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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not think this is a big deal? DH disagrees

261 replies

awedding1one · 05/06/2023 12:32

A close friend of mine is getting married in a couple of months.

It's happened quite fast so she's pretty stressed and trying to pull everything together in time (the grooms mother is terminally ill and so they are wanting to do it sooner rather than later).

She is inviting children to the wedding and my daughter is close friends with her two along with some of the other children going of other mutual friends.

The issue is that my step children are not invited and my husband has taken issue with that and thinks it's unfair (they would be staying with DHs mum that evening although technically one is old enough to stay home alone too if they'd prefer). They are 15 and 12.

Husband thinks it's "mean" for me him and our DD to go out for the evening and leave DSC with grandparents (even though I imagine that's where they'd prefer to be).

I on the other hand can't see the issue at all and don't think it's mean whatsoever. It's the wedding of my friend who I honestly can't say has ever met DSC and who's child is good friends with our own DD hence her coming.

AIBU to think DH is being a bit OTT about this? He wants me to ask my friend to invite DSC as they are part of our family however I don't want to as I know she's already stressing about numbers and don't think it's fair to pressurise her into inviting who to her are two random teenagers who probably couldn't care less about being there.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 05/06/2023 13:05

@AnneLovesGilbert

I disagree. He'd like his DC to be invited. He's asking OP to raise this with her BF. That's not controlling.

It's obviously a sensitive situation though given the circumstances so not really easy for OP to do this.

5128gap · 05/06/2023 13:06

Sounds to me like your friend has quite enough on her plate already and can be forgiven for overlooking two teens she has never met. I'd imagine your husband is only invited as a plus one courtesy, as its you and DD who are the friends, so I'd be suggesting he stayed home with his children.
(I'd also be tempted to gently point out that the rest of the world is not obligated to ensure the children he doesn't live with anymore never feel secondary to the child who does. That's on him.)

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/06/2023 13:06

I think it's very rude to include some children from a family while excluding others. Of course they aren't obliged to have your DSC at the wedding but it would have been better in that case not to invite any of your children.

StopFeckingFaffing · 05/06/2023 13:06

I would not expect the SDC to be invited, and would think it a bit odd if they were considering the couple getting married have never met them

I think it is also relevant that the bride is primarily your friend

As you say it is highly unlikely the SDC will give a toss

DarkForces · 05/06/2023 13:06

EarringsandLipstick · 05/06/2023 13:02

But the wedding does happen to fall on a night they'd be with us typically.

Then, yes, mean. And I would have said, at the time of invite, that the DSC would be there.

That said, I agree the DSC might not actually want to go.

Would be where? At a wedding they're not invited to or would you be angling for 2 extra invites? Very rude either way

ShoesoftheWorld · 05/06/2023 13:07

Freefall212 · 05/06/2023 12:59

There was recently another thread about a teen stepson not being invited to an extended family member’s wedding (who he had also never met) and about 95% of the responses where that this was cruel and wrong and that no one should go to the wedding if the step son wasn’t invited. The expectation was the her husband miss his family members wedding if the step son wasn’t invited. That excluding a step child is evil and says a lot about how horrible people are.

I am sure someone can find the thread. It was popular.

Family member is different from friend.

MagicSpring · 05/06/2023 13:08

Goodness. It’s less than ideal, but they are trying to organize a rush wedding because of a terminally ill parent. If ever there was a time to cut someone some slack, it’s now.

The grandchildren of the very ill parent know and will welcome their friends. It’ll be a pleasant distraction for them. I think your stepchildren may well be able to understand and sympathize with that.

verdantverdure · 05/06/2023 13:08

I'd ask the kids if they want to go.

If they don't, problem solved.

If they do, then speak to the bride about the whole family coming.

Freefall212 · 05/06/2023 13:10

ShoesoftheWorld · 05/06/2023 13:07

Family member is different from friend.

Show quote history

In what way? The lived far apart and the family member had never even met the step son. It doesn't change the step child's relationship to the immediate family. Are they or are they not part of the family?

I guess the differences in responses maybe highlights more a double standard related to gender roles than a step child issue. Maybe children of a mother must aleays be included and seen as family but children of a father are not part of the family and should not expect to be seen or included?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 05/06/2023 13:11

Is this not one of those times where your (or rather, his) emotional and rational brain are arguing?

Logically of course it makes sense that the older kids aren't invited. They don't know the bride and groom mainly. However, I can see how it would feel a bit shitty to be excluded from an event that your family is going to. The kids never asked for their parents to split up.
However, their feelings don't come before the bride and groom's. If they were invited it's also probably true that people who the bride and groom want there, can't go.

Maybe your husband just needs to talk it through and hear that you understand why he's worried and what the two of you can do to protect the kids feelings.

ThinkOfLove · 05/06/2023 13:11

Your husband is being ridiculous. It’s your friend, the children aren’t yours and she doesn’t know them so why would she invite them?

He could stay with his children and you go with your daughter to the wedding.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/06/2023 13:11

I'm surprised at these responses. The fact that this lady knows your child shows that she spends time with your child independently of the step children already, and I'm sure your step children arent bothered about this.

I actually think it would be rude to ask her to invite to step children who don't live with you full time and crucially, that she has not even ever met, just because the wedding happens to fall on the weekend of their contact time.

If your husband really thinks that teens will be upset at not being invited to the wedding of someone that they dont know, then he can always stay at home with them.

People invite say work friends to weddings without the rest of their family - it's fine in certain circumstances.

If they lived with you and she had met them numerous times and then excluded them, yes that would be 'mean'.

whumpthereitis · 05/06/2023 13:11

She doesn’t know your stepchildren, and they’re not the children of her friend. Why would she invite them? Yes, they’re part of your family, but presumably you have a lot of family members of various ages she hasn’t invited either.

It’s only mean if you think a blended family has to operate and be considered in the same way as a nuclear one, despite the fact they are fundamentally different.

AlisonDonut · 05/06/2023 13:12

verdantverdure · 05/06/2023 13:08

I'd ask the kids if they want to go.

If they don't, problem solved.

If they do, then speak to the bride about the whole family coming.

Why do two teens get to decide on a different family's wedding guest list?

Iouisa · 05/06/2023 13:12

DarkForces · 05/06/2023 13:05

So you'd be happy for your kids to miss out on time with friends because the dad of 2 teens who have never met the couple wants them to go?
Right...it'd be none of you then

Show quote history

Or trott off to the wedding with half the blended family and ship the rest off to babysitters, yeah that's the way to show everyone is a family. Each to their own, luckily I havent been put in this position by any friends or family as my blended family are fully accepted as one.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 05/06/2023 13:12

My stepson hasn't invited my sons to his wedding. Now that's rude!
And probably a post for another day.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 05/06/2023 13:15

AlisonDonut · 05/06/2023 13:12

Why do two teens get to decide on a different family's wedding guest list?

Show quote history

This. Children would never be asked if they want to go to a wedding they’ve not been invited to, but somehow this becomes a normal suggestion when they are DSC

OhComeOnFFS · 05/06/2023 13:15

Does this mean that the SC's mother can't go to a wedding with her children, without the father, SM and their children coming along too?

This is crazy, OP. Treat the kids to a Dominoes and they will be much happier than if they were at the wedding of someone they've never met and are unlikely to ever meet.

And tell your husband to wind his neck in.

CornishGem1975 · 05/06/2023 13:15

Babysharkdoodoodood · 05/06/2023 13:12

My stepson hasn't invited my sons to his wedding. Now that's rude!
And probably a post for another day.

Oh that's a whole other bloody minefield isn't it!

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2023 13:17

Or trott off to the wedding with half the blended family and ship the rest off to babysitters, yeah that's the way to show everyone is a family. Each to their own, luckily I havent been put in this position by any friends or family as my blended family are fully accepted as one.

Not everything is a platform to show who is and isn't family, not everyone views things that way. My blended family is not "one", really, we all share DPs family and friends, but DP, DC and I also have my family and friends, and DSS also has his mum's family and friends.

Nothing wrong with that, nobody is upset. No need to turn all of our social interactions i into an opportunity to prove how much of a family we are.

ThinkOfLove · 05/06/2023 13:19

My stepson hasn't invited my sons to his wedding. Now that's rude!
And probably a post for another day.

Just because they’re now ‘step brothers‘ because of decisions made by their parents, doesn’t mean they particularly have to like each other though. Presumably if they were all close, they’d be invited. 🤷🏻‍♀️

WheelsUp · 05/06/2023 13:20

My teens wouldn't want to go to a wedding. They'd be happy staying home alone with a Deliveroo takeaway for dinner.

pikkumyy77 · 05/06/2023 13:21

Its not “mean”—your dh needs a larger, more nuanced vocabulary to help him navigate adult life. The attribution “mean” leaves him (and his children) nothing but sulking and resentment as responses to someone else’s personal decision.

Oblomov23 · 05/06/2023 13:21

No, this seems completely reasonable to just invite your dc.

RenegadeMrs · 05/06/2023 13:22

If he's worried about appearences/his kids the obvious solution is for only you and your daughter to go, not for him to ask for two extra invites!

I do think that expecting someone to cough up probably £100+ for two family member they don't know (they are not small kids and will need to be catered for) to sort out someone else's family politics is cheeky tbh.

My opinion would be different if they were little kids, but these childern are of an age where they are perfectly capable of understanding why their step sister is going and they aren't.