I am probably being mean but......

[razz]

Its a long one so I can try not to dripfeed. When my DH and I met I had a great job, good money, own (but mortgaged!!!) house and he earnt very little but was following a passion. We had our first child, I was still the main breadwinner but have always loved working (I am not really cut out to be a SAHM!) so have never minded that. Fast forward to DC2 DH had a much better job so I gave up work (happily) to look at DC2 and then DC3 when they arrived. Went back to work after 3 years working about 30 hours a week. Over the last 7 years I have retrained (whilst working full time) and got a great job with fab prospects. I have been approached by my boss about a promotion that will be even more challenging than my current role, more travel and lots more money (likely just below 100k). DH has a good job, decent money, still a bit of a passion but not as 'fun' as he once thought it was. So to cut a long story short...if I get the new job DH says he wants to give up work. DC are now late teens, DH does very little around the house (we have never had a cleaner), doesn't decorate, repair stuff or anything like that - I have always done 90% of everything. The issue is that I don't want him to. Mainly because I don't see why he should get to do what he wants all day (he wants to spend more time on his hobby....long days out in the country with his mates) and not contribute. I dont want to give up work so it isnt jealousy. I just know he won't keep up with the household choirs like I do so I will still need to do all that and the kids dont need full time care like they did when I wasn't working. I also accept that I am probably being mean. Am I? What would you do?

Compromise? Maybe he could move to a part time job?

So he has never really pulled his weight, and now he just wants to sponge off you? Unless he’s ill or something, I can’t see why this would be acceptable.

I don’t think you’re being mean, regardless of how much you love it you’re still doing a job of work and he doesn’t seem to be pulling his weight.

If I was earning this salary I'd encourage my DH ti give up work, because his work is a bit intense and manual and he works far from home. I'd love him to have the freedom to be home more, but he's brilliant around the house, does all jobs and DIY so the circumstances are different.

We'll hang on @BuffyTheCat DH has financially funded the most in the past, and presumably OP was satisfied with the 90% or would've said so.

Compromise seems to be the way forward. OP takes the new job, DH asks his job for flexible working to say 3 days per week.

They get a cleaner.

I would never encourage anyone to depend on their partner for money.

And your partner sounds especially useless and selfish.

You'll resent him. Tell him to respect him you would expect him to contribute

So if you never had a cleaner did you clean the house? (I don't get that point)

No way, my husband tried something similar. Not give up work but more as I earned so much more he felt he didn’t need to contribute to our living expenses any more. I told him he was an adult and he’d be contributing and if he didn’t he could leave. It wasn’t about the money it was about the fact he was an adult and the effort and desire was key. It was never discussed again.

YANBU. He sounds like a lazy bastard.

Hmm I'm torn , you are doing what you want to do so I can see why he wants to do the same
I think it's unfair to put your standards of housekeeping on him though but you'd have to be strong to ignore it
I suppose you could give it a trial run or he could get a PT position

Tbh if you like working and he doesn't, it wouldn't bother me. But, he'd need to do the housework.

I'd just tell him "I want to see how you get on first, so for a while I want you to take on all the housework and if you do it, then that's fine. But you can't just not have a job, nor do housework"

How old is he? Do his mates not have jobs or are they retired? It may seem like a wonderful idea to him but I bet he would get bored after a while. If he doesn't like his job he should consider another one. I don't think you're being mean at all.

Nope. He wants to be a cocklodger, say no!

I would let him cut his hours significantly (maybe down to 20/25?) with the absolute clear agreement that the housework and childcare is the priority. Yes the DC’s are teens but they still need looked after in terms of appointments etc. Everything that you would have done while off work he must do.

Could he afford his hobby lifestyle without you funding it?

YANBU. No way. So he wants you to find his retirement. Fuck that. Even if he treated you like a queen he is compromising his own pension contributions by not working.

Tell him he needs to work at least part time to pay for the cleaner, decorators, repair people, gardener (and any other service you have to hire in because he doesn't do it).

I'd tell him no. And if I were a man and he were my wife I'd also tell him no. No desire whatsoever to keep a dependent adult, even if they were the best housekeeper and cook in the world. It would be cheaper to have a cleaner and get takeaways.

It is really important that he doesn't do this. You could get ill or have to take time off work for any number of reasons, and he needs to be functioning in the workplace, not unemployable after slacking off for years. I would say the same if the genders were reversed, at the age your children are. It's not fair for one parent to carry all the financial responsibility.

Dh had a 9 month gap in work and did absolutely everything while I worked. No way would I be happy if he chilled all day while I worked. When I was a sahm it was the same.

What she wants to provides the family income. What he wants to do reduces it.

Ask him what he plans to do about his pension?

So you do all the housework the kidwork the life work you also has a job he works but does none? Of the other things? And his big idea is to quit his job the only thing he does? If you wanted to do everything alone you would just divorce him because he brings nothing to the table

Mean, he's done a number on you if even a tiny part of you thinks not wanting this set up as being mean.