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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Health visitor has made me feel shit

342 replies

elm26 · 07/06/2023 20:18

Health visitor came and all she did is criticise.

2.5 week old baby is having too much formula (4oz every 3.5-4 hours) she's hungry and I'm not going to deny her it. I should be waking her every 2 and giving her 2oz apparently. She scared the life out of me saying if I let her sleep for 3-4 hours, she could go into a deep sleep and never come out of it (cot death).

She doesn't like the play mat that we have for her (just one of those soft ones with toys above) as we have a spaniel and apparently she should never be on the floor as we have a dog including for dog hair reasons. Spaniel is 8 years old, not boisterous, we NEVER leave them in the same room together, if she's on her mat one of us sits right next to her so dog can have a sniff of her head then he wanders off to lay down. They are ALWAYS supervised. I would never want any harm to come to her and it's also my responsibility as a dog owner to make sure he's calm and not stressed too. We've kept his routine the same, I put baby in sling and walk for an hour every morning and then DH takes him out for a further 30 minutes in evening. He seems happy and settled, no jealousy or warning signs.

The dog hair, what can I do? I literally Hoover every single day (1 bed flat so only takes 5 mins max), my flat is clean (I actually have OCD), I hate clutter, my DH has been great and we've been keeping on top of everything so it's not like she walked into a state, I'm proud of my home.

She doesn't like that we use the perfect prep machine for the bottles. I explained I can't breastfeed as at first she wouldn't latch despite numerous attempts and help from midwives and secondly my milk dried up so quickly. She was a tiny 5lb 15oz when she was born because my placenta stopped working and she stopped growing. I already feel guilty enough about this and honestly, enough was enough and I chucked in the towel and moved her to Aptamil to get some food into her. She is now 1lb over her birth weight and midwives say she is thriving. HV thinks we should be using the boiling water method.

Apparently I shouldn't have a Moses basket mattress protector under the Moses basket sheet. It's not padded or thick or anything like that, it's super thin and from Mamas and Papas for Moses baskets, surely they wouldn't sell if not safe?

She doesn't like how I held her, on my chest with her head tucked to one side. I do this as skin to skin for a couple of hours a night to make her feel secure and close. She said it's dangerous in case I fall asleep. I do this around 7pm with DH in the room with me.

I just feel like utter shit now. I had 13 miscarriages, this little girl is my whole world and my DH and I have felt on top of the world since having her and really thought we were doing a great job as a team. Obviously I'm never going to know it all and I'm also a first time Mum.

I've suffered horrifically with depression and anxiety in the past including inpatient treatment in a psychiatric hospital after my 13th miscarriage for severe depression and grief.

I was so proud of myself and DH for having this content baby who's put on weight, seems super healthy and we love her so much. I've booked in to start a baby massage/yoga/first aid and music class with her starting in a couple of weeks and now I'm dreading it in case others judge me.

I'm dreading her coming back 😢

OP posts:
SummerSimmer · 07/06/2023 20:39

Your baby sounds very happy and content.

Greenfree · 07/06/2023 20:40

She sounds terrible, it sounds like your doing a fan job! I used the prep machine and found it awesome, all I had to do was take the bottle out of the steriliser, add power and hey presto the machine did the rest.

My DD loved Aptamil and I switched her to the hungrier babies version as she always seemed hungry😅 the ready made versions were great during the summer too.

Enjoy this amazing time and request a different health visitor as it sounds like she just told you her preference rather than what's actually safe.

BreatheAndFocus · 07/06/2023 20:40

I swear some HVs get a kick out of making women feel crap. Ignore her. I had one like that and I made a complaint about her and asked that she didn’t return. With my last DC, the HV was nasty but in a more underhand way - being all syrupy sweet while implying I was struggling. I found that worse actually. Out of the 3 I had, only one was ok. She was lovely.

Put it out of your mind. Congratulations on your precious baby. You’re doing great xx

Deadringer · 07/06/2023 20:40

She is full of shit! It sounds like you are doing a great job with your little one. I was told my babies were too light, too heavy, wearing too many clothes, not wearing enough clothes, feeding too often, not feeding often enough. Somehow I managed to raise all 5 of them successfully. What a beautiful picture op. Congrats and enjoy your baby, you are doing amazingly well.

TheOutnetReturns · 07/06/2023 20:40

Also a friend of mine had life-threatening PND but is the sort of person who withholds. She worked up the courage to say a little bit about what she was feeling and the HV said words to the affect of “what have you got to worry about? I deal mostly with poor people .. they’d give anything to live in a house like this ..”.

Absolutely no insight whatsoever or compassion as to the human condition.

Working class (who may well have had a good support network) = I will take note of their depression

Middle class = what on earth are you in about? You’re lucky. You’re lucky because I said so.

vipersnest1 · 07/06/2023 20:40

I was lucky and had a great health visitor many years ago, who had her head screwed on the right way round and gave great advice.
Yours sounds a bit power-crazy and far too evangelical about her beliefs.
Ignore her. The implication that your baby will be damaged by a strand or two of dog hair is enough on its own to not want to see her again IMO.
It sounds like you're doing great. Flowers

mynameiscalypso · 07/06/2023 20:41

Just don't see her again. I saw my HV once after my DS was born and then never could be bothered again. He's nearly 4 now, his life has not been negatively impacted in any way. You sound like you're doing a great job.

Flowersandherbs · 07/06/2023 20:41

@Opaque11 this!!! They’re essentially spies I think to identify vulnerable babies in filthy conditions etc. that why they prattle on about nonsense because they don’t really have purpose in most homes. Like does anyone get through 10 months of pregnancy without researching how to look after a baby?

thehistorymum · 07/06/2023 20:41

You are doing great and sounds like your little one is thriving to me! 💖

MakesMeFeelSad · 07/06/2023 20:41

Ignore her and request another one, all mine have been lovely .

Beautiful picture I think you should give the out of control dog to me! 😃

Mammamia2023 · 07/06/2023 20:42

Omg @elm26 what a load of rubbish i did most of what u do word for word, with a giant horse of a dog at the time and my dd is now a very happy, kind and bright 7 year old! Perfect prep, moses basket with mattress and all the above never did her any harm at all. You are doing a great job you sound and by the way you are looking at your beautiful daughter, an amazing loved up mama! Don’t let one jobsworth get you down. I was lucky with my health visitors but i heard some horrendous stories at the baby groups! Keep your chin up and do you ❤️

Gettingbysomehow · 07/06/2023 20:43

My health visitor was rubbish too. She'd sit in my garden smoking!!!!! Then criticise everything. I had 4 cats at the time and none of them harmed him. Neither did the fur. Trust your own instincts. I was only 21 when I had DS and knew nothing. He's a strapping 40 year old now so .
My instincts must have been spot on.

BellaTheDarkOverlord · 07/06/2023 20:43

We have a weekly nurse visit for dd who is 10 weeks old. She's weighed today at 6lb5 and takes 4oz every 3-4 hours which nurses very happy with. They weigh her weekly and are happy with the 4oz every 4 hours and don't suggest waking her up at all. They are happy with Moses basket, perfect prep machine and all my cats bouncing around. Don't worry about HV. I found they all had conflicting advice.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2023 20:44

elm26 · 07/06/2023 20:31

Thank you so much everyone I'm so grateful.

I'm just worried if I refuse their visits that they may think something dodgy is going on. I will phone and request a different HV for my next appt and make sure I mention how awful she made me feel.

You refusing another visit is not grounds for them to accuse you of anything. Stand up for yourself and refuse their services. You don't need them.

Shrubb157 · 07/06/2023 20:44

You’re not doing anything wrong, sounds like you’re bossing it actually.

Phone and request another one for next time and tell them why.

Your dog is so cute!

GettingStuffed · 07/06/2023 20:44

My son was a hungry baby, he's now 6'5". My daughter fed every 2 hours and only took a small amount. They both survived to adulthood

TheOutnetReturns · 07/06/2023 20:45

Aw! Just seen your photo. You look the picture of health. All 3 of you. Gorgeous little bundle. And the baby’s not bad either 😂😉

Whyohwhyohwhy123 · 07/06/2023 20:45

I had a midwife who I saw frequently postnatal my who made me feel like shit and told me I was killing my baby. Really wasn’t
My HV was fab
I wish I’d complained about the midwife so if you feel upto it complain.
You look amazing for 2 weeks pp and the only thing is to buy the branded filters for the perfect prep and change exactly to schedule but I’m sure you know that anyway. I’m sure there was a survey done which said perfect prep was fine if cleaned and branded filters used.
Go and enjoy the baby classes no one will judge they’ll be too busy with their own babies

MrsCarson · 07/06/2023 20:46

Love the picture. You look so happy.
Ignore the HV she's batshit. I've had enough babies (foster parent to 15 + my own three) you are doing a great job. He's happy, he's gaining weight and you watch him round the dog. Bingo, can't get any better. She's looking for something she can say you're doing wrong, don't let her knock your confidence.

JennyForeigner · 07/06/2023 20:46

Our oldest son was born with meningitis, requiring an extended hospital stay. For some reason two visitors from health services turned up on the day after we finally got out. (I never got to the bottom of how they were different).

For two hours they quietly hissed at each other about how they did everything differently from measuring the baby to advice on having the baby downstairs in the evening. It was surreal but quite quite mad. Weirdly reassuring though in that I had postnatal anxiety and OCD and couldn't worry too much about any one way of doing things after that.

We have a family rule that the thing people don't say enough to new mums is the first thing you should say. You're doing great 👍

Nimblesandbimbles · 07/06/2023 20:47

Gorgeous pic of you all OP. Honestly my experience of health visitors is at best they tell you what you already know & at worst they make you feel shit! It’s a complete tick box exercise. If I had another baby I would opt out. They added absolutely nothing. Sorry for your losses & congratulations on your gorgeous baby!

ClaudeMyWinkleman · 07/06/2023 20:48

How dare she make you feel like that, you're doing an amazing job. That awful woman however is utterly shit at her job. She is supposed to make you feel supported and looked after yourself in this vulnerable time.

Either ask for another or refuse future visits. All our responses I how will give you the confidence to know that is ok. An army of women and mothers here against one health visitor.

DD2 went 3-4hrs between feeds from birth. For both DDs we have a dog, we have a playmat on the floor and a mad as a hatter cockapoo, we use perfect prep machine and cuddle into our chests. Our health visitors have supported our choices and been really lovely. You've been so unfortunate with yours, please don't let the bastard get you down 🙂

GoodChat · 07/06/2023 20:49

Rule #1 of health visitors: ignore pretty much everything they say.

What a beautiful family! OP you're looking fantastic, especially to say you have such a young baby and a wild beast of a hound to control!

Grapewrath · 07/06/2023 20:49

Ignore the HV
You are doing beautifully and you don’t need her advice
Opt out of further visits

Beenhereageskeepchangingname · 07/06/2023 20:49

I do sometimes wonder if they arrive at peoples home in a bad mood 😒

mine also didn’t like that my baby slept three hours in a row and demanded I woke up a sleeping baby - errrrrrr that’s a hard no from me.

bat shit some of them

only good news is you probably won’t see them for dust now - think I only got one visit