To not move him in as I don’t want DD sharing a room?

[SharingARoom]

I have DD, 8 almost 9 Y4.

DP has:
DD 8, Y3
DS 4, Nursery

All 3 DC are at the same school. I have full residency of DD and she visits her dad 1 night EOWend. DP has 50/50 residency of his DC.

I currently have a 3 bed house.

Bedroom 1 is my room
Bedroom 2 is my spare/office space
Bedroom 3 is DDs room.

DD has SN and a medical condition, her space is her sanctuary to get away from it – she always says it’s the only space that is totally hers and she can do what she wants in it (within reason obviously, I don’t allow it to be very messy or for her to write on the walls but it’s her space, decorated exactly how she wants it and with her things where she wants them). It’s also where she goes if she’s having a meltdown. It’s a single room but big enough for her to have a tent den. I do not under any circumstances want her to have to share that space, I deliberately gave her the smaller room when I moved in for this reason, as there’s no moving her aside into a smaller/bigger room or making her share if circumstances change.

It’s my house that I own (well mortgaged). DP is moving in from rented when his contract ends in a few months, he’s in a 2 bed so his DCs share. They also share at their mums.

I have told DP his DC can share the spare room and we can decorate it, it’s big enough for a double bed so they could easily have a side each, although it#s not big enough for a physical divider due to where the window is.

DP wants his DD to go in with my DD in bedroom 2 and his DS to have bedroom 3 as they’re both girls. I have said even if DD didn’t have SN, I still don’t think I’d want her sharing, this is her only home and room – she shares a room at her dads/grandparents with her cousin and it's my house I've paid for. DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

I have said no, they either share bedroom 2 or DP doesn’t move in. I am happy in future to move to a 4 bed so they can all have their own rooms, but it's awhile away yet. DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us and we will still pay for our own holidays with our own DC then have seperate nights away.

So WIBU?

YANBU - DD doesn't share with DPs DD
YABU - DD should share with DPs DD

I wouldn't move in with him full stop OP. He thought it was ok to ask you to put your DD second to his own DC. And he's not even over the threshold yet. That's a red flag.
I think having the extra DC around could be miserable for her full stop if she particularly needs her own space. I'd just advise to give this more thought as its clearly made you uneasy for which YANBU.

Don’t move him in. It’s a daft idea all round.

You have 3 or 4 years until his DD might no longer feel happy sharing with her brother. If you are still in the same house you'll get manipulated into the girls sharing then...

Ha! He's moving in to your home, not paying a penny in rent and he thinks he can dictate your daughter's sleeping arrangements?

Tell him to jog on. Cheeky fucker.

Really don't understand why you are moving in together... sounds crazy!
As a single parent myself I would never move in with another man especially one with children! Who does 50/50 as well!!

My kids would hate it, why should any of them have to share with another persons children, his and yours.

He really should find his own place and put all your children's stability before anything.

Don't move in with him OP.

Your DD needs you to prioritise her and her needs and not to make her share a bedroom with a non-related child.

Fwiw I've been with my DP for over 5 years and we don't live together. We each have DC. I am in my own small house (mortgaged) which isn't big enough to also have his DC. He's in rented and not a chance am I moving my DC's out of their home and into rented just to facilitate my romantic life.

Stand your ground and do not move in with him.

Agree with pp’s, don’t move him in. He’s a cocklodger in waiting and a cf to boot. This would be the wrong thing for your dd.

Put your child first and do not move in with him.

I agree. I'm someone who's always bemused by how some posters on mn are horrified by children sharing rooms, as IME it's common and totally normal. But sharing with step siblings is a different kettle of fish imo

YANBU and he doesn't sound nice.

I would reconsider moving in together.

Do not move in with him. Keeping your living arrangements separate until you can buy a big enough property together.

Absolutely no way would I compromise my DD's needs in the way he's suggesting. 100% with you op. Personally I'd not be moving in together but that's just me. Stand your ground.

Watch out for the Can't Wait Until We Are All A Proper Family ploy... The clue to this speech being on the way is his tenancy is running out... Never a man more in love than a homeless one.

No, don't do this, you need to halt his move, the fact he's already showing he doesn't understand your dd's needs is a very big red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Definitely don't move in with him. You are totally right to put your young daughter first. It sounds as though he's taking away from, ragging than contributing to, your life and happiness.

100% this. Moving into your home, trying to dictate where his kids sleep, trying to give his kids priority over your daughter in her own home?
Please think twice about letting him move in.

I don’t think the op was suggesting the children share a double bed. She was just trying to explain the size of the room by saying it fits a double bed. That’s how I understood it anyway.

YANBU

with them moving in, having her own safe place she can retreat to is likely to become even more important. to be honest I’d think this way even if she didn’t have additional needs.

I think the whole moving in thing needs a rethink. Wait until you’re both in a position to get a bigger house (and protect your investment carefully). It all sounds very convenient for him, moving in to a nice house, rooms for his kids etc etc - but potentially a very negative move for your child and therefore for you.

Don't move in with him even if you do have a four bedroom house.
You will always be 'outgunned' because there are three of them and two of you, he will dominate the household and he will make sure that he & his children come before you & your child.

100% you need to put DC first in any new relationship/blended family situation.

Only if it benefits everyone including all DC should you do anything like moving in. Otherwise it's a recipe for disaster and resentment longer term.

Also does he even acknowledge your dd has SN? Is he going to expect her behaviour to par his dd's? My exh had a dd in the middle of my dd's ages...very difficult ime.

Don't move him in. If the relationship stays the distance then you can look at buying a larger property together and ensure that your respective financial contributions are protected and ringfenced.

In a blended family situation the children need to come first and pushing one child out so a man and two kids can dictate the house arrangements would be unfair.

Good on your for noticing and putting your DC first OP.

No chance!
That is your daughters home and her room, her sanctuary as you say.
Never put a man’s feelings above your own child’s. He doesn’t get to move in to a cosy established home and change the rules at the detriment of the resident child.
It has disaster written all over it.

@Takemyselfdancing Why not sharing the double room? I can't very well move them into the smaller room as it's my DDs room.

We've been together 18 months, plan to move in around the 2 year mark but I'm not bothered about living with him, so if he won't make his DC share he can stay put where they have to share anyway.