I am probably being mean but......

[razz]

Its a long one so I can try not to dripfeed. When my DH and I met I had a great job, good money, own (but mortgaged!!!) house and he earnt very little but was following a passion. We had our first child, I was still the main breadwinner but have always loved working (I am not really cut out to be a SAHM!) so have never minded that. Fast forward to DC2 DH had a much better job so I gave up work (happily) to look at DC2 and then DC3 when they arrived. Went back to work after 3 years working about 30 hours a week. Over the last 7 years I have retrained (whilst working full time) and got a great job with fab prospects. I have been approached by my boss about a promotion that will be even more challenging than my current role, more travel and lots more money (likely just below 100k). DH has a good job, decent money, still a bit of a passion but not as 'fun' as he once thought it was. So to cut a long story short...if I get the new job DH says he wants to give up work. DC are now late teens, DH does very little around the house (we have never had a cleaner), doesn't decorate, repair stuff or anything like that - I have always done 90% of everything. The issue is that I don't want him to. Mainly because I don't see why he should get to do what he wants all day (he wants to spend more time on his hobby....long days out in the country with his mates) and not contribute. I dont want to give up work so it isnt jealousy. I just know he won't keep up with the household choirs like I do so I will still need to do all that and the kids dont need full time care like they did when I wasn't working. I also accept that I am probably being mean. Am I? What would you do?

Would be fairer if you both carried on working and then both retired earlier than you might otherwise. Presumably your kids are still financially dependent?

Of course a man can be a SAHD; I doubt anyone has anything against that. But when OP was a SAHM, she did all the "wifework" including the housework, the kids and the life admin. Now she's working full time she still ends up doing this because he's a lazy arse. If OP's DH was going to do everything around the home so she could come home to a clean house, shopping done, meals prepared etc. then I'm sure she would be happy with the arrangement. But his track record suggests he will just mooch about all day or be out doing his hobby then expect her to come back from a work trip and still do all the domestic chores.

OP, you are not being mean. I say this as someone who IS funding my DH's early retirement, but I took early retirement myself and he does at least as much around the house as I do. Despite that, I sometimes feel a slight twinge of resentment and in your shoes the amount of resentment would be massive.

Congratulations on your promotion, by the way.

It's only ok if he does most of the stuff at home. Otherwise it's totally unacceptable!

Will his giving up work impact your ability to go on the holidays you want and have the lifestyle you want? Will it delay your plan for retirement?

It is a tricky one but I read that resentment is one of the key things that can lead to marriage breakdown so you need to be sure that isn't going to start creeping in.

I think if your role is going to become more intense and demanding then he could reduce his hours to part time however he would need to step up to become the parent to care for the teens, do the house work and all the life admin. If the majority is still falling to you there is no reason for him to not work unless he has saved substantial funds to afford his half of your life together from now through retirement

I wouldn’t do it, just because you earn great money doesn’t mean he can’t still contribute. Unless he’s going to make your life a lot easier so you can focus on work I wouldn’t agree. I don’t think it’s mean at all.

So it's OK for you to be a SAHM but not the other way round?
You say he won't do anything but he's never been in that position so it's just conjecture really.
TALK to him about what the job expectations are for his new role and make it clear that if he wants to skip the chores it's his responsibility to fund and find a cleaner.

If he's not going to contribute in a financial way he needs to in another way. If he quits the house work is his responsibility.

@Doone21 well as both the DH an OP work full time and she does 90% of the housework and life admin he is in the position to do it-he just doesn’t.

Yes he has been in that positions. They have teenagers. He has been an adult in a house for twenty years. In those twenty years he has barely lifted a finger.

He worked a passion for very little money rather than getting a decent paying job. He is now wanting to quit that job as it now pays a decent amount but is no longer fun.

this is not a man who is going to do the housework he clearly doesnt want to do.

Part-time would be a compromise with an agreed contract about what home responsibilities he will take full control of. Why should you work your butt off for him to indulge his hobbies, interests etc? He would need to take over all weeknight cooking, all laundry and cleaning, organisation of household repairs, decorating etc, gardening. It's a partnership, he needs to do his whack.

Nope. He wants to be a cocklodger, say no!

I agree with this. However if a woman of a similar age said her husband was forcing her to keep working the responses would be very different. It still seems to be ingrained that men have to work whilst it's ok for middle aged women to potter about claiming they have to do life admin and the food shop.

He needs to work part time at least & accept that work isn't all about having fun.

Definitely not being mean!

when you stayed at home that was to care for your children. Let’s face it … SAHM do everything around the house. You didn’t use your day to do a hobby.

He now wants to sponge off your income to do a hobby. If you still had young children then yes why can’t he have that opportunity. Maybe reduce his house or something.

For anyone stating that the the poster got to stay at home whilst the husband had to work so it’s only fair he gets the opportunity … I bet the staying at home with the kids was harder work. Why should he get to lounge around care free with no young children whilst she no doubt has to do everything on top of a full time job.

There you go OP.

A pension evaluation for the OP would be a deeply sobering experience.

She will likely find, as it stands, she has a a very frugal retirement ahead of her, despite having worked very hard.

Only if he does all the cleaning, repairs etc. Or he works part time and pays for people to do those jobs. He will end up sitting around the house doing nothing while you slog your guts out, and then moan that he is bored. (Speaking from experience).

You never just gave up your job, you were a sahm to young children and did everything around the house. Would he be doing the same? Doesn’t sound like it at all.

No way, why should he be able to sit back and enjoy the money youve earnt? i think its different if you have kids that need parenting but not when theyre older -_-

He should ATLEAST work part time

@Doone21 Difference is she was a STAHM .... he will just be a stay at home person, he wont be doing anything...

They have older kids who will no doubt be growing up and moving out soon, she said he hardly does anything.. whereas she was a STAHM to young children..
He basically wants to be a leisurely kept for husband

There is no one right way to run a family but there needs to be a discussion about responsibilities.
My partner and I both work (and both love our jobs) but we made an agreement that I only contribute towards a small portion of bills and some of the food. He takes care of the rest. In return I do “unpaid labour” at home - laundry, cleaning and 70% of all cooking (I work from home so it’s not a big deal). I also put a large portion of my earnings into a savings account should something happen and either of us is unable to work.
It works well for us BUT we discussed it at length and made an agreement that this is the best way forward for the family.
I would have a conversation with your husband that, if he wants to give up work, he needs to a”take 100% of household responsibilities. I would be leaning towards part-time employment until the mortgage is paid off and you can split household chores accordingly - 50/50 on the days you both work and 100/0 on the days only you work. If he is not able to uphold his end of the agreement, he needs to contribute either equally or proportionally financially.

Maybe if he worked part time that would work out.
Also set aside your extra finances on an investment for the children, agreed upon, such as an extra property.

Work towards increasing your wealth while you can for the benefit of your children. Thus, the extra money you earn is not actually going in to the normal every day expense fund - not available to subsidise his hobby.

Sounds infuriating, he’s your partner not your sugar baby. He can’t sponge of you just because he’s earning well. At the very least if he wants to give up work he should keep the household in good order.

How are you even attracted to him.

Could you both work a four day week? Why should he have all the leisure time?

I wouldn't be on board with this at all.

I received a big promotion last year and my DH suggested that he resign and be a SAHD. I said absolutely fucking not.

He'd been a 'SAHD' for 4 months once before due to redundancy - we kept the nanny the whole time, he lived a life of leisure. Didn't do a single one of the list of jobs and tasks around the house we wrote together. Did less than half the housework. Eventually I told him that if he didn't get a job in the next week I'd give the nanny her notice and he could genuinely be a SAHD. Miraculously a job appeared and he was at work within a week.

It's hard to respect someone who doesn't contribute. Or someone who swans into the SAHP position once all the hardest child rearing years are done/the children are in school.

I had envisaged another 10 years of both of us saving, paying off the mortgage and getting some kind of pension. We aren't rich, no real savings but of course the new salary is huge so would make a massive difference to achieving all these goals but not without him earning some kind of salary.

This is important, OP. He wants to retire whilst he’s young and you’re earning the money, so he can have fun with no financial restraints.

Then, when you retire too, there will be no money for you to have fun, and you’ll have to scrimp and go without, because there’s no savings in the pension pot and no income.

You’re not being mean. These 10 years are incredibly important. He needs to keep working.

Also, late teenage years are expensive. Do your DC want to go to university or further training? Your new salary excludes them from much in the way of a student loan, so you’ll be expected to top up a lot of money. His salary could really help with that. If he retires he’s disadvantaging his DC as well as you.

How is it equivalent in any way if he wants her to.fund the household/ him? It's not the same as being a SAHP of young children.