To not move him in as I don’t want DD sharing a room?

[SharingARoom]

I have DD, 8 almost 9 Y4.

DP has:
DD 8, Y3
DS 4, Nursery

All 3 DC are at the same school. I have full residency of DD and she visits her dad 1 night EOWend. DP has 50/50 residency of his DC.

I currently have a 3 bed house.

Bedroom 1 is my room
Bedroom 2 is my spare/office space
Bedroom 3 is DDs room.

DD has SN and a medical condition, her space is her sanctuary to get away from it – she always says it’s the only space that is totally hers and she can do what she wants in it (within reason obviously, I don’t allow it to be very messy or for her to write on the walls but it’s her space, decorated exactly how she wants it and with her things where she wants them). It’s also where she goes if she’s having a meltdown. It’s a single room but big enough for her to have a tent den. I do not under any circumstances want her to have to share that space, I deliberately gave her the smaller room when I moved in for this reason, as there’s no moving her aside into a smaller/bigger room or making her share if circumstances change.

It’s my house that I own (well mortgaged). DP is moving in from rented when his contract ends in a few months, he’s in a 2 bed so his DCs share. They also share at their mums.

I have told DP his DC can share the spare room and we can decorate it, it’s big enough for a double bed so they could easily have a side each, although it#s not big enough for a physical divider due to where the window is.

DP wants his DD to go in with my DD in bedroom 2 and his DS to have bedroom 3 as they’re both girls. I have said even if DD didn’t have SN, I still don’t think I’d want her sharing, this is her only home and room – she shares a room at her dads/grandparents with her cousin and it's my house I've paid for. DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

I have said no, they either share bedroom 2 or DP doesn’t move in. I am happy in future to move to a 4 bed so they can all have their own rooms, but it's awhile away yet. DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us and we will still pay for our own holidays with our own DC then have seperate nights away.

So WIBU?

YANBU - DD doesn't share with DPs DD
YABU - DD should share with DPs DD

YANBU!

Please, please don't let this man move into your house. He gaining lots and looking for more before ever moving in. You may love him but he's not respecting you and more to the point your daughter. Even if he does agree to your daughter keeping her room (how dare he when suggest otherwise, total cf) once he's got his feet under the table he'll put the pressure on to get his own way, it might be done quietly and slowly but it'll be done and because he's there with his kids you're outnumbered and under pressure. Your daughter will suffer from knowing she's the 'problem' causing bad feeling etc. Please let him provide a home for his children just as you do for yours, he and his children are not your responsibility despite lots of men managing to find women to house and rear their kids for them. Be strong lady and keep him on the cold side of your front door.

I'd be concerned that he'd agree in order to move in then when there start to complain and try to pressure you into giving in.

You’re not bothered about moving him in, so seriously don’t. If there are problems now they will only get bigger and you would need to be 100% committed. 18 months is not long when you are considering such big changes.

Have you discussed finances if his DC’s are there 50/50 and do you currently receive any benefit top up that you will lose? Have you discussed childcare? What is the relationship with the ex like?

Have you discussed this with your DD, especially given her own needs?

Just let him find somewhere else to rent.

It would be a big No from me.

I would be watching him very carefully to see how his demeanor changes when you decide that you no longer want to move in together. This will show you the extent to which his wanting to be with you is driven by wanting the advantages of the home that you own.
I think that moving in with you is a big prize for him, if he wants it badly he should be keeping you sweet and agreeing to everything you say but he can't help himself, he's trying to dictate terms before he's moved in. This suggests to me that he already feels he is 'The Boss' in your relationship.
His feelings of entitlement and desire to dominate will only escalate once he has you trapped- and you will be trapped because he will have relinquished his tenancy it will be hard to get a new one and he & his children will have nowhere to go, you can hardly put them out on the street can you 🤷

Do not move him in!! He hasn’t even moved in yet and he is already pushing boundaries, or should I say trying to disrespect all of your boundaries!

I think you are spot on. Your daughter needs her space.

Don't let him move in.

Don't let him move in. He has everything to gain and there's absolutely nothing in it for you.

Adequately housing his children is his problem - not yours.

Continue living apart and protect yours and your daughter's home; I'm sure your vagina will cope without having a resident cock lodger

How does his DD feel about sharing with your DD? She may not want to do this either.

BY moving in with you he will not be paying rent...so what will happen to that money? if it is going towards a bigger house then you should have access to that money also...if he decided after two years that he didn't want to buy a bigger house with you, he would have two years worth of savings but you would have subsidized him for nothing.
Your DD definitely needs her own space.....does she like his children? Is she happy to share her house 50% of the time?

Quite simply, I would always put my children first before any new relationship. And I wouldn’t even countenance a relationship, let alone cohabiting, with someone who tried to override that.

I promised my kids I wouldn't move another man in and they are late teens! Home is their sanctuary.

I would literally hate to be 'blended' with another family that I wasn't related to and I didn't choose, with some horrid man telling my mum to make me share a room. No wonder he wants to move in, he doesn't own a house, and his rental is coming to an end. There's just nothing in this for your dd and everything in it for him (you taking his kids to school, you cooking for them, I bet you do some of this already).

I wouldn't be going through with the move, especially in light of how detrimental it will be to your DD with SEN. It's just not going to work. He will be whining about rooms as soon as he moves in, and what's the long term plan? A bigger home financed by you both? I'd step back from this move and see how he reacts and how the relationship develops.

He doesn’t sound very nice too me but if you think you’ll stay with him, you could wait a few years until you’re able to move into the bigger 4-bed house you mention where you all might stand a fighting chance. But TBH, from his attitude to this, it doesn’t sound like you’ll last that long.

Of course it's big enough. Do you think all children have their own rooms??

@SharingARoom

No, DD needs her room & would even more so if you move 3 extra people in!

personally, I wouldn't be moving him in, I don't like his attitude. I'd tell him to renew his lease or get a new flat (whatever) and that you can look at moving in together in the future, when you teally really want to. Don't just be a convenient 'next home' place!!! Because his rental is up.

in the meantime look at him more critically, I don't think he sounds great tbh.

Personally I would be loathe to move him in full stop. Secondly I would want to be protecting the asset for my children and taking appropriate advice to do that. Make sure if you own jointly in the future it's as tenants in common leaving your share to your children. Otherwise house could be inherited by one of you and then passed only to that one's children.

Just don't move in together until you can afford to both contribute to a 4 bedroom home.

Just to highlight OP has been with this BF for 18MONTHS.

These kids are near strangers to her OP, they are not siblings!

You really need a plan for what happens in a couple of years when his DC can’t share, because otherwise you will be forced to move the girls in together. I wouldn’t do it at all if I were you.

Loving that he “wants this”. Cool, he can put his hand in his pocket and fork out for you to either move to a 4 bed or do an extension to add a bedroom. Let me guess he doesn’t have the funds for either option? So why do you have to pay for what HE wants for HIS children? They share at their mothers so no biggy surely?

Nah, no way. As others face said his reaction to the No to this request will be very indicative.

Good on you for questioning this by the way. Some people wouldn’t

DD has SN and a medical condition, her space is her sanctuary to get away from it – she always says it’s the only space that is totally hers and she can do what she wants in it (within reason obviously, I don’t allow it to be very messy or for her to write on the walls but it’s her space, decorated exactly how she wants it and with her things where she wants them). It’s also where she goes if she’s having a meltdown. It’s a single room but big enough for her to have a tent den. I do not under any circumstances want her to have to share that space, I deliberately gave her the smaller room when I moved in for this reason, as there’s no moving her aside into a smaller/bigger room or making her share if circumstances change

This paragraph shouts volumes, OP. Usually I shrug at children sharing rooms as it’s not the end of the world, but in this case it’s your DD’s home and she was there first. Like you say it’s her sanctuary and to have someone else’s kids come in and trample all over that happy balance she has with her own room, would be awful for her. Especially with her having SN and a medical condition. Keep him and his kids away.

Run, run away, he's showing you who he is now it will only get worse once his feet are under the table.

Don't move in.
wait and make a plan for a 4 bed and you can rent your place out to help reduce costs.

He keeps his place and stays with you when he doesn't have the kids until such time that he can put 50% towards the mortgage and equal your downpayment if you buy a bigger house together.

Your DD is more important than his wants.

100% this.