Health visitor has made me feel shit

[elm26]

Health visitor came and all she did is criticise.

2.5 week old baby is having too much formula (4oz every 3.5-4 hours) she's hungry and I'm not going to deny her it. I should be waking her every 2 and giving her 2oz apparently. She scared the life out of me saying if I let her sleep for 3-4 hours, she could go into a deep sleep and never come out of it (cot death).

She doesn't like the play mat that we have for her (just one of those soft ones with toys above) as we have a spaniel and apparently she should never be on the floor as we have a dog including for dog hair reasons. Spaniel is 8 years old, not boisterous, we NEVER leave them in the same room together, if she's on her mat one of us sits right next to her so dog can have a sniff of her head then he wanders off to lay down. They are ALWAYS supervised. I would never want any harm to come to her and it's also my responsibility as a dog owner to make sure he's calm and not stressed too. We've kept his routine the same, I put baby in sling and walk for an hour every morning and then DH takes him out for a further 30 minutes in evening. He seems happy and settled, no jealousy or warning signs.

The dog hair, what can I do? I literally Hoover every single day (1 bed flat so only takes 5 mins max), my flat is clean (I actually have OCD), I hate clutter, my DH has been great and we've been keeping on top of everything so it's not like she walked into a state, I'm proud of my home.

She doesn't like that we use the perfect prep machine for the bottles. I explained I can't breastfeed as at first she wouldn't latch despite numerous attempts and help from midwives and secondly my milk dried up so quickly. She was a tiny 5lb 15oz when she was born because my placenta stopped working and she stopped growing. I already feel guilty enough about this and honestly, enough was enough and I chucked in the towel and moved her to Aptamil to get some food into her. She is now 1lb over her birth weight and midwives say she is thriving. HV thinks we should be using the boiling water method.

Apparently I shouldn't have a Moses basket mattress protector under the Moses basket sheet. It's not padded or thick or anything like that, it's super thin and from Mamas and Papas for Moses baskets, surely they wouldn't sell if not safe?

She doesn't like how I held her, on my chest with her head tucked to one side. I do this as skin to skin for a couple of hours a night to make her feel secure and close. She said it's dangerous in case I fall asleep. I do this around 7pm with DH in the room with me.

I just feel like utter shit now. I had 13 miscarriages, this little girl is my whole world and my DH and I have felt on top of the world since having her and really thought we were doing a great job as a team. Obviously I'm never going to know it all and I'm also a first time Mum.

I've suffered horrifically with depression and anxiety in the past including inpatient treatment in a psychiatric hospital after my 13th miscarriage for severe depression and grief.

I was so proud of myself and DH for having this content baby who's put on weight, seems super healthy and we love her so much. I've booked in to start a baby massage/yoga/first aid and music class with her starting in a couple of weeks and now I'm dreading it in case others judge me.

I'm dreading her coming back 😢

Think of it the other way. If your child had died of SIDs and she didn't warn you, what then. I do agree with what you say about not being condescending and just letting you know the facts.

Don't have her back and tell them exactly why.

Beautiful, little one turning head towards the dog. You are doing amazing OP, Congratulations

I'm sorry you've had such a crap experience with the HV. I had 2 different ones and they were fantastic. Especially as I was a single mum from day one without much support.

You sound like you're doing a fab job. You know you can request a different HV, don't you?

Wow, laid in bed in tears reading all of your experiences and stories, words of encouragement and just genuine kindness. Thank you all so much.

I'll just address a few comments, the perfect prep machine will be cleaned regularly and the filters replaced as needed even though it says it's the perfect temperature I still test a bit on back of my hand just in case there's a malfunction somewhere.

I tried for a baby for 9 years so did a lot of research in that time. I know that cot bumpers, toys in the cot/Moses, letting baby sleep on the sleep pod things (I don't have one) are massive no no's.

During the night feeds, as soon as she's fed and winded, we put her straight back in her Moses so no risk of falling asleep with her. I'm terrified to co sleep and she seems content in her basket.

Thank you again everyone for your lovely words x

Forgot to say for the first week she was fed every 2 hours due to her low birth weight at 39 weeks but as no jaundice and because she only lost 5g then put it on plus some, the midwife said we could start leaving longer periods 😊

Also so sorry for everyone else who's been made to feel like crap, our hormones are everywhere and we are all doing our best. If there is obvious danger or neglect I completely understand but from what everyone has commented and my own experience, there is none of that and a majority of them seem to be on a power trip x

As someone who used to work with a HV Team, a lot of those things they ask or talk about are part of a tick-box exercise as the paperwork they follows tell them what they have to discuss/say and they usually have to tick their paperwork to say they’ve had those discussion with you. So although your feelings are valid please take heart that your HV may not have even believe 50% of what she was saying to you, but had to say it as that’s what’s professionally expected of her and what she is required to to document in her notes.

With regards to the feeding, all I would suggest, if you don’t already, is use the Paced Feeding Technique with your baby as that manner of feeding is “baby led” and allows the baby to take how much volume they want, whereas when babies are fed in the traditional manner (lead back in their parents arms with the bottle tilted) they can overfed which can be a trigger for vomiting and reflux symptoms, and longer periods of sleep. There are lots of good videos on YouTube about how to bottle feed this way if you haven’t been doing so already. Mind you, if the Health Visitor was doing her job properly and was concerned about your baby’s feeding pattern she should have already spoke to you about this.

I only advise this is for, alongside the reasons above, is it means that if your daughter continues to take that volume of milk then you can tell your HV that you use the Paced bottle feeding feeding technique to ensure the feed is baby led, and that your baby is actively choosing to have that amount of milk and therefore she obviously needs it and so you won’t be restricting her intake.

As another poster said, the HV service isn’t a requirement so you don’t have to see them, but they can also have some benefits. I think it’s just a case of finding one that you click with and one that you find supportive and so definitely ask for another one and see if you have a better experience with her.

And onto more positive things, many congratulations on finally getting your precious baby. It sounds like you’ve had a really traumatic time in order to get to this point and you must finally be on cloud 9…..so please don’t let this HV ruin the experience of new parenthood for you!!

Your dog is absolutely gorgeous!!! And I’m very jealous of how gorgeous you look too so soon after having a baby….I think I looked like crap for about 4 months 😂

We were shown how to do this my midwife, so she's sat partially upright with teat not full of milk but half full so she has to work harder for the milk. It can create more wind but isn't a problem if we wind her regularly which we do. She's never sick and sometimes she'll only take 3oz, others she'll finish the whole bottle so I definitely agree with you there. I'd rather be lead by DD than force milk into her and make her sick/over loaded for her little tummy. Thank you ☺️

Also, thank you for all your compliments on how well I look. Luckily for me I have a fantastic DH who makes sure I get an hour or more to myself each day to shower, wash hair, put a bit of make up on if we are going out. We were heading to a family BBQ when that photo was taken and now he's back to work, I live in shorts or yoga bottoms with my hair shoved on top of my head to walk the dog/look after bubs until he's home and I can have a soak in the bath etc 😂 I do not look like that every day! X

It sounds to me she was running through her list of advice , dog in house ,say this,tick. Moses basket say this, tick. Etc. It sounds like she needed better people skills if you feel like this afterwards. Don't take it personally. Lots of professionals (need to) cover their own backs. Hope you can see it in this context.

Just to add to the chorus - you're doing amazing! DD is 3 months old and we've been doing everything you do (including the dog, my parents have one!) with no hint of trouble yet. I only saw a HV once for a home visit after DD was born and then for a 6 week check. Haven't seen or heard from one since and was the same with DS 5 years ago until it was time for his development checks. Completely optional service ime!

I'm quite relieved that DDog isn't that phased by her, he'll give her a lick and sniff on top of her head then goes away to get his bone or bring her a toy which he doesn't understand she can't throw for him yet 😂 I know everyone says it but I do feel lucky to have a calm, happy to go with the flow, low needs dog. As long as he's fed, walked and we make sure that whoever doesn't have the baby in the evening plays with him for a bit, fusses him with cuddles, he seems his usual happy self. When baby cries he takes himself to his bed as if to say "f%#k this" 🤣 up until he was about 6 he was your typical nutty high energy spaniel so he's definitely calmed with age. We bought some puppy training treats too so when he's gentle with her we reward him with one (didn't want to overload him with his adult dog treats) so I'm hoping to carry on the healthy and happy dog routine and hopefully they develop a safe bond overtime. I grew up with rescue dogs so I just love them.

I'm worried about saying I don't want another HV as I was under the perinatal mental health team during pregnancy and they were fantastic, I got so much support and felt like they really listened to my concerns about PND etc due to my history, I didn't feel judged like I did by the HV. The consultant for mental health in pregnancy and post partum calls once a week to check on me and to ask if I feel like I need an adjustment on my antidepressants, or if I just need to chat or have some counselling. She will do this for 6 weeks after birth and then I can self refer back to them until baby is a year old so that's a relief. I feel great and healthier than I've been in years in terms or my mind and mental health. I will definitely call and ask for a different HV and my last visit should be next month anyway and then hopefully I'll see the back of them.

Our local church does baby weigh clinics on a Monday from 9-11:30 so I will take her to those, from the wounds of it you can have a cuppa and chat to other mums whilst there too and I'm really looking forward to starting the classes in a couple of weeks. I feel really positive today after all of your advice and comments and I can't thank you all enough. Mumsnet really can be amazing.

My Mum is an alcoholic and was a drug addict too, my grandparents raised me so I'm determined to give my daughter the life I didn't have with my Mum and I think the comments from the HV made me feel like I was failing.

DH did all of the night feeds last night and is going into work a bit later so I had a good 8 hour sleep which has really helped my mood.

Think of it the other way. If your child had died of SIDs and she didn't warn you, what then. I do agree with what you say about not being condescending and just letting you know the facts.

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That was my issue.

Not that she did her job and warned me of the facts.

It was her tone, her patronising nature and the fact she specifically said "you are putting your baby at risk of SIDS".

Looking at the picture as a whole I was absolutely not putting my baby at risk of SIDS. I was going against their guidance to avoid putting her at risk by using an unsafe moses basket just to be slightly closer to me at night. Not everyone has unlimited space and can fit a full size cot in their bedroom.

It's all guidance and advice, not the law. Everyone should be able to use the guidance to make informed decisions without the HV mafia sticking their neb in and making already vulnerable women feel bad. They should be supportive and kind, and save their aggressive nature for genuinely dangerous and unsafe choices.

Op out of the HV. My HV set up my perfect prep for me. MN seemed shocked when I've mentioned it before but the HV in our area support the mum. Your HV isn't doing that. She sounds awful. You are doing so well. Congratulations on your little girl and keep doing what you are x

No health professional should “support” a mum when it comes to unsafe practices. That isn’t doing their job and your HV was in the wrong.

They're not there to be your friend, they’re there to advise you on what’s safe and what isn’t, and then if you choose to take the risk with your baby that’s on you.

Tell her not to bother coming back! Honestly OP, she’s just waffling nonsense.

I was really lucky with my HV as she was lovely. We have a Labrador who was 2 when DS was born and the shedding 😱. But HV didn’t bat an eyelid and instead concentrated on how the dog could help me battle me PND and how, in the future, she would be a great playmate for DS. She was right as they’re inseparable.

You’re doing amazing! Just keep going 💐

What a lovely HV. Ignore the judgy remark about unsafe practices, I never used a perfect prep but I did make up all bottles for the day in advance and gave them at room temp. It's what most people did at the time but MN would be telling me off if it were now 🙃

You sound amazing @MyTruthIsOut so sorted and thoughtful regarding the dog etc Congratulations, ignore the nitwit and enjoy your gorgeous girl. If I had done as good as you are I would have been very happy. Btw there will be times over the next 40 years or so 😀 that things aren't going to be perfect but as long as there is love and you're doing your best - thats enough. ❤

HV have had it in for first-time parents with dogs, for decades it would seem. When I was born, back in the '70s, my parents had two GSDS - a dog and a bitch. The HV who visited after I was born told my mother to get rid of the dogs (one was 5 or 6 and worked with my father in the military/security sector, and the other was 12 months old, and purchased with the intention of protecting the home when the older dog was absent) as they would "savage" me... My mother got rid of the HV, instead. In fairness, this was at the stage where GSDs, Dobermans and Rottweilers were still viewed with suspicion (the "devil dogs" era) - but my parents knew their dogs better than anyone else. For the next 10 years, those two dogs were effectively my "other" parents. The bitch decided that I was very much her baby, and often used to put herself between me and anything that she perceived as a threat to me - including my own mother on more than one occasion. It's been decades since they died - and I still think about them pretty much everyday. @elm26, one day that will - very hopefully - be your precious little girl, as an adult, remembering your daft Spaniel.

Actually, my youngest grew up with a Springer, too, who would gladly have gone to the ends of the earth to make "his boy" laugh. They are very good with children, in my personal experience - and they really do make the ideal "best friend" for any child. YOU know your dog better than some stranger who is working to a checklist (and not all HV are rubbish - mine was lovely, to a certain extent, and I also suffered badly with peri-natal depression, with both pregnancies, and suffered horrifically with the loss in utero of my youngest's twin/miscarriages between him and my oldest child). Just like YOU know your baby better than the HV does...

Most of parenting, I'd say is pure instinct - and a whole lot of luck! Not one of us is perfect, we all make mistakes, we all have thought that we were screwing our little ones up at some point, or another! Your HV needs to be someone that you trust enough to open up to if/when you need that added bit of support - not someone you can't confide in or ask for help/guidance. But you also need to have faith in your own abilities as a parent. Your husband sounds like the sort of rock you will need to be able to lean on as that little girl gets older and more mobile, so... at the risk of sounding somewhat cliched, I'd say: you've got this as figured out as it's going to be!

, and a whole lot of congratulations on the baby and the ridiculously besotted (judging from the look/stance of your dog next to you both) Spaniel!

A lot of them are really crap. I had a male hv who was a cpn who's got the job after he moved and there were no cpn jobs available.

He was useless, especially when I had mastitis. He later said he'd rather be a worm or a rabid dog than a breast-feeding woman. One of my ante natal group wanted to attach sandpaper to his nippled she hated him so much.

He also talked me into believing I had pnd in collusion with a crap childlinder. I was just knackered with an ebf 4 month old having a growth spurt.

Hopefully you'll be out of their clutches soon.

She sounds awful (and I work in the healthy child programme). Ask to have somebody different for your 6 week check and have a chat with the team leader. You can’t be the first person she’s upset.

Waking baby every 2 hours??

I had to wake DS every four hours, feed then express because he lost too much weight (or not, they later said they thought maybe they'd weighed him wrong...), we were in hospital so I didn't have to do anything else but care for DS and I massively struggled with the lack of sleep, and the constantly disturbed sleep. Every two hours seems bonkers.

I'll also say there was a nurse on the SCBU ward who took an instant dislike to me (I hadn't expressed overnight - nobody had suggested it, and I'd spent three days being induced, given birth, gone to theatre while baby went to SCBU, was full of drugs, and in no fit state to know what day it was...), so everything I did was wrong. Held DS wrong, changed his nappy wrong, tried to feed him wrong, shouted at me for taking a photo of him. I hadn't done anything wrong, as I found when we both back together and away from her, and nobody else criticised how I did any of those things.

Put in complaint and ask for a different HV I had twins who were formula fed I put them on my schedule ( can’t remember what it was now) but not every 2 hours as one of them took about an hour to take a bottle so they would have been a nightmare as I fed one at a time xx don’t let anyone upset you you are doing great

That’s a beautiful photo of you all. Ignore HV, mine was awful, told me what I was doing wrong etc. I’m a qualified nurse who worked in paeds at the time. I don’t like telling people what I do but had great delight in telling her to back off. And she never had any children of her own!