congratulations.

your hv sounds like a total witch. Could you maybe email what you’ve written here to her manager? I’d be inclined to ask for another hv who is more interested in supporting mums and less interested in judging them. By the way, you sound an amazing mum. I can’t see any issues with anything you’ve written. Be kind to yourself. You’re doing amazing. Xxx

Like my mum always said, nod along to their faces then do what you like! I used to agree very enthusiastically about making up each bottle fresh (before prep machines) while my fridge was full of bottles made in advance!

Does the health visitor have access to your medical history OP? if she does I would be suspicious she is abusing her power knowing you are already potentially vulnerable with your mental health. What a horrible woman, she should be aware how fragile women's mental health is in the weeks after giving birth. What a horrible woman. You are doing amazing!

Congratulations to you both, a much loved baby, so pleased for you xx

Make a complaint - forget about the episode enjoy your lovely little one ( she sound v like my sister who is a HV - and completely bombastic) ❤️👍🏿☘️🕊

Don't let that awful HV put you off your classes either. It will be beneficial to your mental health to meet other parents and babies, and lovely for baby. You'll see that there is no one way to do things, but everyone is trying their best.

I recall baby massage was a particularly reassuring class, as there was time to chat (with cake and a hot drink), and you notice that everyone's hopes and worries for their little one are similar!

Lovely picture. Congratulations, lots of baby hugs. Such a special time. We had an older dog when dd was born. He was soooo protective of dd. It was really sweet. It sounds as if you’re doing a grand job.

I had an excellent health visitor but I’ve heard on here how hit and miss health visitors can be. I also used an independent midwife and she was ace.

Please don’t think this woman is the only source of help. I didn’t find Mumsnet until my dd was a few years old but having been here maybe a decade now, I can honestly say the site is so supportive of new mums.

Health visitors are notoriously shit!

Occasionally you might get a good one but after 2 babies of my own and working in the same office as a couple of HVs I don't think I'd take advice from any of them.

Please try not to worry, you sound like you're doing a good job and I'm sure you're a lovely mom!

Every single me of my friends said their HV was similar to this & 1 refused to have one!

I think it’s their job to be neurotic & negative.

i has 2 coming to me - one never stopped going on about my cat & dog & where they sleep etc (never mentioned hair though) also mentioned the flags/mud in the garden! the other one brought her 3 babies up with 2dogs & a cat & was very lovely.

I would hold your head high & ignore or ask for another. You sound like a great mummy😃

She is an idiot.
Ask for someone else. You can opt out, but hvs can be really great support if you get a decent one, so it's worth asking if there's an alternative first.
That picture is lovely, and so is your dog!

@elm26
Hi you are doing absolutely nothing wrong. I'm a midwife of 30 years you are doing everything right. Your baby is thriving you often find these little ones have a very good appetite and nothing wrong with that.
You get good and bad in every profession let them know you would like to see somebody else in the future and reasons why.
My dil's HV told her that her 1 Yr old should be walking and he had unequal leg creases so could have hip dysplasia also said he wasn't very social lol.
I checked his leg creases perfectly equal and he walked a month later. Some of them talk nonsense some are sensible and professional.
BTW you look amazing in the pic you posted. Your baby is beautiful and your dog looks so gentle. Enjoy this time don't let anyone burst your bubble. X

None of my NCT group thought the HVs were useful. One of them was made to feel like you. Her baby is fine.

Your photo is gorgeous.

I would say though that don't automatically assume that just because something is for sale, it is safe. For example, cot bumpers.

Please commit your comments in writing and deliver them to the head of the H.V. service. Her behaviour was completely out of order. While it is their job to advise on the latest reseach on child devopment methods, it is not their job to undermine new mothers. They can be very helpful in liaising with other authorities, such as housing. There are very good ones around. You all look beautiful. x

This is where MN needs a like button, well done you!
Don't let her get to you, as you grow in confidence you'll look back and think why did she make me feel this way, I've got this.

Hi I had a prem so I also had to wake her every two hours she still
had a bit of jaundice. I formula fed her and never felt guilty for doing so, I barely made any milk. Which was a massive relief because I hated the idea of bf. I also used a Tomee tippee machine. I would do what she says/pretend apart from the two hour feed thing. In order to get rid of her for next time. Also will she see your picture on here?

First aid courses are fine people just sit there in silence usually. Don’t worry what other parents think they are probably trying to keep their eyes open because they are so tired!

Ps. Just seen your photo. Made me all teary. What a gorgeous family and a very loved baby girl 😍 enjoy every second of her and don’t let any nitwit make you doubt yourself 💕

She probably doesn’t have any children of her own , tell them to send a different hv next time and don’t allow her back in your house