To not move him in as I don’t want DD sharing a room?

[SharingARoom]

I have DD, 8 almost 9 Y4.

DP has:
DD 8, Y3
DS 4, Nursery

All 3 DC are at the same school. I have full residency of DD and she visits her dad 1 night EOWend. DP has 50/50 residency of his DC.

I currently have a 3 bed house.

Bedroom 1 is my room
Bedroom 2 is my spare/office space
Bedroom 3 is DDs room.

DD has SN and a medical condition, her space is her sanctuary to get away from it – she always says it’s the only space that is totally hers and she can do what she wants in it (within reason obviously, I don’t allow it to be very messy or for her to write on the walls but it’s her space, decorated exactly how she wants it and with her things where she wants them). It’s also where she goes if she’s having a meltdown. It’s a single room but big enough for her to have a tent den. I do not under any circumstances want her to have to share that space, I deliberately gave her the smaller room when I moved in for this reason, as there’s no moving her aside into a smaller/bigger room or making her share if circumstances change.

It’s my house that I own (well mortgaged). DP is moving in from rented when his contract ends in a few months, he’s in a 2 bed so his DCs share. They also share at their mums.

I have told DP his DC can share the spare room and we can decorate it, it’s big enough for a double bed so they could easily have a side each, although it#s not big enough for a physical divider due to where the window is.

DP wants his DD to go in with my DD in bedroom 2 and his DS to have bedroom 3 as they’re both girls. I have said even if DD didn’t have SN, I still don’t think I’d want her sharing, this is her only home and room – she shares a room at her dads/grandparents with her cousin and it's my house I've paid for. DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

I have said no, they either share bedroom 2 or DP doesn’t move in. I am happy in future to move to a 4 bed so they can all have their own rooms, but it's awhile away yet. DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us and we will still pay for our own holidays with our own DC then have seperate nights away.

So WIBU?

YANBU - DD doesn't share with DPs DD
YABU - DD should share with DPs DD

I would not move in with him. Each of you should put your respective DC first. I can see how him moving in benefits him but not how it benefits the DC.

No YANBU, you're putting your dd's needs front and centre ahead of your partners wants, and given your partner options up front.

Definitely not! Your daughter should not have to share, her room is her sanctuary.

Third option - he doesn't move in

I would say exactly the same as you. No way would I tell or expect my DD to share her bedroom.

First things first - how long have you been together?

Secondly, he needs to provide the finances for a bigger house, otherwiseits your rules. Please please protect your property from him taking half later on.

I agree with you; even without your DD having SN it’s not fair to make her share in these circumstances. If he doesn’t get that then I’d rethink him moving in.

YANBU- this is your home, and your DD's home. You have to put her first and like you have said, it is her safe space. Your DP's children are used to sharing at their mums, so it would make sense to keep them sharing. Then if you both save to buy a bigger place together they can all have their own room, but until then your DD should be able to keep her own room. If DP doesn't like that then he should stay put in his rented place until you can both afford to move somewhere bigger.

You’re right. You having a relationship shouldn’t make your DD’s life worse, which sharing a room really would.

If he can’t see this, he’s not the sort of person you should move in with.

And paying for a 4 bedroom shouldn't be on your radar for a long time...
Remember the not that long ago cf bf who wanted op stump up for one for his dc??

Don't move him in.

If you're set on living with him, make a plan to buy a house together that meets everyone's needs. Him moving into your house and trying to tell you who shares with whom will not work.

Don't move him in. This will be a constant battle because he thinks he is right. Keep putting your daughter first.

Don't move him in. He hasn't given a thought to your DD and how the change he wants will affect her. That's pretty poor.

YANBU at all and I'm glad you're putting your DD first.

I also don't think his DC should share a double bed though. Bunk beds might work out for a bit until you can get a bigger house?

Or ofc just don't move him in 🤷🏻‍♀️

He can continue renting. You are paying for your place and your partner isn’t on the mortgage so you don’t have to compromise. Your dd needs her space that’s non negotiable. Best that he doesn’t move in as he doesn’t respect you or your dd needs. See later on when you can get a house with more bedrooms or bedroom division possibility.

Why are you even giving this headspace. Just say no.

You are 100% correct. It's your DDs room, it is your house.

He is correct that his kids are getting to an age where they shouldn't be sharing, but thats his problem. HE is the parent and needs to sort this out. He can do this by stumping up the cash to buy a 4 bed, or he needs to move into another rental with 2 bedrooms, him taking sofa, or a 3 bed. You are not responsible for his childrens housing needs, especially to the detriment of your own child.

No way would I take that away from her. She needs it and it helps make her life better which is only fair when she has additional needs.

Do not move him in. It's well known that single Dads often seek single mums to move in cocklodge with. He's probably looking for someone to help raise his kids, provide housekeeping, cooking, cleaning and sexual services. What's in it for you?

You need to put your DDs needs first.

A 4 bed together can be a long term plan, but currently your home isn't big enough for a combined household.

I don't like the sound of him at all. Dictating how you and your DD should live in your own house! It's got disaster written all over it.

Yanbu and its doesn't seem like him moving in will work right now for all dc involved. If they are there 50/50 its a long time to share a double bed but that doesn't mean your dd should have to give up the space it sounds like she needs.

Just don't move him in, moving in should be done only if life enhancing for the relationships and people involved not based on financial /accommodation considerations. Certainly not at the expense of the mental well being of the children.

It doesn’t really matter whether anyone thinks you're right or wrong. It’s up to you to decide what you can accept. End of!
If you insist DD keeps her own space then that’s what should happen. If you want to live with your DP, you need to find a bigger house.

Agree