Not taking my children to see their grandparents?

[Herringbone1]

For context my children are primary school age. We have a busy life (like most parents with young children) activities, full time jobs then throw in housework, trying to shoehorn in some family days together etc. leaves very little time for much else. Grandparents are retired and do very little aside from casual hobbies. Don’t drive. Live around an hour away but make very little effort to have a relationship with their grandsons. No significant health issues that would prevent them from visiting.

AIBU I’m not taking my children on a 2 hour round trip to see them when they make such little effort? I feel guilty thinking well maybe I should try more but I then I think well why can’t they get public transport to come see us? Why is it my responsibility to encourage their relationship? They made the choice not to drive, not me.

If public transport is 50 minutes then you should visit them using public transport. When you're there say 'your turn to visit us next time'.

If it's quicker and cheaper on public transport, can't you use that option to travel to them?

I think it's pretty shit that you can't be arsed, personally, and I think it's a shame to deny your dc the chance to get to know their grandparents for such trivial reasons, but it's your family so I guess you get to choose. Just don't expect your kids to bother with you when you're older because that won't be what they've grown up with.

An hour isn't much. 50 minutes to my parents each way and I usually go every week. I have two teenagers and a toddler but still don't find it any effort regardless of if I take them all or just the toddler. Your children are old enough to entertain themselves for an hour.
If you don't want to visit then obviously you don't have to but my parents are in their 80s (my dad still drives though) and I'm always worried that if I don't go that will be the week they die. Then I'd feel guilty. However that's me and it totally depends on your relationship with them.

What are they like when you do do? Are they interested in you and their grandchildren? Are they welcoming? Do they phone up between times? Are they pleasant people to be around?

I'm a similar travel time from DM but she is older and has been unable to get herself to mine for years. I used to go each half term plus there were other family events here and there. Everything has totally fizzled since she formed a lockdown bubble with local DB. She doesn't let anyone in the house any more (hoarder), the furniture isn't functional anymore- you literally fall through the sofa. There's no invitations, and it's too far to pop in. She barely asks about the DCs and is clearly no fan of my autistic child. Her hearing's now gone to the point where she doesn't answer the phone. She proudly and flatly refused to engage with mobile phones 20+ years ago when she could have adapted if she wanted. She loves to shoehorn in any Daily Mail style rant that she can which I'm not highly motivated to expose myself to, and frankly she's more interested in the wildlife in the garden than my side of the family.

The twice that she has invited me down in the last few years was because she wanted to use me as a driver, and she got the hump when I declined to take her to a gridlocky retail park the week before Christmas (I did offer for new year) as I need to get her the 30 mins home, plus my hour journey in time to pick my DCs up.

I'm going through a phase of losing other relatives of DM's age group and life is not infinite, but I'm now reconcilled to the fact that there is little practical I can do from my half of the relationship and I can't change her choices or behaviours. When the inevitable occurs, I will lament what was, what could have been, but there isn't much to actively miss any more.

If it's purely about travel and they're otherwise decent people, then it is worth some effort. However there is often more lying under the surface when relationships fizzle or are very imbalanced though.

@Herringbone1 i get you. If they made the occasional bit of effort you’d probably also happily drive there occasionally.

do they have the children for sleepovers ever or attend other family type things in school holidays.

are you a close family to begin with before children came along? Any siblings etc that also see your parents?

My dad lived about a 40 minute drive away and we would try our best to drive to him once a week. He recently died and I can say that I feel very glad that I did this. I would have huge regrets if I hadn’t. During those times he and my child forged a strong relationship, so it can all be worth it. I do get that it is tiring, but it’s not forever and seeing the positives helps.

Just make an effort maybe once a month and perhaps then their relationship with your DCs will grow over time. I think you are depriving your DCs of this opportunity for petty reasons which you may regret in time.

You are so busy and have so little spare time maybe its just as well they don't visit you. When my kids were younger I preferred to do the visiting because I could fit it in at times that suited me and I could choose how long I would stay depending on what I had on and I didn't have to "host" others.

The bottom line is you don't want to visit so don't. Maybe when your kids are old enough to travel on their own you can send them on the train to visit granny and grandad.

Do you invite them? Actually say "mum and dad do you want to come around on Saturday"? My in laws are really odd and won't ever come with out an actual firm invite. If we say "you are welcome to come visit us any time that suits you" they just never do, but if we specifically say when they never say no. Maybe a generational thing.

I am also interested in this jour ney that's quicker my public transport than car? If it's quicker and eaiser could you not use it once in a while? My kids love trains and buses, and would enjoy that much more than a car ride, especially if quicker. Less stress for you too.

Some mixed replies on here which I expected. I wonder how many people who disagree with me are grandparents that expect their family to visit them and don’t return the effort?

It’s not that I haven’t invited them, on the contrary. Every time I speak to them I suggest them coming over and doing XY and Z with us. Things that I know they like and are interested in. They say yes but then it never materialises. They sometimes get on public transport to visit other relatives just not us.

Re the time difference for public transport - trains are much quicker than cars! They’re also just at retirement age so not significantly old.

As a teenager I made a lot of sacrifices and worked hard to earn the money to learn to drive, paying extortionate car insurance etc. that’s a choice I’ve made and I get to enjoy the luxury of having a car. If you’ve spent your life pissing your money up the wall and not prioritising then why should I feel sorry for you having to get on public transport?

My in laws are really odd and won't ever come with out an actual firm invite. If we say "you are welcome to come visit us any time that suits you" they just never do, but if we specifically say when they never say no. Maybe a generational thing.

In my case it's a thing that mumsnet has done to me. I'm an involved grandparent, but I still generally wait to be invited. There are so many posts on MN about entitled GPs who want to be involved all the time or who turn up when not wanted. On the rare occasions when I do ask if it's convenient for me to call round, I fall over myself to say " no pressure at all, it's absolutely fine if not..." etc etc. Yet my DD is really relaxed! MN has really messed with my head.

Do you not have a good relationship with your parents?

If you’ve spent your life pissing your money up the wall and not prioritising then why should I feel sorry for you having to get on public transport? The argument of the privileged the world over “I worked hard for this, if you don’t have this it must be because you didn’t work hard”

I wonder how many people who disagree with me are grandparents that expect their family to visit them and don’t return the effort? I wonder how many people who agree with you are parents who expect grandparents to visit them and don’t return the effort?”

This is exactly how I feel. There has to be some reciprocity in relationships. “Oh - you’re welcome if you want to come” is pretty poor when that’s it.

I wonder if my in laws are on MN! 👀

I get it, there's a lot of weird grown up children/ DILs on MNs and I get you don't want to be an inconvenience. But I find it incredibly irretating. Espeically when the kids were small and really hard work it would have been great to have them jsut say "shall we look after the kids for a weekend so you can go away". They never did, but would always say yes if we asked. It made me feel like maybe they didn't want to, but just didn't want to refuse either. Now the kids are older it's just a hassle, because life is busy and we just forget to arrange a visit. And then sometimes we'll speak to them and they are all hurt and sad that they've not seen us for ages. Just bloody call and say "we'd love to see you, what's a good weekend for us to come down" rather than looking all butt hurt about it!

Anyway, sorry to poach the thread OP, that's my little rant!

I’m far from privileged. And I do not have a privileged attitude. Far from it.
They worked hard, very hard but chose to spend their money elsewhere. Booze and fags mainly. Which is absolutely their prerogative.

I read @Herringbone1 's post in the totally opposite way!

She wasnt privileged at all and had to work hard (probably going without stuff) to afford lessons/a car/ insurance etc.

Her parents are the privileged ones to decide they cba to learn and expect others to visit them!

I was gonna say don't shoulder all the burden but yeah, harder when it's yours.

I'm assuming you don't have much is a close relationship with them anyway.

What are they like when you do get together?

If you’ve spent your life pissing your money up the wall and not prioritising then why should I feel sorry for you having to get on public transport

Again, this just seems like such a harsh attitude. There’s this sort of angry ruthlessness about your posts. Don’t you like your parents?

My mum has the same issue with her parents and I totally get it. Her parents are well, fit and healthy and also drive, yet expect my mum to drive a few hours to visit them despite them being retired while she's working all week.

My son's grandparents (my parents) all work full time and live hours away which is the reason we don't see them often - no-one has the time or wants to do the journey which I'm fine with.

The only thing I would say in your situation is that a 2 hour round trip isn't much at all, and I do that journey to go to the supermarket. So it shouldn't take up too much of your day to visit them if you wanted to.

My dd is 11, My inlaws live 2 hrs away. They never ring to see how she is,they dont send cards for birthdays etc they just don;t care,So we dont go, It works both ways,Effort. They wont put any in so they set the tone in my view, My dd has missed out on ziltch. When she was a baby I used to go and they would turn the telly up so sod em! I do not feel guilty at all.

Or a massive big red flag about OPs relationship with her parents who prioritised alcohol over many other things in her childhood.

I know this isn't on topic, but please can you tell us where this place is that has public transport which is quicker than getting in your own car? It sounds brilliant. Door to door from my home to the city centre bus station is easily 25 minutes and I live less than two miles away. To be able to do a journey in 50 minutes by public transport that takes an hour or more in a car is brilliant! Also, slightly unbelievable.