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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not think this is a big deal? DH disagrees

261 replies

awedding1one · 05/06/2023 12:32

A close friend of mine is getting married in a couple of months.

It's happened quite fast so she's pretty stressed and trying to pull everything together in time (the grooms mother is terminally ill and so they are wanting to do it sooner rather than later).

She is inviting children to the wedding and my daughter is close friends with her two along with some of the other children going of other mutual friends.

The issue is that my step children are not invited and my husband has taken issue with that and thinks it's unfair (they would be staying with DHs mum that evening although technically one is old enough to stay home alone too if they'd prefer). They are 15 and 12.

Husband thinks it's "mean" for me him and our DD to go out for the evening and leave DSC with grandparents (even though I imagine that's where they'd prefer to be).

I on the other hand can't see the issue at all and don't think it's mean whatsoever. It's the wedding of my friend who I honestly can't say has ever met DSC and who's child is good friends with our own DD hence her coming.

AIBU to think DH is being a bit OTT about this? He wants me to ask my friend to invite DSC as they are part of our family however I don't want to as I know she's already stressing about numbers and don't think it's fair to pressurise her into inviting who to her are two random teenagers who probably couldn't care less about being there.

OP posts:
fireflyloo · 05/06/2023 12:49

Are you going to the full day or just the evening? If it's the evening only then there's less likely to be much costs associated with 2 teenagers attending. It would be nice to give the dsc the option, it's possible they'd not want to go if they don't know the person, though my dc of a similar age loves weddings and would probably happily come with me to a wedding even if they hadn't met the couple.

Elevel · 05/06/2023 12:49

It depends on the dynamic. If she has never met them I can kind of see why she didn't invite them. Not a dig at all, but it sounds like you're not hugely close to them either (although I may be wrong).

I have a friend who treats her stepdaughter (50/50 time split between friend and DH and mum), exactly the same as her and DH's children. She'll often go out with SD alone, and include her in all family holidays, parties, events, etc. if it isn't mum's time to have her. Just refers to her as "my youngest" (gets along with mum who doesn't mind at all). In a case like this it would be an issue as friend would be very upset at her child being excluded as she doesn't see her as any different to her biological kids.

It really depends on the wider context, but if you don't mind then I suppose, overall, it's not an issue, especially if the kids aren't bothered.

User1786 · 05/06/2023 12:49

awedding1one · 05/06/2023 12:45

They don't live with us full time no. But the wedding does happen to fall on a night they'd be with us typically.

Show quote history

On that basis I don’t think it’s mean then. My parents divorced when I was 7 and this situation occurred a few times and it never bothered me.

Applecoresweet · 05/06/2023 12:50

I think it would be very rude to ask for more invites. I think going without your SC that your friend has no connection with is fine. If you decide it is not you can only politely decline the invitation. You cannot take your friend's invite and tell her she was rude to not invite your DH's children and she should do so now.

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 05/06/2023 12:50

Not mean. If he's not happy that his children have been invited to a strangers (to them) wedding, he can stay home.

towriteyoumustlive · 05/06/2023 12:53

How long have you and your husband been married? It just seems a little strange that your best friend has never met your two step kids!

If your DD is being invited because she is a guest of their DD, then fair enough, but if you are invited as a family then the invitation should include step children.

You perhaps should point out to your DH that your daughter is only invited due to her being good friends with their daughter, otherwise she wouldn't be invited either. (If this is the case...)

Feetupteashot · 05/06/2023 12:53

You cannot ask for an invite to a wedding so that is a non starter

CornishGem1975 · 05/06/2023 12:54

Not mean at all. I have SC and DC of my own. Generally it never occurs that ALL the children get invited, and I'd never expect my DC to be invited to the wedding of one of my DH's family or friends for instance.

Iouisa · 05/06/2023 12:55

I'd never leave the DSC out in this scenario. All or none for me.

Daffodilmorning · 05/06/2023 12:55

If it wasn’t during their time to be with their dad, it would be a non issue. But leaving them with their gran whilst their dad attends an event with you and their sibling is very mean. It suggests that the three of you are a ‘family unit’ that they are not a part of.

In your husband’s shoes, I’d stay home with my uninvited children.

Freefall212 · 05/06/2023 12:55

There
was just another thread about a step son

wildfirewonder · 05/06/2023 12:56

awedding1one · 05/06/2023 12:48

I highly doubt DSC would care at all. It's DH who is worried how it will look, in his words like the proper family is going out together and they have to carted off to be babysat.

I don't think it needs to be so dramatic. They are capable of understanding that myself and their father are going to my friends wedding who they don't know and DD is also coming along as it's her friend's mum. They aren't babies, they are capable of understanding that imo.

Your DH is right about how it looks IMO. The likelihood is that the DSCs are being treated differently to the way they would if they were your older biological children who was not friends with the bride's daughter.

polkadotdalmation · 05/06/2023 12:56

It's not mean. Spaces will be limited in a rush wedding so it makes sense to only invite people she knows.

PineappleLatte · 05/06/2023 12:57

SapphOhNo · 05/06/2023 12:37

Does close friend know your DSC? if not it's not a big deal

Does this speak to a wider issue about DSC being excluded from things or is this more of a one off?

Well she mentioned in her OP that they haven’t met….

It's the wedding of my friend who I honestly can't say has ever met DSC

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2023 12:57

These threads are always about step children and their parents thinking they must be invited to the weddings of people they barely know 🙄

I don't think it's mean at all - the DSC have no reason to be upset about not being invited when it's your friend that they don't know. They should be used to the idea that you and your DC have a life and social circle they aren't familiar with, just as they no doubt do on their mum's side. I would not ask my friend to invite them, in a million years.

If your DH just doesn't want to leave them for the night he could sit out as well. But I don't think there's anything wrong with the situation.

Clymene · 05/06/2023 12:57

Do teenagers want to go to weddings? They're pretty boring on the whole.

Freefall212 · 05/06/2023 12:59

There was recently another thread about a teen stepson not being invited to an extended family member’s wedding (who he had also never met) and about 95% of the responses where that this was cruel and wrong and that no one should go to the wedding if the step son wasn’t invited. The expectation was the her husband miss his family members wedding if the step son wasn’t invited. That excluding a step child is evil and says a lot about how horrible people are.

I am sure someone can find the thread. It was popular.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/06/2023 12:59

Is your husband this controlling of any of your other friends and their decisions?

Controlling 🤦🏻‍♀️

Or expressing a valid viewpoint from his perspective?

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/06/2023 13:00

He doesn’t have to go if he’s going to get a strop on.

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2023 13:01

How long have you and your husband been married? It just seems a little strange that your best friend has never met your two step kids!

Not odd at all - it's very normal for SC to not have anything much to do with their SP's friends and family, especially if they don't come over often. Contact time is usually focused on them, not meeting up with friends and family.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/06/2023 13:01

EarringsandLipstick · 05/06/2023 12:59

Is your husband this controlling of any of your other friends and their decisions?

Controlling 🤦🏻‍♀️

Or expressing a valid viewpoint from his perspective?

It’s going beyond expressing an opinion when he tells OP to wrangle an invitation for them. Which is what he’s doing.

SamW98 · 05/06/2023 13:02

I can’t see anything even in the slightest wrong with this.
It’s your friends wedding - she chooses who to invite so by on earth would she invite a couple of teenagers she’s never met and who have no connection to her whatsoever?

And I can’t imagine they would be too keen to attend a random persons wedding anyway.

100 with you on this OP. DH being dramatic

EarringsandLipstick · 05/06/2023 13:02

But the wedding does happen to fall on a night they'd be with us typically.

Then, yes, mean. And I would have said, at the time of invite, that the DSC would be there.

That said, I agree the DSC might not actually want to go.

ShoesoftheWorld · 05/06/2023 13:04

I think a lot of step-mums on here come across as pretty awful tbh (not referring to you, OP!), but I don't see a problem with this. If your friend had a relationship with the dsc, or if it was your husband's friend and not yours, that would be different.

DarkForces · 05/06/2023 13:05

Iouisa · 05/06/2023 12:55

I'd never leave the DSC out in this scenario. All or none for me.

So you'd be happy for your kids to miss out on time with friends because the dad of 2 teens who have never met the couple wants them to go?
Right...it'd be none of you then