To not move him in as I don’t want DD sharing a room?

[SharingARoom]

I have DD, 8 almost 9 Y4.

DP has:
DD 8, Y3
DS 4, Nursery

All 3 DC are at the same school. I have full residency of DD and she visits her dad 1 night EOWend. DP has 50/50 residency of his DC.

I currently have a 3 bed house.

Bedroom 1 is my room
Bedroom 2 is my spare/office space
Bedroom 3 is DDs room.

DD has SN and a medical condition, her space is her sanctuary to get away from it – she always says it’s the only space that is totally hers and she can do what she wants in it (within reason obviously, I don’t allow it to be very messy or for her to write on the walls but it’s her space, decorated exactly how she wants it and with her things where she wants them). It’s also where she goes if she’s having a meltdown. It’s a single room but big enough for her to have a tent den. I do not under any circumstances want her to have to share that space, I deliberately gave her the smaller room when I moved in for this reason, as there’s no moving her aside into a smaller/bigger room or making her share if circumstances change.

It’s my house that I own (well mortgaged). DP is moving in from rented when his contract ends in a few months, he’s in a 2 bed so his DCs share. They also share at their mums.

I have told DP his DC can share the spare room and we can decorate it, it’s big enough for a double bed so they could easily have a side each, although it#s not big enough for a physical divider due to where the window is.

DP wants his DD to go in with my DD in bedroom 2 and his DS to have bedroom 3 as they’re both girls. I have said even if DD didn’t have SN, I still don’t think I’d want her sharing, this is her only home and room – she shares a room at her dads/grandparents with her cousin and it's my house I've paid for. DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

I have said no, they either share bedroom 2 or DP doesn’t move in. I am happy in future to move to a 4 bed so they can all have their own rooms, but it's awhile away yet. DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us and we will still pay for our own holidays with our own DC then have seperate nights away.

So WIBU?

YANBU - DD doesn't share with DPs DD
YABU - DD should share with DPs DD

Even if he agrees to his kids sharing a room and you agree to them all moving on do put two single beds in there rather than a double.

I'd wait to move in. Sounds like the conditions aren't right now. It's perfectly OK to wait or even wait until the kids are grown.

I would not move him in. Even if he relents on this now I suspect he would try and reopen the issue once he’s got his feet under the table, which would make your life and that of your daughter very stressful indeed.

As soon as he gets his feet under the table, as soon as he gets established and properly dug it in so it's hard for you to get rid of him he will start working on you and maneuvering so that you end up being the skivvy for him and his children.
He will resent the fact that you have the security of being an owner occupier whilst he has to rent, he will want to bring you down to his level and will start acting as if he is the head of the household.

I would be saying no to moving in while you are still in a three bedroom house. This is a battle that will not go away. His children will have a falling out and it will be suggested by him that his dd moves in with your dd to cool down and then she will end up staying there.

You have to put your dd first.

@Hellodarknessmyoldpal Not sharing a double bed, they can have a bed each, it's a double sized room so they could have a side each of the room, 1 bed in each side. Sorry if it wasn't clear

THIS.

He benefits from this move, not you. He'll be getting a free house and no doubt extra help with his kids, no wonder he's so lkeen!

I'm sure you've explained to him exactly why DD needs her own private respite space.

This is a red flag that if he lives in the same house he is not going to accommodate your child's special needs in many other ways.

Don't do it. Live separately, maintain your autonomy and hers in your own home.

You sound eminently sensible.

Why does he have to move in at all? So called blended families bring so many issues, unnecessarily. Live separately and just see each other when it suits. Reassess when all the kids are adults.

Nope, doesn't sound like it would benefit you or your daughter. He can stay where he is. And I'd be very about a man who didn't respect my boundaries, particularly when it comes to putting my child first.

I would not move him in. This arrangement of him and his kids moving in does not benefit you in anyway so put yourself first and I’m glad you’re putting your daughter first already. We have 2 daughters and we don’t even let them share because of the medical needs of the younger one as she needs her space so I can’t imagine your dd being comfortable with sharing with a step sibling.
Even if he agrees now for his children to share, in some years time when they’re growing, he’ll try to persuade you again for the girls to share, it won’t end well.

If you're not bothered about living with him then why have you invited him to live with you?

He's already trying to call the shots ffs.

He does not understand or respect your dd. I would not let him move in.

He doesn’t get to say what he wants in your house. Please always put your daughter first.
Where do people find these horrible men?

I wouldn't move him in until the kids have left home. Why do you need to blend the families? It's not going to be in your DD's best interests.

An 8 year old girl will want privacy from a brother in 2-3 years time. You need a future proofed plan. If you are happy with the relationship the way it is for now I would delay moving in until the children are older and you have the resources for a bigger house.

Wow. He’s seen you coming hasn’t he? So he gets a free house for him and his kids. A new skivvy (you) on tap who will look after them all. Not only does he not have to pay a penny of rent, he’s only covering 50% of the bills despite having more children than you so you’ll be paying for his kids. He’s already planning on kicking your dd out of her room so his son can have it all to himself, and making your dd share. And the ultimate goal is for you all to move to a four bed, with no doubt you paying 50%, just to accommodate HIS two children that he’s moving in. What a fucking prince. You need your head examining even considering moving this man in, especially after explaining your DD’s disabilities and him not giving a shit, him and his children come first in your house apparently. Your DD’s already being treated like shit and he’s not even wormed his way in there yet

I would personally see this as a red flag. He's not listening to you. And frankly, even if his DDs share, that's not a long term solution either.

Don't move in, or move to a bigger house where there is space for everyone to have their own room.

I don’t think they should move in full stop. It’s too much to ask of them to all play happy families. Neither of you has enough space to happily house 3 children.

Don't move in. Put your child first.

Why the rush? If you and DP are going to go the distance you've got the rest of your lives when your children are adults to share a home.

If you're moving in because his contract is ending, that's completely the wrong reason to take the leap.

It's not too late to back out. Follow your gut.

Did you have plans to move in together before it became a matter of convenience for him?

I wish there was a like button.

Your house doesn't have sufficient room for everyone, its as simple as that. Soon those children will grow and will not want to share, then the whole thing will raise its ugly head again. Its not just the bedroom though, your daughter is being forced to share her home with all of these people. I'm in a similar situation (but with enough bedrooms for everyone to have their own) and I still don't want my children having to share their home so he's not moving in. These men do like to get their feet under the table, don't they? I really don't see the benefit to your daughter here.

DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

And yet they are sharing with him at the minute because he isn't putting his hand in his pocket to rent a bigger place for them.

It is absolutely not more logical for the two girls to share just because they are girls, they aren't even related!