Not taking my children to see their grandparents?

[Herringbone1]

For context my children are primary school age. We have a busy life (like most parents with young children) activities, full time jobs then throw in housework, trying to shoehorn in some family days together etc. leaves very little time for much else. Grandparents are retired and do very little aside from casual hobbies. Don’t drive. Live around an hour away but make very little effort to have a relationship with their grandsons. No significant health issues that would prevent them from visiting.

AIBU I’m not taking my children on a 2 hour round trip to see them when they make such little effort? I feel guilty thinking well maybe I should try more but I then I think well why can’t they get public transport to come see us? Why is it my responsibility to encourage their relationship? They made the choice not to drive, not me.

I agree with you OP. If they're not bothered then why should you make all the effort?

That’s what I thought, how is that even possible? Unless in London, where going by tube could be quicker than driving.

One hour isn’t far at all. Though I do think OP should also ask her parents to visit them sometimes, explaining it’s fairer to share the burden of travel. It’s hard to imagine how this situation ever developed in the first place. Surely at one time the parents used to visit their daughter, so at what point did they suddenly decide they weren’t doing that any more? It probably should have been addressed years ago.

My inlaws only visited if we issued a formal invite, it was ridiculous.
We had a 2 hour drive each way to see them.
Interestingly once my dsil had dc inlaws visited other dgc regularly. They lived further away than us too.

Your retired parents sound disinterested.
I love a train ride.

I’ve been that person dealing with grandparents who want me/us to do all the driving. It absolutely sucks.

A healthy relationship (between you and them and between your kids and them) requires it to be both ways for as long as both parties are able, but don’t use them not coming as leverage on why you don’t. It isn’t tit for tat. Simply leave enough time between your own trips that they can plan their own trip over. Invite them over for tea, so the kids can show off something, etc. Encourage the kids in these invitations too.

As a PP said too - the kids are old enough to self entertain. Give them a bin to fill for the trip and go. It’s annoying and a time suck to do all the driving but they are old enough now that their entertainment need not be one of your burdens.

We're in a similar situation, but we take the kids down as often as we can. It's an hour long drive for us, and the cost of petrol. It's a 2 and a half hour train journey for them, which costs about £60, unless they can book well in advance. Neither of them really need to drive anymore as both work from home and they hate it anyway.
My boys love visiting, and it's a change of scenery for me, and a bit of a break. Plus, I do enjoy seeing them too.
Although they are coming down to us soon for the first time in years, so it may yet happen for you too.
I do think YABU a bit though, although I can understand why.

I get it OP, my parents came to my house 3 times in 10 years despite being retired, we worked full time and had young primary school aged children.
They absolutely could not consider coming to us, they wanted to sit there like Lord and Lady of the Manor and await a visit from the serfs 🤣
I have been NC for a while now (other reasons but they all add up) and not having to go and see them means we have gained half a day every weekend to do something else, perfect!

I’d try alternating, maybe drive one month, the next month invite them over, if they don’t accept then visit every two months.

An hour each way is nothing. Give them a book and some drawing stuff - that’s what we do.

Why is that ridiculous? Who would drive 2 hours on the off chance the person they were visiting were in? And so many people moan about guests just dropping by these days. Of course they waited for you to invite them!

Aah another amazingly committed grandparent with no grandkids.

I don’t understand why they don’t drive? Are they 90+

What was your relationship with your parents like before you had kids?

I don't blame you OP.

We are on month 5 of not going to see MIL, my argument is if she wants to see DD that much she knows where we live.

In what way would you be dragging the children out of the house? They are primary age, you just tell them where you’re going and then you all get in the car.

GPs can't win on MN - they're either slagged off for being too involved or slagged off for not being involved enough.
We lived 200 miles from my GPs but my mum drove us up every other weekend to see them.
Take your kids OP. An hour is nothing. Grandparents can be a very special part of a child's life.

Are they aware that you are incredibly busy and holding back on making more demands on your time?
I’m retired with adult DC’s (no grandchildren yet). I used to not phone them very much as I knew they were busy and didn’t want to take their precious spare time. I thought it was easier if they phoned when it was convenient for them, as I had more time to be disturbed.

They soon put me right on this, but could it be something similar with your parents?

As they don't have a car I think you should make the effort. My parents live 6 hours away but we visit them every 2 months - either driving or by public transport. They're my parents! I'd never not visit them.
They did occasionally visit in the past but now it's too hard for them. It was always easier for us to go there than them come to us. We're very busy too but it's about priorities. Some people only view their kids grandparents in terms of how much they're doing for them and their kids. I like to think of how much we can do for them.

I honestly don't think that anyone's lives are too busy that you cannot put aside one afternoon to go and see your parents. I would be quite interested to see what would happen if it was your children not coming to see you.

It's a two-way thing, and it sounds to me as though you are responding in kind because they never visit you.

I'd invite them over, and once they have come (if they do), plan a return visit and then alternate.

This is what I was thinking. My mum often has to be told it's ok to phone me whenever and if I can answer, I will! Formal invitations to come need to be issued, which works fine by me as I have two little ones. We see each other all the time, but we did pre children too.

I think any trip is easier when you can drive it. I also think driving for an hour to visit someone is absolutely nothing at all. But then you sound like someone who'd complain if they started popping round every weekend too. I think you don't particularly want to see them but feel guilty about that so have found a way to blame them. No way I'd expect my parents to do a two hour round trip on a bus if I could hop in a car.

I think you are being unreasonable. Why can't you visit and have a family day together but include the GPS - go somewhere nearby that the kids will enjoy and kill two birds with one stone. One hour away in a car is really nothing!

Can you invite them to you every other time so you’re taking it in turns? If you invite them maybe they would come?

Totally depends on the grandparents here! People saying 'grandparents can be a special part of their lives' and 'you need to facilitate that relationship' must have a good experience of grandparents.

If GPs are otherwise involved and INTERESTED in GC - calling / asking after them / involved and when you visit they plan activities or actively engage, then an hour's drive each way is not a big deal. If they can't be arsed / make no effort then I wouldn't be doing this trip very often.

Really? You can't understand why someone wouldn't drive other than old age?

ill-health?
problems with vision?
the costs involved with car ownership?
not needing to day to day?
just not wanting to?

Neither of my parents drive. One never learnt due to financial reasons when younger, and then has never felt the need to. One did learn and pass their test, absolutely hated driving and hasn't done it for decades.

OP if you feel they're not putting the effort in but you don't want to cut contact then an above suggestion is good; invite them every other month, if they don't come then you're just travelling to them every 8 weeks which isn't bad for only an hours drive.