I am probably being mean but......

[razz]

Its a long one so I can try not to dripfeed. When my DH and I met I had a great job, good money, own (but mortgaged!!!) house and he earnt very little but was following a passion. We had our first child, I was still the main breadwinner but have always loved working (I am not really cut out to be a SAHM!) so have never minded that. Fast forward to DC2 DH had a much better job so I gave up work (happily) to look at DC2 and then DC3 when they arrived. Went back to work after 3 years working about 30 hours a week. Over the last 7 years I have retrained (whilst working full time) and got a great job with fab prospects. I have been approached by my boss about a promotion that will be even more challenging than my current role, more travel and lots more money (likely just below 100k). DH has a good job, decent money, still a bit of a passion but not as 'fun' as he once thought it was. So to cut a long story short...if I get the new job DH says he wants to give up work. DC are now late teens, DH does very little around the house (we have never had a cleaner), doesn't decorate, repair stuff or anything like that - I have always done 90% of everything. The issue is that I don't want him to. Mainly because I don't see why he should get to do what he wants all day (he wants to spend more time on his hobby....long days out in the country with his mates) and not contribute. I dont want to give up work so it isnt jealousy. I just know he won't keep up with the household choirs like I do so I will still need to do all that and the kids dont need full time care like they did when I wasn't working. I also accept that I am probably being mean. Am I? What would you do?

Stop doing the housework. join a very luxurious gym and get ready there every morning.

if/when you cook at home have your own pots etc and keep them locked in your room. only buy food to cook for yourself. when something runs out don't replace it, slowly all the foodstuffs will start to dwindle. be absolutely militant.

cancel the wifi and get unlimited internet on your phone and use that for you connectivity for computers etc. cancel any sky or other such luxuries.

unfortunately you cannot isolate utilities or i'd do that as well.
I'd also lock and bolt anything thats your inside you rooms and give him hs own designated space.

you don't even need to announce it just start operating differently if he doesn't pay for it then he doesn't use it. You do not NEED to do anything, he needs to get a fucking job and feed himself.

So you gave up work when you had kids and he supported you? But no, you are right he can't just give up work unless he can fund it to the same level as now. Kids don't need a parent at home all the time so just get a cleaner/housekeeper and keep on as you are. If your kids are off to uni, you'll need all the money you can get!

Congratulations on the promotion btw.

This! Sounds like he has a great setup tbh...

It would be a no from me, 100k is good money but not enough to fund a non-working partner if not necessary (ie having young children). Maybe part time as a compromise if he’s desperate to stop working so much.

@ChampagneCommunist Please do something, it may seem a huge effort but balls to that.

Do not agree to this, what’s the countryside hobby? My mate has a partner who runs his own business and ended up being very part time and buggering off to go shooting all the time. Their relationship nearly ended because she ended up bearing all the burden. She was leaving him and she me at it, plus she had the good pension and was in a better position financially. He pulled his finger out and more equitable now.

Your 50s are the time in life when most people can make decent provision for their retirement after the children are grown up, by building up savings and pension pots, paying off the mortgage etc. (It sounds like your children will still need some support for a while anyway). He should not be allowed to fritter that opportunity away for you both. You're a long time retired.

OP please don't do this.

This happened to a friend of mine. She was the higher earner, so her husband (cleverly) began reducing his work under the guise of keeping the house and childcare until eventually he stopped working. After a couple of years he proceeded to have an affair and divorced her.
As he was the SAHP he got to stay in the house with the children, she had to give him half her pension, and he got the bigger equity share.
My friend had to start over with little money and without her children around her.

Both parties need to be contributing to the household or it has the potential to get very messy.

God no. He needs to pull his weight. Yes by all means compromise but do not think you are being mean. I work part time (4 days) but I also do absolutely everything else and I pretty much always have. If he does go part time in future, he needs to start pulling his weight right now, to prove he can (is willing to) do it.

DH and I had this conversation very early on. He’s in a ‘retire young’ profession so will be ~54 when he’s eligible to retire with his full pension. He was wistfully thinking of his leisure time one day and I told him that while he may be retired he’ll still be working somewhere, I didn’t (and still don’t) care what he did, but it would paid employment. He didn’t argue since the man has worked 2 jobs simultaneously since he was a teenager by necessity then and choice now.

People need to work and contribute to the household, they need to be part of a larger world. (Obviously this is my opinion and I’m sure others will disagree).

I think the biggest factor is your savings situation. IMO, you both should be working full time and saving as much as possible for retirement. The good news is that it should be a lot easier with your new job!

Can he get another part time job in his hobby? (Depends what it is I guess)

Even if he can't no way would I let him give up work. That's just bloody lazy!

What? You're not being mean in the slightest. He obviously needs to at least pay his own way even if he can't find himself a career he loves. And he also needs to pull his weight at home. Don't be a mug, OP.

Absolutely he should not be allowed to give up work unless he has history to demonstrate that your life would be a lot easier if he did. That history has not been demonstrated, so no. You’d end up doing everything and resenting him. It would be the beginning of the end.

I don't think you're being mean. You're being sensible. You've had good news and all he's heard is yippee I can finally get out of my job. That's most likely put a massive downer on your prospective promotion.

Partners should only give up work when it's agreed by both parties.
Perhaps you can say you're uncomfortable with being the breadwinner when you can't see what your whole family will gain from it given he doesn't like helping enough around the house. A compromise for me would be to pay for hired help for jobs he currently does so he can 'only' do his work and not then have much less to do at home.

If it were my own dh I would say go pt but he already does as much as possible around the home and picks up when I need it as well.

Because OP has already stated that she does 90% of housework and family admin

So unless he makes a massive stepchange he wouldn't be a househusband, he'd be a cocklodger.

Women do this all the time and it’s seen as completely normal and acceptable. And then bitch about the nrp “starting over with very little money” not paying as much maintenance as they want. Disney parenting and living the good life not having the daily drudge of kids.

are these women being “clever” reducing their work hours to be sahm?

double standards.

@Usernamenotavailab women do it all the time but it's not seen as acceptable?!

He is funny. You could consider part time once the mortgage is paid off? I’d expect him to be working around the house plenty too! What about his pension? Or is he wanting you to be financially responsible for the both of you forever?

When you were a SAHM it was with small children who need more hands-on round the clock care, and you only did it for three years. Then retrained and got so good you’ll earn £100k! Whereas his version of SAHD is to do it with kids in school, do it forever, and not attempt to train, earn or do anything but have fun. One is not like the other and it’s not mean to ask 50% of the partnership to pull 50% of the weight. He doesn’t have to earn £100k, but he does have to earn NI, pay into pensions and savings, no do his share of life admin/mental load/etc.

I know it's dull and boring, but what about his pension? He'll need to have worked/ paid NI for 35 years to get the full state pension. That's only £10,600-ish this year. It doesn't go far. Does he have any other pension provision?

The decisions he makes now will have consequences over the next 30+ years. If you're going to work on and build a great pension and savings (if there are any savings once you're solely responsible for house maintenance, new boilers, roof repairs, replacement cars, holidays, a cleaner, garden maintenance) and he retires now, you'll be paying for him for the rest of your lives. Are you going to be comfortable paying a massive amount for his dental treatment, or paying for a holiday for him to pursue his hobby?

You share three DC who'll need money to get through university or training and will then perhaps need help with house deposits. Has he thought about any of this, or is he just the kind of person who just jogs along and doesn't plan for the future?

so basically he wants to retire early and you are his retirement fund, wtf!! sounds like a bum

Tell him that before you even think about this you need say 6 months of him demonstrating that he can fully pull his weight with the housework - and that means that over that period your roles are reversed and you do 10% of it and he does 90% of it, as you have been doing for years. If he can demonstrate that everything runs well with him taking responsibility, then great, there's a way forward with him packing in work. If not, you aren't going to carry on doing all the housework plus a full time heavy-duty job whilst he plays with his hobbies.

If you’re working full time, with a superb salary, and he’s not working at all, are you anyway better off. Does your new income exceed your previous combined income?

I’d be cheesed off if dh wanted to become a sahm partner, with teenagers. Wouldn’t we all like to be in permanent holiday at someone else’s expense! Does he expect you to do all the housework etc?

Contribution to the household currently:

• you >50% of the money, 90% of the work
• him <50% of the money, 10% of the work

His proposal:

• you 100% of the money, 90% of the work
• him 0% of the money, 10% of the work (are you confident he'd even keep that up?)

Fuck that!

If you remove him from the equation:

• you 100% of the money (but lower expenses, so more spare money), 90% of the work (get the teens to do at least 10%), and much less resentment and stress

And on top of that, you still have a mortgage, very little in savings and no pension?

No.

You need savings. You need a pension. I can't see any reason at all why you need him.

And I say this as someone planning to stop work at 50, with no children. But I've worked it out so my financial contribution to the household remains unchanged and my practical contribution will increase.