To not move him in as I don’t want DD sharing a room?

[SharingARoom]

I have DD, 8 almost 9 Y4.

DP has:
DD 8, Y3
DS 4, Nursery

All 3 DC are at the same school. I have full residency of DD and she visits her dad 1 night EOWend. DP has 50/50 residency of his DC.

I currently have a 3 bed house.

Bedroom 1 is my room
Bedroom 2 is my spare/office space
Bedroom 3 is DDs room.

DD has SN and a medical condition, her space is her sanctuary to get away from it – she always says it’s the only space that is totally hers and she can do what she wants in it (within reason obviously, I don’t allow it to be very messy or for her to write on the walls but it’s her space, decorated exactly how she wants it and with her things where she wants them). It’s also where she goes if she’s having a meltdown. It’s a single room but big enough for her to have a tent den. I do not under any circumstances want her to have to share that space, I deliberately gave her the smaller room when I moved in for this reason, as there’s no moving her aside into a smaller/bigger room or making her share if circumstances change.

It’s my house that I own (well mortgaged). DP is moving in from rented when his contract ends in a few months, he’s in a 2 bed so his DCs share. They also share at their mums.

I have told DP his DC can share the spare room and we can decorate it, it’s big enough for a double bed so they could easily have a side each, although it#s not big enough for a physical divider due to where the window is.

DP wants his DD to go in with my DD in bedroom 2 and his DS to have bedroom 3 as they’re both girls. I have said even if DD didn’t have SN, I still don’t think I’d want her sharing, this is her only home and room – she shares a room at her dads/grandparents with her cousin and it's my house I've paid for. DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

I have said no, they either share bedroom 2 or DP doesn’t move in. I am happy in future to move to a 4 bed so they can all have their own rooms, but it's awhile away yet. DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us and we will still pay for our own holidays with our own DC then have seperate nights away.

So WIBU?

YANBU - DD doesn't share with DPs DD
YABU - DD should share with DPs DD

Right?
the DS gets his own room at dad's.

but his DD has to share at her mother's and dad's. How does that make sense?

I would expect this to create so much more resentment than the two siblings having to share....

I suspect that having three extra people moving in will be enough of a transition for your daughter to contend with - even if it wasn’t already so important for her to have her own sanctuary I would suggest that it certainly would be necessary while she adjusts. Also, I wouldn’t expect two unrelated children to share a bedroom regardless of whether they’re both girls or not. I agree with previous posters, wait to move in until, as a family unit, you are able to provide suitable accommodation to meet all the children’s needs and ensure that it’s a positive change for everyone. Continue to advocate for your daughter, she needs to come first with you.

This! Protect yourself and your daughter's financial future.

If I may, the finances don’t look balanced.
You DP will no longer have rent to pay and won’t be paying towards your mortgage. I understand why you don’t want him paying towards mortgage.
you will share bills 50/50. There is 3 of him (DP and two children) and two of you.
So effectively you are covering his housing costs and subsidising one of his children.
AND he is manoeuvring things that suit HIS children in YOUR house.
The advice you didn’t ask for but here it is - bin him and protect your home.

Don’t move him in. Why not continue the relationship in separate houses and see how it goes?

I would tell him to wait until the kids are grown and off to college to move in. Honestly. I would. It seems like you're happy now, so why make your children unhappy by changing things? Also, OP, won't you miss your office?!??!

@SharingARoom

What a nice change it makes to read someone putting their child ahead of their relationship or some romantic idea of a "blended family".

You are very, very wise.

You move into the spare room, his kids have your room with a room divider?

If he is actually moving in please get a cohabitation agreement before he does!

Not unreasonable at all. His children share atm. If his children sharing is so much of a concern, why has he aloud it to go on for so long? He needs to buy/rent a suitable home asap
Tbh, it's hour home. You're making big changes. I think you've gone far enough. Suggest each having your own place until you both feel ready to purchase together

OP has said she has told him he isn't moving in...

Cancel the cheque!

Don't move him in at all.

Agree with other posts, your daughter should absolutely not have to share her bedroom space. SEN aside, she has the snallest room, it's totally illogical for 2 older children to share the smallest room and the 4 yo to have a larger room. Ridiculous suggestion.

Now there's a new and unique suggestion.

I bet the OP hadn't thought of that at all when she said upthread that she wasn't going to move him in.

YANBU - he is moving from
Renting so you're saving him money and he's taking liberties by expecting your Dd to work around his DC. I wouldn't move in with him OP.

absolutely agree with the majority - him moving into your house, even if it was a temp measure until you can get a jointly bigger house for you all, should not, in any way, upset or inconvenience your daughter! You have made a perfectly reasonable suggestion the the 2 children who currently share at home, have the larger spare room decorated as their space whilst at Dad's place. In fairness this is only a temp solution either at yours OR at their Mum's as there will come a point where they will want and need their own space anyway but right now if its good enough at Mum's its good enough at yours. If your partner hasn't simply said 'how fantastic you've offered to give up your office and redecorate it for my children until we can afford a joint home' then I'd be having serious thoughts about how he views your home and your child

Some of these threads I read about other half wanting free childcare whilst they go off and continue their hobbies, holiday's career, best room for their children, not owning their own home, expecting free food. Do you not wonder why some men are divorced in the first place.

A very good suggestion given OP heading. She was asking advice on this very subject!

Agree with what other have said about not making your daughter share her room.

To add, if you do continue this relationship, I'd say the partner and kid staying over so that the eventual 'blending'of the families is easier would probably be a good idea. Start with trips to your house after school for tea on their dads weeks, once a week, and trips out together. Then a weekend or school holiday day. Then change your office to put bunks/ two separate beds/ two chair beds into it, and they can start spending one overnight at a time there. Then maybe two nights at a time in a weekend or school holidays. Obviously all interspersed with lots of time with just their dad in his home too. By the time they're regularly spending a couple of nights at yours, you should be able to forsee any major issues, and you'll have eased everyone into the idea of having a shared space, rather than them just moving in one day, which will also probably be helpful for your daughter too.
I think if the kids have never all stayed together, you're definitely setting yourself up to fail by moving them straight in!

So they share at mums full time.... so is it not better they are sharing with someone familure. Instead your forcing two families into each other and forcing DPs DD to share with well a stranger!! Thebonly one benefitting here is DPs DS. That'll will make his own daughter whose still having to share a room uncomfortable and your daughter uncomfortable with SN to deal with. What is hisndaughter going to do when she is having a melt down. Why is he willing do put his daughter through this!!! I don't get his thinking at all. I don't think them moving in is going to work

OFFS! Read the thread (or the updates) people

I was being sarcastic, given that the OP had come to that conclusion long before the 180 millionth person suggested it.

People could at least read the OP's posts, even if they cba to read anything else.

Unfortunately, sarcasm can get lost in translation online.

I thought it was a bit obvious, given the conversation:

OP: should I not move him in?

Lots of people: don't move him in.

OP: I'm definitely not moving him in.

Lots of people: don't move him in.

But clearly it wasn't obvious enough!