To not move him in as I don’t want DD sharing a room?

[SharingARoom]

I have DD, 8 almost 9 Y4.

DP has:
DD 8, Y3
DS 4, Nursery

All 3 DC are at the same school. I have full residency of DD and she visits her dad 1 night EOWend. DP has 50/50 residency of his DC.

I currently have a 3 bed house.

Bedroom 1 is my room
Bedroom 2 is my spare/office space
Bedroom 3 is DDs room.

DD has SN and a medical condition, her space is her sanctuary to get away from it – she always says it’s the only space that is totally hers and she can do what she wants in it (within reason obviously, I don’t allow it to be very messy or for her to write on the walls but it’s her space, decorated exactly how she wants it and with her things where she wants them). It’s also where she goes if she’s having a meltdown. It’s a single room but big enough for her to have a tent den. I do not under any circumstances want her to have to share that space, I deliberately gave her the smaller room when I moved in for this reason, as there’s no moving her aside into a smaller/bigger room or making her share if circumstances change.

It’s my house that I own (well mortgaged). DP is moving in from rented when his contract ends in a few months, he’s in a 2 bed so his DCs share. They also share at their mums.

I have told DP his DC can share the spare room and we can decorate it, it’s big enough for a double bed so they could easily have a side each, although it#s not big enough for a physical divider due to where the window is.

DP wants his DD to go in with my DD in bedroom 2 and his DS to have bedroom 3 as they’re both girls. I have said even if DD didn’t have SN, I still don’t think I’d want her sharing, this is her only home and room – she shares a room at her dads/grandparents with her cousin and it's my house I've paid for. DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

I have said no, they either share bedroom 2 or DP doesn’t move in. I am happy in future to move to a 4 bed so they can all have their own rooms, but it's awhile away yet. DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us and we will still pay for our own holidays with our own DC then have seperate nights away.

So WIBU?

YANBU - DD doesn't share with DPs DD
YABU - DD should share with DPs DD

Your whole house is your bairns safe space OP, not just her room. Moving 3 other people in might be awful for her.

Just no, keeping bairns settled is important, especially if they have SN.

Sorry, haven't read everyone else's responses so apologise if I'm repeating anyone.

Looking at this from your DDs perspective, she'd be expected to give up her room for your DPs son, who will only be there half the week. On top of this she'll have to share her new room with another child so won't have any private space. If I was her I'd be very resentful.

Also, if your DP gives up his rental, what happens if this doesn't work out? He will then be homeless and it would be awful making him and his DC move out.

Ha, no. Tell him he can arrange the bedrooms however he wants in his own house.

This too. I'm autistic and my mum adding a stepdad who didn't have DCs was stressful enough.

It's pretty unanimous OP. Do not move this man and his two kids into your home. Your house is a safe place for your DD AND for you. You stand to lose everything and gain nothing, and you're not even that bothered about living with him. Tell him no, you're going to keep things as they are. I agree with others that his reaction will be very interesting

Absolutely not - this is a recipe for your DD to feel very resentful of the other DC.

YANBU and I agree with PP that moving in together probably isn't a very good idea.

18 months is a very very short time to be together before trying to blend families like this, and with your DDs additional needs in the picture too I think it would be unwise to consider this until at least another 2.5 years have passed with your two families sharing a lot of your lives together but living in separate houses.

He can carry on renting for the time being, and start saving. In around winter 2025 see if you can buy a 4 or 5 bed home together - making sure that the proportions and ownership are properly ring-fenced and that he is contributing a fair amount if he is getting the use of 2.5 bedrooms and you are only getting the use of 1.5 (with 5 bedrooms it would be an easier split as you could have your study, DDs bedroom and a half-share of the master bedroom and he can have his DD room, DS room and a half-share of the master bedroom so a 50:50 split of contributions would be fair)

But even so, only go ahead with this if you are 100% sure that it won't be detrimental to any of the DC involved.

Don't move him in! Your dd shouldn't have to share, but his dc shouldn't have to share a double bed either. It sounds like a recipe for unhappiness all round.

I'm afraid I agree with this post.

You're absolutely right and lovely to see that you'll put your DDs comfort above everything and protect her safe space.

DD doesn't share or he doesn't move in would be my opinion. 18months seems a little quick to be moving in anyway no?

💯 with you op. Stand your ground a land protect dd’s stability.

Also, without wanting to be mean about your partner…this is just the first thing he’s got an opinion on about how you run your home. Next it’ll be what food you buy in the shopping and the interior decor…you’re moving from a lovely place of independence to a place of constantly having to deal with someone else’s opinions and compromising on everything…

You’ve got yourself a cocklodging cheeker fucker OP.

The simple rule is that your relationship with your new partner should never be to the detriment of your child.

It looks to me like it's too soon for him to move in if he's unhappy with the arrangement. Your child should not lose out because of your romantic relationship, keep the status quo as it is, why does he need to move in anyway?

You sounds like a great mum with good boundaries. Your DD is lucky to have you as her advocate. I'm afraid I agree with @Fiddlerdragon, there are a lot of red flags here and it would seem sensible to put the whole plan on hold for a bit.

Where did OP say he's not paying? But if that's the case, even more reason why she should not move him in.

Me too. I think your daughter's needs are the most important factor here.

You need to tell your DP to look at this from a child’s point of view; regardless of any SEN.

Your DP’s son gets his own room, something he’s never had before! This is being rewarded for your relationship.

Your DD now has to share, something she has never had to do before. She is being punished for your relationship. And worst of all her old room stands unused for 50% of the week. Double kick in the teeth!

This has the potential to cause resentment from your daughter (and potentially his who has to share with someone she’s not related to) and this could in turn cause big issues in your relationship.

Your DP will be trying to be logical but that is not how the kids and especially your daughter will see it.

I can’t see how you benefit from him moving in if he isn’t helping with the mortgage. Presumably he can stay over when he doesn’t have his DC, and occasionally when he does too? So you already see plenty of him without him moving in?

I can easily see how it will disadvantage your DC - even if they don’t have to share, but even more so if they do.

I can easily see how it will benefit him. No rent to pay, bills halved - and I’ll bet you end up doing more than 50% of the housework/childcare.

No brainer. Say no.

In the OP she says he won’t be on the mortgage and won’t be contributing towards it, but will be splitting the bills 50/50.

DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us

Don’t move him in. He doesn’t respect you or your daughter’s boundaries.

However, it’s refreshing to read a thread by a poster with clear and defended boundaries of her own.

Fully agree with this.

Two things...

One is that I don't think your daughter's life will be improved by having three new people live in her house.

Secondly who the hell does he think he is, planning on living rent-free in your home and telling you who sleeps where?

OP, you'd have to be nuts to even consider this.

he doesn't move in.

it isn't reasonable for you to ignore your daughters needs by making her share and you've made your position clear.

it isn't reasonable for him to expect his daughter to share at 12/13 with a younger brother. Long term he needs to provide for his daughters privacy. She could hit puberty in the next few years.
Its questionable whether its reasonable for his kids to move into a home where they are not treated equally to the other child, so having to share mixed sex at increasing ages because the other child can't / won't share.
So he shouldn't be prepared to move in.

what would happen if you had a child together re space?

you can live together when between you you can afford a house to meet everyone's needs

This has disaster written all over it.Did you suggest he moves in with you or did he?The house will be too crowded do the children actually get on a lot different to 24 hours together. Think very carefully.