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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not think this is a big deal? DH disagrees

261 replies

awedding1one · 05/06/2023 12:32

A close friend of mine is getting married in a couple of months.

It's happened quite fast so she's pretty stressed and trying to pull everything together in time (the grooms mother is terminally ill and so they are wanting to do it sooner rather than later).

She is inviting children to the wedding and my daughter is close friends with her two along with some of the other children going of other mutual friends.

The issue is that my step children are not invited and my husband has taken issue with that and thinks it's unfair (they would be staying with DHs mum that evening although technically one is old enough to stay home alone too if they'd prefer). They are 15 and 12.

Husband thinks it's "mean" for me him and our DD to go out for the evening and leave DSC with grandparents (even though I imagine that's where they'd prefer to be).

I on the other hand can't see the issue at all and don't think it's mean whatsoever. It's the wedding of my friend who I honestly can't say has ever met DSC and who's child is good friends with our own DD hence her coming.

AIBU to think DH is being a bit OTT about this? He wants me to ask my friend to invite DSC as they are part of our family however I don't want to as I know she's already stressing about numbers and don't think it's fair to pressurise her into inviting who to her are two random teenagers who probably couldn't care less about being there.

OP posts:
ANiceBigCupOfTea · 05/06/2023 13:23

Is it possible your DH just doesn't want to go and is using this as his reason?
If the bride and groom don't really know the DC then I understand completely why they haven't been invited.

neverbeenskiing · 05/06/2023 13:24

He'd like his DC to be invited. He's asking OP to raise this with her BF. That's not controlling.

I wouldn't say controlling, but I think he's being very self-absorbed. Why should OP put her already stressed out friend in an awkward position by asking her to invite two additional wedding guests? Why should OP's friend pay to host two additional people she has never met? Because it's what "he'd like". Except it doesn't matter what he'd like, because the day isn't about him.

WunWun · 05/06/2023 13:24

I agree with you totally.

There is also no vaguely appropriate reason or way to ask someone to invite people to their wedding! If your DH has a problem with it he could stay at home to make a point, but no one can ask someone to invite someone to their wedding!

piscesangel · 05/06/2023 13:25

I think it would be very rude to ask your friend to have two people she doesn't know at her wedding.

I come from a blended family and was in this situation a number of times (as the older DC not invited) - it never occurred to me that I should have been taken along when I didn't know the people involved. And I'm extremely close to my family, including the 'steps' (who I don't describe as such in normal life, they're full family to me)- but we have never felt the need to 'perform' being a single unit in the way that is being described on this thread

beAsensible1 · 05/06/2023 13:25

yes it is mean.

if she is inviting your family then your DSC should also be invited, otherwise it makes a very clear statement that your DD is part of the family and they are not.

your DH shouldn't go

tommyshelbysbunnit · 05/06/2023 13:28

I think the bride has enough on her plate just now

whumpthereitis · 05/06/2023 13:28

beAsensible1 · 05/06/2023 13:25

yes it is mean.

if she is inviting your family then your DSC should also be invited, otherwise it makes a very clear statement that your DD is part of the family and they are not.

your DH shouldn't go

So her brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews aren’t part of her family then, given they presumably haven’t been invited either.

The friend has invited her friend, her friends husband, and her friends child she has an established relationship with. Entirely normal.

DollyParkin · 05/06/2023 13:30

It's the wedding of my friend who I honestly can't say has ever met DSC

Your DH is being unreasonable, not you. He’s being somewhat PFB! And would two teens really want to go to a wedding of someone they’ve never met?

whumpthereitis · 05/06/2023 13:30

And yes, don’t bring this to your friend. She’s clearly going through enough right now and doesn’t need to address your husbands sensitivities on top of everything else.

SnugAsA · 05/06/2023 13:35

If any explanation were needed (and it's probably not, since they likely didn't want to go to the wedding, anyway), it's easy to gently and logically point out that the bride has never met them. Furthermore, she is going through a difficult time, limited on numbers, etc. It's not mean! What would be mean would be adding to the bride's stress over a non-issue. She's not whisking the three of you away on an exotic, once-in-a-lifetime holiday. It's a boring wedding!

It's not the same thing as inviting one of your children and not the other. The step-children don't know the bride or groom, but if you had two biological children, they most likely would both know the bride. Totally different scenario.

If your husband objects that strongly, he can come up with an excuse not to attend, but he's come across as a self-absorbed jerk.

baileys6904 · 05/06/2023 13:35

I'm in a blended family. If my dc were excluded from an invite olfrom my dps friendship side, I'd be pissed off too.

It's not about whether the kids want to come or the the B&G Have ever met them, it's about treating what effectively is actively trying to be 1 family as 2 different entities.

Oh and I'm female and not controlling in any way shape or form so 🤷‍♀️

bussteward · 05/06/2023 13:37

Sparkletastic · 05/06/2023 12:49

It's not mean but it would be perfectly acceptable for your DH to decline his invitation to the wedding on the basis that it is a weekend to spend with his DCs. Then you and DD can attend and have a lovely time celebrating with your friend.

This.

LacewingOrpington · 05/06/2023 13:38

Sparkletastic · 05/06/2023 12:49

It's not mean but it would be perfectly acceptable for your DH to decline his invitation to the wedding on the basis that it is a weekend to spend with his DCs. Then you and DD can attend and have a lovely time celebrating with your friend.

I agree. That’s the option if he feels it’s divisive if he goes without them.

Soakitup37 · 05/06/2023 13:38

My father step mother and my step sister would frequently be invited to things like weddings when I wasn’t (as a teenager age too) it was a relief to be able to skip the event since it wasn’t personal to me.

so I vote not mean, and dh sounds like he’s trying to protect his children from a non issue.

Withnailandeye · 05/06/2023 13:39

Regardless of what any of us think about it, the fact is that they haven’t been invited. You cannot ask for an invitation to a wedding, not for your children or your partner or any other reason - it is just genuinely unacceptable to do that and it will almost certainly negatively affect your friendship so options available to your husband are to either attend, or to not attend.

Whichwhatnow · 05/06/2023 13:39

Apart from anything else, I would have hated to be dragged to some random's wedding as a teen. Slip them some money for a Domino's or something and let them have a nice fun evening of their own choice. I generally hate weddings as an adult, as a teenager I'd just be sat there scowling all evening 😆

Floralys2 · 05/06/2023 13:39

If I was one of the two kids not going I'd be over the moon

Verv · 05/06/2023 13:40

Your DD is friend with brides DCs.
Bride has never met and doesnt know DSC's.

Why would bride pay for 2x meals for DC's she's never met and her child has no relationship with?

Has anyone asked the SC if they want to go to a formal event of someone they dont know for several hours? Suspect answer would be resounding NO TY.

beAsensible1 · 05/06/2023 13:41

whumpthereitis · 05/06/2023 13:28

So her brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews aren’t part of her family then, given they presumably haven’t been invited either.

The friend has invited her friend, her friends husband, and her friends child she has an established relationship with. Entirely normal.

Show quote history

🤨your nuclear family and the entirety of your blood relatives are 2 different things but i'm sure you know this.

If you create a blended family, that includes your partners children. It's even during his contact time. if its her friend and her daughters friend then the two should go and he should stay home.

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 13:41

No, it’s not mean. It makes no sense to invite them, the bride has never met them, she doesn’t know them. They don’t even want to go, why would they, they’re teens who don’t know any of the wedding party.

I bet your husband feels guilty, or is made to feel guilty by ex, because he’s divorced the mother of his teen and preteen children, remarried and had another child and is trying to make sure they’re all “equal” in everything. Even though it makes no sense in this particular instance.

It is so common for this to play out like this, out of guilt, trying to compensate for not being there full time for his previous children, for “abandoning” them. It’s not the ideal situation to navigate blended families, but it is a reality and they can’t pretend that they are like they used to be, a family under one roof doing everything together all the time. You h is acting out of guilt, whether warranted or not.

Freefall212 · 05/06/2023 13:41

baileys6904 · 05/06/2023 13:35

I'm in a blended family. If my dc were excluded from an invite olfrom my dps friendship side, I'd be pissed off too.

It's not about whether the kids want to come or the the B&G Have ever met them, it's about treating what effectively is actively trying to be 1 family as 2 different entities.

Oh and I'm female and not controlling in any way shape or form so 🤷‍♀️

Based on the other almost identical thread, the responses would be 100% different if it was the Ops daughter who wasn't invited and who wasn't seen as part of the family. Just her DH and her and his kids were invited to his best friend's wedding - uproar!

It shows you how fickle people are. Their opinions are shaped by their biases more than anything. Two similar threads with completely opposite response patterns.

Maddy70 · 05/06/2023 13:41

It is mean on the dsc, however weddings are very expensive. And she doesn't know them so on that basis why should she?

MichelleScarn · 05/06/2023 13:42

EarringsandLipstick · 05/06/2023 13:02

But the wedding does happen to fall on a night they'd be with us typically.

Then, yes, mean. And I would have said, at the time of invite, that the DSC would be there.

That said, I agree the DSC might not actually want to go.

Wonder what all the 'how mean' posters would think if the SKs were invited, but didn't want to go, would they also then be told (like most kids would) 'tough this is a family event for the whole family, you're going'?

Azealeasinbloom · 05/06/2023 13:42

It’s not mean, and as PPs have said before, the bride has more than enough going on, she doesn’t need to be worrying about 2 teenagers she has never met.
I echo the idea of you and your DD going , leave DH to have some quality time with the DSC. And I would be reminding him that said friend is having a tough time and none of this is about him.

UrsulaBelle · 05/06/2023 13:44

So if an old friend of your DH's invited you both to their wedding, but only the DSC, would you be OK with that? And not because your DC was younger, but because they 'didn't know her?' I can see it from your DH's point of view, I'm surprised you can't.