To not move him in as I don’t want DD sharing a room?

[SharingARoom]

I have DD, 8 almost 9 Y4.

DP has:
DD 8, Y3
DS 4, Nursery

All 3 DC are at the same school. I have full residency of DD and she visits her dad 1 night EOWend. DP has 50/50 residency of his DC.

I currently have a 3 bed house.

Bedroom 1 is my room
Bedroom 2 is my spare/office space
Bedroom 3 is DDs room.

DD has SN and a medical condition, her space is her sanctuary to get away from it – she always says it’s the only space that is totally hers and she can do what she wants in it (within reason obviously, I don’t allow it to be very messy or for her to write on the walls but it’s her space, decorated exactly how she wants it and with her things where she wants them). It’s also where she goes if she’s having a meltdown. It’s a single room but big enough for her to have a tent den. I do not under any circumstances want her to have to share that space, I deliberately gave her the smaller room when I moved in for this reason, as there’s no moving her aside into a smaller/bigger room or making her share if circumstances change.

It’s my house that I own (well mortgaged). DP is moving in from rented when his contract ends in a few months, he’s in a 2 bed so his DCs share. They also share at their mums.

I have told DP his DC can share the spare room and we can decorate it, it’s big enough for a double bed so they could easily have a side each, although it#s not big enough for a physical divider due to where the window is.

DP wants his DD to go in with my DD in bedroom 2 and his DS to have bedroom 3 as they’re both girls. I have said even if DD didn’t have SN, I still don’t think I’d want her sharing, this is her only home and room – she shares a room at her dads/grandparents with her cousin and it's my house I've paid for. DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

I have said no, they either share bedroom 2 or DP doesn’t move in. I am happy in future to move to a 4 bed so they can all have their own rooms, but it's awhile away yet. DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us and we will still pay for our own holidays with our own DC then have seperate nights away.

So WIBU?

YANBU - DD doesn't share with DPs DD
YABU - DD should share with DPs DD

@SharingARoom hang on he’s going to be living rent free!? AND is making noises about going against your clear wishes?!

Yanbu. Even without the send his kids are only there 50% of the time, yours is thee 100% of the time. You also need to consider how this will work when his are too old to share. I'd say third option he doesn't move in at all.

Yep.

Will your DD cope with 2 other children in the house all the time?

She may have her own space in her room but all other areas will be shared.

DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him

There's a simple solution to that then isn't there.

This move doesn't benefit you, OP, and with three more people in the house I doubt it will be anything other than a net negative for your DD.

I don’t think OP is sensible at all.

Sensible would be dating a man for at least a year before introducing him to her children and her to his. Instead after 18 months they are planning on blending their families and it doesn’t sound good.

why are you so keen to move in together so quickly? Is it financial? I can appreciate the drive to cut down living expenses, especially as life has got very expensive. But I’d slow right down. As pointed out upthread he is already dictating the ts and cs. He has clearly not accepted your opinion hence why you’ve asked on here. If you’ve been on mn before you’ll know it’s chock full of women lamenting their crappy parters so just chill your boots, enjoy your relationship from your own house, raise your child your way and think about moving in together way down the line.

I would be concerned that he agrees to the rooms, but then changes his mind when they all move in and makes life truly awkward for everyone. It would potentially be 3 vs 2 as well. Your dd would end up resenting everyone. I would let them keep living apart (for the foreseeable future, anyway).

Don’t move your boyfriend in.

I’d recommend this option.

And give serious thought to ditching him as he seems to think he can tell you how to live in your own home and has no consideration for your child.

Not a keeper.

Moving in is of no benefit to any of the kids.

You would be compromising their lives for a relatively short relationship.

You just need to slow everything down and get to know this guy properly. His kids are very young and he should really be concentrating on them before blending them into another new family.

Why on earth do you want him to move in? What will he actually add to yours and DD life.

No, your dd is the priority, and he doesn’t pay for a house that gives his kids their own room now but thinks you should provide that? When he’s not actually paying you any rent? He’s a complete cock lodger . If he moves in he will continue to prioritise his kids who will be too old to share soon enough … a nightmare waiting to happen

I have to agree with this.

My daughter has autism. She needs lots of space. It is emotionally distressing if she doesn't have a space to call her own. Please don't let this man move in. You haven't known him that long, and he is only putting his needs first in this arrangement. He would save on housing costs and bills, have an extra adult at home to watch his kids and he doesn't understand your daughter's needs. If the relationship doesn't work out, you have to evict him and his kids. This would have an impact on your children, and he may struggle to find a rental property. The kids may not even get along, and it would be a huge compromise on space and noise for you. If this man is genuine, he would make a plan towards buying a larger house with you as tenants in common. He would do this for the best interests of the blended family. It is not surprising that all the replies to your post have echoed these concerns about his intentions and priorities.

We've been together 18 months, plan to move in around the 2 year mark but I'm not bothered about living with him, so if he won't make his DC share he can stay put where they have to share anyway.

18 months is really early to be considering this. I'd leave it a few more years at least. Imagine how strained it might get from going to a household of 2 to 5 overnight.

This sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. He seems to be dictating what happens in your home and this affects your DD. You are right to put your DD first.

If he moves in you could find yourself pushed to making the girls share, so the boy can have his own space especially as they get older. in two years time he will be 6 and the girl will be 10 … sharing won’t work well then will it….

It would be a much better idea to get a new house together, then you are both on equal footing which will also be better

It's a no brainer for me. Your DD comes first. Perhaps further down the line you'd get a house together with enough appropriate space for everyone's needs, but your current house only really suits you & DD as it stands. I wouldn't disturb your DD's peace/sanctuary (or even your spare room office really, actually).

His thinking is 'my children should not have to share a room therefore I should move into your house where I can give them a room each', as said if he genuinely thought it was a priority that his children had a room each he would have moved into a three bedroom property.
I highly suspect the reason he selected you OP is because he's got his eye on your house.

Quite aside from the bedroom issue, how will your DD cope in your home with 3 extra people in it? Will it be too busy or cramped or overwhelming for her?

You haven’t known him long enough, put your daughter first instead of your fanny ffs!!

Tell him he will not be moving in until your youngest is 18, his reaction will tell you everything.
Why can't he buy or rent on his own anyway?

Agreed.

Why on earth would you want this man and his children moving in and disrupting your life with DD?

You can still date him, without all the shit bits that come from a situation like this.

Just say that on reflection, he should get somewhere on his own, it’s not going to work. If he dumps you then you have clearly dodged a bullet.

Once he is in, it will be much harder to move him out than to say no in the first place.

No way would i be letting this man move in.

Put your daughter and her needs first

If anyone moved into my house which they weren't paying towards and told me my daughter give up her separate space, they would be moving straight back out.
If HE wants HIS children not to share a room HE can provide a suitable house.

OP, read about cuckoos and other species that have brood parasitism as a reproductive strategy. Then look at the parallels between brood parasitism and this guy's willingness to elbow your DD aside to benefit his DS. Then LTB.