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Original poster

I am probably being mean but......

233 replies

razz · 05/06/2023 19:04

Its a long one so I can try not to dripfeed. When my DH and I met I had a great job, good money, own (but mortgaged!!!) house and he earnt very little but was following a passion. We had our first child, I was still the main breadwinner but have always loved working (I am not really cut out to be a SAHM!) so have never minded that. Fast forward to DC2 DH had a much better job so I gave up work (happily) to look at DC2 and then DC3 when they arrived. Went back to work after 3 years working about 30 hours a week. Over the last 7 years I have retrained (whilst working full time) and got a great job with fab prospects. I have been approached by my boss about a promotion that will be even more challenging than my current role, more travel and lots more money (likely just below 100k). DH has a good job, decent money, still a bit of a passion but not as 'fun' as he once thought it was. So to cut a long story short...if I get the new job DH says he wants to give up work. DC are now late teens, DH does very little around the house (we have never had a cleaner), doesn't decorate, repair stuff or anything like that - I have always done 90% of everything. The issue is that I don't want him to. Mainly because I don't see why he should get to do what he wants all day (he wants to spend more time on his hobby....long days out in the country with his mates) and not contribute. I dont want to give up work so it isnt jealousy. I just know he won't keep up with the household choirs like I do so I will still need to do all that and the kids dont need full time care like they did when I wasn't working. I also accept that I am probably being mean. Am I? What would you do?

OP posts:
AmeliaWarnerBros · 05/06/2023 20:16

LTB, OP. You don't need him like he needs you. Giant man-baby that he is.

GCalltheway · 05/06/2023 20:21

I think I’d take the job and leave. Bloody cheek.

Blabberbox · 05/06/2023 20:22

ChampagneCommunist · 05/06/2023 20:01

Don't. I'm in this situation & am resentful.

He's retired and pays for 3/4 of food. I pay for everything else, including an absolutely massive mortgage on a house I don't want to live in but he won't agree to move.

I work 11 hours a day. Often one day a weekend too, do all the laundry and pay for a cleaner because he refuses to do it. He does do some gardening.

Don't be me.

Why do you put up with it?

SummerHouse · 05/06/2023 20:22

I just can't imagine asking this of my DP, or him asking it of me unless there were some exceptional circumstances.

He is not taking responsibility. Not for the home or financing it. I think it's really unfair of him to ask this and in no way is his current 10% contribution a good sign.

I would totally support part time working for one partner but on the assumption they pick up 70% or so of running the home.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 05/06/2023 20:24

Plutonium7000 · 05/06/2023 20:07

This. Absolutely.

Show quote history

Good point. A 100K salary can vanish overnight with illness, disability, etc. It's unwise to count on it lasting forever, which is what he apparently is doing. He needs to be able to support himself, and, if necessary due to emergency, both of you. Same for you. Eyeballing your paycheck to assess how much easier it could make his current lifestyle is reprehensible.

Snugglemonkey · 05/06/2023 20:25

If he is not working, he needs to be running the house. Otherwise he is a burden. He needs to contribute. My 6 year old contributes ffs.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 05/06/2023 20:28

ChampagneCommunist · 05/06/2023 20:01

Don't. I'm in this situation & am resentful.

He's retired and pays for 3/4 of food. I pay for everything else, including an absolutely massive mortgage on a house I don't want to live in but he won't agree to move.

I work 11 hours a day. Often one day a weekend too, do all the laundry and pay for a cleaner because he refuses to do it. He does do some gardening.

Don't be me.

You need to speak to a shit hot lawyer and see about divorcing him.

So sorry you're having to live like that x

Blabberbox · 05/06/2023 20:29

My dh had a great job but was in between jobs for about 9 months, and he did 98% of everything at home. Dinner was ready, home was cleaned, shopping done and laundry done etc. Now he’s got a new very good job and still does much more than half of the things that needs to be done in our house. Your dh sounds like a lazy arse not being responsible for anything..

GCalltheway · 05/06/2023 20:31

ChampagneCommunist · 05/06/2023 20:01

Don't. I'm in this situation & am resentful.

He's retired and pays for 3/4 of food. I pay for everything else, including an absolutely massive mortgage on a house I don't want to live in but he won't agree to move.

I work 11 hours a day. Often one day a weekend too, do all the laundry and pay for a cleaner because he refuses to do it. He does do some gardening.

Don't be me.

I think you are being abused actually.

StemStem · 05/06/2023 20:32

Could you just leave him?

Blabberbox · 05/06/2023 20:32

What if you become ill and can’t work? Or do household chores? He is fit enough to work and contribute to what needs to be done in your house and should do so. How can you live with someone like that?

HeckinBamboozled · 05/06/2023 20:33

YANBU and you aren't mean. Resentment is going to fester if he quits with and does sweet FA.

WhatADrabCarpet · 05/06/2023 20:36

No. He wants an easy life on your back.

AMuser · 05/06/2023 20:39

razz · 05/06/2023 19:40

Yes I guess so, but part of it is that have worked hard to get this chance and I suppose I had envisaged another 10 years of both of us saving, paying off the mortgage and getting some kind of pension. We aren't rich, no real savings but of course the new salary is huge so would make a massive difference to achieving all these goals but not without him earning some kind of salary. Maybe I compromise with part time and he does the decorating and we get a cleaner then we both get more time lol!

Show quote history

With respect a potential promotion to say £90k a year when you have no savings or pension (from what I gather) to date … is not “huge”. By the time you pay tax and NI etc how much better off will you be than currently? I’d have thought hardly enough for your DH to become a man of leisure.

Id have thought it’s a chance to use the excess ti max out your pension and ISAs and enjoy a fun retirement together.

Oh but do get a cleaner twice a week either way if he’s a lazy sod. So you don’t have to come home from a work trip to a dirty house.

ChampagneCommunist · 05/06/2023 20:51

@GCalltheway @Blabberbox @AntiSocial6DaysAWeek I don't want to derail, but it didn't happen all at once. It was quite a long time before i realised what had happened.

We aren't married (my choice) and - most ridiculously - I am a shit hot lawyer. Not a divorce lawyer, obvs

HerMammy · 05/06/2023 20:53

Your new salary is hardly a boost if your then lose his income, he needs to work, there's no reason for him not to be contributing.

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 20:55

Whatonearth07957 · 05/06/2023 19:14

You'll resent him. Tell him to respect him you would expect him to contribute

Agree with this.

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 20:57

Can you both work less hours? Best of both worlds? I know that’s probably not possible with your new job. Maybe with his?

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 20:57

fewer hours

lamaze1 · 05/06/2023 21:03

You're not mean at all. I'd find that deeply unattractive if he was my DH especially as you have kids. If you had paid off your mortgage, had good pensions and savings perhaps a different matter, but no. He is a grown up with bloody responsibilities! You don't just opt out of work for a hobby. [Note: I say this as someone that doesn't particularly like their job but get on with it for the good of my family, so I do understand but I'd feel way to guilty leaving my husband to provide for us all].

PaigeMatthews · 05/06/2023 21:11

If we had plenty of money with my earning and i loved my job, id be happy for dh to be at home… BUT he would do everything at home as he is an equal adult in the house already. Ive no doubt he would completely take over all chores.

in your case I would not be happy. I would most likely be resentful very quickly. And be looking to leave.

make it clear this is nit ok with you and if he chose to leave work you would seek a divorce, as you know he would also expect you to do everything at home and that level of freeloading is unacceptable.

Sierra26 · 05/06/2023 21:36

Why not suggest he starts putting as much salary as his employer will allow in to his pension? If you don’t need it now, save it for the future and in short term he’s not lazing round at home. A few years of that and then he could drop to part time?

If you’re not sure how to just say “hell no” I’d lead with that one! And smart too.

You should also put as much as you can in to pension once your salary increases

GnomeDePlume · 05/06/2023 21:40

SleeplessinScarbourough · 05/06/2023 19:59

Why can’t a DH be a SAHD? My uncle was for a long time. Teenagers still need parents around. It sounds like you won’t be short of money. I don’t get why DH are discouraged from giving up work in exchange for happiness and the mere suggestion labels them a CF cocklodger

No reason at all. If anything it makes more sense, housework, DIY, chasing kids around can be hard physical work. My DH was SAHP for a significant part of our DCs' childhood. It was difficult for DH to get back into the labour market. He now has a supermarket job working 24h per week.

The big difference between our situation OP's is that my DH still does 90% of home care duties. I have a good salary and work very long hours for it.

Heronwatcher · 05/06/2023 21:45

No I don’t think you are being U. I think there’s a huge difference between taking time off to look after tiny babies and giving up work to be supported when your kids are teenagers. Of course they still need parents at that age but they do not need full time care.

For a stay at home arrangement I think that both parties have to want it, and there has to be an understanding of what the SAHP needs to do- and then they need to do it. But if you’re not happy with the arrangement then don’t feel pressured to agree to it, it will just breed resentment.

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 05/06/2023 22:03

Yanbu. You were a sahp for presumably pregnancy childcare and housework. I bet you were run ragged. This is not comparable as he'll be doing none of those things. It's completely different.