Not taking my children to see their grandparents?

[Herringbone1]

For context my children are primary school age. We have a busy life (like most parents with young children) activities, full time jobs then throw in housework, trying to shoehorn in some family days together etc. leaves very little time for much else. Grandparents are retired and do very little aside from casual hobbies. Don’t drive. Live around an hour away but make very little effort to have a relationship with their grandsons. No significant health issues that would prevent them from visiting.

AIBU I’m not taking my children on a 2 hour round trip to see them when they make such little effort? I feel guilty thinking well maybe I should try more but I then I think well why can’t they get public transport to come see us? Why is it my responsibility to encourage their relationship? They made the choice not to drive, not me.

Did you historically tend to visit elderly relatives - rather than them coming to you? As a child I was dragged off to visit umpteen elderly relatives at weekends and during school holidays - none of them child friendly. It was very boring and I hated it. They showed little interest in children and you just had to sit there and behave. But my Mum wasn’t working so it was how she filled the time!

Bearing in mind some of these people retired in their 50s and were already behaving as ‘elderly’!

Do they have a family expectation that it’s always the younger members of the family who do the travelling to the older members?

Meanwhile I work full time, I’m tired at weekends and I want to spend time with DH and DD. I have no desire to haul DD off to see people who show no interest in her (my Mum pretends interest when her friends are around, then ignores her the rest of the time) and I’m not wasting my precious free time doing it.

It all sounds terribly sad as I love seeing my one and only grand daughter, and love feeding her chocolate when her mum (my daughter) isn’t looking. I always took my kids to see their grandparents as I wanted them to experience everything they possibly could, but all families are different I know and some people don’t appreciate what they have got until relationships completely break down. My mum now has dementia but she looked after both of my children when they were little and they both go to the home to see her, which I am pleased about.

I had word for word the same experience and the grandparents apart from one ignored is completely. It didn’t do much for my def esteem and I would have preferred to be anywhere else. As a result my dc are never forced anywhere.

That is a strong statement that they make no effort? What effort level are you expecting? We used to drive to my parents about an hour away when my two were small, they would invite other family as well so we all had a meal together, saved on money and going out to a restaurant. Also both sets of grandparents are very different, my in laws made loads of fuss that they wanted to look after them once a week and take them out and stopped travelling 45 minutes over there on a regular basis to have a cup of tea! 😂 My parents have moved 4 hours away now in the last two years, thinking everyone would go and visit regularly, which isn’t happening!! It sounds like your Mum and Dad are just not hell bent on visiting on a regular basis, also you don’t want to see the in laws too often as it gets too intense if you are bitter about your own parents! Perhaps don’t let it stress you out and just think about it for a while, perhaps if you plan the visit in advance, or even meet them half way for lunch…👍 a nice day out for you all and plan the next one in 8 weeks or over the summer holidays!

I hate the guilt trips on MN, yes we wouldn’t be here without our parents but we wouldn’t be aware of that would we? Yes they could be dead soon but mine make such little effort with me and my kids that if they died tomorrow if would impact my life very little. My parents live 90 minutes away (drive) and I try to visit once every six weeks but that’s all the effort I’m putting in, it’s a shit drive involving the M25 and M11 and it has to be a whole day thing. Over the years I’ve invited them here for the day (so a lot of driving for me as they don’t drive) or to stay overnight including christmases/birthdays and they decline because my Mum “doesn’t like staying over anywhere”. So I’ve given up and will make minimal effort whilst totally not feeling guilty for it.

Do what you have to do op x

I stopped making the effort in lock down
was sending photos, got my children to ring them up and chat to them, and all I got I return was texts going on about how bored they were and upset they couldn’t see their friends (not bothered about seeing their only grandchildren) so I stopped , 3 years later there is no interest from them I get the occasional colouring book through the post with a card that informs us all about them, my children are in secondary school they ask why grandmas is sending colouring books! You can’t force interest if it is not there

Yes - their loss, not yours. You would be a total mug to continue facilitating such indifference and moreover giving your children poor self worth and esteem as grandparents can be harmful, directly and indirectly. Horrible people that age and are old are still horrible - they don’t go through a magical Father Christmas transformation at seventy!

Well they were the same with me so I know how it feels I am not inflicting it on my children , at least they won’t grow up thinking there is something wrong with them like I did

It is a sad thought to facilitate a damaging relationship on your children. I would rather my children were protected from feeling ignore/rejected.

If your in-laws were driving, I would not think it unreasonable to expect them to visit occasionally. However, getting to you by public transport would, I am sure, take more than 1 hour each way. Driving to my Mum's was an hour's journey each way, but getting public transport took slightly less than 3 hours each way.

I therefore think you are being unreasonable. At least you could make the journey every couple of months or so.

OP has already said that the rail journey takes 50 minutes. Why are there so many people who don’t know that rail journeys. can be quicker than driving?

I’m not sure why people are struggling to comprehend that a train journey can be faster than driving in a car. Especially when the station is walking distance. A train from one city to another is much faster than a car sitting in traffic at both ends/traffic lights/30mph roads etc.

Actually the thing I picked up on most is that they smoke. So if they come to you they cannot smoke inside, as they are used to. Then they are outside smoking, so you don't feel you see them. They may not like smoking around the GCs, no idea. I am an ex smoker so do get the whole thing about something that was once seen as "cool" now ostrasises those who bought into the total blanket advertising and got seriously addicted. My grandmother was even recommended smoking for morning sickness when she had my DM!!! But as I said before, the only way to resolve this is to have a conversation with them. Ask - do they want to see the DCs? If so how can you work it out. Your relationship with them is different to that with your DCs and you need to seperate this for your own MH and everyones happiness. Mumsnet is not your answer. Talking to your parents is.

You MIGHT try asking your DC what THEY'D like to do. Maybe they would rather spend their time in the car knowing that there is a lovely visit at the end of it, then constantly being carted around all week for sports that they might not even be INTERESTED in. If you can cart them back and forth to all of those "activities", you can surely visit your Parents every few months, and like the others have said, if your children are able to participate in sports, then they do NOT need to be "entertained". That sounds like something that YOU came up with to make it seem like taking them to see their GPs is soooooo "difficult". It's not. Hell, SOME people drive an hour to and from work, 5 days a week, and get through it just fine. And perhaps they don't drive because everything they need is close by, which keeps them from having to make a car payment, pay for car insurance, maintenance, etc... Maybe with their income, they are trying to keep costs low?

Once you have taken them a couple of times, THEN see if your parents make the effort to be in touch with your children. Maybe they feel that your DC don't WANT to see them, and maybe YOU give off that impression too. If you REALLY feel that they don't want to make the "effort" to see your children, then simply ask them when you go for a visit. If they come up with a weak answer, then fine, and don't take the children again. Think about it. Good luck to you all.😊

I adore the smell of roses and would love to wear a perfume that gives the true scent of them. Does anyone have a suggestion please?

Start your own thread then instead of hijacking someone else's.

I think this is a major problem now that adult children seem to live far away from their families. I think if you move a significant distance away it’s really your responsibility to do the visiting although it should also be reciprocal.
A good compromise would be monthly visits to grandparents and inviting them to visit you in between.
You can’t understand what it’s like to be older/ elderly, for most the energy levels plummet along with tolerance levels.