Health visitor has made me feel shit

[elm26]

Health visitor came and all she did is criticise.

2.5 week old baby is having too much formula (4oz every 3.5-4 hours) she's hungry and I'm not going to deny her it. I should be waking her every 2 and giving her 2oz apparently. She scared the life out of me saying if I let her sleep for 3-4 hours, she could go into a deep sleep and never come out of it (cot death).

She doesn't like the play mat that we have for her (just one of those soft ones with toys above) as we have a spaniel and apparently she should never be on the floor as we have a dog including for dog hair reasons. Spaniel is 8 years old, not boisterous, we NEVER leave them in the same room together, if she's on her mat one of us sits right next to her so dog can have a sniff of her head then he wanders off to lay down. They are ALWAYS supervised. I would never want any harm to come to her and it's also my responsibility as a dog owner to make sure he's calm and not stressed too. We've kept his routine the same, I put baby in sling and walk for an hour every morning and then DH takes him out for a further 30 minutes in evening. He seems happy and settled, no jealousy or warning signs.

The dog hair, what can I do? I literally Hoover every single day (1 bed flat so only takes 5 mins max), my flat is clean (I actually have OCD), I hate clutter, my DH has been great and we've been keeping on top of everything so it's not like she walked into a state, I'm proud of my home.

She doesn't like that we use the perfect prep machine for the bottles. I explained I can't breastfeed as at first she wouldn't latch despite numerous attempts and help from midwives and secondly my milk dried up so quickly. She was a tiny 5lb 15oz when she was born because my placenta stopped working and she stopped growing. I already feel guilty enough about this and honestly, enough was enough and I chucked in the towel and moved her to Aptamil to get some food into her. She is now 1lb over her birth weight and midwives say she is thriving. HV thinks we should be using the boiling water method.

Apparently I shouldn't have a Moses basket mattress protector under the Moses basket sheet. It's not padded or thick or anything like that, it's super thin and from Mamas and Papas for Moses baskets, surely they wouldn't sell if not safe?

She doesn't like how I held her, on my chest with her head tucked to one side. I do this as skin to skin for a couple of hours a night to make her feel secure and close. She said it's dangerous in case I fall asleep. I do this around 7pm with DH in the room with me.

I just feel like utter shit now. I had 13 miscarriages, this little girl is my whole world and my DH and I have felt on top of the world since having her and really thought we were doing a great job as a team. Obviously I'm never going to know it all and I'm also a first time Mum.

I've suffered horrifically with depression and anxiety in the past including inpatient treatment in a psychiatric hospital after my 13th miscarriage for severe depression and grief.

I was so proud of myself and DH for having this content baby who's put on weight, seems super healthy and we love her so much. I've booked in to start a baby massage/yoga/first aid and music class with her starting in a couple of weeks and now I'm dreading it in case others judge me.

I'm dreading her coming back 😢

Please don't listen to her op. Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job! Nothing wrong with what you have described. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

You're doing a brilliant job (and you look amazing).

Ignore her. I wish someone had told me before I had my first about Health Visitors. The first one I had was so nosy! We do live in a nice house and I could tell as soon as she came to the door that she couldn't wait to have a look around. When she asked me what job I did I was deliberately vague, and then she asked me what sort of salary that paid. WTAF! I completely ignored her question and just cancelled further visits. For my second, I thought I'd give it another chance, as it was a different person, but she was always so late for appointments and breezily told me each time that it was because she was very busy. And I wasn't????

I’d report her for saying that sleeping 3-4hours could cause cot death. Does she have evidence to back up this statement? I’d also not let her back in the house. Ask for someone else who is actually qualified in their job not someone who is spreading fear through false information.

Tilly says a very big thank you to all of you for being so kind. (I'm hoping she grows into her sunhat 🤣)

She didn't back it up with any evidence but I think I was so frightened by this statement as I kept thinking "oh my god I've let her sleep 3-4 hours between feeds) so I wasn't taking much else in about that!

Well what a load of bollocks from your HV! I had a nutty HV too and it made my anxiety go so bad after DDs birth I had to go on ADs.

Everything you're doing sounds loving, attentive and good parenting. Keep on with it all and mind your MH by ignoring the batshit brigade!! I had lovely sleepy hugs with DD on my chest and I think back on them fondly, such special days, don't let anxiety taint them.

if I let her sleep for 3-4 hours, she could go into a deep sleep and never come out of it

that is absolute tripe.

My mum had similar. Ours helped me to learn to walk as she let me hold her fur as I cruised along. she Was a really obscure rare breed from another country. I recently saw one being walked past my house. I burst into tears. It was like seeing my childhood best friend. She died as I hit my teens, we were in separable.

Report the HV - no one has the right to frighten you. The HV needs proper training or sacking.

I had my first 16 years ago and the advice was completely different by the time I had my next one, who is now 6, but the advice changed again by the time I'd had my 5 year old.
Dying to know what pearls of wisdom are coming my way this time. 🙈

I was a young mam first time round, when the eldest was born my first night home I rang the hosptial to say he'd not woken up for a feed, midwife told me that's fine, the reason they tell people to feed so often is because some parents will just give them dummies and leave it 12 hours or more so they can sleep and thats obviously awful for baby.
Alot of advice is given to try and eliminate dangers of parents who perhaps aren't as vigilant as most are.

Having a newborn is scary, even to midwives or even the muppets like me who've looked after most of the tiny babies on our estate and friends and families wee ones. But humans have managed to keep the species going since we lived through brutal winters where we lived in caves and what not, I'm pretty sure we're gonna be reet if we continue being sensible.

Anyway @elm26 tell me what it's like to not be puking daily 😍😂

OMG you've had a horrific journey - my parents were alcoholics too, mum moved abroad when I was at uni and I felt like I could live more without the worry of her actions. I also had miscarriages (less than you! You poor thing 🥺) and I absolutely felt the same way, my DD (and now DS too) would have a very different life to mine.
Good luck and enjoy your new start with your new family ... beautiful photos too x

Health Visitors in my experience range from benignly inept to plain evil.

Please try not to let the sids thing overwhelm you. I allowed my anxiety to take over with my first and even with my second my irrational fear of sids made me make irrational and self harming choices, like waking my sleeping baby for no reason.

Just follow the lullaby trust advice and then forget it if you can. Sounds like you have a hungry baby so unlikely you'll be getting more than four hours anyway soon haha.

Fed is best so well done for giving your baby what she needs to thrive. You should never feel guilty about that, and particularly the placenta thing, You grew her beautifully and she's here and loved and cared for.

I complained about mine and never heard anything like this at all, I put my complaints down in writing and spoke to HVs supervisor who was most apologetic.

Do not try to brush this under the carpet and shut her up due to some misconceived fears.

I've just re read to double check. You said your dog licked your new baby on the head. This isn't something I'd want to let happen and if I was a professional visiting , my ears would prick up . Really dont like it when people say of their dogs -soft as grease the children can do anything to them etc etc. Not to upset you or make you paranoid though. Just another view.

She's talking crap. I bottlefed my children and most of them were taking 3-4 oz by this age and not waking 2 hourly. I never had a protector on the moses basket but can't remember the reasoning

The dog didn't lick baby in front of her, he laid calmly in his bed the whole visit.

He sniffs her head and fives the occasional little lick on top. Nowhere near her forehead or face. Not slobbery and not excessively. I grew up with rescue dogs who we had to sneak ice cream to them "a lick for you a lick for me" and I'm healthy so a quick lick on top of the head isn't going to worry me.

Also if you read my previous posts you'll see that as soft and gentle and lovely as he is I've reiterated they will NEVER be left alone to beg her under any circumstances. I'm well aware that he is an animal and get get pissed off and snap just like humans.