Page 6 | To not think this is a big deal? DH disagrees

awedding1one · 2023-06-05T11:32:58+00:00

A close friend of mine is getting married in a couple of months. It's happened quite fast so she's pretty stressed and trying to pull everything together in time (the grooms mother is terminally ill and so they are wanting to do it sooner rather than later). She is inviting children to the wedding and my daughter is close friends with her two along with some of the other children going of other mutual friends. The issue is that my step children are not invited and my husband has taken issue with that and thinks it's unfair (they would be staying with DHs mum that evening although technically one is old enough to stay home alone too if they'd prefer). They are 15 and 12. Husband thinks it's "mean" for me him and our DD to go out for the evening and leave DSC with grandparents (even though I imagine that's where they'd prefer to be). I on the other hand can't see the issue at all and don't think it's mean whatsoever. It's the wedding of my friend who I honestly can't say has ever met DSC and who's child is good friends with our own DD hence her coming. AIBU to think DH is being a bit OTT about this? He wants me to ask my friend to invite DSC as they are part of our family however I don't want to as I know she's already stressing about numbers and don't think it's fair to pressurise her into inviting who to her are two random teenagers who probably couldn't care less about being there.

VDisappointing · 05/06/2023 14:06

I would never judge a person whose pulling their wedding together last minute because their mother is dying. I think your hubby is being mean worrying about his teen children's invite when as you said they don't know the woman and are likely not to want to come.
This is not a normal scenario where there is time to ponder correctness towards guests. Your hubby needs to think about this woman's predicament.

Megifer · 05/06/2023 14:06

No its not mean at all. If it was a family wedding that would be different.

billy1966 · 05/06/2023 14:08

knittingaddict · 05/06/2023 14:03

Ever thought that the people posting on the other thread are different to the ones on here and therefore have different views? Hate it when people assume a hive mind on mn. It's a meaningless comparison.

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Agreed.

Even worse when two vastly different situations with the only commonality being the words "step children" in the threads being thrown up as inconsistent posting.

There are many many different scenarios that will demand a more nuanced answer, not a one size rule fits all situations.

EdinaCrump · 05/06/2023 14:08

I’m with your husband on this.

In fact in your shoes I wouldn’t be going to the wedding myself if my SC had been excluded from the invite.

BombasticSideEye · 05/06/2023 14:09

billy1966 · 05/06/2023 13:54

Go with your daughter on your own and put an end to the discussion.

Do not approach your friend with this.

Your husband should stay and mind his children.

A lovely opportunity for him to have 1 on 1 time with them both.

This. It really is the most straight forward solution.

Murpe · 05/06/2023 14:10

A good friend of my mother's got married when I was a teenager. The bride had two teen daughters: I was in the same class at school as one of them, and very good friends. My eldest sibling was in the same class at school as the bride's eldest daughter, and not at all friends (nothing negative between them - just different crowds).

I went to the wedding with my mum, and neither of my other two siblings were invited - as far as I can recall it just didn't even occur to any of us that they would be. TBH it would have affected their Saturday jobs and social plans for the evening, so I can't imagine they would have wanted to anyway. I went because I also had a connection to the family, just as your DD is friends with your bride's daughters. Nothing to do with stepchildren or not, everything to do with who had links/friendships with whom.

Madamecastafiore · 05/06/2023 14:11

VDisappointing · 05/06/2023 14:06

I would never judge a person whose pulling their wedding together last minute because their mother is dying. I think your hubby is being mean worrying about his teen children's invite when as you said they don't know the woman and are likely not to want to come.
This is not a normal scenario where there is time to ponder correctness towards guests. Your hubby needs to think about this woman's predicament.

I was coming on to say exactly this. FFS, in this scenario she doesn't have the headspace to think about other people's sensibilities and your husband needs to understand this is going to be a particularly poignant occasion for all involved. Tell him to get his head out if his arse and think about the bigger picture.

entangledconker · 05/06/2023 14:11

I mean I invited my DD's 10 year old friend to our Weddings evening do and her Mum cake with her. She also had a daughter who I didn't invite as she was a couple of years older and wasn't my DD's friend... I'm now thinking I was BU...? But Weddings are so expensive and you do have to draw a line somewhere.
There are lots of ways that Step children sometimes do get excluded but I'm really not sure this is one of them.

Freefall212 · 05/06/2023 14:11

billy1966 · 05/06/2023 13:57

That other thread was a family wedding, and only one child which was the best mans only child.

A vastly different situation.

But when numbers are so tight, it is perfectly reasonable for OP and her child to go alone.

It wasn't the best man's child. It was his wife's child. A step-child. And I think he was a teen also, not a child.

Original poster

awedding1one · 05/06/2023 14:12

I don't think it's fair at all to call my friend thoughtless. She's going through a lot, she's close with her fiance's mother and this is really affecting her (as well as him of course!) And she's trying to arrange all of this around a very unwell relative. Why would two random teens be in the forefront of her thoughts? She doesn't know them. It's a smaller wedding as it is with less than 40 guests.

And no, of course I'm not going to refuse to go to a close friends wedding because teenagers who have no relationship with the couple getting married haven't been invited and likely wouldn't want to go anyway!

OP posts:

GoodChat · 05/06/2023 14:19

I don't think it's fair at all to call my friend thoughtless

I don't think anyone's calling her thoughtless as an insult, or suggesting she's generally thoughtless, just that blended families sometimes need a consideration she may not have even realised.

Outdamnspot23 · 05/06/2023 14:20

Your poor friend.

I agree with a PP - you go with your daughter, your husband can stay behind and parent his children on their contact weekend. They are staying with him that weekend to spend time with him, not you. If he's not happy with that he just needs to see the bigger picture and be an adult about it. It's a tiny wedding done in a hurry for really sad reasons. His children are very important to your family but they aren't the centre of your friend's concerns at present and that's ok.

billy1966 · 05/06/2023 14:21

Freefall212 · 05/06/2023 14:11

It wasn't the best man's child. It was his wife's child. A step-child. And I think he was a teen also, not a child.

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"The husband/best man to his brother only had a step child.
No shared children."

☝that is what I wrote.

Could it be ANY clearer.

I wrote it was the husbands stepchild, so therefore that would mean his wifes child🤷🏻‍♀️

The husband ONLY had step child
No shared children.

FairAcre · 05/06/2023 14:21

I have been invited to weddings and parties where only one of my children were invited for one reason or another. Nobody cared. It is no big deal

tommyshelbysbunnit · 05/06/2023 14:22

Go and enjoy yourself and give your friend the support she needs

ThinkOfLove · 05/06/2023 14:24

It wasn't the best man's child. It was his wife's child. A step-child. And I think he was a teen also, not a child

I think I found the thread.

The man was brother and best man to the groom. He wanted his step child to go to his brothers wedding that he was best man at. He was devastated his step son wasn’t invited. His brother should possibly have taken his feelings into consideration.

In this case, it’s a friend not a sibling. And to make it comparable, OP would have to be devastated that her step children were not invited. She’s not. It’s her husband that has the issue. The bride doesn’t have to take her friends husbands feelings into consideration in the same way a brother would possibly take his brothers, his best mans, feelings into consideration.

Either way, the bride and groom say who goes to their wedding and if no step kids are the rule, no step kids are going,

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 14:25

The fact is, it’s the bride’s wedding and she can invite or not invite anyone she wants. Case closed.

billy1966 · 05/06/2023 14:25

awedding1one · 05/06/2023 14:12

I don't think it's fair at all to call my friend thoughtless. She's going through a lot, she's close with her fiance's mother and this is really affecting her (as well as him of course!) And she's trying to arrange all of this around a very unwell relative. Why would two random teens be in the forefront of her thoughts? She doesn't know them. It's a smaller wedding as it is with less than 40 guests.

And no, of course I'm not going to refuse to go to a close friends wedding because teenagers who have no relationship with the couple getting married haven't been invited and likely wouldn't want to go anyway!

40 people is a small wedding.

Of course your friend is not being thoughtless to not include two teens she has never met.

Your husband loves a bit of drama.🙄

Ignore him and go with your daughter.

One might have thought he would embrace some 1 on 1 time with HIS children, or is he one of those men who can't stand tp parent his children alone?

Either way, tell him to get over himself.

GoodChat · 05/06/2023 14:26

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 14:25

The fact is, it’s the bride’s wedding and she can invite or not invite anyone she wants. Case closed.

That doesn't invalidate anyone else's feelings. It doesn't mean she has to invite anyone else, but it doesn't mean the DH isn't allowed to feel the way he does.

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 14:27

GoodChat · 05/06/2023 14:26

That doesn't invalidate anyone else's feelings. It doesn't mean she has to invite anyone else, but it doesn't mean the DH isn't allowed to feel the way he does.

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I never said a word about feelings. You even agreed with me. Don’t bring up something I didn’t even mention.

Use logic and you’ll be much happier and more accurate.

GoodChat · 05/06/2023 14:28

@MysteryBelle it's not case closed though, is it...

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/06/2023 14:28

I don't think this is a big deal at all and I think its fairly bizarre that people are put out about this.

Guarantee the two step kids will not want to go and will probably feel they've dodged a bullet. Forcing the issue and asking an invitation will seem really rude I think.

TheDays · 05/06/2023 14:29

I don’t see a problem with this.

DSD has never been to a wedding with us.
We recently went to a friends wedding and she wasn’t invited as the couple don’t know her but they know our kids.

My brother didn’t invite her a few years ago either and my daughter and son was part of the wedding party.

We don’t see our friends very often when she’s with us so they don’t know her like they know our kids.

Numbers are limited so I don’t think it’s a problem not inviting her.

TheDays · 05/06/2023 14:30

Asking for them to come though is really rude.

He can either go with you or decline the invite.

billy1966 · 05/06/2023 14:30

ThinkOfLove · 05/06/2023 14:24

It wasn't the best man's child. It was his wife's child. A step-child. And I think he was a teen also, not a child

I think I found the thread.

The man was brother and best man to the groom. He wanted his step child to go to his brothers wedding that he was best man at. He was devastated his step son wasn’t invited. His brother should possibly have taken his feelings into consideration.

In this case, it’s a friend not a sibling. And to make it comparable, OP would have to be devastated that her step children were not invited. She’s not. It’s her husband that has the issue. The bride doesn’t have to take her friends husbands feelings into consideration in the same way a brother would possibly take his brothers, his best mans, feelings into consideration.

Either way, the bride and groom say who goes to their wedding and if no step kids are the rule, no step kids are going,

Thats the one.

The husband was upset his brother hadn't included his likely only child, his step child.

The OP was married to the brother and they were very hurt that their child, a step child to the grooms brother, and best man, was being singled out and not invited, when the grooms sisters children were both invited.

Completely understandable at a family wedding.

A completely different scenario.