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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not think this is a big deal? DH disagrees

261 replies

awedding1one · 05/06/2023 12:32

A close friend of mine is getting married in a couple of months.

It's happened quite fast so she's pretty stressed and trying to pull everything together in time (the grooms mother is terminally ill and so they are wanting to do it sooner rather than later).

She is inviting children to the wedding and my daughter is close friends with her two along with some of the other children going of other mutual friends.

The issue is that my step children are not invited and my husband has taken issue with that and thinks it's unfair (they would be staying with DHs mum that evening although technically one is old enough to stay home alone too if they'd prefer). They are 15 and 12.

Husband thinks it's "mean" for me him and our DD to go out for the evening and leave DSC with grandparents (even though I imagine that's where they'd prefer to be).

I on the other hand can't see the issue at all and don't think it's mean whatsoever. It's the wedding of my friend who I honestly can't say has ever met DSC and who's child is good friends with our own DD hence her coming.

AIBU to think DH is being a bit OTT about this? He wants me to ask my friend to invite DSC as they are part of our family however I don't want to as I know she's already stressing about numbers and don't think it's fair to pressurise her into inviting who to her are two random teenagers who probably couldn't care less about being there.

OP posts:
happylittletree · 05/06/2023 12:34

It is mean. Not sure whether it's worth raising this with your friend, but your husband isn't wrong about that.

bibbityboppityboo · 05/06/2023 12:37

Numbers are limited, her DC are close with your DD and don't know your DSC. Hardly crime of the century!

It's not "mean" at all, it's just a collection of factors that mean the invite is for you, DH and DD and not them - I'm sure DSC wouldn't hate a sleepover at the grandparents? At their ages would they really want to go to a strangers wedding?

It's not "mean" if you guys do things as a three and don't involve the DSC every single time. It's not like you're planning a Disney trip without them 😉

SapphOhNo · 05/06/2023 12:37

Does close friend know your DSC? if not it's not a big deal

Does this speak to a wider issue about DSC being excluded from things or is this more of a one off?

Ragruggers · 05/06/2023 12:37

Why would 2 teenagers want to go to a wedding of someone theyhave never met?

UlrikakakaJ · 05/06/2023 12:37

I think it’s mean too. Do you have just the one biological DC? How would you feel if the bride invited only one of your biological children?

MyUsernameIsBetterThanYours · 05/06/2023 12:38

I don't think its mean. I remember going to family weddings as a child where some cousins above a certain age were invited and the other younger ones weren't. Inviting your DD because she's friends with the brides daughter but not other children is totally acceptable, and is something you can reasonably explain to your step-children.

Stompythedinosaur · 05/06/2023 12:39

I think it is normal to be careful around the feelings of step children within blended families.

I can see why your dh is uncomfortable with splitting the family in this way.

Can you honestly say that if you had another child patented by you both, who wasn't a friend of the invitees child, that they would also be excluded? I suspect they wouldn't be.

But, your step children are probably old enough to have a discussion about how they feel about it.

DarkForces · 05/06/2023 12:39

How is it mean? Weddings are for the b&g not other family politics. I wouldn't want 2 people I'd never met at my wedding

MyUsernameIsBetterThanYours · 05/06/2023 12:40

Ragruggers · 05/06/2023 12:37

Why would 2 teenagers want to go to a wedding of someone theyhave never met?

100% agree.

JonahAndTheSnail · 05/06/2023 12:41

Are the teen step children upset about not being invited though? I can't imagine I'd have wanted to go to a stranger's wedding at that age.

AlisonDonut · 05/06/2023 12:41

Is your husband this controlling of any of your other friends and their decisions?

They can invite who they want. Why not leave him at home and go with your daughter if he feels so slighted?

mainsfed · 05/06/2023 12:41

If it was OP's sibling's wedding then yes it would be mean to exclude DSC.

But this is OP's friend's wedding, who doesn't even know OP's DSC.

It would be mean to OP's friend to decline the invite on this basis or put pressure on her to include 2 more guests when she is already stressed by numbers.

If DH feels so strongly about it, why doesn't he stay home with DSC?

User1786 · 05/06/2023 12:43

If your step children live with you then it is very mean

Original poster
awedding1one · 05/06/2023 12:44

Can you honestly say that if you had another child patented by you both, who wasn't a friend of the invitees child, that they would also be excluded? I suspect they wouldn't be

No probably not. But then it's unlikely I'd have another child that my close friend had never met before or had no relationship with. The likelihood is that even if my other hypothetical child and her child weren't close, my friend would still have some relationship with my older hypothetical child by virtue of the fact she's my close friend.

She has absolutely no relationship with my stepchildren.

OP posts:
BreviloquentBastard · 05/06/2023 12:44

I don't think this is mean at all, it's one of the many hiccups you have to navigate with blended families.

I grew up in a massive family with lots of siblings and literally hundreds of cousins. I remember several weddings and events where I was invited and my younger sibs were not, even a couple where just me and my sister were invited but none of my brothers, or where my two older brothers were invited but not of the rest of us. I can't remember ever caring, we just learned that in big or blended families sometimes not everyone gets to go together to every single thing, and that's ok.

This woman has never met your step kids, I can't imagine why she'd invite them (nor why two teenagers would even want to go to the wedding of a total stranger). As long as your step kids are not regularly and consistently excluded from things, being left out this one time is not going to kill them.

mainsfed · 05/06/2023 12:44

Stompythedinosaur · 05/06/2023 12:39

I think it is normal to be careful around the feelings of step children within blended families.

I can see why your dh is uncomfortable with splitting the family in this way.

Can you honestly say that if you had another child patented by you both, who wasn't a friend of the invitees child, that they would also be excluded? I suspect they wouldn't be.

But, your step children are probably old enough to have a discussion about how they feel about it.

It's not OP's fault that she spends time with her dd, her friend and her friend's child, and it won't be OP's fault if and when a new baby is added into the mix. Just as it isn't OP's fault that her friend doesn't spend enough time with OP's DSC to warrant invites to her wedding.

Original poster
awedding1one · 05/06/2023 12:45

User1786 · 05/06/2023 12:43

If your step children live with you then it is very mean

They don't live with us full time no. But the wedding does happen to fall on a night they'd be with us typically.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/06/2023 12:45

No it's not mean. They've never met.

I understand where your husband is coming from so in that case I would say he can stay behind and spend time with his kids. You really can't ask a from the sounds of it a mega stressed out bride.

Selttan · 05/06/2023 12:46

Not mean - if your friend knew your stepchildren I'd think differently but as someone else said why would your stepchildren want to go to a wedding of someone they don't know and presumably won't know anyone at the wedding bar your family.

Leave your husband home with the stepchildren if he has an issue with them not being invited.

wildfirewonder · 05/06/2023 12:46

I don't agree with the word 'mean' as it is probably thoughtlessness rather than spite but I think it is wrong/poor etiquette so on blance I am more on your DH's side. You either invite the 'family' or you only invite the adults.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 05/06/2023 12:48

If he doesn’t think it’s right, he can stay home with his DC, but he shouldn’t be asking for an invite for them.

Original poster
awedding1one · 05/06/2023 12:48

I highly doubt DSC would care at all. It's DH who is worried how it will look, in his words like the proper family is going out together and they have to carted off to be babysat.

I don't think it needs to be so dramatic. They are capable of understanding that myself and their father are going to my friends wedding who they don't know and DD is also coming along as it's her friend's mum. They aren't babies, they are capable of understanding that imo.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 05/06/2023 12:49

It's not mean but it would be perfectly acceptable for your DH to decline his invitation to the wedding on the basis that it is a weekend to spend with his DCs. Then you and DD can attend and have a lovely time celebrating with your friend.

Pixiedust1234 · 05/06/2023 12:49

Good grief. Is your husband always this tunnel visioned over his children? I can quite clearly remember being dragged to a wedding of a friend of my mothers but two older siblings stayed at home.

Tell your DH that even siblings don't do every single family thing together and it doesn't mean they are loved less - if anything the children are loved more because their parents are in tune with their feelings and know what they do/don't like. I cant see his kids preferring a strangers wedding over staying at home with grandparents.

gettingoldisshit · 05/06/2023 12:49

Its a bit rude of your friend to not invite your dsc but im sure they would rather spend time with their grandparents anyway. However I would be pissed off in your dh position.