Not taking my children to see their grandparents?

[Herringbone1]

For context my children are primary school age. We have a busy life (like most parents with young children) activities, full time jobs then throw in housework, trying to shoehorn in some family days together etc. leaves very little time for much else. Grandparents are retired and do very little aside from casual hobbies. Don’t drive. Live around an hour away but make very little effort to have a relationship with their grandsons. No significant health issues that would prevent them from visiting.

AIBU I’m not taking my children on a 2 hour round trip to see them when they make such little effort? I feel guilty thinking well maybe I should try more but I then I think well why can’t they get public transport to come see us? Why is it my responsibility to encourage their relationship? They made the choice not to drive, not me.

I was thinking that!

Birmingham New Street to Coventry Train Station is 40 minutes by car, half that by train. Depending on how close you live to the two stations of course it could be quicker by train altho you're more restricted on times.

If your journey involves a busy motorway on a weekend or trying to get across a major city, it's quite possible.
She might also be exaggerating or she may also be factoring in the inevitable pee stop and kid wrangling.

I’d say you should be taking it in turns… they come to you then vice verse. If they don’t make an effort then why should you!

You have my sympathies it’s tiring being the one to always make the effort and not have it reciprocated. If it was a friendship we would let it slide but the family ties leave us with all these obligations and guilt when we don’t perform them.

Saying that an hours travel is nothing either way, my daughter has a 2 hour party coming up which is an hour travel for us each way which I will happily do. Ultimately I would do what’s best for the children if they are excited and happy to be going to see the grandparents then go. If they don’t want to go then that’s your answer but I think we should give our children the opportunity to have a relationship with the grandparents even if we’d rather not.

(for context, in-laws live 3 hours away and refuse to visit us, a visit wipes out an entire weekend and we have to stay in an uncomfortable bed in a grubby house, I hate it but I suck it up 4 times a year. They are retired with a car but have a multitude of reasons they can’t visit, my personal favourite was when they were “too tired”.)

I think it’s something that you should do occasionally to preserve the relationship to a degree and so that you can rest easy that you made the effort once they die. Cheery stuff. Maybe once per school holiday. Or once per long school holiday. They should absolutely make an effort too and it must be so hurtful that they don’t. You can only control how you behave though, they are unlikely to change and happiness rarely comes from punishing people for not acting how you want them to act.

There is a bloody big back story to this op?

I sense your parents were drinkers prioritising drinking and smoking and other pursuits over you, and were generally selfish parents and as a result you are reluctant, quite naturally, to bend over backwards for them now they are old and bored?

Yeeeh you're being way harsh. Grandparents are PRECIOUS and I think you need to prioritise. When they die you will be full of regret.

There it is. Bingo!
Precious my arse.

Well yes it is, if you have more free time and have chosen that lifestyle. There are great discounts for seniors too.
It should be a more even even balance.

I’d invite them. Not a wishy washy oh we should do xyz sometime. But a ‘do you want to come for dinner on Saturday evening? Come over for 5pm’

If you extend a timed invite and they refuse then you’ve done your best. You can’t force a relationship that isn’t wanted

So why didn't you give the full background about your relationship with your parents in OP .
Are they heavy drinkers ? Or do they just enjoy a couple of drinks during the day? You sound very judgemental.
You come across as if you dislike them .
If public transport is so easy and quick for them why don't you use it to visit them?

But this is the thing about mumsnet! There's been loads of posts resenting GPs wanting visits, or wanting to visit, or asking to have their GPs to stay. Their often regarded as an inconvenience, and their requests seen as demands of busy parents.

It seems like we have to tread on eggshells sometimes. Even those of us who are mums and not MILs. My DD as I said, is very chill, but even so, if I call suggesting something, she's often busy and I don't want to be seen as intruding on her, so it seems more fair to wait for her to suggest things.

"or asking to have their GPs to stay"

Or asking for their GCs to stay, rather.

The problem is sitting back can often be mistaken for indifference.

My children had a grandmother who was indeed precious, loving, and an all round wonderful person. They also have a grandmother who couldn't give a damn about them, has never met or shown any interest in meeting her great grandchildren and is generally unpleasant. She is not precious to me at all, and unfortunately she's my own mother.

I miss my late MIL deeply though.

Exactly. This is what I mean. Grandparents often can't win. We're either too demanding or too uninvolved, on mumsnet. The perfect grandparent path is about two inches wide, and I try to teeter along it.

Are your children precious? Your grandkids? Perhaps these adults need to prioritise their grandkids so when they're dying they're not full of regret?

I don’t understand your issue. Surely you just communicate with your dd, what works for her/you and make a plan? I don’t get all of this eggshell teetering business.

If your dc have very young children, you get stuck in helping out, making them dinner and doing what you can. Due to exhaustion they probably can’t do very much in return. Later, when the children are older it becomes easier to enjoy time together. What are you asking for that is so hard for your dd to provide?

So let me get this right, you’re calling me judgemental…. At the same time as you judging me? People in glass houses…

Why would I use public transport when it’s much more convenient for me to use my car? Not sure if you’re aware (maybe you don’t have children?) but walking to a local train station on your own as an adult, is far quicker than with v young children in tow!

Take the children to see them on public transport, if it's the same amount of time. Probably more fun for all of you - plus you don't have to cook

See my last reply. Why wouldn’t I have to cook?

yes - sorry, cross posted.

But you said it's 50 minutes on the train or an hour in the car - so it really doesn't sound too different - and i would think the train is more interesting for the DSs?

If you go to your parents house for lunch, presumably they will give you lunch (by which I meant cook)?

Yanbu

They can make a bloody effort to see their grandkids

I don't think you're unreasonable, in that you've said your parents don't make much effort. And if they're not bothered and you're not, then it's a non-issue.

Why are you so upset op?

if they cant be bothered to make an effort, surely that is enough for you to decide to see them as and when you have the time and energy. You are under no obligation.

Some parents feel it is they’re due to sit back at a certain time in their lives and contribute absolutely nothing to the family, as if they earns the ‘right’ somehow. It’s old fashioned twaddle that doesn’t apply to modern life.