Page 11 | To not think this is a big deal? DH disagrees

awedding1one · 2023-06-05T11:32:58+00:00

A close friend of mine is getting married in a couple of months. It's happened quite fast so she's pretty stressed and trying to pull everything together in time (the grooms mother is terminally ill and so they are wanting to do it sooner rather than later). She is inviting children to the wedding and my daughter is close friends with her two along with some of the other children going of other mutual friends. The issue is that my step children are not invited and my husband has taken issue with that and thinks it's unfair (they would be staying with DHs mum that evening although technically one is old enough to stay home alone too if they'd prefer). They are 15 and 12. Husband thinks it's "mean" for me him and our DD to go out for the evening and leave DSC with grandparents (even though I imagine that's where they'd prefer to be). I on the other hand can't see the issue at all and don't think it's mean whatsoever. It's the wedding of my friend who I honestly can't say has ever met DSC and who's child is good friends with our own DD hence her coming. AIBU to think DH is being a bit OTT about this? He wants me to ask my friend to invite DSC as they are part of our family however I don't want to as I know she's already stressing about numbers and don't think it's fair to pressurise her into inviting who to her are two random teenagers who probably couldn't care less about being there.

Yousee · 13/06/2023 16:27

Grrrrdarling · 13/06/2023 16:16

Not at all @Yousee

My life mottos…

If you don’t ask you don’t get…
If you don’t ask you’ll never learn…
If you don’t ask you’ll never know.

&… Having everything in life won’t make you happy but you can be happy with what you have.

In short I think OP’s DH is very wrong to blame her for the DSC not being invited & he is also out of order being annoyed at her friend.

From my experience NO-ONE I know would have an issue with me asking IF it was possible, no demanding, to bring 1/2 more to more to an event or after party, with the party being an understandably easier situation to accommodate extra numbers, so I would just ask & whatever the bride said would be an acceptable answer.

There is no pressure for the friend to say yes to extra guests just a simple adult conversation to see IF it is possible before I arranged other childcare for the DSC or rearranged contact for any other weekend.

It is strange to me that people can’t have these sort of simple conversations with people they consider close friends without everyone getting offended because I would feel bad if I found out someone close to me felt they couldn’t ask me something!

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I guess one of my life mottos must be "read the room before opening mouth" and another is "don't place friends under additional pressure who are already having a really tough time".
Asking the question is placing them under pressure. It's communicating that the original offer was not enough for you. The wedding isn't about OP and her DSC experiencing a wedding as a family unit and it's crass to even highlight that there is an issue.

Grrrrdarling · 13/06/2023 16:39

@StopFeckingFaffing That is why I WOULD NOT EXPECT friend to say yes but I see no harm in asking the simple question to get a straight answer so I can give butt hurt DH an answer & we can make alternative arrangements for the DSC.

My point is that, FROM MY EXPERIENCE, no-one I know would have an issue if I asked & I would not have an issue if they asked me but asking does not mean that someone has to accommodate you.

The DH is out of order for expecting an invite, being upset DSC haven’t been invited & having a go at OP or the bride for not inviting DSC.
He can choose to stay home with DSC & not come to the wedding or after party if the brides answer is not good enough for him.

QueenofKattegat · 13/06/2023 16:52

johnnydeppsslipper · 05/06/2023 16:06

@awedding1one

Tell your dh it's not about how it looks regarding him and his dc it's actually about someone else's big day that's being organised quickly due to someone close being terminally I'll

Tell him to give his head a wobble.

Unfair is planning a quick wedding so said dying family member gets to see before they pass away. That's unfair

Exactly this! I'd be mortified if my husband was trying to put himself front and centre in a situation like this.

The ridiculousness around step kids on MN is something to behold.

Grrrrdarling · 13/06/2023 16:52

Yousee · 13/06/2023 16:27

I guess one of my life mottos must be "read the room before opening mouth" and another is "don't place friends under additional pressure who are already having a really tough time".
Asking the question is placing them under pressure. It's communicating that the original offer was not enough for you. The wedding isn't about OP and her DSC experiencing a wedding as a family unit and it's crass to even highlight that there is an issue.

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@Yousee Not within my friends & family circle.
My opinion of the situation & how it would pan out from my experience is clearly just different & some can’t get their head round that.
I find it strange that people can’t ask close friends simple questions, I would feel bad if someone I knew didn’t feel they could ask me this sort of question, but I do understand what you are saying.

At the end of the day ‘No’ is a whole sentence & doesn’t need any explanation unless the person hearing ‘No’ doesn’t like what they have heard.

For me ‘No’ would be enough, I’d thank my friend for answering the question & i’d ask if there was anything she needed to help her de-stress or to help with the wedding prep.

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 17:02

@Grrrrdarling I can ask my friends questions, I just wouldn't ask one I knew was cheeky. So, for example, I wouldn't ask them for £10k when I knew they weren't that well off. And I wouldn't ask them for two extra places at their wedding, even if I was going to stress that it would be ok to say no. It would still be cheeky to ask.

Grrrrdarling · 13/06/2023 17:04

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 17:02

@Grrrrdarling I can ask my friends questions, I just wouldn't ask one I knew was cheeky. So, for example, I wouldn't ask them for £10k when I knew they weren't that well off. And I wouldn't ask them for two extra places at their wedding, even if I was going to stress that it would be ok to say no. It would still be cheeky to ask.

Guess we’ll agree to disagree then.
I would not have an issue if you asked me❤

Yousee · 13/06/2023 17:13

Grrrrdarling · 13/06/2023 16:52

@Yousee Not within my friends & family circle.
My opinion of the situation & how it would pan out from my experience is clearly just different & some can’t get their head round that.
I find it strange that people can’t ask close friends simple questions, I would feel bad if someone I knew didn’t feel they could ask me this sort of question, but I do understand what you are saying.

At the end of the day ‘No’ is a whole sentence & doesn’t need any explanation unless the person hearing ‘No’ doesn’t like what they have heard.

For me ‘No’ would be enough, I’d thank my friend for answering the question & i’d ask if there was anything she needed to help her de-stress or to help with the wedding prep.

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I'm glad you understand what I'm saying. It might not be a big deal to you if you were asked but to a woman planning a small wedding in a hurry on account of a dying mother in law, it's very likely an added hassle she just doesn't need.
"Oh, friend isn't happy, this is terrible/I feel bad for not thinking of them/fuck me I don't know them, annoyed you even asked/have I put her in an awkward spot with her DH/I suppose I could but it would mean annoying XYZ as their kids were not invited/maybe great aunt Gladys wont be well enough to come and then there will be space? OMG can't believe I just allowed myself to think that/can I afford another £100 to feed these kids?/will she still be my friend if I say no? She says no pressure but obviously there is an issue or she would not have mentioned it"

Just some potential thoughts of the bride of the top of my head. I'd not be putting any friend of mine through it.

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 13/06/2023 17:16

My kids are similar ages to your step kids.

they would not want to go to a wedding of someone they didn't know
I can't imagine them caring a jot if their dad and stepmum and stepmum's kids (no shared kids between dad and stepmum) were going to a wedding of someone they didn't know without them, even if they were due to be there that night.

Grrrrdarling · 13/06/2023 17:22

Yousee · 13/06/2023 17:13

I'm glad you understand what I'm saying. It might not be a big deal to you if you were asked but to a woman planning a small wedding in a hurry on account of a dying mother in law, it's very likely an added hassle she just doesn't need.
"Oh, friend isn't happy, this is terrible/I feel bad for not thinking of them/fuck me I don't know them, annoyed you even asked/have I put her in an awkward spot with her DH/I suppose I could but it would mean annoying XYZ as their kids were not invited/maybe great aunt Gladys wont be well enough to come and then there will be space? OMG can't believe I just allowed myself to think that/can I afford another £100 to feed these kids?/will she still be my friend if I say no? She says no pressure but obviously there is an issue or she would not have mentioned it"

Just some potential thoughts of the bride of the top of my head. I'd not be putting any friend of mine through it.

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@Yousee I have, in the past, & I would cover any extra costs as they aren’t expected guests. That would be my expense, or should I say my DH’s, NOT the bride or grooms.

We’ll agree to disagree but again even with ALL that going on it would not bother me if I was asked if it was possible to accommodate a tricky situation one of my friends found themselves in.
The question being asked would add no pressure at all & my answer would come from a place of knowing if that accommodation was possible.
No second guessing, no wondering just a straight answer so the guest knows the answer to their question.

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 17:27

@Grrrrdarling But the accommodation might well be possible, just an inconvenience in a variety of ways. So it's not a situation of saying no with zero guilt because it isn't possible, there would be guilt because it could be possible, she just doesn't want to do it.

Grrrrdarling · 13/06/2023 17:35

aSofaNearYou · 13/06/2023 17:27

@Grrrrdarling But the accommodation might well be possible, just an inconvenience in a variety of ways. So it's not a situation of saying no with zero guilt because it isn't possible, there would be guilt because it could be possible, she just doesn't want to do it.

I understand what you are saying but that is not my experience & not how myself & my friends are with each other.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree or this will literally go on forever.

Off to have a Gin in the courtyard after hard day blitzing house & I hope you have an equally relaxing evening ahead ❤