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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Health visitor has made me feel shit

342 replies

elm26 · 07/06/2023 20:18

Health visitor came and all she did is criticise.

2.5 week old baby is having too much formula (4oz every 3.5-4 hours) she's hungry and I'm not going to deny her it. I should be waking her every 2 and giving her 2oz apparently. She scared the life out of me saying if I let her sleep for 3-4 hours, she could go into a deep sleep and never come out of it (cot death).

She doesn't like the play mat that we have for her (just one of those soft ones with toys above) as we have a spaniel and apparently she should never be on the floor as we have a dog including for dog hair reasons. Spaniel is 8 years old, not boisterous, we NEVER leave them in the same room together, if she's on her mat one of us sits right next to her so dog can have a sniff of her head then he wanders off to lay down. They are ALWAYS supervised. I would never want any harm to come to her and it's also my responsibility as a dog owner to make sure he's calm and not stressed too. We've kept his routine the same, I put baby in sling and walk for an hour every morning and then DH takes him out for a further 30 minutes in evening. He seems happy and settled, no jealousy or warning signs.

The dog hair, what can I do? I literally Hoover every single day (1 bed flat so only takes 5 mins max), my flat is clean (I actually have OCD), I hate clutter, my DH has been great and we've been keeping on top of everything so it's not like she walked into a state, I'm proud of my home.

She doesn't like that we use the perfect prep machine for the bottles. I explained I can't breastfeed as at first she wouldn't latch despite numerous attempts and help from midwives and secondly my milk dried up so quickly. She was a tiny 5lb 15oz when she was born because my placenta stopped working and she stopped growing. I already feel guilty enough about this and honestly, enough was enough and I chucked in the towel and moved her to Aptamil to get some food into her. She is now 1lb over her birth weight and midwives say she is thriving. HV thinks we should be using the boiling water method.

Apparently I shouldn't have a Moses basket mattress protector under the Moses basket sheet. It's not padded or thick or anything like that, it's super thin and from Mamas and Papas for Moses baskets, surely they wouldn't sell if not safe?

She doesn't like how I held her, on my chest with her head tucked to one side. I do this as skin to skin for a couple of hours a night to make her feel secure and close. She said it's dangerous in case I fall asleep. I do this around 7pm with DH in the room with me.

I just feel like utter shit now. I had 13 miscarriages, this little girl is my whole world and my DH and I have felt on top of the world since having her and really thought we were doing a great job as a team. Obviously I'm never going to know it all and I'm also a first time Mum.

I've suffered horrifically with depression and anxiety in the past including inpatient treatment in a psychiatric hospital after my 13th miscarriage for severe depression and grief.

I was so proud of myself and DH for having this content baby who's put on weight, seems super healthy and we love her so much. I've booked in to start a baby massage/yoga/first aid and music class with her starting in a couple of weeks and now I'm dreading it in case others judge me.

I'm dreading her coming back 😢

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 07/06/2023 20:29

YABVVU to look that bloody amazing 2.5 weeks after giving birth!

Sounds like you're doing great and the HV is a complete battleaxe.

TheNoodlesIncident · 07/06/2023 20:30

My HVs were not like this, they were lovely and encouraging and yours should be too, you're not doing anything wrong! Ask for another HV or decline their visits, you don't have to have them if you're happy with how things are going (which you should be).

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/06/2023 20:30

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/06/2023 20:29

Oh that's terrible! Don't you DARE let her make you feel ere is at they are the authority on babies and actually some of them are useless. I'm not sure I would be refusing to have ANY coming to my house, if I were you, because I'd be a bit paranoid that they would be reading something wrong into that. Instead I'd call up and request another one and state exactly how she made you feel. They may have had other complaints about her.

oh sorry, must have leaned on the keyboard and deleted some of that message! Anyway, you get the jist.

volcanoroll · 07/06/2023 20:30

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 07/06/2023 20:28

Nod, smile, don't see them again.

After DD1 I had severe post natal depression and was suicidal, and I called the HV to ask if they could refer me to support/point me towards help etc and they told me to ring back in a few days "once the phase has passed". I really thought I would die.
I had nothing to do with them after that.

I had similar. The GP was well annoyed as it clearly wasn't "baby blues"

Beaverbridge · 07/06/2023 20:30

Totally agree with OP, it's their job to make you feel the worst mother in the world. One that came to my daughter was the same. You do what you is right for you and baby. Please don't take it to heart. Cut her off next time if there is a next time.

Sweetlily99 · 07/06/2023 20:30

She sounds awful and you sound amazing.

You don't need to worry about seeing her again as you don't need to have a HV round if you don't want to or complain and ask for a new one.

My first was awful so I never saw anyone again and neither did my following 2 children as she destroyed my confidence and hard work with utter nonsense

elm26 · 07/06/2023 20:31

Thank you so much everyone I'm so grateful.

I'm just worried if I refuse their visits that they may think something dodgy is going on. I will phone and request a different HV for my next appt and make sure I mention how awful she made me feel.

OP posts:
Curtains70 · 07/06/2023 20:31

Honestly in my experience they're totally useless if you have other support and/or are able to research yourself.

They don't know anything that your sister, mum, best friend etc doesn't know or that a quick Google or Mumsnet won't tell you.

Mine even said a couple of times oh I'm supposed to tell you this but in the real world etc etc.

With regards to the perfect prep, mine is 13 months now so no longer on formula. But when we packed up the machine me and DH both said it was the best thing anybody bought us. Absolute God send and had no issues with it at all.

getafringenotbotox · 07/06/2023 20:31

Curtains70 · 07/06/2023 20:24

She is full of shit, tell her not to bother coming again.

As to the formula I fed mine the exact same amount as you and used a perfect prep.

I can't completely remember but I would imagine I had a mattress protector as well.

My HV was not like this at all, sounds like you have an awful one.

You are doing an amazing job!!! Fuck her

I did it the exact same aswell.

Blablablanamechangagain · 07/06/2023 20:32

You don't have to have a HV
You can request a different one

Also, I wish they'd use consistent advice. Mine just said about my PP machine that "we have to warn you to be careful as the water might not be hot enough to kill bacteria"
That's it. She was great tbh so I'm sorry you've got a dragon.
It sounds like you're doing amazingly well, please don't let it get to you.
My little girl is thriving, just turned one, over 4 times her birth weight, and trying to walk. She was fed aptamil then we swapped to SMA. And other than when we have been out and about. Her bottles have been made using the PP machine. *try telling a hungry baby they have to wait for their bottle to cool down when they're starving hungry, no ta.
Keep doing a great job mama, congratulations 🥳💕

Elysiaxo · 07/06/2023 20:32

Beautiful picture OP, thanks for sharing! And you sound like you're doing amazing! Flowers

BusMumsHoliday · 07/06/2023 20:33

Both my kids have been on the floor with my dog (like you, always supervised). Sometimes gasp not even on a playmat. Have I found dog hair in nappies? Yes. Are they both still alive? Yes.

I've had good HVs and bad HVs. Some always have to have something to correct.

Swifey40 · 07/06/2023 20:33

Hello there! I was a maternity nanny for many years and have two boys myself. You seem to be doing everything right! Especially bottle feeding, you should never ever feel guilty about that. I didn't breast feed at all, either of my boys, and one now plays rugby for the county, so trust me, it makes no difference. The only thing that matters is that iur daughter is healthy, content and putting on weight, and she is doing all of those things.
I have never met a nice HV, I'm sure there are some out there, but I have yet to meet one. In fact I often had to metaphorically pick the ladies I worked for off the ground after one had been because the hv had made them feel so crap! I actually threw my hv out after she shamed me about not breastfeeding and refused to have another one. I knew, and was trained to know, that what I was doing was best for me and my baby and I just got on with it.
You and your husband sound awesome, believe in yourselves ans enjoy your gorgeous bundle of joy! Xx

Sapphire387 · 07/06/2023 20:33

Gorgeous photo, OP.

Ignore the health visitor. I started ignoring mine with my first after she quite insistently advised me to do controlled crying and I didn't want to. Not judging anyone who does it btw - just her attitude, she was so pushy.

With my second, I think she came once and then we skipped most of the checks.

Due my third shortly and will probably decline visits.

I am sure some HV's are helpful but it is the luck of the draw and some of them act like their word is gospel. It really isn't.

You can opt out - just take your baby for their jabs with your GP, etc.

SugarCraving · 07/06/2023 20:33

Congratulations on having a beautiful baby. You are a fantastic Mother.
Please ignore this health visitor. She sounds a nightmare.
When mine were young I didn't have a lot of money and brought some cheap babygrows and vest from a market. They had been mislabelled saying to fit a 12 month old and my child was 6 weeks. She told me that I should buy proper clothes for my child from Mothercare or Adam's as they get their size correct, I spent ages crying as I felt a bad Mother as I couldn't ask it.
My child was sinking 5 oz every 11/2 hours.

I hope the things you have been told here have made you feel more positive.

Please don't engage with her again

Flowers
TheOutnetReturns · 07/06/2023 20:34

Golly it is really worrying that someone with so little emotional intelligence could be in a job with power. The power to be able to say whatever the bloody hell she likes and she is the ‘expert’ and you’re not supposed to answer her back. Because if she wants to (continue to) be nasty, she could make life extremely difficult.
What an utter, hateful witch.

im so sorry this happened to you OP. Your home, life, mothering and relationship sound cosy and contented. Including the dog.

Sending you good vibes.

TheOutnetReturns · 07/06/2023 20:34

Also I’m sorry for all of your losses.

Beadyeyes91 · 07/06/2023 20:36

YOU ARE DOING AMAZING! some people shouldn't do the jobs they do. Xxx

Flowersandherbs · 07/06/2023 20:36

Never let them into our lives! What can they possibly know that’s not available and accessible online. Get little one weighed regularly since she was a bit dainty so weekly probably at the clinic? but other than that you don’t need the woman to come and bother you. Sounds like you and DH are doing amazingly well so just enjoy it! I loved having tiny ones in the summer months , evening strolls are a great way to help them settle in the witching hour too if she gets fussy around teatime ( most do) .

mummywithtwokidsplusdog · 07/06/2023 20:36

She sounds like she’s on some kind of mad power trip! Poor you! Please hold on to your confidence- trust your instincts and keep loving your baby and your new life together.

Kitcaterpillar · 07/06/2023 20:37

Look at you two, what a pair of peaches.

Don't take it to heart, you're doing a lovely job. Just keep on ❤️

Opaque11 · 07/06/2023 20:37

Toddler101 · 07/06/2023 20:26

You can opt out of the health visitor service. They're shite.

I have to agree. I had a baby recently and absolutely nothing she told me that I couldn't Google it myself. It's as if they come with a tick-list with and that's it. They were a complete nuisance, coming every other day and waking the baby up ringing the doorbell loudly. I didn't realise you could opt out of it.

CrotchetyQuaver · 07/06/2023 20:38

That is terrible. Did she not read your notes before she came?
I think this is one instance where I would get either my mother or husband to phone up, speak to the HV team manager complain and inform them of the damage this woman has done to your confidence and tell them of the 13 miscarriages and hospitalisation following the last one prior to this last successful pregnancy.
Congratulations on the arrival of what is clearly your very very precious baby

kagerou · 07/06/2023 20:38

The waking every two hours advice is possibly because she was born small.

I was told to do the same thing with my early and small baby who was just over 5lbs at birth.

I was told it by both midwives and my absolutely lovely HV so I think that point does have something behind it

As for the rest it all sounds just fine (dog hair / exposure to pets is actually great for babies immunity)

I know some health professionals don't like perfect prep machines because of the risk of them going wrong or getting clogged and making the formula too watery but i would imagine you'd notice? (Not 100% sure on this as I BF)

Overall don't let her make you feel down. It's so tough in the first few weeks as they seem so tiny and fragile but you'll soon find your stride and build your confidence.

Also a massive congratulations to you and your beautiful baby girl

TheVeryHungryTortoise · 07/06/2023 20:38

Don't let her worry you, it sounds like you're doing a great job! My Grandma always said "health visitors are sent from God to worry you." I will preface with I am sure some HV are great, but personally I found mine incredibly unhelpful and opted out. I'm a doctor and felt comfortable with my own knowledge and didn't need someone scaring me at the most stressful time in my life.