Not taking my children to see their grandparents?

[Herringbone1]

For context my children are primary school age. We have a busy life (like most parents with young children) activities, full time jobs then throw in housework, trying to shoehorn in some family days together etc. leaves very little time for much else. Grandparents are retired and do very little aside from casual hobbies. Don’t drive. Live around an hour away but make very little effort to have a relationship with their grandsons. No significant health issues that would prevent them from visiting.

AIBU I’m not taking my children on a 2 hour round trip to see them when they make such little effort? I feel guilty thinking well maybe I should try more but I then I think well why can’t they get public transport to come see us? Why is it my responsibility to encourage their relationship? They made the choice not to drive, not me.

You get back what you put in. My DC's grandparents lived 6hour round trip away from us and not once did they spend more than an hour or so with us over the 20 years of my DC growing up. We made some effort to go as a family to see them but it always grated. We even found out on the odd occasion that they had visited our home city and not even let us know.

Fast forward to now and grandmother has unfortunately passed away and lonely grandfather cant understand why his GC cant be arsed to even talk to him. They dont know him and i cant forget.

In this day and age a fit and healthy grandparent can easily make the effort to be part of a grandchilds life if they want to.

I remember my DS at about 4 or 5yrs old being told Grandad and Grandmother were visiting. I remember clearly him sat on the doorstep waiting for them in his pyjamas holding his teddy excited. I also remember his grandmother calling and cancelling so she could go to the bingo with her sister that night and the tears on my boys face.

Not all grandparents are up to the job.

It doesn't sound as if you like your parents very much? How do they interact with your DC when they do see them?

Mine didn't visit us either. Same travel time to theirs. Mum didn't drive, dad did, but mum was very anxious and wouldn't hear of him driving to us. Public transport was pretty inaccessible too. They were very engaged GPs though, always plotting and planning what they could do with them or get for them. My kids adored them and were adored right back.

So in spite of a busy life just like yours OP, I took the kids to them every other Saturday. Sadly their happy relationship was shortlived as both GPs passed away by the time my eldest was only 9. They weren't close to the other side either, and they both died within a few years of mine, so they have sadly had barely any grandparents in their lives.

I'm just glad they got to enjoy the grandchildren they'd waited a long time for, even if it was only for 9 short years.

In your shoes, I'd do it for the sake of your children. Unless they're rotten GPs...

This sounds like my in-laws who adore their grandchildren and want to make the most of their time with them. Sorry to hear they passed away when your children were so young.
If this was my in laws that I am talking about I wouldn’t hesitate to jump in the car and make the journey as I know how much it would mean to them and to the children.

I wouldn’t say I don’t like my parents but I’m (obviously) not close to them either for various reasons (of which I won’t share on here as it would be too outing). It’s a complicated situation. I do not judge their life style choices (outwardly anyway) and I can objectively understand why people make the decisions they do and I respect that. I’m just a very different person and that’s okay too.

In terms of their interaction, they will speak to the children and make a bit of an effort with them when they’re there (if they’re not looking at screens - GPS this is). There’s zero effort outside of this though.

I am struggling to see why I should shoulder the full responsibility of their relationship with their grandchildren.

Op....i had a very similar situation with my parents and children. My sons got to a certain age and just didn't want to see my mum anymore. They are closer to my dad. My mum died last year..... hadn't seen my boys for two years. They now regret not seeing her before she passed. Communication takes both sides to make an effort x

That is so awful 😞

My childrens grandparents live about a 3 minute drive across our village but they only see them a few times a year. They won’t see them unless we bring them to them and when it suits them so I stopped bothering last year.

@Herringbone1 I haven’t said they aren’t physically capable of using public transport, I have stated my opinion of I wouldn’t personally expect them to use it.. very manipulative and I wonder if this is why they don’t want to make as much effort considering your attitude towards/about them.

you came on here asking for advice, just because I have given advice (from our own situation and also from what you’ve posted) don’t get bitchy at the people who disagree 😂 no point asking if YABU and then when people on here saying you are slightly yes you see your arse🤷‍♀️

if you have a car, I would personally take the children one a month or once every couple of months, that way they still know them and have relationship! I really don’t understand all of this “they don’t make an effort with me bla bla bla” for the sake of the children grow up, there always the ones who miss out In circumstances like this!

@MistyMountainTop hardly😂 I said I personally wouldn’t expect them to have to use public transport especially if I had a car sat outside my house.. literally don’t see how you going to work has anything to do with this🤔 nice way of twisting it tho😉

Not all grandparents are interested in being hands on grandparents!

My inlaws rarely make an effort then moan about how my parents see the grandkids more often despite living 200 miles away!

We are super busy with 3 kids but if they wanted to meet up we would make time.

Why not just invite them over and if they don't want to come then no worries.

Thank you x.

The way I see it is, you would be doing it for your children more so than for your parents?

Everything my parents did for me makes me happy to make the effort so that they don't have to now

Maybe your in-laws read MN and know that especially as they're 'her' in-laws they have to tread very carefully and wait for an invitation. I never just drop in on my daughter's family even if I'm driving past their road, I always phone first to see if it's convenient.

You can always tell who can't fathom having a less than wonderful relationship with parents/grandparents when this topic comes up 😂 not everyone loves their parents unconditionally!
I haven't spoken to my dad in months, and he hasn't seen my DD since maybe Christmas. I have zero interest in making the effort, he doesn't bother so why should I?
I don't think you're unreasonable at all OP, if people want to be involved in your life they make the effort, end of.

Well I was firmly in your corner until you suggested that anyone who doesn't drive must have "pissed their money up the wall". Nice.

I nearly started a thread like this myself! I'm not sure if you are or not but I'm basically you OP in a lot of ways.

My parents drive, live only a 10 minute drive from me and are at the pub on the next street to me almost every weekend but never think to pop in to see their grandkids for an hour before they go drinking. Same with my sibling. Lives 10 min drive, never visits, always at the pub with my parents on my doorstep. I now don't bother as much myself, I know my parents are thinking that as I now have a car why don't I drive to see them at the weekend but AIBU to say if I know you're at the pub on the doorstep and haven't bothered to see us for weeks/over a month then why should I make effort? I do hold resentment. My father was an abusive guy (only to me)who drank a lot. No longer abusive but drinks every weekend and sometimes week nights. I feel because of my past they should make an effort to show me they care and that most people in my situation would have walked away long ago but they don't make effort. My sibling is full of herself. If conversation and attention isn't on her then she's eye rolling and she's passive aggressive to me (she's child free). I don't blame you op

I think it depends a little on the details - if we’re talking about a couple in their 80’s or a couple with health problems, then YABU to not drive to see them. If they’re fit and younger - 50’s/60’s, then they’re being rubbish making you do all the running. Assuming they know they’re welcome at yours, they can travel to see you with all their retired free time! Not driving was their choice and shouldn’t mean everyone else has to come to them. It should be equal.

No idea why you’re being so aggressive.

It’s an extremely commonly held view that inviting yourself to someone’s home is rude and imposing. Particularly when it comes to grandparents! We see it on here literally all the time.

It’s really not that weird that they waited for an invite before visiting.

🙄 Re-read my posts. Nowhere have I said “everyone who can’t drive has clearly pissed their money up the wall”.

I agree! I honestly don’t think some people comprehend having difficult relationships with their parents and how tricky this is to navigate. I envy them.

Oh that's really sad. I actually felt like crying when I read that.

We used to pick grandparents up every other Sunday morning (50 minute drive) so they could spend the day with us. Sometimes we would all go out and sometimes have a roast dinner and quiet day at home. Then drive them back.
no matter how busy you are you can find time for things that matter - if you really want to.

we have a few family relationships that often more prompted by myself then by the family members and it is so tedious to keep doing.

Every now and again I go on strike and just don’t message or call to see how long before we hear from them and just carry on with my life

the kids don’t really notice but at the same time I feel it’s important for there to be some form of connection but I think this is more because of my guilt

no wrong or right answer

Do it for your kids.

Your kids might actually have the relationship with your parents that you have never had?