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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not think this is a big deal? DH disagrees

261 replies

awedding1one · 05/06/2023 12:32

A close friend of mine is getting married in a couple of months.

It's happened quite fast so she's pretty stressed and trying to pull everything together in time (the grooms mother is terminally ill and so they are wanting to do it sooner rather than later).

She is inviting children to the wedding and my daughter is close friends with her two along with some of the other children going of other mutual friends.

The issue is that my step children are not invited and my husband has taken issue with that and thinks it's unfair (they would be staying with DHs mum that evening although technically one is old enough to stay home alone too if they'd prefer). They are 15 and 12.

Husband thinks it's "mean" for me him and our DD to go out for the evening and leave DSC with grandparents (even though I imagine that's where they'd prefer to be).

I on the other hand can't see the issue at all and don't think it's mean whatsoever. It's the wedding of my friend who I honestly can't say has ever met DSC and who's child is good friends with our own DD hence her coming.

AIBU to think DH is being a bit OTT about this? He wants me to ask my friend to invite DSC as they are part of our family however I don't want to as I know she's already stressing about numbers and don't think it's fair to pressurise her into inviting who to her are two random teenagers who probably couldn't care less about being there.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 05/06/2023 13:45

beAsensible1 · 05/06/2023 13:41

🤨your nuclear family and the entirety of your blood relatives are 2 different things but i'm sure you know this.

If you create a blended family, that includes your partners children. It's even during his contact time. if its her friend and her daughters friend then the two should go and he should stay home.

Show quote history

My point is that going to an event a family member isn’t invited to, isn’t in fact a declaration that they’re not considered family.

Yes, a blended family, which is by definition different from a nuclear one. Some may prefer to operate theirs as they would a nuclear one, but it isn’t required. The friend knows OP and her child, and her DH through that. Why would she invite stepchildren she’s got no relationship with?

GoodChat · 05/06/2023 13:45

I do get both points of view here. It does seem a bit thoughtless to not invite his children as they are a part of your family, but if your friend doesn't know them I also understand why she hasn't felt the need to invite them.

If he's worried about how his children will feel why doesn't he give them the option of either a sleepover at grandma's or he'll stay home with them?

If your friend realised they would be with you that day she'd probably say they're welcome.

baileys6904 · 05/06/2023 13:47

MichelleScarn · 05/06/2023 13:42

Wonder what all the 'how mean' posters would think if the SKs were invited, but didn't want to go, would they also then be told (like most kids would) 'tough this is a family event for the whole family, you're going'?

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But that then would involve a choice and not an exclusion.

Simplyfedup · 05/06/2023 13:47

Of course is isn't mean. 😂

ThinkOfLove · 05/06/2023 13:48

Based on the other almost identical thread, the responses would be 100% different if it was the Ops daughter who wasn't invited and who wasn't seen as part of the family. Just her DH and her and his kids were invited to his best friend's wedding - uproar!

It shows you how fickle people are. Their opinions are shaped by their biases more than anything. Two similar threads with completely opposite response patterns.

I don’t think I saw the other thread. But in the scenario you describe, if the husbands friend had never met his friends wife’s daughter, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her not being invited. The wife could choose not to go which would be fine.

You can’t make others see your blended family as a family when they’re strangers to you.

Freefall212 · 05/06/2023 13:50

ThinkOfLove · 05/06/2023 13:48

Based on the other almost identical thread, the responses would be 100% different if it was the Ops daughter who wasn't invited and who wasn't seen as part of the family. Just her DH and her and his kids were invited to his best friend's wedding - uproar!

It shows you how fickle people are. Their opinions are shaped by their biases more than anything. Two similar threads with completely opposite response patterns.

I don’t think I saw the other thread. But in the scenario you describe, if the husbands friend had never met his friends wife’s daughter, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her not being invited. The wife could choose not to go which would be fine.

You can’t make others see your blended family as a family when they’re strangers to you.

It was the same, the bride and groom had never met the step child as they lived far away. But in that thread, it was said that the husband should not even attend the wedding due to the massive insult and disrespect of not inviting the step child. And that a step child is part of the family and should not be seen any differently than any other child in the family.

baileys6904 · 05/06/2023 13:51

whumpthereitis · 05/06/2023 13:45

My point is that going to an event a family member isn’t invited to, isn’t in fact a declaration that they’re not considered family.

Yes, a blended family, which is by definition different from a nuclear one. Some may prefer to operate theirs as they would a nuclear one, but it isn’t required. The friend knows OP and her child, and her DH through that. Why would she invite stepchildren she’s got no relationship with?

Show quote history

Because everyone starts by having no relationship, then they meet and go on to having some relationship.

I've been best mates with my pal 40 years however 41 years ago I'd have had no relationship with her.

It's like if you have a traditional family with son and daughter, and has only really seen the daughter before, they wouldn't then not invite the son. Same as when you invite your friend plus one, you're acknowledging they have a relationship and so are including that relationship

Polari · 05/06/2023 13:52

I'm one of 6.
Never got invited to my cousins weddings, it was always the 2 oldest siblings.
And dsis was a bridesmaid at my uncle's wedding, I didn't even get an invite.
It's life, not mean at all.

baileys6904 · 05/06/2023 13:53

ThinkOfLove · 05/06/2023 13:48

Based on the other almost identical thread, the responses would be 100% different if it was the Ops daughter who wasn't invited and who wasn't seen as part of the family. Just her DH and her and his kids were invited to his best friend's wedding - uproar!

It shows you how fickle people are. Their opinions are shaped by their biases more than anything. Two similar threads with completely opposite response patterns.

I don’t think I saw the other thread. But in the scenario you describe, if the husbands friend had never met his friends wife’s daughter, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her not being invited. The wife could choose not to go which would be fine.

You can’t make others see your blended family as a family when they’re strangers to you.

Actually, my family and friends would never exclude my SC out of respect for me and thr relationship I have with their father. And vice versa.

billy1966 · 05/06/2023 13:54

Go with your daughter on your own and put an end to the discussion.

Do not approach your friend with this.

Your husband should stay and mind his children.

A lovely opportunity for him to have 1 on 1 time with them both.

Morred · 05/06/2023 13:55

You can agree with your DH here that the most important thing is that the step-kids don't feel excluded or pushed out.

At their ages, I think you can have a chat with them about. Say that you and DD have been invited because your friends with the bride/bride's daughter, and the bride invited DH as part of the family. It was a bit thoughtless of her not to think of you two, but she has a lot on her plate (explain situation). We really don't like the idea of us going off to a wedding without you, but it would probably be pretty boring. What do you want to do? I think it's rude to ask for more invitations, but it's more important to us that you know we love you and you're part of the family. So I can see if you could come for the evening's fun part, or you can have a sleepover with grandparents and we'll do [something nice and more teen-appropriate]another time with you instead.

GoodnightJude1 · 05/06/2023 13:55

I don’t think it’s mean.
If OPs friend doesn’t even know her SDC why would she invite them? And more to the point, why would they want to go??
I have 2 DC around the same age and they’d do anything to get out of it!
It’s a wedding…numbers are limited!

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2023 13:55

Yes, a blended family, which is by definition different from a nuclear one. Some may prefer to operate theirs as they would a nuclear one, but it isn’t required.

Agreed. A blended family with involved parents on both sides is not a nuclear family, and not everyone is preoccupied with insisting otherwise.

ThinkOfLove · 05/06/2023 13:55

It was the same, the bride and groom had never met the step child as they lived far away. But in that thread, it was said that the husband should not even attend the wedding due to the massive insult and disrespect of not inviting the step child. And that a step child is part of the family and should not be seen any differently than any other child in the family.

Well I don’t agree with that. My thoughts are the same no matter whether the uninvited children are the woman or the mans. Maybe different posters were commenting. 🤷🏻‍♀️

whumpthereitis · 05/06/2023 13:55

baileys6904 · 05/06/2023 13:51

Because everyone starts by having no relationship, then they meet and go on to having some relationship.

I've been best mates with my pal 40 years however 41 years ago I'd have had no relationship with her.

It's like if you have a traditional family with son and daughter, and has only really seen the daughter before, they wouldn't then not invite the son. Same as when you invite your friend plus one, you're acknowledging they have a relationship and so are including that relationship

Show quote history

Sure, if they want to. Another thing that isn’t mandatory. Most people don’t invite strangers to their wedding though, regardless of a relationship that may or may not develop in time.

Of course, in a traditional family. This isn’t a ‘traditional’ nuclear family though, no matter how you try and force it into the same mould. The stepchildren are the children of her friends plus one/DH, they’re not the children of her friend.

baileys6904 · 05/06/2023 13:56

Freefall212 · 05/06/2023 13:50

It was the same, the bride and groom had never met the step child as they lived far away. But in that thread, it was said that the husband should not even attend the wedding due to the massive insult and disrespect of not inviting the step child. And that a step child is part of the family and should not be seen any differently than any other child in the family.

Show quote history

And this is what I find so frustrating about mumsnet, the fact that some posters ( i repeat, some!) are so blinkered by gender

billy1966 · 05/06/2023 13:57

That other thread was a family wedding, and only one child which was the best mans only child.

A vastly different situation.

But when numbers are so tight, it is perfectly reasonable for OP and her child to go alone.

Morred · 05/06/2023 13:57

Morred · 05/06/2023 13:55

You can agree with your DH here that the most important thing is that the step-kids don't feel excluded or pushed out.

At their ages, I think you can have a chat with them about. Say that you and DD have been invited because your friends with the bride/bride's daughter, and the bride invited DH as part of the family. It was a bit thoughtless of her not to think of you two, but she has a lot on her plate (explain situation). We really don't like the idea of us going off to a wedding without you, but it would probably be pretty boring. What do you want to do? I think it's rude to ask for more invitations, but it's more important to us that you know we love you and you're part of the family. So I can see if you could come for the evening's fun part, or you can have a sleepover with grandparents and we'll do [something nice and more teen-appropriate]another time with you instead.

Meant to add the option of their Dad staying with them and just you and DD going as you're the two who are friends with the wedding party to the range of options you share with DSC.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 05/06/2023 13:59

billy1966 · 05/06/2023 13:54

Go with your daughter on your own and put an end to the discussion.

Do not approach your friend with this.

Your husband should stay and mind his children.

A lovely opportunity for him to have 1 on 1 time with them both.

100% this. Shut the conversation down. He either goes with you or doesn't up to him. Enjoy the day with your daughter.

Zarataralara · 05/06/2023 14:01

Ragruggers · 05/06/2023 12:37

Why would 2 teenagers want to go to a wedding of someone theyhave never met?

This.
Ime teenagers aren’t bothered about attending weddings of people they do know!

Polari · 05/06/2023 14:02

Morred · 05/06/2023 13:57

Meant to add the option of their Dad staying with them and just you and DD going as you're the two who are friends with the wedding party to the range of options you share with DSC.

Show quote history

Or op could just say do you want dh to stay home with you or do you want to go to gp's?

The dsc are not invited.
Asking to take them is rude.

billy1966 · 05/06/2023 14:03

baileys6904 · 05/06/2023 13:56

And this is what I find so frustrating about mumsnet, the fact that some posters ( i repeat, some!) are so blinkered by gender

Show quote history

It was not the same.
It was a family wedding which is not the same as a friend getting married🙄.

The husband/best man to his brother only had a step child.
No shared children.
His sister had two children that were invited.
The 12 year old step child was the only child being excluded in a family wedding.

Vastly different scenario🙄.

knittingaddict · 05/06/2023 14:03

Freefall212 · 05/06/2023 13:41

Based on the other almost identical thread, the responses would be 100% different if it was the Ops daughter who wasn't invited and who wasn't seen as part of the family. Just her DH and her and his kids were invited to his best friend's wedding - uproar!

It shows you how fickle people are. Their opinions are shaped by their biases more than anything. Two similar threads with completely opposite response patterns.

Show quote history

Ever thought that the people posting on the other thread are different to the ones on here and therefore have different views? Hate it when people assume a hive mind on mn. It's a meaningless comparison.

HaPPy8 · 05/06/2023 14:03

I agree with your husband and if I was him I wouldn’t go. Your friend is very thoughtless.

knittingaddict · 05/06/2023 14:04

billy1966 · 05/06/2023 14:03

It was not the same.
It was a family wedding which is not the same as a friend getting married🙄.

The husband/best man to his brother only had a step child.
No shared children.
His sister had two children that were invited.
The 12 year old step child was the only child being excluded in a family wedding.

Vastly different scenario🙄.

Show quote history

There you go then baileys6904. Not a fair comarison at all.

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