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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not taking my children to see their grandparents?

342 replies

Herringbone1 · 06/06/2023 23:57

For context my children are primary school age. We have a busy life (like most parents with young children) activities, full time jobs then throw in housework, trying to shoehorn in some family days together etc. leaves very little time for much else. Grandparents are retired and do very little aside from casual hobbies. Don’t drive. Live around an hour away but make very little effort to have a relationship with their grandsons. No significant health issues that would prevent them from visiting.

AIBU I’m not taking my children on a 2 hour round trip to see them when they make such little effort? I feel guilty thinking well maybe I should try more but I then I think well why can’t they get public transport to come see us? Why is it my responsibility to encourage their relationship? They made the choice not to drive, not me.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/06/2023 00:04

So a 2 hour round car trip is too much but a probably 4+ round trip on unreliable public transport is fine?

I mean ymnbu if they show no interest I seeing your kids or having a relationship with them.

But tabu to say "why should I drive an hour each way when there's perfectly unreliable public transport that will take at leat twice as long and leave the GPS limited to what time they can come cos it's less effort for me"

Original poster
Herringbone1 · 07/06/2023 00:09

SleepingStandingUp · 07/06/2023 00:04

So a 2 hour round car trip is too much but a probably 4+ round trip on unreliable public transport is fine?

I mean ymnbu if they show no interest I seeing your kids or having a relationship with them.

But tabu to say "why should I drive an hour each way when there's perfectly unreliable public transport that will take at leat twice as long and leave the GPS limited to what time they can come cos it's less effort for me"

Probably take them approx 50 minutes on public transport so marginally quicker, a lot less stress for them than me dragging the kids out, entertaining them in the car etc And it would be cheaper than my fuel costs.
In terms of their effort they do nothing other than wait for me to visit them 🤷🏻‍♀️ if I don’t go they don’t see them. I just don’t see why it’s my responsibility on top of everything else I have going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Herringbone1 · 07/06/2023 00:12

SleepingStandingUp · 07/06/2023 00:04

So a 2 hour round car trip is too much but a probably 4+ round trip on unreliable public transport is fine?

I mean ymnbu if they show no interest I seeing your kids or having a relationship with them.

But tabu to say "why should I drive an hour each way when there's perfectly unreliable public transport that will take at leat twice as long and leave the GPS limited to what time they can come cos it's less effort for me"

And I also think if it was my grandchildren I’d do whatever I needed to do in order to see them.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/06/2023 00:13

Your parents or his?

If they make no effort out side of visits I can see why you cba

Original poster
Herringbone1 · 07/06/2023 00:14

SleepingStandingUp · 07/06/2023 00:13

Your parents or his?

If they make no effort out side of visits I can see why you cba

Mine. Other side are great!

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 07/06/2023 00:15

Wow, that’s harsh.

Original poster
Herringbone1 · 07/06/2023 00:16

HeddaGarbled · 07/06/2023 00:15

Wow, that’s harsh.

As in I’m harsh? How? Surely they’re the harsh ones for never making any effort 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 07/06/2023 00:20

These are your parents? Do you not even want to see them yourself?

Dibbydoos · 07/06/2023 00:38

You do know that without your DPs you wouldn't be here and neither would you DCs don't you?

Once they're dead will you be OK not making an effort to see them?

IMO YABU. Go see your parents fgs.

HerMammy · 07/06/2023 01:24

Only on MN is a one hour drive a monumental task.

MistyMountainTop · 07/06/2023 01:32

Only 5 replies to your post before the guilt mongering "you'll be sorry when they're dead" arrives.

EsmeT · 07/06/2023 01:40

My daughter has crap grandparents on both sides, there is no way I would make the effort for someone who doesn't make it back. You're being reasonable.

10Minutestobedtime · 07/06/2023 01:42

Could you maybe invite them ti your house for lunch?

AngelAurora · 07/06/2023 01:54

It works both ways, you are basically alienating your children from their Grandparents.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 07/06/2023 02:01

I take my DC to their sports games and I see other grandparents sitting on the side, cheering them on. My DP never came to mine, let alone their DGC, but they do make an effort in other ways, would take DGC in day trips to botanic garden, zoo, picnics etc.

As an aunt I've been to (some) of my DNs sporting events, school plays etc. showing support is what you do?

If their only interest is "YOU come to see ME. I am not going out of my way to support you or show interest in anything you do" then yeah, is not be visiting all that much.

Groutyonehereagain · 07/06/2023 02:03

YABU. They don’t drive, they’re getting on, please make more effort for your DC’s sake.

FrozenGhost · 07/06/2023 02:14

Sorry but yabu. An hour drive isn't much. No one is saying you have to go three times a week. Visit once or twice a month.

SnowyPetals · 07/06/2023 03:46

What did you do before you had the children in terms of seeing your parents? Surely it's just an extension of that? Did you not visit them yourself? I don't think it's too much of an ask to visit them say once a month. If they don't visit you themselves in between then that's on them, but an hour in the car is hardly an epic journey, your DC don't need "entertaining". My parents live four hours up the motorway from me. My DC have been making that trip their entire lives and are fine in the car. I think you're being a bit precious to think an hour is too far.

Throwncrumbs · 07/06/2023 03:49

I can’t see how an hours drive for you is only 50 mins via public transport for them, is it by supersonic jet?

fridaynight1 · 07/06/2023 03:52

Team GP.
An hours drive isn’t much. Public transport would take significantly longer.

Dontsparethehorses · 07/06/2023 04:20

But if public transport is quicker why don’t you take public transport too? I think I would want to make the effort even if it’s only every few months

JandalsAlways · 07/06/2023 04:25

To me, it's your kids missing out so I'd do it

Hearti · 07/06/2023 04:34

try regularly inviting them to yours for Sunday lunch on specific dates. They are fit and healthy so mobile enough to navigate transport. It’s such a small way they can help, considering they are time rich.

Hearti · 07/06/2023 04:37

how old are they? A spritely 65 year old is a million miles from a 100 year old with zimmer frame!

Tourmalines · 07/06/2023 04:37

You don’t need to entertain your kids in the car . They are old enough to just sit . Once a month wouldn’t hurt you .