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AIBU?

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Original poster

I am probably being mean but......

233 replies

razz · 05/06/2023 19:04

Its a long one so I can try not to dripfeed. When my DH and I met I had a great job, good money, own (but mortgaged!!!) house and he earnt very little but was following a passion. We had our first child, I was still the main breadwinner but have always loved working (I am not really cut out to be a SAHM!) so have never minded that. Fast forward to DC2 DH had a much better job so I gave up work (happily) to look at DC2 and then DC3 when they arrived. Went back to work after 3 years working about 30 hours a week. Over the last 7 years I have retrained (whilst working full time) and got a great job with fab prospects. I have been approached by my boss about a promotion that will be even more challenging than my current role, more travel and lots more money (likely just below 100k). DH has a good job, decent money, still a bit of a passion but not as 'fun' as he once thought it was. So to cut a long story short...if I get the new job DH says he wants to give up work. DC are now late teens, DH does very little around the house (we have never had a cleaner), doesn't decorate, repair stuff or anything like that - I have always done 90% of everything. The issue is that I don't want him to. Mainly because I don't see why he should get to do what he wants all day (he wants to spend more time on his hobby....long days out in the country with his mates) and not contribute. I dont want to give up work so it isnt jealousy. I just know he won't keep up with the household choirs like I do so I will still need to do all that and the kids dont need full time care like they did when I wasn't working. I also accept that I am probably being mean. Am I? What would you do?

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 08/06/2023 19:18

there are loads of women who are SAHM with teenager or adult kids who literally do nothing at home as they have cleaners and spend the whole days in cafes...they get pocket money. When they divorce...

The above isn't a situation OP has suggested or signed up for, so she's rightly unhappy about it. If it works for other people, good for them.

The fact so many of these stories involve divorce surely indicates both parties aren't happy and harmonious as a result of these arrangements.

Beautiful3 · 09/06/2023 07:46

I'm a sahp but I have actual jobs to do e.g. school run, walk the dog, wash up, clean the house, change bed sheets, paying the bills, making dinner and lunches, food shop, guiding homework. What exactly is your partner going to be doing? When my youngest turns 12 I'm looking for a job again.

My neighbour's husband told his wife, he wanted a break from work after redundancy. They had teenage sons at the time. It's now been 6 years! She went to work for most of it, now she's lost her job and he's refusing to look for one. He started drinking everyday and became an alcoholic. All they do at night is argue about money. It's really sad to hear. Because they used to look happy and enjoy going out. Now they sit in and argue.

Lavellan · 09/06/2023 11:30

I think you should offer that you will be happy to support him in finding a new job, even if it pays a bit less, but makes him happier.

I would say you could suggest he does some retraining but since he's already voiced the idea of not working, I'd be leery to let him to drop out of life without a clear plan.

Coolmom81 · 09/06/2023 13:21

I have never understood this concept of the wife working part time whilst the husband goes out to work full time (except while children are small and require some form of childcare) My mum went part time after us kids had grown up and left home leaving my step dad to continue working full time. I just don’t understand it! Unless you are contributing in another way i.e. doing all the housework on your “days off” then you work full time unless you can both afford and want to work part time. An increase in your income should mean you can go on some nice holidays or splash out a bit on a new car, nice things not have nothing to show for it except a lazy partner who will be out spending your hard earned wages. It will only lead to resentment.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/06/2023 14:57

I don't have a problem with EITHER partner/spouse being a SAH, even after the DC are gone. My older sister has never held a paying job in her life and the 'partnership' she has with her DH works for them, both when they had DC at home and now as 'empty nesters'. And that's the key, it works for them. As long as it's by mutual agreement AND the SAH takes over full/majority household duties.

My DH was off work due to an injury for close to 2 years before he was able to return to work. During that time he carried I'd say 95% of the 'domestic workload' which worked for both of us. In fact I loved it! I eventually asked him if he wanted to stay a SAHD and he said no way, it was too much work! Plus the financial dependence issue was a concern of his, too.

IF OP's DH could be depended upon to pull his weight as a SAHS (stay at home spouse), then fine. But it sounds to me as if she can't depend on him to do that so the idea is a non-starter, just for that reason alone.

cimena · 09/06/2023 22:16

AcrossthePond55 · 09/06/2023 14:57

I don't have a problem with EITHER partner/spouse being a SAH, even after the DC are gone. My older sister has never held a paying job in her life and the 'partnership' she has with her DH works for them, both when they had DC at home and now as 'empty nesters'. And that's the key, it works for them. As long as it's by mutual agreement AND the SAH takes over full/majority household duties.

My DH was off work due to an injury for close to 2 years before he was able to return to work. During that time he carried I'd say 95% of the 'domestic workload' which worked for both of us. In fact I loved it! I eventually asked him if he wanted to stay a SAHD and he said no way, it was too much work! Plus the financial dependence issue was a concern of his, too.

IF OP's DH could be depended upon to pull his weight as a SAHS (stay at home spouse), then fine. But it sounds to me as if she can't depend on him to do that so the idea is a non-starter, just for that reason alone.

This. I earn loads (not loads loads but loads) and we’re not spendy people. He works cos he likes it and it means he has his own money which is better for both of us mentally. If he wanted to stop, I’m fine with that BUT a) he needs to looks after ALL the house and b) if I can’t work or just want to quit he’ll have to go back. And same for me if it was reversed.

if it works for you it works for you. but if I was at home with nothing to do (small children wise) I’d expect to run the full house and so I’d expect the same in reverse, and I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

YerArseInParsley · 10/06/2023 11:59

razz · 05/06/2023 19:04

Its a long one so I can try not to dripfeed. When my DH and I met I had a great job, good money, own (but mortgaged!!!) house and he earnt very little but was following a passion. We had our first child, I was still the main breadwinner but have always loved working (I am not really cut out to be a SAHM!) so have never minded that. Fast forward to DC2 DH had a much better job so I gave up work (happily) to look at DC2 and then DC3 when they arrived. Went back to work after 3 years working about 30 hours a week. Over the last 7 years I have retrained (whilst working full time) and got a great job with fab prospects. I have been approached by my boss about a promotion that will be even more challenging than my current role, more travel and lots more money (likely just below 100k). DH has a good job, decent money, still a bit of a passion but not as 'fun' as he once thought it was. So to cut a long story short...if I get the new job DH says he wants to give up work. DC are now late teens, DH does very little around the house (we have never had a cleaner), doesn't decorate, repair stuff or anything like that - I have always done 90% of everything. The issue is that I don't want him to. Mainly because I don't see why he should get to do what he wants all day (he wants to spend more time on his hobby....long days out in the country with his mates) and not contribute. I dont want to give up work so it isnt jealousy. I just know he won't keep up with the household choirs like I do so I will still need to do all that and the kids dont need full time care like they did when I wasn't working. I also accept that I am probably being mean. Am I? What would you do?

Sounds like he thinks because u had time off it's his turn, the difference is u took care of a home and young kids. Has he said what he intends to do with his time if he gives up work? Is he going to be a house husband or does he think you're going to work hard so he has a life of leisure?

I wouldn't be happy about it at all if I were u. Maybe agree to part time but he is responsible for the upkeep of the home.

Singlespies · 10/06/2023 12:29

My, now ex husband, put me in this position. I was always exhausted. We are no longer married. I now have time and money and a clean home. I resented him.

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