I am probably being mean but......

[razz]

Its a long one so I can try not to dripfeed. When my DH and I met I had a great job, good money, own (but mortgaged!!!) house and he earnt very little but was following a passion. We had our first child, I was still the main breadwinner but have always loved working (I am not really cut out to be a SAHM!) so have never minded that. Fast forward to DC2 DH had a much better job so I gave up work (happily) to look at DC2 and then DC3 when they arrived. Went back to work after 3 years working about 30 hours a week. Over the last 7 years I have retrained (whilst working full time) and got a great job with fab prospects. I have been approached by my boss about a promotion that will be even more challenging than my current role, more travel and lots more money (likely just below 100k). DH has a good job, decent money, still a bit of a passion but not as 'fun' as he once thought it was. So to cut a long story short...if I get the new job DH says he wants to give up work. DC are now late teens, DH does very little around the house (we have never had a cleaner), doesn't decorate, repair stuff or anything like that - I have always done 90% of everything. The issue is that I don't want him to. Mainly because I don't see why he should get to do what he wants all day (he wants to spend more time on his hobby....long days out in the country with his mates) and not contribute. I dont want to give up work so it isnt jealousy. I just know he won't keep up with the household choirs like I do so I will still need to do all that and the kids dont need full time care like they did when I wasn't working. I also accept that I am probably being mean. Am I? What would you do?

Why does contemplating a life without working make someone a CF automatically? Sure, if it doesn't work for the household or the other partner isn't ok being a sole earner, fine, but many people would want their partner to be able to reduce or quit their work if they themselves started earning a lot. I would! I want my partner to enjoy his life as much as possible. If he was a CF in other ways, then that's its own problem. It's not all about work.

No way, I would find it such a turn off that he wanted to live off my wages and not contribute anything. Maybe if he did his fair share of housework and the running of the household now and actively talked about taking over more. Not so he could mooch around with his friends living the life of Riley.

It's a hard no from me too.
As a compromise I'd set a time frame for him to go part-time if you can get him to commit to running the house like a job.
Get a cleaner and get him taking charge of food shopping and meal planning at the very least for a long period of time. If it works and he pulls his weight then talk about part-time.
I think that without compromise and discussion you will end up simmmering with resentment at his stress free easy life you are paying for - not just with money but your sanity too.

Can I please ask what you retrained to do? Am thinking of changing careers..

Absolutely, I totally agree with you! That’s why I suggested a trial run basis and that he does all the DIY/does house up at the same time. I wonder if husband maybe feels that he wants a period off work and equates it to being a SAHM, which is OBVIOUSLY not the same as raising children. But it’s an experience men don’t have unless they are a SAHD. And I think maybe if her husband wants time off work, being a SAHD for teenagers and doing the all the house responsibilities, cleaning, DIY and doing the house up might be a way for him to get what he wants but also give something back and take a bit of weight off wife’s shoulders?

Though obviously this is all a conversation they need to have and at the end of the day, what they are or aren’t happy with is what goes

Well you are a CF as well !!
Why? I work 30 plus hours in a busy shop, write at night time and early mornings, have 4 kids, if dh was suddenly earning large figures, why wouldn’t we discuss me just concentrating on writing? If I ever get rich from it he can do what he wants!!!

Sounds like me n my partner. It's infuriating and also not fair. I am losing the will where he is concerned. Have aid out for everything over the years, took a less demanding job with a big salary cut but still paid out childcare, etc. I don't have a pension because of this while he does and he buys coats and trainers all the frickin time.

i wouldn’t want my partner to not work .. he ll be doing what he wants all day making more mess round the house for you to sort when you get home after work .. you could end up resenting him if you earning all the money and doing all the chores too. It’s not like one of you needs to be home for childcare either. Maybe suggest he sticks at this job but looks for something he d enjoy more.

This

Not sure what to do if he doesn't step up, or steps up for a few weeks then relapses once he has given up work

How would you not resent him, if he didn't step up on the housework ?

I would not do it as you do not seem in a super stable financial position (no savings) despite your high salary which you might one day lose. Also if you think he won’t do anything at home you will also need to pay for help, as with such job it would be crazy for you to do everything at home, while he does nothing all day. However if he had good savings and you could afford a lot of house help, I can’t see why you should be bothered he does nothing.

there are loads of women who are SAHM with teenager or adult kids who literally do nothing at home as they have cleaners and spend the whole days in cafes, at the gym, meeting friends and at beaty centres. they get pocket money regularly l. When they divorce they get houses and very geniuses alimony, allowing them to continue the lifestyle. No one seems shocked so many of the comments in which people seem to find the situation unacceptable just show an enormous gender bias, which is really shocking.

Yes but the SAHM Witt baby and toddler last a few year, then they keep on being SAHM doing really nothing (especially when they have help). So in a 45 year working career, the SAHM work keys say full time 5 years, part time 15 years and the the rest 25 years basically do nothing. This men in his 50 has worked 30 years and he will do nothing for 15 years. So actually he has worked more than a SAHM!

No way would I leave DH to pay the mortgage and sort out proper pensions. Fuck that. What happens if you get sick or decide you don’t want to work?

You are going to work years longer than you need to, so he can retire early and play.

DH both want to retire early so have cleared the mortgage and are increasing pensions so we can do it together. No way would I leave him to solely sort out finances.

It isn’t remotely fair that he has even asked this, I would be fuming. You should be working towards common goals not you having to work to support a man child.

For the record, I have said the same on threads where the SAHM refuses to go back to work ever again. I think adults need to pull their weight financially regardless of gender.

If I was earning 100k over a job I enjoyed I would be fine with my partner not working as a "wage slave" over less enjoyment over it but they'd need to fully contribute over "house husband" role, leaving you both free to enjoy time to be together. We live in a world that "glorifies" both partner's being "run ragged" over working the same hours over paid when if two people love another, I'd have thought one less person stressed over work would add to the relationship over taking away from it, really if it's valued over time together.

Why do you tolerate this?

No, I don’t think it’s fair for him to just give up work.

I think adults should support themselves unless looking after young children:

Your kids are far too old to need a SAHP - what would he be contributing? He wouldn’t even be doing the housework by the sounds of it.

If he did everything about the house - kept it properly clean and tidy, cooked all meals and did washing etc, plus the life admin esp for the kids - it would be ok (as long as agreed). But it sounds like he just wants to piss about.

Totally agree on this one. There is a lot of gender bias and male hatred on this thread!

This was in reply to someone but I can’t find the message now!

totally agree

Don't do it OP. You know what will happen. Resentment will grow as any promises made about work around the house will be broken.

There is no way he should be reducing hours if he has no plan to contribute towards retirement and pay off the mortgage. The fact you have a new higher paying job means you can reach those goals collectively sooner not that he can just stop working.

Lazy bugger. Tell him no.

So you husband effectively just wants to stop working and have you pay for everything for him?
Whilst you go out to work?
And he's not actively trying to reassure you he will lesson your load with chores. And you don't need childcare anymore.

Lol. Just no.

Why don't you suggest on the flip side.
How about you quit work. Stop doing household chores - he can pick up what you did.
And you just spend your time having fun.
I bet he gives that a no.

Its very different when you have small kids, that have to have childcare. That aren't old enough to go to school.

Someone has to look after them, or pay for them to be looked after. So looking after them as a parent saves a childcare cost.

With his proposal, what cost is he saving? And why is he not also taking on more of a load of housework.

It just sounds all wrong.
You can't blame the man for asking hey wife, will you pay for me to just stop working and go and have fun.

But that is literally why we all have jobs. Because we need to afford to live and eat. It's a luxury not to work.
By him quitting and not working, you will be working for longer before you can retire.
As a family unit you will have less, be able to afford less, less able to afford your family financially.

It sounds like he just wants to win the lottery, but can't do that so wants to use you.

Dont feel bad.
Its very different if you offer to pay for him vs he asks.

I wouldn't pay for my partner to not work. It's just unfair. I wouldn't ask him to pay for me so I could stop working and have fun.
I

YANBU when you weren't in paid employment you were still saving you both money by doing the childcare and housework for free.. so you were still massively contributing to the family throughout. How does he intend to contribute to the family if he leaves his job? The children won't need him at home.. he doesn't do DIY or the cleaning? I'd say he's having a complete laugh wanting to be a kept man.
I'd have a discussion with him about what he thinks he's actually going to bring to the table if he quits his job. It isn't fair for him to just sponge off you getting to do whatever he wants all day long.. that isn't a stay at home dad or househusband that's just someone dossing about. Make it clear to him what you actually did when you weren't working and what you actually do every day to keep the household running outside of paid work.

Maybe he could reduce his hours and do the housework? Otherwise he is being lazy and you'd end up resenting him.