To not think this is a big deal? DH disagrees

[awedding1one]

A close friend of mine is getting married in a couple of months.

It's happened quite fast so she's pretty stressed and trying to pull everything together in time (the grooms mother is terminally ill and so they are wanting to do it sooner rather than later).

She is inviting children to the wedding and my daughter is close friends with her two along with some of the other children going of other mutual friends.

The issue is that my step children are not invited and my husband has taken issue with that and thinks it's unfair (they would be staying with DHs mum that evening although technically one is old enough to stay home alone too if they'd prefer). They are 15 and 12.

Husband thinks it's "mean" for me him and our DD to go out for the evening and leave DSC with grandparents (even though I imagine that's where they'd prefer to be).

I on the other hand can't see the issue at all and don't think it's mean whatsoever. It's the wedding of my friend who I honestly can't say has ever met DSC and who's child is good friends with our own DD hence her coming.

AIBU to think DH is being a bit OTT about this? He wants me to ask my friend to invite DSC as they are part of our family however I don't want to as I know she's already stressing about numbers and don't think it's fair to pressurise her into inviting who to her are two random teenagers who probably couldn't care less about being there.

Your husband is being silly in these circumstances.
If hes that bothered tell him to stay with his children and you'll go alone.

I don’t think it’s mean at all. Your invited child is being invited as a friend of the brides child - with other kid friends.
she’s never met teen steps and so hasn’t invited as numbers are limited. What’s the problem? I’m sure that steps would totally get it. He’s being over sensitive.

Does she know the children? If so that’s a bit unfair but her wedding I guess. If she doesn’t know then fair enough

Is this for real??! Of course they shouldn’t be there! Why on earth would anyone invite someone to their wedding that they’ve never met!!

My dp would have been the same and was the same actually if it was for the dsd who lives with us, but not for the dscs who do not live with us. But dsd was younger when this situation came up for us and it didnt feel right leaving him out as we were a family unit, but now he is older, he wouldn’t want to go to a family or friends wedding of mine he didn’t know anyway

If wedding is a weekend the DSC are with you & their dad & there is space at the wedding for them you give them the option to come, stay home or stay with granny. You do not automatically not bring them because that is just not how parenting, step or biological parent, works!
Whether they have met your friend or not you & your partner are their resident ‘parents’ at the time of the wedding & they are part of your family.
They know your DD, she can introduce them to the other children & you can all have a wonderful time.

You don’t need to ask your friend to ‘invite the step kids’ you speak to her about the wedding weekend being the weekend you have care of the DSC & explain that you would like to give DSC the option to come
to the wedding, if that is ok with her.
That way you all get to spend time with each-other & experience a normal family unit celebration.

They're in a hurry. They're likely on a budget. It's their wedding.
If your children weren't family friends l doubt they'd be invited.
Your husband is being ridiculous. This isn't about you.

I'm intrigued as to why some posters believe that it is for the bride and groom to make things fair and not the children's father? The teens never need to even know about the wedding if he's that keen to ensure they don't feel excluded as he could be at home with them.

Instead, he wants to go to the wedding (clearly not THAT affronted by 'mean friend' if he still wants a day out at her wedding) but insist that his children are accommodated to ensure they don't feel excluded. So he makes no sacrifice for them but the bride ends up with an extra bill and two potentially bored strangers at her small and already emotionally charged wedding. It just seems like he wants everyone else to bear the burden of making things 'fair' without doing anything himself.

You don’t need to ask your friend to ‘invite the step kids’ you speak to her about the wedding weekend being the weekend you have care of the DSC & explain that you would like to give DSC the option to come
to the wedding, if that is ok with her
Of course, what else does the stressed and probably grieving soon couple need when arranging a quick wedding need but a guilt trip!

This is a horrible perspective.
How "me, me, me" can one post get?

Explain that you would like to give the DSC the option to come to the wedding 😂 What on earth are you talking about? They haven't been invited, of course it's not okay with her. That is absolutely asking her to invite them to the wedding, dressed up in an extremely self involved, entitled way.

Yes, can I ask them if they want to come?

Oh, you want them to come, okay.

No, I want to ask them if they want to come, they might decide not to.

Right….

People lose their heads whenever steps are involved.

It's not a big deal - she doesn't know them! Who invites people they have never met to a small wedding?!

Turn it round for your DH - there are bound to be friends of dsc's Mum who they know and your dd doesn't. You would not expect your dd to be invited to their weddings

Your DF knows you have step children, so could have invited them. But she doesn't know them, so risk to her wedding is could they cause havoc. And weddings are expensive so why should she invite them when they present a potential risk?

It's not your wedding, it's not your or your DPs choice so he needs to suck it up.

Life isn't fair It isn't meant to be. Survival of the finest and all that...

Its not mean at all, your DH is being unreasonable to expect your friend to invite extra guests whom shes never met.

Your DF knows you have step children, so could have invited them.

My friends know I have a SC but that doesn't mean it would ever occur to them to invite them anywhere. They also know I never really talk about him to them, and he's also never there when I see them - so I'm obviously fine doing things without him and primarily do.

They have no reason to take from this that it's necessary to invite him places when they invite me.

I know this comment wasn't against OP, but I just wanted to say this in defence of friends not inviting their friends SC. This simply isn't the dynamic for everyone.

@WunWun I think I may not have explained very well, after reading my comment back, what I meant but it may also be that you haven’t read past 1st line or 2 & decided I said OP should just bring the DSC whether they were invited or not.

That is not what I meant or said at all.

OP should not be telling the bride she has to invite the DSC to the wedding at all but there is no harm in talking to her friend to see if it was a possibility.
OP also can’t invite the DSC or give them the option to come to the wedding if the bride isn’t ok with them coming. Her wedding her choice as to who comes no matter what DSC situation the decision could cause.
All the asking would involve is an adult conversation with the bride about the weekend of the wedding clashing with when OP & her husband have the DSC to stay & checking with the bride if it was ok to bring them along, if they wanted to come.
It is a simple as that.
No one is acting entitled or anything of the sort.
I would certainly not be telling OP to demand that the bride lets DSC come or doing that myself as that is just rude!

@DrMarciaFieldstone I don’t know if you agree with what I said or what WunWun said.
I did waffle a bit in my original comment & reading it back it could be misconstrued if WunWun didn’t read past the 1st few lines.

I would never expect someone to invite anyone to their wedding but I would not be shy about having an adult conversation with a friend about a situation arising regarding the weekend of the wedding & running the idea past her of DSC being able to come along, IF it was ok with her.
She can say no because it is her wedding so she can invite & not invite who she wants to & as I am an adult I can take that answer & would then make alternative arrangements for the DSC for that day/night/weekend.

@Grrrrdarling but even just asking puts her in an awkward position. She might not mind at all but she might feel obliged to say yes, or bad saying no, at a time she's already feeling bad.

And I would not want to be known to my friend as the person who would ask for not even one but two additional guests to their wedding.

@aSofaNearYou Apologies for the long reply. I have ADHD & it is hard to cover all bases in text form as you can’t convey feeling or sentiment easily this way & stuff often gets lost in translation.

I totally think OP’s husband is wrong to be upset & angry that his DSC haven’t been invited & to demand they should be at the wedding but I see no harm in OP asking the bride, who is OP’s very close friend, if there is any space to add them to OP’s invite.
They are part of OP’s family, they come as a package with her partner, so I can’t see a problem with running the situation past her close friend.

This is a situation myself & my friends have dealt with in the past & none of us would feel bad if we genuinely couldn’t accommodate extra guests or if the person we asked couldn’t accommodate extra guests.

My friends would also not have an issue with me asking this sort of question but they would be upset if I didn’t feel I could come to them with such a simple situational question.

It is not like OP or her DH are telling the DSC they can come then demanding the bride invite them because they are already excited about the day. That would be childish, rude, presumptuous & very bad form!
If anyone did that to me or my friends I would be seriously reconsidering their friendship because our friends group & people I know/associate with do not behave like that.

There could be lots of reason the DSC can’t be added to the guest list - Limited numbers due to small venue, budget, personal choice etc etc - but my friends would not feel bad at all if they had to say no. At the end of the day they can have whoever they want at their wedding & my situation is mine to deal with not theirs.

This is literally a…
‘Hi friend,
Your wedding clashes with the weekend we have DSC to stay.
We do have alternative childcare with grandma to fall back on & I know you have never met DSC but is there any chance you could you squeeze an extra 2 on the guest list JUST INCASE they would like to come.
Totally fine if you cannot accommodate them because 1) you don’t know them, 2)I know how quickly all this is being pulled together & how stressed you are about the whole thing right now & 3) it is your day so you can invite & not invite who you choose.
I haven’t told DSC they can come & do not expect you to say yes because the situation that has arisen is mine to deal with &, like I said, we do have alternative help if they can’t come.’
Then I’d ask if there is anything my close friend needs or anything she needs help with for the wedding.

If friend says no & OP’s DH is so upset he can stay home with his DSC, quality dad & kids time is priceless, while OP & the daughter go to the wedding. Problem solved.

@Grrrrdarling I get what you're saying but a lot of people would feel awkward saying no and that has to be considered.

Plus I would have decided in my own mind that, even if they would have said yes, asking for two extra strangers is too much to ask and I would not do it. Maybe one, at a push, but not two.

I'm baffled - how can you see this as mean?

Apologies for waffling on. I don’t know how else to explain things & it seems as though people are completely misunderstanding what I mean despite me trying to explain what i mean from my experience of similar situations.

It seems to me that DSC are only strangers because they haven’t met OP’s close friend as that situation has possibly never arisen & OP doesn’t really talk about DSC with her friends. To be honest I find that more weird than OP asking if DSC could POSSIBLY be added to the invite but people deal with these things differently based on their family dynamics & childcare options.

My life mottos…

If you don’t ask you don’t get…
If you don’t ask you’ll never learn…
If you don’t ask you’ll never know.

Having everything in life won’t make you happy but you can be happy with what you have.

In short I think OP’s DH is very wrong to blame her for the DSC not being invited & he is also out of order being annoyed at her friend.
From my experience not many people, if any, would have an issue with you asking if you could bring 1 or 2 more to the event or the after party, party being easier to accommodate more numbers so I would just ask & whatever the bride said would be an acceptable answer.

Not at all @Yousee

My life mottos…

If you don’t ask you don’t get…
If you don’t ask you’ll never learn…
If you don’t ask you’ll never know.

&… Having everything in life won’t make you happy but you can be happy with what you have.

In short I think OP’s DH is very wrong to blame her for the DSC not being invited & he is also out of order being annoyed at her friend.

From my experience NO-ONE I know would have an issue with me asking IF it was possible, no demanding, to bring 1/2 more to more to an event or after party, with the party being an understandably easier situation to accommodate extra numbers, so I would just ask & whatever the bride said would be an acceptable answer.

There is no pressure for the friend to say yes to extra guests just a simple adult conversation to see IF it is possible before I arranged other childcare for the DSC or rearranged contact for any other weekend.

It is strange to me that people can’t have these sort of simple conversations with people they consider close friends without everyone getting offended because I would feel bad if I found out someone close to me felt they couldn’t ask me something!

It's not just a party though @Grrrrdarling , it's a wedding

If it was a BBQ or birthday party or something then is a completely different scenario

I don't know any couple getting married who hasn't struggled with the guest list to some degree making sure they have everyone they want there, while trying to avoid offending anyone and keeping control of costs. Being asked if you can add a couple of extra teenagers is no small ask. There are likely plenty of other parents invited who haven't had their DC included in the invite so it's not just about finding space for 2 extra bums it's the added politics/stress which I'm sure the bride could do without.