I am probably being mean but......

[razz]

Its a long one so I can try not to dripfeed. When my DH and I met I had a great job, good money, own (but mortgaged!!!) house and he earnt very little but was following a passion. We had our first child, I was still the main breadwinner but have always loved working (I am not really cut out to be a SAHM!) so have never minded that. Fast forward to DC2 DH had a much better job so I gave up work (happily) to look at DC2 and then DC3 when they arrived. Went back to work after 3 years working about 30 hours a week. Over the last 7 years I have retrained (whilst working full time) and got a great job with fab prospects. I have been approached by my boss about a promotion that will be even more challenging than my current role, more travel and lots more money (likely just below 100k). DH has a good job, decent money, still a bit of a passion but not as 'fun' as he once thought it was. So to cut a long story short...if I get the new job DH says he wants to give up work. DC are now late teens, DH does very little around the house (we have never had a cleaner), doesn't decorate, repair stuff or anything like that - I have always done 90% of everything. The issue is that I don't want him to. Mainly because I don't see why he should get to do what he wants all day (he wants to spend more time on his hobby....long days out in the country with his mates) and not contribute. I dont want to give up work so it isnt jealousy. I just know he won't keep up with the household choirs like I do so I will still need to do all that and the kids dont need full time care like they did when I wasn't working. I also accept that I am probably being mean. Am I? What would you do?

I’ve been in this situation and I ended up feeling really resentful. The deal was that I earned the money and they dealt with restoring our new house. He got bored with the project and ended up doing very little. I made an ultimatum that they go back to work and we paid for cleaners, painters etc. because he lost all enthusiasm. I ended up project managing the house plus being the laundry woman, cleaner, Money earner etc and I felt really taken for granted. I wouldn’t have minded if he’d got a low paid job In something he was passionate about. The relationship fell apart because it felt like I was living with a lazy teenage boy.

He doesn't get to give up work completely and do no chores!! Just, no.

Also need to consider retirement plans/pension contributions

My dh has been a SAHD since his 3rd redundancy about 6 years ago

But - he does the vast majority of housework (cleaning, laundry, ironing, gardening etc.) plus all the DIY & car stuff

Knowing he is there for childcare enabled me to have a job with more travel and better salary

Your dh needs to contribute to life in some way - financially or housework/admin etc. How is up to you both, but not doing anything will lead to massive resentment!

I agree that you shouldn't do this. Especially if you still have a mortgage! What happens if you get made redundant or get I'll?

H would love to do this but I've made it clear he needs to always bring in half the bills at least. Once the mortgage is paid off then that's £2k less than the bills now so would make it potentially viable for him to work for himself or part time. He was quite surprised that I'd put my foot down as I love my job and I think he thought I'd be happy if he sat at home doing sweet FA!

But after he did nothing while on gardening leave for 6 weeks I know I'd still be doing everything at home so I won't hear of it. I've always paid my way (only had 6 months Mat leave which was full pay) so why should he live off me?

Say no op. Plus it doesn't put him at a disadvantage if you were to divorce and also as pp have said in relation to NI credits.

I work part-time (4 days 9-4). dh earns way more than me. I do the lions share of the domestic yuck, because Ive more time to do it.

I guess I could just go on endless bike rides, abd leave him to do it all... but I quite like being an adult and behaving like one.

OP, tell your DH this is unfair. Suggest he works shorter hours and gets all the cleaning/washing/cooking/admin/elderly care done, leavhbg you BOTH time to enjoy chore-free weekends.

You need to pay off the mortgage and get some savings before he gets to stay at home doing nothing all day.

I earn about £100k and encouraged DH to go part time which he is about to do. But he's in his late 50s and his health isn't great, plus he's always pulled his weight. It took a lot of convincing as he wanted to feel he was doing his part. In your situation I wouldn't be happy that your DH seems to be leaping at the chance to live off you.

Well he won't be childminding as a SAHD so unless he can contribute 50% of the household expenses (including holidays, savings) it'd be be a firm NO from me!.

Definitely no, this situation is so different to when you have young children. I’d be resentful and find it really unattractive tbh and I’d say the same about a woman

This. My fanny would already have clamped shut TBH, if I'd already been doing 90% of the housework and home administration (more fool me for not havering a conversation sooner about him pulling his weight).

If you ask him "what contribution do you see yourself making to the household?" What does he say?

It's not fair for one parent to carry all the financial responsibility

sahm do this all the time 🤷‍♀️.

we did it for a while. Dh lost his job so I upped my hours. He did step up and start doing housework, all the running the kids around etc.

I’d say if he wants to give up work he need to take over all the household chores and child related tasks. If he’s not keen a possible compromise is he goes part time and his wages cover a cleaner, gardener, ironing service etc. if he can earn enough to outsource most things that seems reasonable.

You must be mad. Why are you tolerating this?

This.
To add …As he does nothing to pull his weight at home you should get a cleaner twice a week, if you have a garden have a gardener work twice a month. Also pay someone to do odd jobs and tasks. You both go half and half on paying for these jobs. Why should you do 90% of it all. He can see his mates after work.

OP, he seems to see you as a lottery win. You do virtually all of the housework etc. Now you've got a great promotion and he just thinks "kerching!" I wouldn't agree to him stopping work or even going part-time, given he does no housework. If he wants to do bugger all, he can do it on his own money and in his own house.

So you work hard and earn a promotion, and rather than you being able to use that money for the benefit of the family and you both (overpaying the mortgage for example so you can both look towards early retirement) he thinks great- I’ll have that money any give up work??
what an absolute lazy fucker. When you have up work, it wasn’t to do hobbies, meet up with friends or the like-it was to bring up children and run the house.

The idea that compromising is him going part time is fucking baffling. He is an adult, he needs to contribute. Sure he can go part time if those cut hours mean he’s ferrying the kids around and looking after the house and that should be the only reason.
you working 40 hours a week so he can work 20 and do hobbies for 20 is fundamentally unfair.

Well done you! Retraining whilst working full time is tough.. what did you retrain in?
You’re not being mean. It’s completely understandable you don’t want to fund a grown adult - if they choose not to work by choice.
when will you get down time? You need to agree on what’s best going forward. Maybe part- time is the answer As you don’t want to get resentful, and if this happens will ultimately affect your relationship in the long run.

Your children are late teens! He hardly needs to be a SAHD now. I think he should work full time and you should both pay for a cleaner a couple of times a week.

I'd say " Oh Darling.YESSS a Househusband really suits me too! A little Prosecco to celebrate our freedom"

Then I'd never do another stroke of housework, cooking etc.

You can change this. wtf.

You are absolutely not being mean. The two situations are not comparable.

You gave up work to raise dc and take care of the home. You then returned to work 30 hours per week and also managed to improve your professional qualifications to earn this opportunity. He wants to leave work to focus on his hobbies and scrounge from you.

I would be considering divorce if my dh even suggested this.

really he should stay full time until the mortgage is paid off and you can use the surplus to overpay if you want it done quicker.

once mortgage is paid off maybe part time

@beAsensible1 its bloody difficult to change it. I am in the same boat but am trying to end it. I pay for 80-90% of everything, do all the housework and we haven’t been intimate in 5 years. The house is on the market and hasn’t sold- until it does I am trapped. He won’t move out because he has a very small stake, I can’t raise the extra £50k I need to buy him out and if I leave he’ll trash the place to put off any buyers. Until it sells I am stuck funding and looking after this “man”. It isn’t that easy to just leave.

I think it's risky. What would happen if something happened to you? He'd have no recent work experience, stale skills.

How are you going to fund retirement?

Are either of the kids going to need support with uni, house deposits etc?

As well as general self respect and self reliance.

I'm not saying send him down the mines or anything, but marriage is a long term partnership. Ideally both should be fulfilling part of each major responsibility, including breadwinning, housekeeping, childcare, home and garden maintenance, finances and so on. Then if one gets sick for example it's not a complete disaster.

No way,if you do split up you will be working just to pay maintenance to him ,and then his retirement for the next 30 years. I’ve known folk get divorced after 4 decades.
Frankly I would have no respect for a man with no drive or ambition,less so for a man that wants to live off me. It’s just not attractive.

This.

Are you out of your mind?

Have you any idea of how expensive it is to retire?

Your 50's are sniper alley and your health can turn so quickly.

In effect he wants to retire early, with no pension, while you the work horse carrying the whole load.

I strongly suggest you get some solid financial advice to show you where you are now and to initiate some pension planning.

Ploughing as much as you can into a pension can be very efficient tax wise.

You should be doing this and he absolutely needs to be working full time.

He sounds like a lazy dim man child who wants mummy to sort out his future🙄.

Do NOT entertain this.

Do not suggest part time.

Get financial advice.

This