I am probably being mean but......

[razz]

Its a long one so I can try not to dripfeed. When my DH and I met I had a great job, good money, own (but mortgaged!!!) house and he earnt very little but was following a passion. We had our first child, I was still the main breadwinner but have always loved working (I am not really cut out to be a SAHM!) so have never minded that. Fast forward to DC2 DH had a much better job so I gave up work (happily) to look at DC2 and then DC3 when they arrived. Went back to work after 3 years working about 30 hours a week. Over the last 7 years I have retrained (whilst working full time) and got a great job with fab prospects. I have been approached by my boss about a promotion that will be even more challenging than my current role, more travel and lots more money (likely just below 100k). DH has a good job, decent money, still a bit of a passion but not as 'fun' as he once thought it was. So to cut a long story short...if I get the new job DH says he wants to give up work. DC are now late teens, DH does very little around the house (we have never had a cleaner), doesn't decorate, repair stuff or anything like that - I have always done 90% of everything. The issue is that I don't want him to. Mainly because I don't see why he should get to do what he wants all day (he wants to spend more time on his hobby....long days out in the country with his mates) and not contribute. I dont want to give up work so it isnt jealousy. I just know he won't keep up with the household choirs like I do so I will still need to do all that and the kids dont need full time care like they did when I wasn't working. I also accept that I am probably being mean. Am I? What would you do?

This...you worked, brought up the children and did the housework. Now the children don't need looking after he says he wants to sponge off you.
You weren't at home idle all these years.
LTB.9

I think this is exactly the feeling that i have and have been trying to put my finger on. I don't want to be giving him 'pocket money' as if he is my child nor do I want to resent him sitting on his arse all day....I don't want to lose respect for him. DH is a very good dad and I love him very much so I think part time is a good option, at least we can try it and if it doesn't work he still has a foot in the door at work. We are both in our early 50's so have a lot of life to live!

Yes I guess so, but part of it is that have worked hard to get this chance and I suppose I had envisaged another 10 years of both of us saving, paying off the mortgage and getting some kind of pension. We aren't rich, no real savings but of course the new salary is huge so would make a massive difference to achieving all these goals but not without him earning some kind of salary. Maybe I compromise with part time and he does the decorating and we get a cleaner then we both get more time lol!

No fuck that op your 1000000000 percent in the right here tell him plenty of time for that in retirement and your not finding it your making life improvements whilst he wants to live a bachelor life LOL.

funding

No mean one bit, if anything he is being mean to you. Putting this on you. Why should you work really hard and him just doss about. He won't pick up the slack and if the children are teenagers what does he need to do childcare wise. Essentially he is taking very early retirement on your dime

@TheYearOfSmallThings agree and if you ever divorce I wouldn’t worth you’ll have to pay him maintenance ( worth checking).

• I would worry!

Utter nonsense; what is he thinking?

Especially if you have paltry savings. Now is the time for both of you to maximize your earnings and save as much as possible, not slack off!

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that it is not an option, and that you will still expect him to contribute 50 percent of all household expenses, and to be saving hard for retirement.

Who is going to pay his national insurance contributions, if these are not paid in full every year, it can reduce your old age pension.

You would lose respect for him I'd imagine.
He sounds like a bit of a free loader ,leaving you to run the home and pay the bills and support him? Hell no!how unattractive is that.
I understand people wanting to find happiness in their lives,but NOT whilst living off someone else.
If he is lazy at home,he won't keep to an agreement of running it.
He really needs to grow up.You are not his mother.

Tell him what you've said here. That you would lose respect for him if he gives up work.

That will ultimately mean the marriage will fail.

Early 50’s is far too young to retire. And your new salary may sound great on paper but you will also be paying a lot of tax etc. You could suggest you would be agreeable to him working 4 days a week?
I am trying to persuade DH to cut his hours in half but he is over 60 now and does a physical job. He also pulls his weight around the house.

Why can’t a DH be a SAHD? My uncle was for a long time. Teenagers still need parents around. It sounds like you won’t be short of money. I don’t get why DH are discouraged from giving up work in exchange for happiness and the mere suggestion labels them a CF cocklodger

You stopped working to look after your DC; he’s stopping to do sod all. I’d say that you aren’t willing to fund his lifestyle, you were contributing through caring for children whereas he is not.

I also wouldn’t be agreeing to him finishing work etc whilst you still have a mortgage to pay.

I'd ask him whether he is able to access his pension to live on - or whether he vaguely just thought I was going to support him.

Don't. I'm in this situation & am resentful.

He's retired and pays for 3/4 of food. I pay for everything else, including an absolutely massive mortgage on a house I don't want to live in but he won't agree to move.

I work 11 hours a day. Often one day a weekend too, do all the laundry and pay for a cleaner because he refuses to do it. He does do some gardening.

Don't be me.

Are you kidding??
Its a hard no from me.
You will work until you drop dead to fund his lifestyle. Not a chance would I entertain this idea. He carries on working and you retire together and plan adventures.

Stopping to look after a newborn and 2 young kids is not remotely the same as the kids being fully grown and him off spending your money on a mid life crisis.

No because
I have always done 90% of everything
and I would tell him why.

What exactly does he think he’s bringing to the party?
I would have thought in your position you’d want to use some of your new higher salary to top up your pension to compensate for the time when you were working part time. Because he’s not going to be covering that for you, is he? Financially, you need to class yourself as a single person.

This. Absolutely.

Why don't you sit down and look at pension goals with a view to you both retiring early? I actually don't agree with the mentality of full time working for some sense of duty. In an ideal world, everyone would work part time. Life is for living, but of course it shouldn't all be down to you. Maybe make a saving goal so you can both retire early, travel in retirement, fund a holiday home etc make the point that with him working you will both have more money for retirement in a closer future.

I couldn't respect someone (male or female) who made such a request of me. I can't imagine asking someone to fund me. It's just the way I was brought up., This is nothing like being a SAHM. So, it would be a no from me.