Not taking my children to see their grandparents?

[Herringbone1]

For context my children are primary school age. We have a busy life (like most parents with young children) activities, full time jobs then throw in housework, trying to shoehorn in some family days together etc. leaves very little time for much else. Grandparents are retired and do very little aside from casual hobbies. Don’t drive. Live around an hour away but make very little effort to have a relationship with their grandsons. No significant health issues that would prevent them from visiting.

AIBU I’m not taking my children on a 2 hour round trip to see them when they make such little effort? I feel guilty thinking well maybe I should try more but I then I think well why can’t they get public transport to come see us? Why is it my responsibility to encourage their relationship? They made the choice not to drive, not me.

I haven’t read all the posts but I totally understand how you feel.
My parents are exactly the same, they actually live 10 minutes down the road and they have seen my 12 week old twice! It’s an absolute joke.
we also have two older children who like you have a lot of after school activities, if we do happen to have some chill time there’s no way that I am getting them back in the car to see my parents.
i regularly get the guilt trip that we don’t come and see them enough but it works both ways. They don’t bother. Ultimately it is not your job to make sure that your parents have a relationship with their grandchildren it’s theirs!

I'm with you OP.

We used to take the DC to visit their grandparents (all divorced so effectively 4 sets of houses) regularly but as my DH have got older we've realised how little effort a couple of them make.
DH's Dad house has got terrible and he's shown very little interest in DH or the DCs for years.

My Mum doesn't seem that bothered and is obsessed with my 90 year old Grandfather who I will add is fully mobile doesn't need support and my Mum is one of four all of whom live nearby. It's crazy as our house is closer but she struggles to visit us and yet often sees him daily.

I can't visit her anymore as my brother currently lives with her having moved back from another part of the country and he is rude and abusive, I won't let my children see his behavior especially the teens he frightens them.

If we invite her out or to ours she either makes excuses or the stock phrase is i'll check what Grandpa is doing!

What makes DH laugh is she'll always say I have to spend time with Grandpa as he's probably not got long yet she's missed the last 8 joyful years of our youngest and he will never be that gorgeous baby or toddler again.

Anyway you have my sympathies OP and DH & I have vowed never to behave the same when we are grandparents.

As a grandparent myself, it is sometimes difficult to gauge whether you are welcome, so I have some sympathy with their position. I have been to see my daughter and sometimes her husband has decided suddenly on my appearance to go out, despite no plans to do this until I arrived. This can make me feel very awkward and unwelcome. I don't know your situation but you could invite them round for lunch or something?

Family dynamics can be difficult but honesty always helps. Why don't you tell them that you would like them to visit? Then they know you want them there and miss them. However, reading between the lines you sound rather angry at them for not being there.

Family dynamics can be difficult but honesty always helps. Why don't you tell them that you would like them to visit? Then they know you want them there and miss them. However, reading between the lines you sound rather angry at them for not being there.

I get what your saying with this and that's how it should work if everyone is a functioning adult but I've realised that often things like this are part of a bigger picture of a dysfunctional family and when that's the case there's often nothing you can do as it's broken. Except maybe don't pass it onto the next generation (that's become DH and my moto).

Certainly we've tried having those conversations with both sets of parents that don't bother and they don't seem to have the maturity to discuss it or to work on a relationship together with us.

And it does leave you with a feeling of rejection and angry at the hurt.

The phrase you only have one mum and dad really annoys me my parents took no interest in me once I started secondary school (thr teachers took more interest then they did) intrude until I was in my mid 30s to have a relationship with them but every mean comment, being sat in there house while they ignored me but gushed over my brother , really upset me so I stopped, they are no doing the same thing to their grandchildren so I am not trying again for them , if they want to get to know them it is up to them

I think it depends. Who chose to move an hour away from each other, you or them?
And what are the reasons that they don't drive?
Obviously if there is a valid /medical reason or financial then that's completely understandable but I tend to have little sympathy for people who don't drive through choice but then everyone else has to pick up the slack. We have two family members who don't drive and they rely 100% on everyone else and I think it's very selfish. So in that case, no I wouldn't be the one always making the effort

I think it depends. Who chose to move an hour away from each other, you or them?

It’s an hour! That’s some people’s daily commute. They don’t need a reason not to drive (many people living in cities with good public transport never do) and OP has confirmed there is train service between the 2 areas.

They sound lazy not making the effort when they are fit newly retired with time on their hands when OP has a busy life.

Yes and it also makes no difference the reasons for moving or living where they do. It sounds Luke blackmail expecting op to do it all because she had the audacity to move! They should still be reciprocating regardless.

Except they’re not all that old and they’ve never driven on any roads busy or otherwise. They do, however, have a train service. It’s obviously not that important to these grandparents as they are doing little to facilitate a relationship.

Do ur children enjoy their time with their grandparents? I would make an effort to visit say every 3rd weekend for the next 3-4 months and if your parents don’t show any appreciation or up their game at any level then, if I were u, I’d politely tell them that you have tried your best and ur not sure if they enjoy your visits and see what they say.

Surely OP’s fit 60-something parents are making the choice not to take a 50 minute train journey to visit their daughter and grandchildren.

Very few retired people give up driving for no good reason. It is generally down to health issues, sight problems, lack of confidence, or financial restraints. Have you asked? Do you care?

Have you read OP’s posts! Obviously not! Her parents have not given up driving- they’ve never driven. But they do have a 50 minute train service!

I’m not sure I’d want my 60+ year old parents on public transport, I went on a train the other afternoon and it wasn’t great. The odd time, maybe once a year could be ok?
My in-laws can drive, but one has a cataract so driving I general they feel anything more than local is a risk (to others), especially when the light wanes or it rains. The other their eyesight in general is not the best plus their nerves have got worse over the years plus weather can be unpredictable.
myself and DP work f/t so I do honestly feel your pain as we end up driving to family, fitting around kids parties, homework, housework I honestly feel often going to work is my break. However, I have come to see I am lucky, to have friends and family to see.

Maybe they’re proud not to have to admit they now cannot learn to drive, worry about trains. Maybe could you meet half way sometimes, if you explain it is difficult for you sometimes to have the time or even possibly fuel costs I am sure they would understand.

i just feel sorry for your kids who may grow up and look back and not remember seeing their grandparents. Us parents can have a busy role facilitating everything, as long as they’re kind and want to see them, personally I’d make the effort even if it were just for the kids.

take time out, breathe, call and gently discuss you’re struggling to find the time sometimes and let the conversation gently flow.

It must be a generational thing - my grandparents always waited until I contacted them to arrange a visit and then when I had kids my parents did the same. Wish they had brought food with them when the kids were babies instead of sitting there expecting to be waited on🙄ho hum

Seriously - have you even read the op at all?🙄

I’m not sure I’d want my 60+ year old parents on public transport, I went on a train the other afternoon and it wasn’t great. The odd time, maybe once a year could be ok?

Are you serious? They’re in their 60s not their 80s! Plenty of people their age take trains to visit their own elderly parents or even to commute if they’re still working. Obviously, they are a little old to learn to drive now but they must have been using public transport all their lives. They don’t suddenly become incapable once they draw their pension!

And what’s the point of meeting half way? Once they have got on a train, they might as well stay on till they’ve reached OP’s station.

I'm in my 60's and travel on buses, and trains and planes. Imagine that!

Good grief, my parents are in their late 60s and not even particularly adventurous, and they can cope with taking four trains and crossing an international border to visit me.

When you invite people to your home, they're your guests surely? Whoever they are?

When you invite friends, do you consider them to be "sitting there expecting to be waited on"?
I've invited my in-law family round next weekend. I'm looking forward to making a nice meal for them.

'm in my 60's and travel on buses, and trains and planes. Imagine that!

Me too! Even do an 8 hour train journey with a change to visit DS!

I’m not sure I’d want my 60+ year old parents on public transport, I went on a train the other afternoon and it wasn’t great. The odd time, maybe once a year could be ok?

Do you realise how patronising that sounds?

Millions of 60 year olds in this country work full-time and raise children - they're hardly ancient ffs.

Do you actually invite them to you, or just expect them
To invite themselves?

Read the full thread! They’ve had numerous invitations, asked to do things I know they like etc. always say yes but never materialises.

I think it depend on if they engage at all with your DCs when you are actually there. I don’t see much of my parents after I have repeatedly drive 3+ hours to see them only for them to ignore their GDCs. Last visit they didn’t speak to 7 year old DS, except when he asked if they would play a board game with him and they said ‘no’.

It’s also hard when they get out cakes or pastries and eat them in front of DCs without offering them any. I now take my own picnic for when we have to visit.

My F refers to DS as a girl too. Which DS is now really aware of. F is now a bit wandered and doddery but he has just not given enough of a shit to acknowledge his grandson over the last 7 years. (Other kids in the family are girls so that is the default)

My DCs hate going now and I can’t blame them. Fortunately they have PIL who, although being extremely elderly, are a delight.

If your parents are like mine then YANBU

This is so sad. Myself and DH would give our back teeth to have grandchildren. Despite having 4 adult sons, I am the only person in my social circle who does not have grandchildren.
I am now in my 70's and think its unlikely that I will ever be a grandmother, and cannot understand those who show no interest in having a relationship with their grandchildren