Not taking my children to see their grandparents?

[Herringbone1]

For context my children are primary school age. We have a busy life (like most parents with young children) activities, full time jobs then throw in housework, trying to shoehorn in some family days together etc. leaves very little time for much else. Grandparents are retired and do very little aside from casual hobbies. Don’t drive. Live around an hour away but make very little effort to have a relationship with their grandsons. No significant health issues that would prevent them from visiting.

AIBU I’m not taking my children on a 2 hour round trip to see them when they make such little effort? I feel guilty thinking well maybe I should try more but I then I think well why can’t they get public transport to come see us? Why is it my responsibility to encourage their relationship? They made the choice not to drive, not me.

YANBU you work, look after children etc, they are retired and have 24/7/365 to themselves, if they can't be bothered, that's on them. It's not your job to facilitate their laziness and disinterest.

Are they actually bothered? Have they implied that you should be coming to see them more or something?

My dad in particular isn't that bothered about having a relationship with his grandchildren. He isn't the best with young kids anyway and was hardly father or the year so it's come of no surprise to me. I don't see at as my job to facilitate their relationship whatsoever.

I know so many friends whose parents sound like yours. You must do what feelks right for you and your family.
My in laws only ever come round if they are formally invited, and I am not the formal invite kind of person with family!

Its a two way street - with family and wiuth firends. It cannot always be one person making the effort.

As a previous poster suggested, do a duty visit every two months and formally invite them to yours or to meet out somewhere in the in between months.

As your kids get older the visits will naturally fall away if neither side is very interested.

If you've got great GPs on your husband's side, prioritise the relationship with them.

I don't think the method of transport is really the issue here.

Literally don’t understand the massive deal, we see grandparents (hubbys side) they don’t come to us, however I always make sure once a month we plan something with them or go round to visit. 40minutes each way? So we go to them.

you have a car, presumably your children could sit with an iPad/do some drawing/colouring? Once a month isn’t to much of a stretch is it🤷‍♀️ gives them something to look forward to aswell! As someone else said, you could arrange a day trip out all together.

i personally wouldn’t make them travel on public transport with them being older now especially if there’s a car there for you to transport your children to see them…

I'm with you OP.

DF lives 2.5 hours away....I always get pass agg comments about how we don't visit enough, but they never come here 'because it's a long drive' 'we'd have to stay over' 'what about the dog'

Well thos exact same things, including the dog, apply to us going there, but we also work full time and have a toddler! Grrr

OP, if they are that disinterested I would make the trip every 6 months or so.

It takes both sides to make it work.

By the time they are teens if not before, they will likely be far too busy, particularly if their grandparents have little interest in them.

Its a two way road.

Kids need to see their parents make an effort with their GP for them to do it when they’re older. If you don’t do it then they won’t even give you the opportunity. They just won’t make the time for you.

Are you being deliberately obtuse?
My in laws would never ring and say we're thinking of visiting is this date available or what do you suggest?

I always had to ring them and suggest they visited the dc.

Doesn't this work both ways though? They need to see other people making the effort to see them just as much?

If you want your kids to get to know your parents you could

1. make the trip twice a month or
2. book a holiday home nearby twice a year and see them for a longer/nore frequent stretch or
3. ask them to go on your holidays with you. If frequent visits don't work then go for those longer holiday type visits. You really get to know people well if you're living together for a week or even two and you might even build traditions if you do it every year.

I suspect the massive deal part probably involves not liking them very much.

Who wouldn't want to visit people they liked?

I would hardly call being in your 60s older and I’m pretty sure most 60+ year olds would be a bit offended at this. Just because they’re retired doesn’t make them incapable of having independence. If you read my other posts - they’re capable of travelling even further on public transport to see other relatives but not us. So why should it be my responsibility to make all the effort?

Nah, if they aren't willing to travel half the time and you aren't too bothered about seeing them then I would just crack on as you are. They'll probably seem like strangers to your DC anyway, so it's no loss to them at this point.

YANBU

This really bugs me, relationships work both ways and effort needs to be made on both sides!

Fags and booze, they sound like my PIL and they don’t drive either. But they lived 15/20 minutes away. It’s not a question of who visits whose house, it boils down to whether or not you want your children to have a relationship with their grandparents or not. You can blame them for choosing not to drive or you can suck it up and visit. We took our children pretty much every week to see my PIL because we knew that if we didn’t go they wouldn’t see them, which we wanted them to do. I can count on one hand the times they came to visit us on their own steam (and the bus stop was at the end of their street, stopping a < five minute walk from our home). If you know what they’re like and are confident that they won’t change you need to decide whether you and your children seeing them is a priority. For us it was. If you can blame them for not making the effort to visit then just remember the road goes both ways so if you don’t make the effort either you’re just as much to blame.

Goodness, should I pack in going to work now I'm 60+ ? It takes me an hour each way and I have to use public transport really, as I'm in London. Maybe I need a chauffeur?

My sister and her husband wont bring her kids to our parents unless they need them to babysit..
She moved 30 min drive away (public transport is about 3-4 times longer) Our parents dont drive and do work full time
. They would love to see their grandchildren more but sister says the weekend is for the children's extra activities(I get this) and their own family time as children are in wrap around care most of the week. It's really sad for my parents but that's the way it is. They are used when needed and this is their only opportunity to spend time with the kids.

I think you should…. Folk your age shouldn’t be on public transport you know.

This is really sad and I feel for your parents. Especially as they’re working themselves so time is limited even more. Could they stay over one night at your sisters and maybe have a family meal together? Or even meet half way?

It sounds as if you don't like them very much or agree with their life choices. If this radiates out of you, even unintentionally, it might explain why they don't visit.

This is a good point and has given me food for thought.

I could have written this post myself. 3 primary school age children and my parents never visit or make an effort to come (both retired) but will sit and wait for us to visit them and guilt us if we don't!! 2 hour round trip here too.
No advice but you are not alone

Thank you for sharing this. It’s incredibly frustrating isn’t it? And hurtful.

My view is it’s obvious none of the adults care about the relationship or there would be more effort all around.

a one hour drive is hardly the mammoth task your making it out to be!