Health visitor has made me feel shit

[elm26]

Health visitor came and all she did is criticise.

2.5 week old baby is having too much formula (4oz every 3.5-4 hours) she's hungry and I'm not going to deny her it. I should be waking her every 2 and giving her 2oz apparently. She scared the life out of me saying if I let her sleep for 3-4 hours, she could go into a deep sleep and never come out of it (cot death).

She doesn't like the play mat that we have for her (just one of those soft ones with toys above) as we have a spaniel and apparently she should never be on the floor as we have a dog including for dog hair reasons. Spaniel is 8 years old, not boisterous, we NEVER leave them in the same room together, if she's on her mat one of us sits right next to her so dog can have a sniff of her head then he wanders off to lay down. They are ALWAYS supervised. I would never want any harm to come to her and it's also my responsibility as a dog owner to make sure he's calm and not stressed too. We've kept his routine the same, I put baby in sling and walk for an hour every morning and then DH takes him out for a further 30 minutes in evening. He seems happy and settled, no jealousy or warning signs.

The dog hair, what can I do? I literally Hoover every single day (1 bed flat so only takes 5 mins max), my flat is clean (I actually have OCD), I hate clutter, my DH has been great and we've been keeping on top of everything so it's not like she walked into a state, I'm proud of my home.

She doesn't like that we use the perfect prep machine for the bottles. I explained I can't breastfeed as at first she wouldn't latch despite numerous attempts and help from midwives and secondly my milk dried up so quickly. She was a tiny 5lb 15oz when she was born because my placenta stopped working and she stopped growing. I already feel guilty enough about this and honestly, enough was enough and I chucked in the towel and moved her to Aptamil to get some food into her. She is now 1lb over her birth weight and midwives say she is thriving. HV thinks we should be using the boiling water method.

Apparently I shouldn't have a Moses basket mattress protector under the Moses basket sheet. It's not padded or thick or anything like that, it's super thin and from Mamas and Papas for Moses baskets, surely they wouldn't sell if not safe?

She doesn't like how I held her, on my chest with her head tucked to one side. I do this as skin to skin for a couple of hours a night to make her feel secure and close. She said it's dangerous in case I fall asleep. I do this around 7pm with DH in the room with me.

I just feel like utter shit now. I had 13 miscarriages, this little girl is my whole world and my DH and I have felt on top of the world since having her and really thought we were doing a great job as a team. Obviously I'm never going to know it all and I'm also a first time Mum.

I've suffered horrifically with depression and anxiety in the past including inpatient treatment in a psychiatric hospital after my 13th miscarriage for severe depression and grief.

I was so proud of myself and DH for having this content baby who's put on weight, seems super healthy and we love her so much. I've booked in to start a baby massage/yoga/first aid and music class with her starting in a couple of weeks and now I'm dreading it in case others judge me.

I'm dreading her coming back 😢

Report her for making you feel terrible

She is indeed talking crap

I hate how they do this 💩

She’s talking absolute shit OP, request a new one.
you sound like an absolutely amazing mother ❤️
With the prep machine - they are not allowed to recommend it, as some babies have had issues with them. However if you clean it once a week, change the filter when prompted by the machine then the risk is very minimal, my DS is now 18 months old and we did not have an issue.
You are doing beautifully 💐

She sounds awful. My first one was, awful.

Op congratulations on your beautiful baby! You've been brave to persevere so far!

Re feeding, do get more advice. If your baby was very small, or prem, she may have different needs from other babies.

I had a teeny baby that needed to be fed every two hours. He may not have been strong enough to wake and cry if he didn't have enough.
Ditto my very big baby. I was warned not to let him sleep through in case he had trouble controlling his blood sugar levels.

So very big or very small/prem babies have different feeding needs from the average baby.

Everything else she's being completely unreasonable about.

Your doing great OP. Change HV. I did for my fourth DC after she was the HV for my third DC and was horrible. Didn't listen to anything I was concerned about (signs of a CMP allergy that the first two had had) told me it was colic, I knew it wasn't and got it sorted myself but when DC 4 came I rang when I got a letter to say the HV was coming out and asked if it was the same one.... it was so asked if I could change as I didn't get on with her. Wasn't an issue at all and the one I have for DC four is amazing. My first was also a pre term tiny (5lb 14) who lost weight so I was encouraged to wake her for feeds but only until she has got back up to birth weight. With all the rest I have fed on demand as you have been doing. Congratulations and enjoy

Saying all of this to you could put you over the edge

It's very unfair

Like if she saw something really wrong then yes - say something

Otherwise get out of the house and stay quiet

I disengaged with our health visitor on my third child. She was talking utter crap and I wasn't prepared to listen to the text book talk that was running me down. I genuinely suggest you do the same. You sound like you have everything sorted and your baby is happy and healthy.

i had some amazing health visitors and some utterly crap ones. What got me was their inconsistency- I used to go to a walk in clinic once a week as DD had some health issues. Not once did I receive the same advice. Growth was an issue so some of them would advise going to the docs/keeping a close eye, and some would shrug and say ‘you’re small too and she looks healthy’.

Op you don’t have to see the health visitor tell her not to come back. That is an absolute load of shite. Perfect prep are great, mattress protectors are fine, loads of people have dogs (wtf) and she’s worried you’ll fall asleep holding her. Should Have said you’re more likely to fall asleep listening to her crap. My little boy has a birth injury and was very ill when he was born and the health visitor kept ringing me to ask what was happening when I had so much to deal with it was a living hell. Last thing I needed was them! Don’t have her back.

surely they wouldn't sell if not safe?

Please don’t buy into this thinking, OP. They sell lots of things for babies that are not safe (cot bumpers, sleep nests etc.)

I’m not a mum but I have raised a few babies (long story!). As everyone else has said, the woman is a prat and is clearly pushing her own ideas onto the mums she visits. You look like you’re coping amazingly, your baby is beautiful, your dog is adorable.

Also, I did baby massage last year, he absolutely loved it. It was like the baby version of catnip. Highly recommended.

DD2 was a covid baby so no health visitors. I trusted my own instincts and it was great.

Haven’t rtft but remember you from your induction thread (think it’s you anyway!!) - congratulations on your beautiful baby ❤️

nothing useful to add as no experience but hv sounds a delight 🙄 tons of mums on here have good advice x

Congratulations OP on your baby girl. You look gorgeous and such a lovely picture.
Your HV sounds awful.
When I had my DD (16 years ago) my HV was great and when I mentioned she slept from 8pm until 6am, she said I was lucky to have a baby that would sleep. My DD was putting on weight, and all was fine. She had no concerns. My DD has always been a good sleeper. My DS's never slept so all babies are different.
Enjoy your little girl OP.

You and your baby girl and pup seem to be doing wonderfully. Dogs are actually a protective factor against certain allergies. Bring on the dog hair! Also google benefits if children having dogs. There are plenty. Maybe the HV doesn’t like animals - they’re just individuals so you get some that are brilliant and some that aren’t. It’s not you it’s her. Enjoy your precious baby. She’ll be on the move before you can blink. Also don’t feel like you can’t ask for another HV.

Beautiful photo you sound like you're doing a wonderful job, I'm sorry she made you feel that way. There's no need for abruptness when delivering sensitive advice.

my health visitor made me cry trying to pressurise me into bottle feeding and then left didn't even check I was ok, so much for being bothered about our mental health!

PLEASE anyone correct me if I’m wrong about any part of this (about to be a new mum!) but isn’t their bed being waterproof (obviously with an appropriately thin protector) an important criterion for a safe sleeping space according to the Lullaby Trust? This needs clarifying with the HV team OP if you have been told otherwise by this woman.

They follow a book. You don’t have to. I had similar when my youngest was small questioning the biscuit he had as a snack. Questioned his slow speech. He was just 2. At 4 he ticked every school box. Made me change his nappy in front of them. Asked why I couldn’t give him yogurt he was under a dietitian for a dairy allergy🙄 Congratulations on your baby enjoy her.

You are doing amazing OP, absolutely smashing it. Some HVs can be such witches, and most of them are beyond useless, which is just as bad.
Ignore and continue as you are xxx

1. Congratulations on your beautiful baby. It sounds like it's been a hard road.
2. You sound like you're doing a brilliant job.
3. I say this as a health professional- some HV are particularly badly trained and lacking in up to date knowledge of evidence based practice. I don't know why, but they are particularly bad as a profession. There are some fabulous ones, but just as many that have great gaps in skills and knowledge l
4. Please follow your instincts (I know from experience it can be hard as a first time mum, but mum really does know best in many scenarios). You are doing nothing against guidelines and what 1000s of mums are doing right now with their new babies.
5. Please consider making a complaint about this woman. She has belittled you and forced her stupid and inappropriate opinions on you. This is poor, poor practice and hugely unethical.
6. Please try not to let her knock your confidence. You are smashing this.

Your point about going into a deep sleep she won't wake up from is utterly vile, inaccurate and scare mongering. It has given me the absolute rage. This alone would be enough for me to raise a complaint. The consequences of peddling such nonsense could be significant. If you have a chilled baby who SLEEPS you are a lucky woman (totally jealous)

You are doing a great job. It's her not you

Ds has really bad jaundice so on the advice of the doctors looking after him I was to giving him breast and formula milk to help flush out the jaundice.

The doctors put him on some feeding plan and each day we was in the hospital the amount of formula would increase by day 5 he was on 3.5oz of formula and 1.5oz breast milk.
When the health visitor come she told me he was being over fed and wouldn't listen that the doctors already had him drinking 3.5oz of formula before we even went home. She pissed me off in the end I told her to go talk with the doctors that looked after Ds and tell them he was being over fed because they are the ones that told me how much to fed him and to carry on doing the same at home.

She sounds awful. I wished I'd given my DD formula top ups when she was a baby as she lost weight and was very skinny and I clearly wasn't making enough breast milk but they told me to stick with the breast milk. I wished I'd ignored them. She is now 10 and happy and healthy so it's obviously fine but still. You stick with what you're doing. Sounds like you're doing a great job. Smile and nod and get her out of there as soon as you can

My husband kicked our health visitor out after 5minutes as she made me cry. Said I was feeding my baby poison using formula as I couldn’t breast feed. My husband never ever cross but three days after giving birth and no sleep how dare she talk to me like that.
You sound like you’re doing a great job! X

Health Visitors here were crap. I’m so lucky I had my Mum on the end of the phone to tell me everything they had told me was bullshit. I never saw the same one twice. I remember one telling me “I’ll be your HV from now one” - never saw her again. She also, weirdly, asked me tons of questions about what it was like to have a girl after having a boy because she had 5 boys and was jealous. It was strange all round. I didn’t listen to a word they said. A total waste of everyone’s time, and money, which is a real shame when the NHS is as stretched as it is.

See four different health visitors? Get four different opinions. That was definitely my experience. Honestly - I’d go on the front foot. Phone up, say you saw someone who’s knocked your confidence and you’d appreciate a second opinion from someone else. To be fair, if you find someone who “gets you”, they actually can be helpful.